“You’re quiet as hell, man,” he said.
“Point?”
“What happened was a little crazy.”
“That’s life, Kyle. And, hey, I don’t want to sound like a dick here, but you’re on your own with this from here on out.”
“Seriously?”
“I can’t risk anything else happening. It’s not fair to… your sister.”
“You’re going to run and hide?”
“No. I’m going to live my life. You were down over your accident and your family needed my help. I was glad to help. You’re getting better. You can do this on your own. Or at least let your old man help you. He wants to.”
Kyle nodded. “Well, thanks for everything, Brice. Honestly.”
“Yeah, don’t sweat it. It’s got to be tough to have everything just suddenly change like that.”
He sat there for a few seconds, staring out the window. “You know, I never got a chance to say anything.”
“Say anything about what?”
Kyle looked at me. “She was my niece. I was going to be an uncle. Now that means nothing compared to what you were going to be to her. But it mattered to me. It hurt me. A lot. And I don’t think my father or Kinsley thought I was capable of feeling anything. But I did. And everything that happened after was just wrong. You. Her. Lindsay. Then time kept slipping by. And she shows up with Ben. And she’s smiling.”
“I don’t want to hear this, Kyle. Get out of my truck.”
“Listen to me, Brice. She was smiling… but I don’t know if it was ever real.”
“She’s engaged to him,” I said. “I’m a memory. I have to live with that now.”
“Well, my opinion isn’t worth a damn, but I hate everything that’s happened. And the only thing my dad and I can do is hope that she’s really happy. And you don’t want to hear it, but the other night when she came over and you were here, that wasn’t uncomfortable for anyone. That was the first time in a while that she looked comfortable.”
Kyle opened the door and started to slither his way out.
I gripped the steering wheel tight. “Kyle.”
“Yeah?”
“I just want her to be happy. The closer I get, the more it hurts. Not just her.”
“Yeah, well my fucking leg hurts, and I still have to use it. Just ask yourself if the pain is worth it.”
I smiled. “So, I’m going to take advice from you? Some punk kid that lives in his father’s basement?”
“You were my hero, Brice. The coolest guy I ever met. You still are. Thanks for all your help. I’ll tell my dad you had to go to work or something. I’m sure he wanted to have another beer with you.”
Kyle shut the door.
My eyes scanned the house.
I shook my head.
The place used to be a fortress to me. That guarded Kinsley’s innocence and I was the wild boy there to break down the walls and sneak inside and make her feel things she never thought possible. But it was Kinsley who was the one that made me feel things I never thought possible. I wasn’t just looking to fool around with someone. She showed me love. She showed me everything that took me from boy to man.
I’d forever love her for that.
Ah, hell, I’d forever love her no matter what…
I had become lost into the local scene.
I sat at the bar with a half-full glass of beer, Lucky and I talking about the past winter, with a handful of people chiming in to compare stats on who really got the most snow. Even though we all lived in the same area, everyone wanted to outdo each other.
I finally pointed at a guy named Rocko and said, “You all got your streets plowed, right? Think about where I live. I had to do it all myself. My shovel. My truck. That’s it.”
“Eh, you could have asked for help,” Rocko said.
“Too stubborn,” Lucky said.
“You all are too old to help me,” I said.
I was smothered with a booing sound and had napkins, peanuts, and celery thrown at me.
I had to laugh as I waved my hands to deflect the debris.
“He’s got a big mouth,” Lucky said. “Gets him into a lot of trouble, huh?”
“Oh, come on, he’s always there to help,” Suzie said as she put an arm around me. “Right, baby?”
I raised an eyebrow at her. “Don’t call me that.”
“Age is only a number.”
“And some numbers are bigger than others,” Rocko muttered.
Everyone chuckled.
Lucky balled up a towel and threw it at Rocko. “Don’t talk that way about a woman. Age means nothing.”
“I agree,” I said. “Fuck age.”
“Fuck age,” Suzie said, too close to my ear.
“Let’s drink to that,” Lucky said. “Everyone raise your glass.”
That got Suzie to get away from me.
She was a sweetheart of a woman. The kind that would give you her shoes off her feet in the middle of a rainstorm if you needed them more. But she looked at me like a piece of younger meat, but was always willing to settle on Lucky. Which was funny to watch because the two of them obviously enjoyed each other’s company. But I kept that shit to myself.
“I’m not old,” Lucky said. “Time just went by too fast.”
“Hear, hear,” Rocko said.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I leaned back to dig it out.
It was April calling me.
Which was a little strange.
It was after nine.
“I have to take this,” I said. “Might be something wrong with Milo.”
Lucky gave a nod and I walked away.
Suzie filled my spot and I knew I’d never get it back from her.
“Hey, April,” I said. “Sorry about the noise. I’m at the-”
“She took him,” April’s voice said.
“What?”
“June came. And took Milo.”
“What do you mean she took Milo?” I asked as I raced through the kitchen. “Was she drunk? High? I’ll call the police.”
“No, Brice, she was allowed to.”
“How?”
“She’s his mother,” April said. “She wanted to take him overnight. What was I supposed to do?”
I swallowed hard. “She didn’t kidnap him, right?”
“No.”
“Okay.”
“Brice… I don’t want to be alone.”
“I’ll be right over, April. We’ll figure this out. Okay?”
“Okay,” she said. “I’m sorry to bother you.”
“You’re not bothering me at all,” I said.
I ended the call and just went out the back door.
I didn’t bother saying goodbye to anyone.
I wasn’t sure if it even mattered.
I’d seen April tear up a few times before, but never really cry. She was in jeans and a hoodie, her hair pulled back, leaning against my chest as she cried. I never saw her so dressed down either. I held her in the kitchen as she wept, her hands clutching tightly to the back of my shirt.
My heart ached for her. In so many ways.
It took a few minutes for her to calm herself. She broke away from me and quickly tried wiping the corners of her eyes. There were black smears from her makeup.
“I look horrible,” she whispered.
“You look real, April. That’s okay.”
She walked to the other side of the kitchen and opened a cabinet and took out a bottle of something. She twisted off the cap, letting it bounce into the sink. She poured herself a healthy glass, then got a second glass for me.
“April…”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” she said. “I know you do the same thing.”
“Right,” I said. I stepped back and leaned against the counter where Milo ate his morning breakfast.
April walked a glass to me. “Cheers.”
“What happened?”
“She had been calling me like crazy about it,” April said. “Wanting to see Milo. I
couldn’t say no. So, she came over a couple of times.”
“You never told me.”
“Brice, I haven’t seen you in a…”
“No, that’s not an excuse,” I said.
“It’s the truth,” she said. “Milo was even asking about you.”
I turned around felt the anger push up from inside me. I argued with myself in my head that April was talking nonsense.
But she wasn’t.
I had never gone this long without seeing Milo. I was breaking the one promise I swore I never would. All for my own greedy heart.
“It’s okay, Brice,” April said.
“No, it’s not,” I said. I downed the glass of what turned out to be brandy. It burned but I craved more. I turned and faced April. “I’m sorry. I met up with June and things went bad. Then other stuff happened… but that doesn’t matter. That’s not an excuse. But this is my fault.”
“How is it your fault?” she asked.
“She asked me to help and I pissed her off.”
“What do you mean?”
“She mentioned about seeing Milo and wanted me to talk to you first. I refused. She got pissed and threw a drink at me. I set her off, April.”
“Brice, stop,” she said. She put a hand to my chest. “She’s sober. For real. I met her boyfriend. I talked to her sponsor. She’s really cleaned up.” April took a shaky breath. “And I… I let her come over a couple of times and we all had dinner. Then she said she wanted to take him overnight. I said no. And that set her off.”
“Fucking June,” I said.
April laughed with tears in her eyes. “Fucking June.”
She downed her drink and wiggled her fingers for me to give her my empty glass.
She filled up both glasses.
I rubbed my jaw, knowing that one more and I would be sleeping on her couch.
What did it really matter though? I really didn’t feel like going home to an empty house again.
“What happened next?” I asked as April handed me my glass, which looked fuller than the last one.
“We argued. Fought. The usual. She can never just talk calmly.”
“That was never a strong suit of hers,” I said.
April sipped her drink and moved across the kitchen to get the bottle off the counter. She walked from the kitchen and I assumed she wanted me to follow her.
“I tried to tell her that she needed to have her shit in order,” she said. “I called her out on everything. Then she surprised me…” April sat down on the edge of the couch. “She did everything right.”
“Right, meaning what?” I asked.
She looked up at me. Her eyes were puffy and tired. She had been crying for a while before calling me.
“She has an apartment,” April said. “A job. A boyfriend. A sponsor.”
“I know all this,” I said. “You already said this.”
“She offered for me to meet her boyfriend. Then talk to her sponsor. First on the phone. Then in person. She wouldn’t let up. She wanted to take Milo overnight. For a sleepover. I promised her I would talk to Milo about it. In my heart I hoped he would say no. But you know what? He knows she’s his mother. They have a bond I could never break. And why would I?”
April paused to finish her drink and pour another one.
I gritted my teeth, wondering how much she’d had to drink so far tonight.
I sipped my drink, figuring I’d have to make sure she was okay for the night if she decided to go down this path.
I crouched in front of her. “April. Get it all off your chest.”
“He wanted to go,” she said. “But I still fought back. I don’t trust her. My own sister. I don’t fucking trust her.”
“For good reason.”
“Yeah, well, she threatened me.”
“Threatened you how?”
“With court,” April said. “I’m going to lose him forever…”
She took another drink, swallowed, and started to cry again.
I peeled the glass from her hand and put it behind me on the table. I then sat on the couch next to her and hugged her as she cried again.
“You won’t lose him,” I said. “I’ll help you.”
“If she goes to court, they’ll side with her. And they should. She’s his mother.”
“And you’re the one who took care of him while she lost her damn mind,” I said.
I turned April so she could look at me. I touched her cheek, not realizing I was doing it until it was too late.
“Brice… that’s not how it works.”
“It should be though.”
“But it’s not. I love that little boy so much. But if June keeps herself straight he should be with her. When she threatened court, I told her she could take him. Then she showed up, on time, with a sleeping bag for him. And a bag of snacks. And a pizza in the car. Before I could question her about her boyfriend, she said he went to stay somewhere else for the night. It was just too…”
“I’m so sorry, April,” I said.
“She was happy. He was happy. He had his book bag on his back and looked back at me and smiled. Then he was off the porch and gone. Brice, that’s not why I’m upset.”
“Then why are you upset?” I whispered.
“She’s going to get him for good.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I know it. I’m not going to fight her on it. That’s not fair to Milo. I have to do everything to fix my relationship with June, so I can be involved.”
“You’ll always be involved,” I said.
“Brice, that’s not why I’m upset.”
“Christ, April, just tell me why you’re upset then.”
April stopped blinking. Her eyes were just open. Staring. Vulnerable with a depth I never knew before.
“I’m going to be alone now,” she whispered. “I’m losing him and will just become his aunt for good. All the firsts I’ll miss. My entire life was thrown upside down because of him and it was so hard in the beginning to accept. And now… I’m going to miss it.”
“Me too,” I said. “I don’t know what I’ll be in his life. Because being near June is a bad thing for me and her.”
“And I gave you a hard time, Brice. I never liked you. I blamed you for June.”
“I should have done more to help her. But I was lost myself. Hell, I still am.”
I stood up from the couch and put some distance between me and April.
She moved right after me though. “What do you mean by that?”
“Nothing,” I said. “I’m here for you, April. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. I know this was the one thing you feared.”
“Do you think he’s okay?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “I refuse to think anything but that.”
“What if he doesn’t want to come home?” April asked. “What if she calls and says he’s going to stay?”
“April, you can only take one day - and night - at a time. You can’t ask those questions. It’s not what you want to hear, but you have to believe in that. If June really has turned this corner, then it’s good for everyone. Milo will have so much damn love in his life, he’ll be the luckiest kid in the world.”
“And you?”
“Me, what?”
“Where will you be in his life?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I haven’t thought that far out.”
“You have to be part of his life,” April said. She grabbed my shirt. “He can’t lose you. I can’t lose you.”
“April…”
“I know you lost someone, Brice. I’m alone too. Look at my life. I lived in the shadow that June left behind. The messes she made. I was the good one and took care of myself. I focused on work, buying a house, and I never got the chance to have someone and have a family. But June could go out and get high, get pregnant, abandon her kid, then he ended up with me. And I thought I was going to take care of him… and…”
“You’ll always be part of his l
ife.”
“Tell me you feel the same way I do,” she said. “Just so lonely. Losing everything you love.”
“I know,” I said. “April, I know.”
Tears filled her eyes. They quickly escaped, trickling down her cheeks.
My mind raced, everything playing back at once. Seeing Kinsley. The pictures I sent. Meeting up with her. Talking to her. Kissing her. Having her. Loving her. Taking her into the back room of that shit bar and having my way. Bringing her to my cabin where we spent hours together.
The pain in my heart swelled to an impossible level because I saw her pregnant. I saw Kinsley walking through the kitchen nine months pregnant, her hand always on her stomach. All the times I caught her talking to her belly. I forever waited for the moment to catch sight of her holding our daughter. And when that came… our daughter wasn’t able to look back…
I gritted my teeth as the room started to spin.
“Brice… I hate this feeling…”
“So do I,” I whispered.
I touched April’s face, but not to wipe away her tears…
Instead, I kissed her.
And I didn’t stop kissing her.
June’s words raced through my head. How many times did she accuse me of fucking her sister? Well, at least now she’d have something to run with, right? Because June messed up everything for her sister. And June messed up a lot of things for me. She was a vicious storm with calm periods that would leave you hanging long enough to think things had changed, only to have her rage again.
April clawed at my shirt with aggression. Ripping it up so I had to back up and let her take it off. She let out a whimpering sound and then pressed her lips to my chest. I shut my eyes, demanding that I lose myself to the moment right now. This was about covering up the pain. Her pain. My pain. That was it. We’d cover it up with a little bit of pleasure. Dip our toes into a dangerous pit of flames, but whatever.
Her tongue eased down a few inches, hinting at intentions.
I grabbed her arms and sucked in a breath.
I pulled her away, but not to stop what was happening.
I kissed her again, harder than before. Her hands pulled at my hair. I broke the kiss and let my tongue flirt with her neck, listening to her groan so loudly. That was the booze making her do that though.
“Right now, Brice,” she whispered. “Please, right now.”
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