Nobody Else

by Jaxson Kidman

  The day I dropped her off at rehab, I hoped that was it.

  But it wasn’t.

  I opened the gate that barricaded the kitchen and out came Honey. Her nails sliding and scratching at the floor as she barked, whined, and jumped, trying to nip at my hands, her mouth open, tongue wagging, so happy to see me.

  I dropped to my knees and tried to hug her, but her puppy blood wasn’t in the mood for that stuff. She wanted to play and bite and show off how much energy she had.

  I gave her the run of the place as I went into the kitchen to check for messes.

  I had to give her credit. Not a single mess.

  That was deserving of a treat, which she was able to sit for but no other tricks. At least not yet.

  With a cold beer in my hand, I sat on the couch and stared at the fireplace. It was officially at the point where it was getting unnecessary to use it. With the windows open, there was a cool breeze flowing through the cabin. I took a deep breath and tried to relax. My heart ached, wanting to know if Kinsley was okay. She left that picture out for Ben to find… why? To have him come to me? To see who would be the one to track her down when she needed it the most? I could only imagine what went through her head. And I wasn’t a good person for constantly pouring gasoline on that fire. Leaving her feeling stuck between two guys. Doing all I could to steal her time and savor her body just one more time, even though I knew the moment I touched her, the addiction would be back in full swing and I’d lose all sight of everything else around me.

  That’s what she did to me.

  That’s why I had to leave.

  Tomorrow morning, it would be me, my dog Honey, and the road. I was thinking of heading north to maybe catch some cooler weather. Hell, there were places way up in Maine that were still getting snow. I could find somewhere up there to hide out and enjoy the last few snowflakes before another season shifted in and time moved forward some more.

  I leaned forward and looked down. Honey was on the floor, right at my feet, her puppy eyes staring up at me. Even at such a young age and with such wild energy she knew when to be calm and she was loyal as hell. The best part though was when she saw Milo. The puppy was smart enough to know she lived with me, but Milo was her guy to go crazy playing with.

  I sipped the beer and an idea hit me.

  As I rushed from the living room to the bedroom, Honey followed me, excited, nibbling at my shirt.

  I dug a large bag out of my closet and threw a bunch of clothes into it. I zipped it up and threw it toward the open door. It rolled to its side and just lay there.

  I dropped to my knees and reached under the bed.

  Honey attacked me with playful puppy kisses.

  “Stop it,” I barked at her.

  She jumped back and stared.

  “NO,” I said.

  I leaned down and pulled out a box of pictures.

  I took a handful and stood up, flipping through them, carefully studying each one, remembering what each moment meant to us.

  The first time I showed up at her house, her father slammed the door in my face. The next day she apologized to me, red faced, so flustered around me. I played the bad boy act to a T and winked at her, touched her jaw, and even snuck in a kiss to her cheek. I told her I’d be back. To be waiting up for me.

  I took her innocence and exposed it. I ripped it up and threw it into the air like confetti on New Year’s Eve. Her father hated me for that, but Kinsley loved everything I ever did with her and to her. Never once did I act out of line or out of place. I cherished everything about her, head to toe, heart to soul.

  There was a picture of her halfway out of the sunroof of my old car. Parked in the middle of a quiet road somewhere north of here. It had been a windy day, so she posed with her arms open, head slightly back, laughing as the wind pulled at her hair. It almost looked as though the car was somehow moving.

  That was the Kinsley I always knew and loved.

  She was afraid sometimes to dip her toes into the pool of freedom, but when she did, oh, she was like fire in a breeze.

  Every picture I had of her was a story of us.

  But pictures were the story that had already happened.

  The story that didn’t get the happy ending we both expected.

  I put the pictures back in the box and crouched to stuff the box back under the bed.

  I’d leave the pictures behind when I left in the morning.

  “Come on, Honey,” I said as I left the bedroom.

  I scooped up the bag and walked it to the door. I opened the door and turned on the porch light so Honey could go to the bathroom in the yard.

  I walked down the steps and opened the door to my truck and threw the bag across the seat.

  That’s when Honey started barking like crazy.

  I backed away from the truck and whistled for her.

  She kept barking.

  Gritting my teeth, I walked out of the light from the porch to track down the damn puppy. Then, I heard the sound of tires crunching on rocks. That was followed by the first flicker of what I assumed to be headlights.

  When I got to Honey, I reached down and held her collar, so she didn’t do something stupid like run out in front of the approaching vehicle and get hit and killed.

  It was more than obvious that the vehicle was coming to my place.

  And if it was Ben… he was going to regret coming here.

  I never wanted to see that guy or hear about that guy ever again in my life.

  The vehicle stopped before getting all the way to my place. I put my hand up to block the super bright headlights.

  As my eyes adjusted, I saw someone getting out of the SUV.

  It was Kinsley.

  She walked toward me, and I resisted every urge to run to her and scoop her up in my arms. I suddenly had the idea of respecting the fact that she was a taken woman. Which only pissed me off because holding back was not my normal thing.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked her.

  “I started to blame you,” she said. “That’s why I had to leave.”

  “Blame me… for what?”

  “Everything, Brice,” she said. She looked down and touched her stomach. “Everything.”

  I released my hold on Honey and the puppy ran toward Kinsley. She was calm and gentle with Honey, her natural aura that animals were always drawn to. After just a few seconds of petting, Honey sat like a loyal dog, right on Kinsley’s feet.

  “You know what I’m talking about,” she said.

  “So then say it. Say whatever the fuck is on your mind and in your heart. What else do we have left here?”

  “I took the same walk a hundred times after we came home without our daughter,” she said.

  “What walk?”

  “The one I took when I was in labor. When you were sleeping on the couch. I felt this pain, this tightness, and I didn’t want to bother you in case it wasn’t the real thing again. So, I walked to the fence. And I waited for the horses, but they never came. And the pain got worse. It took me a little while to get back to the house. To get to you.”

  My hands balled up tight as the memory came back. The look on Kinsley’s face when she woke me up. I knew right then it was time to go to the hospital. We were going to go have our daughter.

  “I kept thinking if I didn’t go for that walk. If I didn’t put the extra stress on my body. On Lindsay.”

  “You think you did something wrong… and you didn’t,” I said. “You know what the doctor said…”

  “I don’t care. My job was to be a mother. And I failed.”

  I stepped toward her. “You never failed at anything, Kins.”

  “I failed you,” she said. “Because I started to blame you. I wanted to blame you. I wanted to hate you, Brice.” Her lips quivered. “It was the only release I had.”

  “Then you should have hated me,” I said.

  “I couldn’t. I loved you too much. And I only meant to leave for a little while. To clear my head. To make sure I
would never blame you. And then I just fucked it all up, Brice…”

  I reached for her hand. Her left hand. There was no ring on her finger. I shook my head as I lifted it up.

  “You never fucked anything up, Kins,” I said. “There wasn’t a second I thought that. Or a second I thought about blaming you. I was so fucking angry and so fucking hurt… and there was no explanation. There was nobody I could punch to feel better. There was nothing I could buy to feel good. There was nowhere I could go to forget. The closest to feeling anything is when I’m near you.”

  Kinsley blinked as tears escaped her eyes. “I know, Brice. You’re the only place that’s ever felt like home.”

  “And you’re not wearing a ring.”

  “No, I’m not. And my bags are packed and on the back seat.”

  “And my bag is packed and on my seat,” I said.

  “Where are you going?” she asked.

  “I have no idea, Kins. You?”

  “I have no idea either, Brice.”

  We inched closer.

  I let her hand go and gently touched her face. My thumbs wiped away her tears.

  “I wish we never lost her,” I whispered. “I think about her every single day and I will for the rest of my life. Nobody will understand the feeling. Only you, Kins. Everything in my life is only you. I don’t care where I go or what I do or what happens. Chasing your ghost around my soul is all I know. Chasing your shadow around this cabin, the bar, this town… my mind showing me things I never want to see…”

  “Brice, I love you. I’ve loved you for so long I don’t know a world where I don’t love you. I don’t want to know a world where I don’t love you.”

  “You’re my world, love. You always have been and always will be.”

  “I’m here, Brice.”

  “I know that. And I want to ask how long, but I might not want that answer. So why don’t you shut off your SUV and come inside. Better yet, I’ll do it for you. Take Honey inside and make yourself at home.”

  I inched down and pressed my lips to hers.

  It was comfort. It was my heart swelling with that flirting chance at feeling this for the rest of my life.

  As I leaned into her SUV, I looked around. It was super clean. It smelled super clean too. As though it had just been driven off the dealer’s lot. Kinsley never kept her vehicles clean. She always had water bottles on the floor, food wrappers tucked between the seats, and random clothes thrown around the back seat.

  These were the leftover moments of someone else.

  I shut the SUV off and palmed the keys tightly.

  As I walked toward the cabin, I shut the door to my truck. Through the front window of the cabin I saw the silhouette of Kinsley walking around inside.

  I smiled.

  Now I just needed to keep her there for the rest of my life.

  There were blankets and pillows all over the floor. She asked me to build a fire and I did. A few empty bottles of beer on the table, and a half empty bottle of whiskey on the stone in front of the fireplace. Our eyes danced together as we got closer. Blame the booze, but it had nothing to do with that at all.

  I touched her face again and pulled her close without hesitation and kissed her like tomorrow wasn’t going to come. One soft kiss as a gentle warning. Then I parted her lips with mine and felt her sigh and melt into me. I growled under my breath as I kissed her harder. My hands already working down her body, finding the bottom of her shirt so I could begin to take her.

  She was finally mine.

  All fucking mine.

  With questions burning in the back of my mind, and answers that would wait until later.

  She jutted her hips forward at me, teasing and tempting me while I tugged her shirt over the top of her head. My eyes watched the way her long hair fell wherever the hell it wanted. Strands on her shoulders, down the front of her chest, down her back. She stood there, not knowing that she was so fucking beautiful.

  Wildly beautiful, as she always had been.

  My hands touched her sides as I kissed her one more time before falling to my knees before her. She slid her fingers into my hair, her nails scratching at me. My hands slipped around to the small of her back and I pulled her close to kiss her belly.

  “Show me, Kins,” I whispered. “Show me everything.”

  Her hands were shaking as though it were our first time. She had nothing to fear. I would always guide her. Just like I did for her first time. For our first time. She touched the front of her jeans and slowly opened them for me. My hands moved around her body and gently tugged, pulling her jeans and panties down enough so I could see her scar.

  I looked up at her. “Touch it, love. Remember with me.”

  She placed her hand on the scar. I inched forward and kissed her hand before placing my hand over hers. I slowly kissed up her body, savoring each breath, each second, and each kiss, drawing an invisible straight line all the way up to her neck. I pressed my body to hers, our hands between us. I nuzzled my nose against her ear.

  “We’ll always miss her,” I whispered. “No matter where our lives take us. We’re always going to fucking miss our daughter.”

  The last word caught in my throat.

  Kinsley wrapped her free arm around my back and dug her nails into me.

  I felt her chest heave with emotion.

  Mine did the same.

  We stood there together, remembering the life that could have been. The life that should have been. Every little moment from the one where she took the pregnancy test and we sat on the corner of our old mattress in our crammed room, both looking around, wondering how the fuck we were going to raise another life. Completely terrified. But when the test showed that she was pregnant, every bit of fear was instantly gone. Because when I looked at her, I just knew… she was going to be a great mother. And because of that, I would be a great father.

  I took my hand from Kinsley’s hand and reached behind her back again. Both hands, fingers spread wide, just holding her. Holding my girl. Holding my woman. Holding the one… the only one… the right one… the everything one.

  She slipped her hand away from behind us and ran that hand up my shirt, her fingertips and nails playfully flirting with my skin. My skin tightened as a rush darted between my legs. All emotion aside, there was only so much I could take of being near Kinsley before I needed to have her.

  I looked at her and we both simply grinned.

  Two lost fools in a crazy world. Stepping on hearts that probably didn’t deserve it along the way. We never once conformed to what everyone said we should do or be. Leaving a trail of doubts and voices yelling at us while we took each other’s hand and just kept going. I was always the first one to jump, but she was always right there with me. And without jumping too I probably would have made it.

  “My god do I love you,” I whispered. “It almost fucking hurts.”

  “Then let’s make it feel better,” she whispered and jumped up to her toes to kiss me.

  My hands moved fast and kept her in that position, trying to balance her on her toes. “You shouldn’t tempt me like that, Kins.”

  “Too late. What are you going to do about it?”

  My right hand slid up her back and opened her bra with the twist of my fingers. My hands touched the edge of her jeans and panties. I took my time for a few seconds, feeling her body wiggling against mine. I kissed her when I felt like it, torturing her as I left her wanting more. My hands touched the warm, soft skin of her backside as I pulled her tighter against my body. I bent my legs and brought her down to the floor.

  Right there on the messy bed of random blankets and pillows, I had my Kinsley to myself. No guilt needed in my heart. No worries about the time and tomorrow coming to steal her from me. On my knees before her as I slid her clothes down her legs, tossing them aside, telling myself she would never need to be dressed ever again. My hands touched her thighs as she slightly bent her legs. Her knees touched, teasing me at the sight of her smooth and curvy body, the
scar on her belly maybe the most beautiful thing about her. My right hand gently cut between her legs, inching up toward her body. I leaned forward, putting my left hand to the floor, hovering over her. Kinsley clawed at my shirt, forcing me to take my hand away from her body so she could take it off me.

  When she did, I put my hand right where it had been. Her hands sought comfort on my chest, digging at my skin as she sighed, parting her legs for me, my fingers racing up until I felt the warmth of her slit against my fingertips. I sucked in a breath and held it as I pressed forward, feeling her perfect body welcome me. Her hips jumped as she groaned, her head moving back as she shut her eyes.

  I moved down and kissed her neck again, the tip of my tongue confessing my love for her.

  Kinsley scratched down my body and opened my jeans. Her hands moved fast as I positioned myself between her legs. She got my jeans down just enough to free me and her hands came around to touch me. Both hands against my stiff thickness, pulling me forward, trying to take control. I slipped my fingers from between her legs and eased forward, letting her guide me toward her. Believe me, I didn’t need to be guided. I knew what I wanted. I knew what she wanted.

  I knew what we both needed.

  As I broke her threshold, I gritted my teeth. It was a feeling I wasn’t sure I’d feel again. Her back arched and I quickly moved my left hand behind her back, feeling her body so tight as I took myself to the hilt. I stayed there, driving forward with harder force, my mouth kissing her right breast, taking her, tasting her, pulling back, making her try to move with me before letting her go.

  My left hand moved up her back until I was holding her head in my hand. I pulled back from between her legs and drove forward again. Going impossibly slowly for the dire needs burning between us. But I wanted to feel her. I wanted to love her. There was nothing working against us anymore.

  I held her and loved her. I kissed her, and she grabbed the back of my hair with force, wanting me to stay there. When she needed a breath, she would gasp or groan, our lips still touching. I moved faster by the second, feeling her hips wanting more as she moved her body in a dangerous way. When we broke the kiss for more than a second, our eyes would lock. All we could do was tell each other we loved each other. Making up for all the times we never said it or couldn’t say it. She left me feeling shaky and nervous, even while I was with her in that moment. My right hand traveled miles up and down her body. From the curve of her shoulder to the curve of her hip. Down the back of her leg where I’d squeeze and drive forward with a grunt. She’d accept me and gasp, her body jumping at the sudden move.