But as powerful as they were, they were far from omniscient, and their strength, while impressive, wasn’t as scary as this connectedness suggested.
Was this what Asellus had been rambling on about when she said: our return to who we were. Had their power waned over their long lives? Had this oneness been lost, setting them adrift from what they’d once been?
The bell chimed.
Dee’s thoughts shattered to blissful calm.
Her connectedness expanded.
As if some exterior layer cracked, Dee poured outward, tendrils of herself sparking against the ebb and flow of the world around her.
Overwhelmed by the sudden shift, her nerves tingled, and her breath caught, but she refused to let go of whatever it was she’d found.
Except, it was a fleeting thing. Whatever shield she’d cracked reassembled itself and cut her off from this greater macrocosm.
Heart pounding at the strangeness of where her awareness had drifted, Dee accepted its passing, knowing she would search for it again. Knowing it was there to find.
Silence.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
3
Dee rolled her neck, opened her eyes.
Pollux looked down at her. She met his gaze, unsurprised at his proximity. She wondered at his expression, if maybe he could read her thoughts and in so doing, had followed the progress of her inward journey.
Asellus' voice grounded her to the room. "It is hard not to chase it, though it only makes it more fleeting."
Before today, Dee wouldn't have understood the statement. "Does it get easier to find? Does it finally stay with you all the time?"
Pollux gave a half-smile. "Not all the time."
Dee relaxed her rigid posture. It was the answer she'd expected, but not the one she'd wanted.
"Not as you mean." Asellus expounded on Pollux's response, maintaining her lotus position with eyes on the panoramic view. "Your thoughts will forever be better controlled. It was so the first time you sat to try this practice. That aspect will only ever grow.
"There is so much you've learned. It shouldn't be forgotten that there is more you have not. To learn most things is to experience, but there is so little time."
"We can not force her."
Dee met Pollux's eye, not sure what she heard in his tone. His blank expression didn't help her decipher it.
Rather than fuel her anger, this nuance was an observed fact rather than a perceived slight. Asellus hadn't exaggerated that Dee would have better control over her thoughts.
Dee let her eyes flit between Pollux and the serene Asellus, taking her time to study them. Asellus' skin was a much paler tone than the tall Twin's. Both had hair that fell down their backs, though Pollux's was much darker, almost black, his large blue eyes differing from the female's small, caramel ones. Asellus' face, portraying a matron in her sixties, made Pollux's mid-to-late twenties appearance come off as all the younger. If not for his demeanor of composed arrogance, Dee might have thought herself older than him.
Along with the physical observation, she realized she could tell the difference between the two by the press of power each pushed on her. If she'd been blindfolded, there would be no doubt who was who. Yet, even in this individuality, there was not one that felt more than the other. There was no mistaking the power they contained, some thing that wasn't and had never been, human. On some level, Dee thought that's what this feeling was saying. Not only danger but other.
For the first time, Dee let go of the leash she'd put on this sense. Repressing it, rather than be overwhelmed with so many always near, Dee had never played with this simplest of her skills. It wasn't only the Rishis who triggered the feeling in her, but the Soldiers and Messengers, the Revenants and all other manner of creature spawned when these Ancients' blood mixed with humans. Bombarded with so much all at once, she'd turned the volume way down, rather than deal with sensory overload.
Gently releasing her hold on it now, she pushed it outward, probing the area around her in larger and larger circles. Comfortable with how that felt, she concentrated the sense at the Rishi closest to her.
Asellus' head snapped to her, eyes piercing with intense curiosity. "What is this?"
Dee shuttered the power, body tensed in anticipation of defending herself against whatever anger she'd riled.
Pollux's face lit with excited anticipation. "I think she was tapping you."
Asellus looked Dee over as if for the first time. "Who knows she can do this?"
The barest lift from one of Pollux's shoulders told that he didn't know. His unwavering stare on Dee said that he thought she did.
Dee's eyes moved back and forth between the two, conjuring and discarding options and fall-out plans for telling and not telling.
Partly from panic, a little to stall having to answer, Dee stood and took a step away from her audience. Following the path of the curved floor, Dee looked out and up, relaxing with the illusion of space she'd given herself between the Beings that could take her out with a breath if they decided that was best.
So used to hiding, she still resorted to it. But, hadn't she said she was done hiding? She'd agreed to join this adventure—-Not that there were other options-—and if she continued to hide, there wouldn't be room to get through it as anything other than some puppet.
At least, that's what she hoped.
-There's always the possibility you'll show them some trick that will get you executed.-
She didn't like that her inner-voice was suddenly adding to the conversation. It had been mostly silent over the last week. She didn't know what it meant that it had awakened to participate now.
She turned from the window. "I'm assuming tapping is—testing—feeling—someone?" Her hands moved in front of her as if the gestures might coax the appropriate verbiage from the air.
Emboldened by Pollux's nod, she continued. "Then, yes, I can do that. Apparently. I didn't even know I could. Not really. I was too afraid to try it on Amalthea."
"You didn't know?"
There was no anger or distrust in Asellus' question, just a sincere desire to clarify Dee's response.
Dee stared out the window, aligning her thoughts. "Revenants feel—different—in my head than Soldiers. And Soldiers are different than—"
She trailed off not sure if comparing Rishis to Soldiers to Revenants would be insulting.
"Difference in what, dear?"
Pollux smirked again. "I think she means us, Rishi. Us and the things we brought into the world."
Dee nodded, gaze fixed on the mountains rather than meet their eyes.
"Those things they make. There is no learning, even among the learned."
Dee was startled by Asellus' words. At every turn, there was dissension and discord among them, and Dee didn't know what that meant for her own journey.
Pollux came away from the wall to put a reassuring hand on Asellus' shoulder. It was the most affection Dee had seen between any of them, and she wondered how the pair's relationship worked behind closed doors. Even between Amalthea and Metis she had never witnessed anything that might suggest some physical relationship, that they were anything beyond colleagues, regardless of how others gossiped. It was semantics she hadn't had time to consider.
She snapped shut and triple-locked the thoughts of Hamal this line of thinking conjured, refusing them their intrusion in her current conversation.
Pollux returned his attention to Dee, his hand remaining on Asellus' shoulder. "So, you can tell the difference between the created. You can tell the difference in individuals?"
She could tell the difference between the two in the room. Did that mean she could tell each individual from every other?
She shrugged, feeling stupid that she'd never bothered to play around with the skill until now.
-You're a coward.-
Rather than rile her, the statement lanced its truth through her. Even from this thing she could have practiced outside anyone's oversight, she'd locked
it away rather than face it.
Pollux mocked her with a grin.
They were all aware of Amalthea's field trip that had been Dee's classroom for learning what can happen when a human underwent Initiation, the process that could change a human into something resembling a Rishi. If they survived the process, the person might find themselves stronger, faster, and smarter, or, something in between. Most likely, they would die.
The process was risky, and Dee still hadn't gotten a real explanation of what would make someone decide to take the gamble. She definitely didn’t know anything about the process.
"I am hopeful that you are here. That you are you."
There was often the feeling when speaking with Asellus that she had joined the conversation late.
"Thanks?"
Asellus laughed, a sound that radiated from her chest so Dee couldn't help but smile along. "I had given up that we might ever reconnect, but your existence suggests that not all hope is lost. It is the only way you could have the talents you do. You have begun to see the connections. If you can see them, it stands to reason we could relearn what we've forgotten."
Dee was sure the Rishi was overstating Dee's newfound skill but didn't want to contradict her. Instead, she shrugged apologetically.
"You don't know what happened to you. Especially the how of it, so you wouldn't understand. This connectivity is not a part of your culture, as it was ours, but it is how you do what you do." Her voice dropped as if she were speaking to herself. "I wonder what things you might do if you understood how you did it."
Pollux patted the matron's shoulder before removing his hand. "I'm not sure we have time for all that just now, Mayi."
The endearment turned her to him with a smile. So much was held in that look: hurts and healings from times long gone.
Pollux broke the moment when he turned back to Dee. "I think now that we know who was responsible for—whatever you are—it's time to figure out the more specifics of what. I always thought the what of it was, by far, the more important question."
His glazed stare indicated he now studied her as some object.
She frowned, but he didn't notice.
"We know you can receive our silent communication."
It was when the Twins' storytelling had come alive in her mind that they'd learned this fact. She'd even experienced Pollux's pain at seeing his brother killed as if the torture were her own. Visions of that moment still pulled her from sleep.
"You can tap." Asellus' voice moved from the physical to the telepathic. Maybe you would like to try to speak to us like this now?
Dee's eyes went wide, and she looked at Pollux to judge if he had heard the silent words as well. He nodded. It is useful to be able to speak to only one in a group, though a more difficult feat—a matter of concentration.
Voiceless conversation emboldened her, so Dee asked a thing she hadn't been brave enough to speak audibly. What of Zosma? His claims—
Pollux chuckled as if to a child's naivety while Asellus' face held a look of sympathy. It was her voice that pushed through Dee's head. He would not give us information willingly. I can't think of any among us who would share information so coveted, most especially, that one.
Dee raised her eyebrows in disbelief. Not even you?
Asellus' sad smile was Dee's only answer.
All this assumes Zosma's even telling the truth. Pollux didn't give Dee time to ponder Asellus' cryptic non-answer.
Would it matter?
Dee looked to Pollux for help in interpreting Asellus' question, but his mocking grin gave no insight.
Dee repeated the matron's words, unsure how literal to take the query. "Would it matter if Zosma could answer my—our—questions?"
Asellus' nod confirmed Dee had the gist of it. Opening her mouth to answer affirmatively, Dee clamped it shut when a new perspective on the issue stole her voice. It was true, Zosma's answers would give her background, would explain things, but none of that would change her situation. His answers wouldn't free her from what was happening. She could learn all there was to know about the Rishis' history and their path to now, but none of it would explain how she fit into their narrative here.
She closed her eyes, envisioning Zosma pointing to her, taking responsibility for her creation from his raised position in the stone theatre of the Twins' fortress. She still couldn't put words to the feeling that had overcome her at that moment.
She should hate him. By his own volition, Zosma was responsible for the mess of her life. But she couldn't find indignation. It was buried too far beneath the questions that might finally plug all the holes in her past.
Just like that, she was back to answers and the desire to find them.
"It might matter for determining how I feel about Zosma."
Asellus cocked her head, inviting more explanation.
Dee stared at her hands. "Maybe I'll be angry. Maybe I'll want to kill him and his entire House."
"That would be something. I'm sure you'd have plenty of volunteers to aid you."
Dee felt the smile in Pollux's words.
"You would be happy with a life in pursuit of vengeance?"
Dee wasn't sure if the question was for her or Pollux, but she responded anyway. "Happy?"
What was happy? She'd spent her life following others' interpretations of what her life should be, then hiding from living when there was no one to tell her how, only to find herself back to stumbling behind others' leads when forced to face the world. She wasn't sure she'd know happy if it showed up wrapped in a bow.
Asellus expounded on her original question. "Feeling slighted, you'd be pushed to even that slight? In this case, through the death of Zosma and everyone his life touches? Instead of all that, why not admit there is no slight."
It was Dee's turn to cock her head, eyes wide in shock at the matron's suggestion. Inside, she raged, her inner-voice spitting fire at the idea she might not get blood. Might not deserve blood.
Asellus smiled sagely. "Your self demands the acknowledgment. It is this ego-persona who appeals for recognition through payback. But, if there were no self, no ego, no pride, there would only be accepting the moment of Zosma's and your life crossing paths, then the next moment when you are here."
"You're talking about leaving the past in the past." Dee was trying, and failing, to listen objectively to Asellus' lecture.
"I'm talking about much more than that." The Rishi leaned forward, and Dee found herself leaning in as well. "I'm talking about letting go of the idea of you. You aren't who you were when you woke up this morning. Especially, you're not the same as the you who was used by Zosma. Deciding to focus on retribution for a self that no longer exists is futility at its most base."
Dee understood what the Rishi was saying; she just didn't believe what the Rishi was saying. Throwing words together to create difficult concepts didn't establish truth.
She glanced at Pollux to see how he might weigh in on the subject. His face was blank, eyes wary as if afraid of what Asellus was saying.
Dee frowned at him. "Nothing to say on the matter?"
He scoffed. "Not really. We have adapted to this new era. Asellus likes the old ways."
Asellus grimaced but otherwise didn't respond.
"Still," the Twin continued. "I would ask myself why these things are spoken. Someone this old—" his hand gestured to Asellus, "must know a little something about something."
"Who are you calling old?"
Surprised by their sudden joviality, Dee smiled.
She'd stayed quiet, she'd watched, she'd waited. She’d taken what they gave her, learned what she could do so she'd be ready when the time came to escape their clutches. Now that she might be in reach of the hard questions, would they stop her from chasing them because it might mean she'd want a little payback?
4
She'd been up since dawn.
After a sixty-minute meditation session, she'd struggled to maintain her breath while holding poses her muscles had never att
empted. The calisthenics of yoga had her heart racing. She was embarrassed for herself, the sweat pouring over her telling of how difficult she was finding the effort. She'd never have believed such a practice could be so tricky.
Then a dunk in the coldest of pools before a casual ninety-minute meditation session after which the work began.
She'd been at the mountain retreat for three weeks and she was finally, mostly, getting used to the schedule.
Yesterday, Castor had left. An argument between the Twins, heated words in that language Dee was sure no human had a name for, had ended with him storming off. She wondered what could be so bad it would make the Twin go.
But Dee wasn't wondering this now. All her attention was on Pollux, who'd taken his question of what she might be far more literally than she'd have liked. Their training had reached new levels of intensity. Insanity, really.
Pollux held the five-foot practice bo, what was essentially a thick, wooden stick, straight out from an extended arm between the knuckles of his first and second fingers. Dee attempted the same, grinning at her miserable attempt. If not for watching the warrior do it himself, she would have suggested it was impossible.
The solemn reproach in Pollux's eyes stifled her self-deprecating chuckle.
Holding her bo straight out with five fingers was difficult enough, but she stilled her breath, used the techniques she'd learned in both her morning yoga and multi-session meditation to focus her thoughts into imagining what she was trying to do.
Deep, slow breaths into the center of her discomfort pushed her to her next level.
She smiled like an idiot schoolgirl when the bo pointed straight out as an extension of her arm.
Pollux's huff of contempt had her drop to a fighting stance. She stared him down, daring him to attack.
We Are Forever (Rishi's Wish Book 2) Page 3