Me: He’s sleeping because we didn’t get much last night. I don’t know whether I should wake him though cuz he’s sweatin’ like a dog and this bus is freezing. I don’t know if he is having some sort of nightmare and it’s a bit freaky.
She typed out her answer and quickly posted it.
Damira: Sounds normal to me. Kaz has a hard time sleeping which is why you see him drink so much scotch at night. It’s not to get drunk but to put him to sleep. His childhood was no picnic but when he is ready to discuss it with you, he will. Don’t press him for information though because it will only make him close up even more.
I typed back a fast response.
Me: I didn’t plan to. I don’t know…part of me wants to know and the other part of me would rather not know what his childhood was like. I know I am being contradictory but hopefully you understand my point of view?
This time it was his ex-wife who was slow with responding. Kaz stirred again and changed positions. He had moved to his stomach and his arms clutched his pillow possessively like a lover.
I looked back at the screen and realized she was still typing her answer. She finally posted her response.
Damira: You have to understand how complicated Kasper is and how broken he is as a human being. Music is his life and the only outlet he has that keeps him sane. You take that away and he has nothing. He can learn to care about people and I truly believe he cares about you, Syd, but don’t force him into a corner. Emotions scare him and when you become overly “feminine” or show too many feelings, he becomes overwhelmed and will look for a way to end the relationship. At the same time, please don’t ever close your feelings off to him because they help him thrive. He wants to be loved for who he is and not for what he does.
I thought about her answer for a long time before I heard Kaz stir and yawn in the background.
Me: Gotta go. He’s up and he doesn’t want us “consorting” with one another!
She typed her answer very quickly.
Damira: Why doesn’t that surprise me? Take care and see you in Seattle. *Hugs* <3
I quickly signed off my conversation to Kaz’s ex as I turned around to face him. He stood, stretched and strolled to the bathroom before locking the door behind him.
I breathed a sigh of relief he hadn’t looked over in my direction as I swiveled the chair back to my laptop and began to look over the photos I’d taken in Las Vegas. There were some outstanding ones, great ones, blurry photos which I immediately hit the delete button on and some very risqué photos which were good but would never make the book.
Kaz came out of the bathroom after about twenty minutes in which I assumed he’d done the three 3’s—shit, showered and shaved—and he looked like a million bucks. His hair was still damp but his blue-green eyes were magnetic and no longer bloodshot and he’d changed into a pair of not so baggy blue jeans and a plain black tee-shirt that molded to his fine physique and showed off his six-pack abs.
“Hey, sweetie, whatcha doin’ and when is our scheduled stop? I need a cigarette badly.”
I stood and walked over to the Keurig machine to make him his favorite, chai tea latte, before I said, “We should be stopping soon but in the meantime, let me make you something to drink.”
He walked over to me and placed his arms around my waist, his head rested on my shoulder and I could have stayed like that with him forever. “You’re too good to me. I’m sorry I fell asleep and left you up all alone. I thought you might join me.”
I rested my hands on his own and breathed in the scent of Love & Luck. “Once I’m up, I usually stay up. I can’t get back to sleep because I wanted to go through the photos from Vegas. I don’t know and I never thought I was any good but perhaps that photography class is paying off. I got some great photos of both bands in Vegas and I am sure Seattle will be awesome as well.”
“Except for the sucky weather which is bound to be overcast and gray. I would definitely live there if Seattle had L.A.’s weather.”
I grabbed the mug as soon as the Keurig machine stopped brewing and turned around. “Here you go. This should keep you busy until that scheduled stop.”
“Hey, what’s going on with you? Did I do something wrong?” Kaz’s irises were deep pools of blue mixed with green and his face looked concerned, his brows furrowed and his lips set in a firm line.
“Of course not,” I replied before I smiled easily. “I just have a lot of work to do with the photos and this is the perfect time to get it done—”
“No, it isn’t.” He set the mug on the counter before his hands cupped my face. “In this bus, when we have these boring rides, this is ‘you and me’ time. You can work on the photos when we get to Seattle. Don’t hold out on me, Syd.”
I knew what he wanted but after the talk with his ex-wife, I was completely and utterly confused. How did one do the kind of balancing act she expected from me? I couldn’t become overly emotional because then I would scare Kaz but if I didn’t show any feelings toward him at all, he’d become insecure? Which was it because I wasn’t good with extremes but lukewarm anything drove me nuts.
I was falling into love and developing a sense of “us” as a couple. I stopped using the “I” word and started using “we”. What were we going to do when we got to Seattle? When would we feel comfortable and trust one another to be a safe, secure and happy couple? Would he ever trust me enough to tell me his secrets so I felt like we were connected, truly connected—mind, body and soul and not only when we had sex?
My heart battled my mind constantly because I knew it wasn’t easy for him but it was hell for me too. He was my first lover, the first man I could imagine spending time with and becoming the father of my children. I probably sounded crazy and delusional but I didn’t care. I wanted to be with him and if it took time for him to love me then I could wait but I wouldn’t put up with a relationship that constantly ran hot and cold.
“Fine. I’m not asking you to tell me all your secrets or to even disclose anything about yourself you don’t want me to know but I have to understand how you feel about me as a woman and a human being. We have great sexual chemistry and I know love takes time because lust is so easy but…I need to really see you, Kaz. And right now, you put on so many fronts—you wear so many masks—I feel like you’re making me as schizophrenic as you are.
“I know something happened during your childhood and if you want to wait until it feels right to share it then I will wait for you but baby, you confuse me on so many levels. I’m promising no tears or female hysterics this time. I just want us to sit on the sofa and talk. Then we can watch Star Trek Into Darkness I know you have been dying to see.”
Kaz’s hands fall to their sides though his face belied nothing of these supposed “secrets” Damira had suggested. Instead, his expression was one of weariness and exhaustion.
“I know it is difficult for you because there seems to be two parts of me,” he began quietly. “The person I am when we were back in L.A. is not the person who materializes when I am on tour. I’d like to think I am more like my mother when I am in an environment I am comfortable in but…on tour, different hotels and so many venues and crowds, I become more like my father. Cold, withdrawn, moody. I am not always the most pleasant person to be around and I may scare you at times with my behavior but know I would never hurt you.”
“Funny thing is I am not afraid of you hurting me physically because I can deal with that kind of pain. I turn my pain censors off and can accept what ever you dish out but what you’re doing to my heart and my soul…I can’t take it. I am breaking and you’re slowly doing it to me. I have never been weak and needed anyone but I need you and what we have together despite how dysfunctional it gets,” I explained in a soft voice.
“I hate you’re falling in love with me, Syd. You deserve better and I believe…no, I know I am too much like your real father because all those bastards are alike. My dad included and I despise him even more for turning me into the person I am now. I don’t underst
and why he had to make my mother suffer until she felt like she had no ‘out’ but death. When I lost her, it was a very traumatizing experience but it was just a scar…the first cut and the deepest but I could have been all right.
“The problem arose when my father put no effort into me and told me I was weak and just like her. I took it to heart and then he sent me off to boarding school. Music became my outlet…specifically angry music so I became a hard-core metal and hip-hop junkie. I devoured those angry songs and then I realized it was what I wanted to do when I became of age. He couldn’t stop me and after what happened when I was at school, I wouldn’t be the same again but…I don’t discuss that with anyone. Damira doesn’t even know.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him softly before he forced my mouth open with his tongue. I tasted toothpaste and chai tea latte but it was seductive and powerful. We separated reluctantly and he nibbled my neck playfully.
“You don’t have to tell me anything. I promise. I just…I need some assurance here that when I do fall in love with you, will you hate me and punish me to break me?”
Kaz stared at me for a long time. “No…we can’t help our emotions and why would I punish you? I…care so much about you that if I were to hurt you, it would be like hurting myself. I won’t tell you about what happened at school because it’s not going to help nor hinder our situation and I don’t ever want you to look at me as if I am someone who needs to be felt sorry for because I don’t deserve it. I have issues and I deal with them but I am still luckier than ninety-nine percent of the population. I refuse to wallow in self-pity because it is a useless fucking emotion that helps no one.”
“If it was that traumatic—”
“When is life not traumatic, Sydney? For anyone? Who goes through this life unscathed? It’s not worth talking about, seriously. It’s like, ‘Congrats, you have issues like everyone else in the world.’ Is anyone out there who isn’t broken as an adult? Seriously, ask yourself that and then think about me. What makes my issues so fucking special they outweigh the horrors that happen to people around the world every day?”
I wanted to respond but the bus slowed and I realized we had reached our first stop on the road. It was time to get out and stretch our legs. Although I had wanted Kaz to continue, the rest stop seemed like a blessing in disguise. I didn’t want him to know how badly I wanted to understand him because it would only make me love him more, not less and perhaps that wasn’t a good thing after all.
Chapter Eleven
Next Stop: Seattle
Kaz allowed Syd to climb out of the bus first before they all met everyone at a rest stop table in the middle of no where. There weren’t even other travelers there and that was both a blessing and a relief.
“Where the fuck are we, man?” Seth inquired to no one in particular as he lit a Marlboro and dragged deeply from it.
“Some bumfuck place in Idaho,” Grant answered as he swigged from a Heineken.
Kaz tuned out their conversation as he witnessed Jaden growling in the phone to someone and if he knew who that person was, they were all in deep shit. The MC would have a fit if they found out.
Maeve “Misty” Cox was a major pain in the ass and Jaden’s younger sister by eighteen months. He had an older brother, Cillian—nicknamed Killer—because he did a lot of the hits for the MC and had eliminated quite a few friends and foes; and the twenty-two year old twins, Quinn and Ronan.
They were all part of the MC and played active roles—with the exception of Misty who still had yet to settle down and find an old man she approved of but she was hot as fire and cold as ice with a body of a supermodel and the face of an angel. She was pure Cox and a hellraiser to boot. If she was planning to attend their Seattle show then they were in a world full of trouble.
Jaden ended the call and threw his iPhone to the ground where the screen shattered. Faith merely looked at him as she swigged from a mini bottle of Cristal. “How many times are you going to break that fucking screen before you tear up the phone? Jeez, Cocky, it can’t be that bad.”
“Shut up, bitch!” he exclaimed in anger and walked off in the opposite direction.
Kaz couldn’t help but take pity on his friend—though woe betide anyone who felt any for him—and quickly started a brisk jog to catch up with his best friend.
Jaden smoked a Camel and looked somewhat defeated as he sat on an isolated chipped bench.
Kaz joined him with a lit cigarette in his hand and dragged before he sat down next to his best friend. “Misty comin’ hell or high water?”
“She drives me nuts, Kaz. She was dating a fucking gang member…Drake Jackson, the mulatto whose black father runs the Ruff Riders chapter in Lake Tahoe. She knows how our parents feel about that shit. She’s pregnant and scared…seems her half-nigga lover doesn’t want to stick around to raise a baby he considers half-biker trash but she can’t get an abortion and doesn’t want to give the baby up for adoption either. She can’t be at home because she’s beginning to show and with the tight clothes she wears, everyone is beginning to wonder why she is dressing modestly,” he explained in a cold tone.
“Fuck. What does she plan to do once she gives birth?”
Jaden shook his head as he ground out the butt of his cigarette and immediately reached for another and lit it. “That’s what happens when you’re in love and broken, Kaz. This kid is all she has to hold on to her worthless ex-lover and she won’t let go. Our parents will come around eventually…they remember the Irish are the niggers of Europe but…it’s the duplicity that will get to them.”
“Does she know whether it’s a girl or a boy?”
“She’s carrying a girl…thank God. It’ll make it easier for her to get on and it’ll keep Lucifer’s Saints from breaking their ‘no blacks, Arabs, Asians or Hispanics’ policy. She can never be a member and she’ll easily become an old lady…like my sister should have done before she decided to spoil everything. Kennedy carries a torch for her after all these years…perhaps she’ll take him up on it.”
“It’s doubtful…” Kaz trailed off as the two men smoked in silence.
“What am I going to do? It’s not like she can share a bus with me and Faith. We have enough issues and I don’t want to involve Misty.”
“Well, shove Faith in the bus carrying the rest of the girls or put Misty there. We can’t turn her away either, Jaden.”
“Yeah but she’s five and a half months which means she will give birth while we are on tour. Not to mention we’ll be in Europe by then.”
Kaz slapped his best friend on the back in a friendly gesture. “Well, that’s a good thing since all the countries we are visiting have universal health care and she’ll be taken care of. It’s tragic but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world and getting mad at everyone who tries to help you isn’t going to do a damn bit of good. Did you have to call Faith a ‘bitch’ in front of everyone?”
“She’s actin’ like a Grade-A cunt, Kaz.” Jaden’s amber eyes shined in the bright sunlight. “What about your old lady? Is she driving you batty yet with declarations of love and devotion? Don’t try to deny it because that bitch is majorly into you. You would have to be blind to see how much she cares about you. This isn’t some…plaything to you…is it?”
Kaz dragged from his cigarette before he exhaled and flicked the excessive ash off the tip. “No, this is most certainly not a play thing, Jaden. I am…feeling emotions I haven’t experienced since I was with Damira and that is never a good thing. I don’t know how to describe it except I want to tell her shit I have never told anyone but you. She is working her way under my skin in the worst way and I am just…I feel like I am just going to let her down in the end.”
“Dude, you should be more worried about her letting you down. Are you sure she’s made out for this kind of life? The road can break certain people. Look what happened to your ex. You assumed because she came from a background of hard knocks, she would be able to get used to the whole situation but she e
nded up flipping in the end and divorced your ass. Do you want another one of those?”
“There won’t be another incident like that because I am not marrying anyone else, Jaden. We can live together and when she wants a baby, I’ll happily give her one but there won’t be another Mrs. Kasper Gillian…ever.”
They both broke into friendly laughter as Faith walked over, her face pinched and her attitude as shitty as the look on her face. “Break time’s over. The driver says if we want to get to Seattle at a decent time then we need to leave now.”
Kaz watched as Jaden threw his cigarette to the ground and stepped on the lit cherry with his shit-kickers.
“Listen, I shouldn’t have said what I said to you but I was pissed off,” he said as he wrapped an arm around her waist and they strolled toward the direction of the bus.
Kaz stood and made his way to his own bus. Syd laughed with Damira and Talia just several yards away but the moment their eyes connected, she said her quick goodbyes and jogged over. She had on a pair of black shitkickers and he smiled slightly because she wasn’t nearly as silly as he thought. It was all grassy knolls and concrete; she wasn’t foolish enough to wear a pair of four-inch high heels.
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