“What is it, baby? I know you have your secrets—we all do—but I don’t want you to tell me anything you aren’t ready to do. Have I pushed you in some way or do you think you’ll lose me if you don’t tell me because that’s not going to happen. I would never leave you…you know that, right?”
“Course I do, Syd, but this is about me trusting you and…I have developed very strong feelings for you. If I didn’t tell you about me then you only have part of the picture and you’ll never fully understand me. Frankly, I’m tired of living a lie. I didn’t tell Damira the whole truth about my past and I really do think that aided our demise. If she knew me, really understood me, then she would have done everything in her power to make our marriage work.”
He paused and ran his left hand through his damp hair. “Sometimes I think I didn’t tell her because it’s such a fucking cliché. Sexual abuse is so common and yet, we, as a society, close our eyes to it because it’s easier to play happy fuckin’ families. I couldn’t put my own son through it but I know what it’s like and I need to share this with you.”
He’d dropped the bomb in my lap but somehow I knew this was only the tip of iceberg. I then wondered if his abuser had been a man or a woman; someone with a position of power who could keep him silent all these years and not trust a soul with what he’d been through.
“Does anyone know at all?”
Kaz didn’t look at me as he swigged from his scotch. “Jaden knows. We’re best friends and he went through something similar but it was still the same. It doesn’t matter who does it—they leave a mark and scar your soul in a way that is indescribable. I buried it for a long time but it reared its ugly head when I had to speak to Seth and since then, I can’t get it out of my mind. I hope if I tell you, the demons will go away they’ll leave me in peace again…I don’t want to go back to that dark place ever again.”
I touched his right thigh with a gentle hand as I turned toward him. “It’s not a cliché, Kaz. I was never abused as a child—sexually, physically or psychologically—and I was given all the love I could handle and more. It’s true, I don’t have a relationship with my father but that never mattered because my grandfather was always there for me. He was my surrogate father and I love him to death, even now. You’ve spoken to my mother and you understand how much she worries about me constantly.”
I paused before I continued, “My…anorexia was just a way of hurting myself because my mother told me the truth about my conception and for a while, I hated myself despite how much love I was surrounded with. I know now I was just being a spoiled brat at the time because my life was perfect and better than probably ninety-nine percent of the world’s population. I was just being a teenager and I hate what I did to myself and my family with my horrific affliction.”
“You were one of the lucky ones because I know for a fact your father is an asshole who cheats on his wife but he’s a hypocrite. He paints himself to be this perfect man and you are better not knowing him. Is he as bad as my old man? Fuck no but…he only rates slightly higher on the Richter scale of assholeness.” Kaz finished his drink and stood. “Do you need a re-fill?”
“Did you just make up a word? Assholeness is not in any dictionary I have ever consulted, including the Urban Dictionary,” I teased him just to lighten up the situation a bit and make him smile. “Sure, I’ll take a refill.”
I watched his fluid movements and admired him from behind. I realized what ever he told me, it didn’t matter because I would be there for him. I would help him piece himself back together and there was no way in hell I was ever letting this man out of life. I wouldn’t repeat the same mistakes my mother did because Kaz was free, white and over twenty-one. We could make this work one way or another.
He strolled over and sat next to me before he handed me my glass of scotch. I sipped from it and turned toward him so I wouldn’t have to crane my neck.
“Christ, where do I begin because I won’t tell you all the disgusting details. It would only make you think I’m unclean and I have been through some shit. I’m in a rock band for God’s sake but I have never forced myself on anyone and I have never done anything I didn’t want to do. You feel me?”
“I feel you.” My hands reached out and touched his beautiful, recently shaved face. “There is nothing you could tell me that would make me love you any less. You get where I’m coming from? I know you have been through a shit load of therapy so I know you don’t need my dime-store psychology input to let you know what ever happened wasn’t your fault.”
“Yeah, I know, but all the shrinks in the world can’t cure the case of what I got because part of me wants to hold on to it so I could hate him but I can’t because we are brothers. I know it isn’t his fault entirely. He had been a victim and he needed to victimize someone else so he would feel all right with himself. I was there and what we did together…it was unnatural and awful.”
Kaz sipped from his scotch before he sighed. “This has nothing to do with being gay or straight because if I am honest with myself, I don’t know anyone who is a hundred percent anything. Have I been turned on by guys? Yes. Am I ashamed? No. I love women and I want to be with you. I don’t need anyone but you…and my brother made something that should happen between two consulting adults dirty and filthy and unclean.”
My chest rose and fell. “Did he make you suck him off?”
“Yeah, he did.”
“Did he sodomize you?”
“Multiple times…too many times…I lost count. I know he prefers homosexual sex because he has a permanent male lover though they change when he tires of them. He has done a very good job of keeping his secret life away from our family and his own but I keep tabs and have been gathering a file on him for a long time now. He will never become a nominee for Presidential candidacy because I would just share all the information with every major newspaper in the country,” he explained, his voice bitter and with a tinge of anger.
“I’m the first one to know this besides your therapist and Jaden?” I finally wondered after a long silence passed between us.
“Yes. I couldn’t tell Damira and Keren knew nothing about my background except I was a former spoiled rich kid who lost most of his trust fund when he decided to become a rock star.”
“What’s so special about me you would share this with me and so few other people?”
He reached over and kissed my lips. “I want a future with you, baby. I couldn’t lie to you because then nothing we had would be real and we have to mean something to one another. Don’t you agree?”
I nodded my head. “Absolutely.”
Kaz set his glass down and buried his head in my lap. I held him and stroked his hair; the time for useless conversation and words was over. We just needed to be there for one another and it didn’t surprise me when I heard him begin to cry. He had never revealed this side of himself to me and while he sobbed in my lap, the tears also fell from my own eyes.
I leaned over and kissed his head. “Baby, I’m here for you. I’ll always be here and you don’t ever have to worry about anything. I promise you that.”
He didn’t respond, instead he wrapped his arms around my waist and squeezed tightly. Never had I ever felt so safe, secure or loved by anyone other than my grandfather and my mother.
The irony of the situation was Kaz hadn’t told me he loved me yet.
Chapter Eighteen
Intermission
Kaz worried as he continued to drink Macallan 30 and it was eight in the morning. He and Syd had arrived shortly after five am at the Taj Hotel downtown Boston. They were tucked into a luxury park view suite due to the upgrade Kaz had to make because there weren’t any cheaper suites available and he paid for the room himself.
He’d watched the park and the traffic after tossing and turning next to Syd for over an hour. He couldn’t sleep yet he wasn’t hungry either. He just wanted to get shit-faced and then pass out on the bed.
Their concert wasn’t until the following night and both ban
ds agreed they would rehearse the day of the concert so it was a free day for everyone.
The day was overcast and much like Kaz’s mood.
He didn’t regret telling Syd the truth about him but he did feel like throwing himself a little pity party and that usually involved copious amounts of alcohol. He would have lit a joint and smoked it with this fine single malt scotch but every place was non-smoking and illegal drugs that left a scent in a hotel were a definite no-no.
The Macallan had numbed him but it didn’t take the edge off.
Kaz pulled a shirt on and took the elevator down several floors to the executive suites the rest of the band members were staying in. He knocked on the door to Jaden’s suite and moments later, Faith answered the door in a silk teddy that barely covered her most intimate body parts.
“Kaz!” she exclaimed with bright gray-green eyes. “What’s the matter? Is something wrong?”
“What are you two doing up?” he questioned in a suspicious voice.
She smiled but it was far from friendly. “We were having our own little private party. You know, the kind that usually involves sex, drugs and rock music. However, we have the volume turned down low so we don’t disturb the neighbors.”
“Jaden here?”
“Yep. Come on in.” She opened the door wider.
He walked in and for them to be having a “party”, it was quite civilized. The Deftones played on low volume and the antique magazine table was decorated with two mirrors, one which had lines of powdered Oxycontin and the other which had cocaine.
Kaz’s heart beat faster and he realized what he needed. He didn’t have to involve drugs in his situation but it was a free day and he wasn’t performing. He needed something to take the edge off.
There were other ways he could have scratched that awful itch inside him but to wake Syd up just to fuck her senseless was out. He had too much respect for her; she wasn’t a fuck doll and he loved her even if he hadn’t told her yet. He would just have to find another way to calm himself down.
The funny part wasn’t him telling Syd about what went on between him and Randall; all this started when he made the fatal mistake of calling his father an hour previously to showing up at his best friend’s suite. No matter how much money he made, his father considered him trash. Then he started talking about Randall and how his favorite son was in town with Adeline, his French socialite wife, and their three sons.
Kaz wondered if he would speak so highly of his brother if he knew he was a closet homosexual who had sodomized and molested him most of his teenage years. However, he couldn’t bring that up because his father would accuse him of being the “attention-seeker asshole” his mother had been. It wasn’t worth the aggravation.
They spoke for around ten minutes and that conversation had him at his best friend’s suite because he wanted to get high like no one’s business. It would be something to smooth out the rough edges and then the following day, he would return to the usual controlled Kaz everyone—including Sydney—knew. He wouldn’t touch the shit for months, years or maybe never again but that didn’t cure his present situation.
“Christ, what happened to you, man?” Jaden wondered as he stood and walked over to Kaz.
“I told Sydney about…Randall.”
The mention of his brother’s name turned his best friend’s amber eyes cold as ice. “She judge you?”
Kaz shook his head as he leaned against wall. “That’s not Syd. She doesn’t judge anyone and she was there for me when I cried like a bitch on her lap in the bus. She cried along with me but it wasn’t pity…she truly could feel my pain and it was…deep.”
Faith snickered. “Sydney fucking Landvik? Are we talking about the same person because the woman is about as deep as Paris Hilton—”
“You’re one to fucking talk. She’s not like that and she’s grown up…a lot, which is more than I can say for you. You’re here to party and have fun but she is actually working.”
She backed up with her hands held up in protest. “Listen, I’ll leave you two at it but I expect you to fuck me soon, Jaden.”
He waited until she waltzed into the bedroom and closed the door behind her.
“How can you deal with her? I’m sure she is lovely person when no one else can disturb you two.”
Jaden rolled his eyes. “Listen, when you grow up in an MC, you dream of getting a classy woman like Faith. I know she seems like a fuckin’ idiot but she is smart as a whip and she can suck cock like no other bitch I have ever come across. I fell in love with her a long time ago and I’m not letting her go any time soon so you’re just going to have to deal.”
Kaz walked over to the sofa and picked up the mirror with the cocaine on it and snorted two full lines. The drip hit him immediately and he knew soon, he would be high as a kite—quite the cliché but true in his case.
“Listen, I won’t judge. It’s just hard to imagine her as your old lady when we have shared her. All the times she’s sucked me off while you fucked her senseless or…that time when you were fucking her and I took her up the ass like it was nothing and the bitch not only enjoyed it but she fucking begged for seconds. Do you really want someone like that as your wife? The mother of your children and the woman you pledge your life to?”
Jaden snorted a line of Oxy before he stared at his best friend. “Hey, it was you, not some fucking stranger we picked up at a bar. I don’t think what we did was all that bad because you’re my boy, my brother—more of a brother to me than those worthless fucks all stuck to the fuckin’ MC. I would die for you…them, blood or no blood, not so much except for the twins. That’s why my dad can do what ever the fuck he wants but I’m not going back there. I don’t belong to Lucifer’s Saints, I belong to Scarlet Fever.”
“I wouldn’t let that happen anyway. We have the money and we’ll hand it over when we get back from Europe…get this shit off your head for good. I’ll go with you—hell, the whole band will go and I am sure we’ll manage to shock a few of the girls when they see a real live biker party.”
They both laughed together as Jaden laid his head on Kaz’s shoulder. “Don’t take this the wrong way, bro, I am really high and it’s gotten to the point where I’m not sure if I will be able to fuck Faith because I will never ever be able to come. I’ll just wear her out and pass out.”
“Sounds romantic.”
“Does Syd know you’re down here?”
“Nope. She’s knocked the fuck out. Remember, she does a job just like we do and she was tired and fell asleep shortly after we got situated in our room.”
Both men sat in a comfortable silence for ages before Jaden inquired, “So, she’s the one, huh? You gonna marry your virgin princess?”
“Well, for one—she ain’t no princess—and second of all—I busted that cherry a long time ago so she’s not a virgin either.”
“I bet you haven’t tapped that ass. She’s still a virgin in one of her orifices so stop with all the ‘I’ve destroyed her innocence’ crap. She doesn’t know the half of it. You need to stop tip-toeing around her and tell her what you like. I bet she would lube your condom-covered cock up herself before you spread her ass wide and fucked her. She was no innocent from the get-go. Her, technically, being a virgin, doesn’t mean she wasn’t wise about the ways of the world,” Jaden explained in a blunt tone.
“I don’t want to do that with her…not yet at least.”
“Okay, what ever.” Jaden staggered to his feet and stood rather unsteadily as he leaned on the sofa for support. “Listen, I have a beautiful piece of ass in the room and I am going to bed. I suggest you go back to your suite. Snort a couple lines of Oxy and you’ll be sleep next to your woman in less than twenty minutes.”
“Fine.” Kaz grabbed the mirror and snorted two lines of Oxycontin before set the mirror on the table, stood and left shortly afterwards. When he arrived back to his suite, Syd was still asleep; he removed his clothes and crawled into bed beside her.
She rolled over and burie
d herself in his arms. He slipped her closer before his own eyes closed and before he could think of one coherent thought, he fell asleep.
Sydney woke him with kisses down his chest and stomach before her warm, wet mouth covered the mushroom head of his hard cock. He stirred and allowed himself to surrender to the pleasure of a late afternoon blow job.
Kaz had had a lot of women in his lifetime but no one could suck his dick like Sydney could and her skills were amazing. In fact, the way she squeezed him inside her mouth, he would come before he was ready and that wasn’t cool because he didn’t want her mouth, he wanted that juicy pussy between her legs riding his Johnson when he finally busted a nut.
He pulled her up to him and devoured her mouth, his tongue found hers and they swirled together before he pressed her breasts hard. His fingers pinched her nipples hard and she moaned into his mouth.
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