by Pamela Lynne
Elizabeth’s eyes held an expression of both doubt and hope. She could not see herself loving so freely again, lest she get that love thrown back at her with angry words and demands. Though, a large part of her, the part that had been thinking about Darcy nearly constantly, was longing to take the risk. She listened closely as her aunt continued.
“Do not be afraid to give your heart away, Lizzy. Is that not why you fought the engagement to Mr. Collins—so you could give your heart freely? If you hold yourself back, then this entire experience would be for nothing. Do you understand what I am trying to say?”
“I believe so. I would betray myself if I let what happened at Longbourn keep me from loving to the best of my ability. I gave up everything I had in order to love whom I choose, so when I do love someone, I should not let fear control me?”
“Exactly.”
“Why are we speaking of this now?”
“Because you have a young man calling on you today—one who, from what I saw yesterday, has deep feelings for you. If you can return those feelings, then let yourself enjoy this time. What do you feel for Mr. Darcy?”
“I like him. He was kind and attentive yesterday. I believe he is concerned about what happened at Longbourn. He knew something was wrong without me even telling him. I cannot explain it, but I do feel a connection to him. And you are right; it frightens me. I felt close to Jane and Papa, but now that is gone. I may feel things deeply, Aunt, but that does not mean I inspire those feelings in others.”
“Oh, Lizzy, of course you do. Your uncle and I love you very much. I know the prospect of giving your heart to someone is frightening, especially after what you have experienced with your family. But, Lizzy, you cannot live your life only feeling things on the surface. That is what your parents do, and look how unhappy they are. You are better than that. When you see Mr. Darcy today, be completely honest with him about everything you are feeling. Remember, he has asked for your friendship. You cannot be a good friend to him if you withhold your own feelings.”
Elizabeth nodded. She remembered his eyes the day before and how sad he seemed. Her chest became heavy with sympathy and understanding. She wanted to be a good friend to him. If she had to risk her own heart to help him, she would.
The two finished their breakfast in companionable silence as Elizabeth contemplated her aunt’s words. After the dishes had been cleared, Mrs. Gardiner rose and crossed the room to Lizzy’s closet. She opened the doors, looked at her wardrobe, and turned to Lizzy.
“Well, my dear, what do you think your Mr. Darcy would like to see you in today?”
********
Darcy sat in his carriage outside the Gardiner residence and willed his heart to calm. He was nervous. He had felt slightly more at ease the previous day, but that was a chance encounter. Today he was purposely calling on the woman he wanted to marry. He would likely have to sit in their parlor and make small talk with her aunt while not touching Elizabeth as he so desperately wanted. He would be fortunate to caress her hand as he bowed over it.
He slept little the night before as he contemplated the thought that Wickham had something to do with Elizabeth’s current troubles. After he had tried to take advantage of Georgiana, any brotherly affection Darcy held for his childhood friend vanished, and all that remained were anger and hate. If he did anything to harm Elizabeth, Darcy swore he would make him pay by his own hand.
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he wiped his sweaty palms on his trousers. He put on his gloves and finally exited the carriage. He stood in front of a well-kept brick townhome that was nearly twice the size of the other nearby houses. Evergreen topiaries grew in the front, and the entire home was surrounded by a black iron fence. It was not what he expected to see in a house so near Cheapside.
His surprise grew when he entered the house. As a maid took his coat, hat and gloves, he looked around the elegant yet comfortable home. The furniture seemed to be of good quality and was inviting. He felt their home was similar to his own in style and feel. Mr. Gardiner’s business must do very well.
He was shown to a cozy sitting room in the front of the house where the morning sunlight cascaded through the windows. For the second time in as many days, the sight before him caused him to stop and catch his breath. Elizabeth stood in front of the window, wearing a simple pale-green dress with her hair bound in loose curls. The sun coming through the windows behind her cast a glow about her that made her look radiant and ethereal, as if the light were coming from her and not the sun. She was beautiful.
After a moment, he collected himself and managed to bow before the ladies, who curtsied in return. Pleasantries were exchanged, and Darcy took a seat opposite Elizabeth so he could gaze upon her without restriction. The color of her dress brought out the green flecks in her eyes, and he could feel himself becoming lost as he stared into them without thought to his surroundings.
The sound of Mrs. Gardiner’s voice addressing him brought him out of his lovesick haze, and he turned to face her as she said, “Mr. Darcy, the sun is shining so beautifully this morning. Is it too cold outside to take a walk?”
“No, ma’am, it is actually quite pleasant out.” Then looking back at Elizabeth, he asked, “Would you like to go for a walk, Miss Bennet?”
Elizabeth smiled and nodded. She shivered earlier when his gaze was fixed upon her, and now his deep, smooth voice warmed her from the inside out. She wanted to walk with him but was unsure her knees could hold her up at that moment. Thankfully, a firm but gentle hand took hers and helped her stand. She stood with her hand clasped in his, looking up to his face, which held a tender smile. She heard the deep timber of his voice again as he spoke with a meaning beyond the mere words.
“Shall we then?”
Darcy brushed his thumb over her knuckles as he gazed upon her. The touch of his ungloved hand was exquisite in its gentleness and promise. She looked down at their hands and then back up to see that familiar stare. Her aunt was right. There was no way she could keep her heart from this man.
She smiled again and gave a breathless “Yes.” He entwined her arm with his and drew her close as they made their way to the foyer.
********
The morning was indeed beautiful. The air was cold, but the sun, combined with the lack of wind, made the winter day quite pleasant. They walked in silence for some minutes. Darcy was reluctant to start a conversation, knowing it would bring a cloud over their time together. But, he needed to know what caused her move to London and, more importantly, if Wickham was the cause.
“Miss Bennet, as much as I would wish to avoid painful topics, I believe we must discuss your removal from Longbourn.” He paused for a moment and placed his hand over hers. He looked as if his heart was going to break when he asked, “Was Mr. Wickham in any way involved? Did he bring harm to you or your family?”
“Mr. Wickham? No, he is not the reason I am here. Although, now that I think about it, I suppose he is the reason I was able to come to London as quickly as I did.”
Darcy shook his head. “I do not understand.”
“I believe my aunt told you yesterday that she grew up in Lambton? Well, in one of my letters to her last autumn, I told her that I had made the acquaintance of two gentlemen from Derbyshire. When she received my letter, she became quite alarmed at my description of Mr. Wickham as amiable and gentlemanly. It seems she was already well acquainted with Mr. Wickham as he had,” she paused, looking for the right word as her face flushed bright red, “a relationship with a young cousin of hers. My uncle is very protective of Jane and me as he has always been as much of a father to us as our own. He did not want us exposed to such a man, and so they left immediately to collect us and to warn my father. When they arrived, they found there was another reason to bring me to London right away.”
Elizabeth’s chest tightened, and her breath caught in her throat as she prepared to relate to Darcy all that happened with her family. Darcy saw her distress and pulled her as close as he could without a
ctually embracing her.
He lifted his hand from hers to stroke her cheek as he whispered a husky, “Tell me.”
Comforted by his caress, Elizabeth drew a breath and began. “Mr. Darcy, I am in London because I no longer feel welcome at Longbourn. Do you remember meeting my cousin Mr. Collins?”
“My aunt’s parson?”
“Yes. He is my father’s heir as the estate is entailed away from the female line. He came to visit my father with the intention of finding a wife among his five daughters. He chose me.”
They had been walking, but upon hearing these words, Darcy stopped abruptly. He looked at her while trying to suppress the bile rising in his throat.
“I refused him, of course, but Papa encouraged me to rethink my decision. He tried to convince me that it was the only way to keep the Bennet bloodline at Longbourn and, more importantly, keep Mama and my sisters from being homeless upon his death.”
At this point, Elizabeth’s voice lost some of its sadness as she became angry at her father’s actions. “My father started teaching me how to manage the estate when I was fifteen, Mr. Darcy. I know what little effort it would take to secure my mother’s future. Instead of leaving his book room and paying attention to his finances, he decided to tie me to the stupidest man in England and ship me off to Kent until he is ready to hand over Longbourn.”
Elizabeth stopped her rant when she noticed Darcy’s face had gone pale and he was clutching her arm a little too tight.
“Mr. Darcy?”
“I visit my aunt every year at Easter. I could have gone there and found you as that man’s wife! What would we have done then, Elizabeth?”
The sun shone around them, casting London in an unseasonably warm glow, lightening the mood of the citizens who shared the park with Darcy and Elizabeth that morning. But our dear couple felt none of it as they stood in the shadow of what-ifs, each contemplating what was almost taken from them.
Elizabeth started as she felt Darcy’s gloved fingers wiping away tears she did not realize had been shed. He let out a heavy sigh as they began walking again.
“Thank God you maintained your resolve.”
“I almost did not. I was able to resist my father’s attempt at persuasion, but Jane’s argument for the union was unbearable.” Elizabeth told him everything Jane had said, excluding her thoughts about him, with no little emotion.
Darcy made an enormous effort to keep the curses in his mind from coming out of his mouth. He remembered the great care Elizabeth took of her sister when she was sick at Netherfield. To have that kind of devotion disregarded and replaced with the vile words of a miserable harpy seemed unnatural.
“What a cruel way to treat someone you professed to love. She and Bingley deserve each other.”
Elizabeth looked at him curiously, expecting an explanation. He shook his head as he lifted her hand to his lips.
“Later, my love. Tell me the rest. Did you go to your father again?”
“Yes. After my encounter with Jane, I never felt so worthless, as if I deserved no better than the life I would live with Mr. Collins. If my father had chosen the right words, I would have acquiesced. I believe he has always seen me as an extension of himself, which is why he thought comparing my potential marriage to his would work in his favor.
“He said, ‘Come, Lizzy, you will have Longbourn to keep you busy, and with a husband like Collins, you will never be in want of amusement.’ That was when it occurred to me; I endeavored my entire life not to be like my mother, but it never dawned on me that I was becoming just like my father. For the first time, I truly saw what kind of man he was, and I knew if I stayed there, then I would become that, too. I ran out of the house and into the garden where I got sick in the shrubs. It was then that my aunt and uncle arrived.”
She again felt the pressure of his hand upon hers. She tilted her head to see his face, which was practically beaming.
“Elizabeth, I am proud of you. My aunt has been pushing me to marry her daughter for years. I have nothing to lose by refusing her, yet I say nothing, even though I have no intention of granting her wish. You, however, have left your home and your family, everything you have known and loved, all for the sake of being true to who you are. I am astonished at your bravery.”
Elizabeth blushed prettily at his praise. Unable to meet his gaze, she bent her head and said with an embarrassed smile, “Mr. Darcy.”
He chuckled at her uncharacteristic shyness and tugged on her arm. “We should turn back. I do not want your aunt to think I have swept you away somewhere.” The woman on his arm smiled brightly at him. The idea of being swept away by Fitzwilliam Darcy was very appealing indeed.
********
Elizabeth contemplated silently for a moment as they walked back to her aunt’s house. A burden shared is a burden halved. I do not remember where I heard that, but it seems to be true. She tilted her head and studied the man walking beside her. When he was not speaking or smiling, he seemed very stern and unapproachable. Yet, when he looked at her, his eyes held such tenderness that she felt she could talk to him about anything.
He smiled and cocked an eyebrow that seemed to be asking what she was thinking. Elizabeth responded with an even bigger smile and was not at all embarrassed that he had caught her staring at him. He had done it often enough. It was her turn. Her smile faded and brow furrowed as she remembered a comment he made earlier.
“Will you tell me why you said that about Jane and Mr. Bingley—that they deserve each other?”
Darcy’s face became clouded with what Elizabeth could only describe as sorrow. The tenderness in his eyes gave way to sadness as he dropped his head and studied the ground beneath his feet. Sensing he was becoming lost in his own thoughts, Elizabeth placed her free hand on his and slowly traced his fingers with her thumb. This gentle movement drew Darcy’s eyes back to her as his features softened and he drew a deep breath.
“Mr. Bingley and I no longer share an acquaintance. Events transpired just after the Netherfield ball that caused what I fear is an irreparable breach in our friendship.” He once again looked down and bit the inside of his lower lip as he tried to formulate the right words. Not wanting to offend her, he tried to relay the account of Miss Bingley’s attempted compromise as tactfully as possible.
“You may have noticed during our party’s stay in Hertfordshire that Miss Bingley harbored certain hopes in regards to me, or to be more accurate, my estate?”
Elizabeth merely nodded, not wanting to interrupt a story that was obviously hard for him to tell.
“She has been carrying on this way for years. She was seventeen, I believe, when we first met, and apparently now at three and twenty, she is desperate enough to try to force me into a compromising situation.”
Elizabeth gasped and stared up at him with wide eyes. “What did she do?”
“I would rather not say. It is enough that you are acquainted with such a woman. You should not be subjected to all the details of her shocking behavior.”
“I suppose by saying that, you are trying to protect my maiden sensibilities. Mr. Darcy, let me ask you, if Mr. Wickham had compromised me, would you have expected me to tell you about it?”
“Of course.”
“Even if the details would have caused embarrassment to us both?”
“Yes.”
“Then why should I expect any less from you?” Elizabeth’s features remained soft, but her voice was steady while her eyes flashed a determined stare in his direction. “Tell me. I want to know what she did to you.”
Darcy looked into her eyes and saw that she was not merely curious, but protective. She truly cared for him, and that fact made his heart soar. He had never wanted anything as badly as he wanted to kiss her right then. He took in their surroundings and nearly growled. “Why are there so damn many people in this park?”
Elizabeth was momentarily taken back by his choice of words but maintained her resolve.
“There you have it, Mr. Darcy. You swore, and I
did not swoon. Now, will you please tell me what happened?”
Darcy sighed. “When I retired after the ball, I found Miss Bingley in my bedchamber…in my bed.”
It was Elizabeth’s turn to feel the bile rising in her throat. “What did you do?”
“I calmly left the room and went to retrieve Bingley. When we returned and Bingley recovered from the initial shock, they both started ranting about how I had to marry her. I am afraid I did not react well.”
“How does one react well in such a situation? Mr. Bingley did not support you?” Elizabeth asked incredulously.
Darcy shook his head. “No. I had never seen him express himself so forcefully. He was very emphatic. Much like your father, he espoused everything I find abhorrent in marriages of convenience. She would produce an heir, set a fine table, and leave me alone for most of the time. He carried on until I finally lost my temper. He then scurried away like a beaten cur, whimpering something about not being with Jane until he got rid of Caroline.”
Darcy’s clenched jaw and pursed lips showed his anger, but in his eyes, those deep blue pools of pure emotion, Elizabeth saw how much he hurt. The mysterious connection she felt to him was illuminated with the realization of their shared grief.
“You were to be the sacrificial lamb as well.”
“So it would seem. He has written to me twice since I have been back in London. Both letters were full of remorse and explained his actions. Miss Bingley has always been petty and manipulative, but during our stay in Hertfordshire, her actions took on a meanness that seemed extreme even for her. Apparently, she felt threatened by you and your sister.”
Elizabeth was surprised by this at first, but remembering Miss Bingley’s attitude toward her, it made sense. “So they both were acting out of desperation. Do you believe Mr. Bingley knew what his sister had planned?”