by L. C. Morgan
It wasn’t until late that evening when Alyssa stopped talking about reconnecting with high school sweethearts and passed out on my couch that I had the opportunity to sneak out of the house. Sitting on my porch swing, I repeated the ritual before opening the stained envelope.
Hailey,
If you’re having the same type of weather we’ve been having out here, I hope you’re staying warm and dry. The rain hasn’t stopped and there’s little cover on the boat. I’ve been soaked through nearly every day for the past two weeks, but I barely notice the cold anymore. I’m used to it. Used to not having time to dwell on it. Dwelling is what I do on my break. And it’s never about how cold or wet or tired I am. Lately, I’ve been thinking how you said you’d made a mistake with your life and the reasoning made me want to tell you why I felt I made one with mine.
My stomach dropped out the bottom of the swing.
I was sixteen when I dropped out of school, left my mom’s house, and started sleeping on random boats down by the docks. One morning, the captain of one of the boats my dad used to work on found me, gave me a job that paid under the table until I turned eighteen and could make it legal. I’m eternally grateful to him. Always will be even though the job sucks because it’s a job. It puts food in my stomach and a roof over my head. I’m not telling you all this so you’ll feel sorry for me. I’m telling you because it doesn’t matter how good a teacher you are. If a kid doesn’t want to try, you can’t make him. No teacher good or bad could have stopped me from failing. When it came down to it, they couldn’t keep me from quitting. And it wasn’t because they weren’t capable of making a difference. I didn’t give them the chance to. And to tell you the truth, even if I had a teacher half as caring or good-looking as you, I wouldn’t have given her the chance either. I was just that stupid.
Leaning forward in my seat, I bit my thumbnail. How terrible was it that he was baring part of his soul to me through a serious look at his past and all I could focus on was the fact he called me good-looking? I fanned myself with the letter until my neck started to cool and I could finish reading.
I don’t know if that helped or not. Probably not. Reading over it now, it could go either way. Just know I meant it to be encouraging. You should still be nice. Who knows, maybe someday you’ll find a kid that’s not as stupid as I was. You’ll try to make the difference you want to make and hopefully he’ll let you, like I should have. Just promise me you won’t go around blaming yourself for another person’s mistakes. Believe me when I say it’s no way to live. And you deserve better than that.
Coll
Clutching the letter with both hands, I stared out in front of me, seeing nothing but the uncertain futures of the kids in my class. There was a very real possibility some of them could end up like Coll. Stuck in a job they hated. Living a life they didn’t want. That was what I got from this. Not that he was necessarily unhappy, but most definitely unsatisfied. If there was such a difference. And it was all his own fault. I didn’t want that for any of my students. I didn’t want it for myself. And I especially didn’t want it for Coll. He deserved better than that, too.
*
“Jesus, Hailey. Perk up, would ya? We watched that movie like a week ago. It’s time you got over it already.”
Stirring the spaghetti noodles, Alyssa chastised me underneath her breath. I let her continue believing the reason for my sour mood was some movie we watched a week ago. It was easier than explaining what was really going on in my head.
A third letter had arrived a day ago but I still hadn’t read it. It was the same afternoon Sonia showed up on my doorstep crying her eyes out over Jason and how she wasn’t sure if she could trust him. The time apart had never bothered her before but the idea of marrying a man who was barely there set something off and she hadn’t been able to sleep since.
Alyssa took my cue and stayed quiet through dinner. She even cleaned up before taking off and leaving me alone for the night. I eyed the pile of mail before going to bed, but couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned into the early hours of the morning until I got up, grabbed a blanket and the letter, and headed out to the porch, hoping I wouldn’t catch pneumonia while reading it from my porch swing.
Hailey,
The stars out in the middle of the ocean are so bright I don’t even need a light to write this. I wish you could see it.
Peeking up at the clouds overhead, I wished I could, too.
The mornings seem to come earlier and earlier. The sun is slowly rising now to keep me company while I sit here and think of what else to write about. Probably best to keep it light this time. Believe it or not, it wasn’t my goal to try and scare you off. But I kind of get the feeling I did. Maybe just a little bit. Maybe for just a while. But I still did, didn’t I?
Not exactly. What Sonia and I had talked about bothered me more than anything.
Anyway, if you’re still reading I’m moving on to something light. So, here we go. Let’s see, my favorite color is green. My favorite food is pizza. I’m more of a Pepsi than Coke man, which could pose as a bit of a problem.
Yes, now that was a real problem.
I can’t really think of anything else with you putting me on the spot like this.
I smiled. Of course he would blame me.
I could keep boring you with knowledge of seafloor depths and the trouble with ghost pots, but I won’t. I doubt you want to know how even after just a few days, the catch starts smelling better than the men. I don’t need to tell you that you smell better, but you do and so does your food. Damn, I miss your cooking. I miss your cookies. I miss missing you when you drop them off.
A smudge of blue ink ended the letter before he signed off with his name. It felt like a strange place to end.
He missed my cooking. He missed my cookies. He missed missing me when I dropped them off for him. Then nothing but a smudge.
Maybe he had been out to sea too long. Maybe he was sleep deprived. His brain was probably as overworked and numbed as his hands from the cold, wet weather. At this hour, mine felt a little foggy as well. It kept thinking maybe he started to write “I miss you” but changed his mind. If that were the case, I really wished he hadn’t because I missed him, too.
*
Turned out Sonia was right when she had said the last week was the hardest. I found it difficult to concentrate, almost impossible to eat—which wasn’t the worst thing. It got to the point where I was so anxious I finally did what I’d been meaning to do since moving here. I started running.
Mostly I jogged up and down the steps to the beach. If I was feeling particularly energetic, I’d do a few laps in the sand. It felt good getting back into shape. Not only did it kill time, it made me feel better, too. Until the day I got back from a particularly long run to find my neighbor’s truck parked in the driveway a day early and him sitting on my front porch swing. At that moment, I would have done anything for a mirror and an extra ten minutes of cool-down time.
Doing my best to tuck back the flyaways, I started up my steps. “Do I know you?” I asked, part in jest and part for the thick mange of hair that had taken over his face. It made him look older, wiser. I would have liked it if it weren’t for the fact that it hid his smile.
Scratching his scruffy jaw, he squinted up at me and I could kind of see it then. “Yeah. I would have shaved, but that would have led to my bathroom, which would have led to a shower, then my bed, and you wouldn’t see me again ‘til”—he looked down at his imaginary watch—“the first sign of spring.”
“So I do know you.” I kept up the charade, leaning against the house with my arms behind my back.
He shrugged. “Depends on what you mean by know.”
It depended, indeed. From what I’d learned from others and what little he’d told me himself, I didn’t know him very well at all. Not the way I wanted to. So why was it I felt like I did?
Our verbal dance was put on hold when a car I didn’t recognize came barreling down the driveway, blaring its horn. Re
sting his forearms on his knees, Coll sure seemed to know who it was though. I realized why when they pulled up and a leggy blonde climbed out of the car.
Chapter Ten
The wind blew the blonde’s hair like she was in some sort of shampoo commercial.
“A friend of yours?” I asked instead of running inside and hiding like I wanted. I was sweaty and gross and feeling pretty confident I looked it.
“Not exactly,” Coll said and stood, making his way to the edge of the porch where he planted a wide stance on the top step.
“I heard you got back a little early. You have a good trip?” the blonde asked.
Crossing his arms over his chest, Coll nodded down at the porch. “It was fine. There a reason you’re here?”
“Yeah, actually. Your mom wants you to come to dinner.”
“When?”
“Tonight.”
Coll looked off to the side, seemingly interested in everything but her, which made me immensely happy.
“Tonight’s no good,” he said, and she laughed.
“Yeah well, tonight it’s gonna have to be because you’ve turned her down the last three times. So shower, shave, and be there by five. You can even bring your little friend if it’ll make it easier.” She nudged her chin toward me. “It’s the more the merrier when it comes to your mom. You know that.” Without waiting for an answer, she climbed back into her car and drove off, turning up a cloud of dust in her place.
Dropping his arms, Coll slightly turned his torso to face me but kept his eye on the tree line. “Guess that solves it then.”
“Solves what?”
“What we’re doing tonight.”
I looked at him in surprise. “We were going to do something tonight?”
“Yeah. Unless you don’t want to.”
“I didn’t say that. I just don’t want to intrude.”
He smiled at the ground. “Didn’t you hear? The more the merrier with my mom. She’d be ecstatic if you came.”
“Okay then.” I pointed a thumb over my shoulder. “I just gotta take a shower first. Meet you back out here in an hour?”
He nodded. “Yeah, that’d be fine.”
“Okay then. See you in an hour.”
Without a look back, he took off down the steps. I pushed off the house and hurried inside, doing my best not to scream while ignoring my reflection in every mirror I passed. I took the quickest shower of my life, only slowing down long enough to cautiously shave the area around my ankles. I dried my hair and curled the ends, same as I always did. The trouble was what to wear. It was too cold for a dress. Slacks were too dressy. From the looks of the blonde, it was safe to go with jeans and Amber’s pink sweater. It was simple and casual and super cute when paired with some pleather ankle boots.
No matter how much I tried to ignore it, there was something that kept bugging me about this girl. I wanted to know who she was, but didn’t necessarily want to ask, afraid it would come off as self-conscious and jealous. I didn’t want to be that girl, especially if there was no reason. She still could have been family. A cousin, a sister-in-law, an any-number-of-things. But it sure didn’t feel that way. To me it felt like she was the one thing I really wished she wasn’t.
By the time I was done getting ready, I had fifteen minutes left before I had to meet Coll. Having been taught never to show up empty handed, I preheated the oven and popped in a sheet of cookies for a store-bought dessert, which was better than nothing. My mother would be so proud.
I couldn’t ignore the feeling in my stomach now that I was ready and waiting on the timer to ding. It was tight and uncomfortable, the way I would have imagined meeting any guy’s mother would make it feel. Out of all the guys I’d dated, I’d never been taken home to meet the family, so I really wouldn’t know. Maybe it was just because it was so sudden and I wasn’t expecting it. Coll and I weren’t even dating. Were we?
The cookies had just finished when there was a knock on the door. I quickly piled them onto a plate and wrapped them up before heading outside to find my neighbor freshly showered and clean-shaven.
“Well, lookie there. I do know you.”
Rubbing his chin with his thumb and forefinger, he smirked. I had to fight the urge to feel for myself while my eyes traveled over his snug white thermal.
Like a gentleman, he took the plate from my hands, and I followed him to his truck. The door squeaked when I opened it, and I had a flashback to that night he didn’t come home alone. I shook it off before climbing into the cab beside him.
“Sorry ‘bout the mess.”
Aside from the thin layer of dirt under my feet, there was no mess I could see.
“Oh, this is nothing. You should see my car.” It was filled with empty, snack-size Dorito bags and crumpled up receipts. The dirt covering my floorboard couldn’t even be seen.
He shifted into reverse, stretching his arm out over the back of the seat so he could better turn and see. Once he shifted into drive, he stretched it back out, resting his hand directly behind me.
“Does your mom live very far?”
“Not too far. About ten minutes outside of town in the opposite direction as us. Maybe twenty minutes altogether.”
I nodded and looked out the window, relieved to have a little bit of time to collect myself.
“So, your trip was good, yeah? You missed the storm? Caught a lot of crabs?” I realized how it sounded as soon as I said it. His laugh was silent, and I smiled at his profile before looking back out the window.
“I’m not sure a trip is ever good. It’s somewhat enjoyable in the summer when the water’s calm. But other than that …” He shrugged.
“I’ve never been out on the ocean in a boat. A lake, but never the ocean. Sounds wonderful.”
“Can be. But the storms are actually worse in the summer. There’s more of them. More lightning.”
I’d never thought about the lightning. Big waves and ice cold rain, yeah. But I’d never considered the lightning before. Now that I had, there was a whole other thing I had to worry about while he was away.
“You ever been struck?”
“No.”
“You know anybody who has?”
I saw him nod out of the corner of my eye.
“They still alive?”
We stopped at a stop sign, and he slowly rolled through before answering. “No.”
I got the feeling I shouldn’t have asked seeing as the rest of the way was paved with heavy silence until we pulled into an unmarked driveway.
“Here we are.”
We drove down a ways under a bowing line of naked branches when a small brick house with a green tin roof came into view.
“This is where you grew up?”
“Yep.”
And with all those boys. His poor mother. I imagined them all running around the open field that surrounded the house. Out and about at all hours. Playing cops and robbers during the day. Catching fireflies by night. Or whatever it was little boys did. It was such a small house. The size of the land surrounding it was probably her only saving grace.
The door swung open as soon as we parked, and a short little woman came running out to meet us. Her long brown hair was pulled back into a braid, a few gray hairs streaking the sides. Wearing a shawl and a big smile, she pulled Coll into a hug.
“I knew if anybody could get you to come it would be Tara. She said you were bringing a friend. But I assumed it was one of the guys. This is a nice surprise.” Pulling away, she patted his chest as she looked at me. “I’m Cris, Collin’s mom. And you are just gorgeous. Isn’t she just gorgeous, Collin?”
Scratching his brow, Coll smiled, and his mom sighed.
“And she bakes.” She reached for the plate of cookies then gestured for us to follow. “The boys are going to love these. They won’t last a minute. Just you watch. They’re all here tonight. All my boys under one roof. Can you believe it?”
I couldn’t, actually.
We rounded the corner and my eyes wen
t wide to take in all the people standing around the kitchen. I shared a small smile with a familiar face.
“Hey guys, this is … Oh God.” She turned back to face me. “I didn’t even ask your name.”
“Hailey,” Russell answered for me.
Cris looked from him to me then down at the plate in her hands before setting it down on the counter. “Okay so, guys, this is Hailey. Your brother’s friend.” They all simultaneously oohed. “Behave yourselves. I mean it.”
Coll placed his hand on my back, encouraging me to move farther into the kitchen where everyone individually introduced themselves, their wives, and their kids. Each of Coll’s brothers—Quin, Kyle, and Camren—looked like him with their dark hair, dark eyes, and matching families. The youngest, Cade, favored Russell with his light hair and pale blue eyes.
Even Russell’s grandma was there.
“Oh, it’s the one who likes my pie. Come here, sugar, and give me some sugar,” she said, shuffling over to give me a hug. The kitchen filled with soft chuckles, and I looked up and gave Russell a small smile before she let go and demanded we all eat.
Abiding, we each filled a plate and found a seat on whatever piece of furniture we could. I planted myself as close as I could next to Coll on the couch and picked at the food on my plate, listening in on the surrounding conversation, trying to figure out who and where Tara was. I nearly choked when she came down from upstairs.
“He’s finally asleep, so I’m gonna hit the road.”
“Oh, good. Just let me grab your check,” Cris said, getting up from her seat to dig around in her purse. “Oh, and, Tara, honey, I want you to eat something before you go. Taking care of that man can really take it out of you.”
“Stubborn ass is what he is,” Grandma said under her breath.
“Ma …” Cris chastised her.
Tara shook her head as she took the check. “Thanks, but I’m really not that hungry.” She looked at me as she said it. I looked over at Coll, who was looking down at his plate.