Rich S.O.B.: A Romantic Comedy

by Bijou Hunter

  “I want you to talk to my mom again,” I say, and Asher tenses next to me.

  “Sure. When?”

  “Next time you’re over, we can knock on her door and scare her again. I’m hoping after enough visits that she’ll let you inside. My hope is to have Thanksgiving at her place.”

  “That gives you six months, which seems like plenty of time.”

  “You’d think, but I’m uncomfortable with making my mother uncomfortable.”

  “We’ll figure it out.”

  “Remember that positive thinking when your family comes over for dinner.”

  Asher’s smile disappears instantly. I decide this moment is a good one to apply positive experiences to my fear of heights.

  “Few people look as gorgeous as you when they’re frowning,” I say, turning in his embrace and kissing him.

  Pressing Asher back on the hard floor, I straddle his hips and smile down at him. “We’ll take everything step by step. No sudden changes. All happy endings.”

  Asher might be gorgeous when he frowns, but my words put the best smile on his handsome face.

  ‧:❉:‧ ♂ ♀ ‧:❉:‧

  ❁ Asher ❁

  Junie spends half of the week at the guest apartment she’s decorated with Mallory. The living room design is almost entirely imagined for me. A Mesa throw blanket on the gray couch and colorful abstract print over the bed are the main Junie flairs. I feel guilty that she gives up so much of herself to make me comfortable until I realize the second bedroom is a replica of her living room.

  “Oh, I moved in basically while you were in a meeting,” Junie says, shutting the red room. “Are you mad?”

  “That you moved closer to me?” I ask, wrapping her into my arms and shuffling us to the bedroom. “Are you planning to stay here permanently or will you still live in the apartment?”

  Junie’s ass bounces on the mattress and smiles brightly. “I’m moved in except for what doesn’t fit in here. Oh, so beware my colorful dishes in the kitchen.”

  Caressing her jaw, I study her warm eyes. “One day, I plan to ask you to marry me.”

  Junie reaches down and yanks the ties on her skates so she can slip out of them. Once she crawls onto the bed and pats the spot next to her, she gives me a coy, little smile.

  “And one day, I’ll say yes,” she says and wraps her arms around me as I join her. “No rush. I don’t need a ring or piece of paper to tell me I’m happy.”

  Kissing her, I roll her onto her back and pin her against the mattress. “I need to send Garrett a thank you gift. If he hadn’t ditched me, I never would have gone to the Flamingo Exit Diner and seen you.”

  “I’ll shop for something tomorrow. Now let’s stop talking about nerds while I’m trying to get worked up here.”

  Laughing easily, I’m especially aroused by the thought of her moving into the apartment a floor from me. Every night she isn’t with me, I can’t sleep. I wonder if I’ll ever find a way to relax without Junie nearby. She talks about traveling with Mallory, and I know I couldn’t go so long without her. I suspect I might want to buy a private jet to make all those trips less stressful. That’s a question for another day during a session with Disher and not when I have Junie’s legs wrapped around my hips.

  CH 26

  ❁ Junie❁

  Asher isn’t ready to have his parents and brother over for dinner at the penthouse, so I schedule for them to visit our love nest. Since Mallory and I finished decorating it, I’ve been looking for a reason to have people over. Now I’m hosting a dinner with the not quite in-laws, complete with a meal cooked by a chef I’d insulted in the past.

  “Dinner smells great,” I say when he reveals the roast and fancy potatoes.

  Having been slighted so often by me, he looks overwhelmed at the slightest praise.

  “I kept it simple as you requested.”

  “Simple but perfect.”

  Chef Rodrigo beams from my compliments. I think he was so accustomed to having his ass kissed that my criticisms must have beaten his ego to a pulp. I’ve noticed this reaction a lot from successful people. I didn’t grow up overly praised, so criticism doesn’t faze me in the way it does to precious snowflakes like Rodrigo here.

  Mallory joins me near the kitchen and snorts. “Asher has stolen your spine.”

  “No, I’m polite to everyone who does what I want.”

  “Sure, you are. What about Alana?”

  Thinking of our former high school mate turned crappy waitress, I shrug. “I treat her well. Even left a buck tip once.”

  “You were too nice in that circumstance.”

  “I expect you to behave during dinner. Asher isn’t thrilled about his family meeting us, so I want to make the best impression,” I say and then add in a quieter voice, “If things go sideways, though, be ready to help me start trouble.”

  Mallory gives me a knowing smile, and I wonder about the pineapple I have stashed in the fridge.

  Appearing from his office, Asher wears a long sleeve gray cashmere shirt that’s so soft I can’t keep my hands off him.

  “My parents might take issue with you molesting me in front of them.”

  I smile up at him while my hands struggle to leave his fine body. “I know they’re your parents, and you love them and want their approval. With that said, they’re not my parents, and I really don’t care if they approve of me. I’m sorry, but only two people matter enough for me to worry about their opinion. Well, three, I guess since sometimes my mom can play puppet master with my head. Anyway, I’ll try to behave for your benefit. Just don’t get your hopes up on how behaved I’ll be.”

  “I’m one of the two, right?” Asher whispers into my ear.

  “Most definitely, Ferrer.”

  “Good to hear, Voss.”

  “Dinner looks wonderful, and the apartment is pristine. Everything is in order, so sit back and enjoy the evening.”

  “Are you telling me that you’re in charge?”

  “Yep. Just like at the Farmer’s Market. I’ll protect you while your only responsibility is to sit back and look sexy.”

  “I can do that.”

  I’m fully wrapped in Asher’s arms until Mallory nudges me. “Is the chef and Egor staying for dinner?”

  “Egor is staying while Rodrigo is leaving. We’ll serve dinner like normal people.”

  “Good.”

  Mallory walks into the kitchen where she likely tells the chef to get packing. She’s not keen on having Asher’s semi-estranged family visiting. She gets nearly as protective of him as I do. Though I think we’re both pretenders compared to Egor.

  “He loves you,” I tease Asher.

  “He has no family in the US and little family back in Brazil. I’ve taken up so much of his time during the last few years that I suspect he has less than a handful of friends and most of them are more like acquaintances.”

  “Egor’s life revolves around yours. Now that yours is happier, maybe he will copy you by finding a nice woman, or more likely, man to love.”

  “He’s not gay.”

  “Are you certain? I’m sensing something.”

  “You’re sensing wrong. I’ve seen his type, and they come with the same sexy parts as you do.”

  “Well, that’s good to know.”

  “Please don’t set him up with someone.”

  Giggling, I pat his chest. “Of course not. You know I’m not social-able enough to play matchmaker.”

  “And I’m grateful every day for that fact.”

  I rest my head on his chest and listen to his steady heartbeat. Mallory shoos the chef out of the apartment and Egor announces Asher’s family is on their way up. Just like that, his heart speeds up. The pounding in my ear makes me especially protective of Asher. He might be a rich bastard with power and money, but like most people, he devolves into a kid once his parents are thrown into the equation.

  ‧:❉:‧ ♂ ♀ ‧:❉:‧

  ❁ Asher ❁

  My parents still hol
d hands. I don’t know why this fact surprises me, but I take notice when they enter the apartment. Dad looks tired, and his nose is burned from spending too much time outside. Mom looks elegant even in a simple blue dress that matches Dad’s polo shirt and Alistair’s bruised eye. My brother smiles at me and gestures approvingly toward Junie. It takes all my self-control not to slap him.

  “Junie, this is my father, Frank, and mom, Ellen. That’s Alistair.”

  “Hello, everyone. This is my best friend, Mallory, and I assume you know Egor.”

  A lot of head nodding and hand shaking later; we sit down at the dining room table because the food is ready and Mallory states she’s too hungry to wait.

  Mom and Dad sit at one end while I take a spot away from them. Mallory hovers near the kitchen, so Egor won’t try to help.

  “We’re in charge today, so sit your skinny ass down,” she whispers very loudly to my assistant who finally takes a chair in the middle of the table.

  Alistair keeps smiling at me until I’m forced to smile back. “Hey, I’ve meant to talk to you about a business opportunity.”

  “No thank you,” Junie interrupts from the kitchen. “We’re saving for our honeymoon, so money is tight. Maybe you can go on that Shark Tank show and see if they’ll invest in your idea.”

  “I was talking to my brother.”

  “So?” she says, carrying a platter of meat to the table. “Now you’re talking to me, and I’m saying there’s no money for you.”

  Alistair looks to me, but I refuse to react. If I speak, I fear I’ll say something I can’t take back.

  “Asher,” my brother whines, “I don’t want to be a killjoy, but you might need to tell her to mind her own business. This is family shit, and she’s not family.”

  Before Junie can reply—and she’s dying to reply—I stand and give my brother the attention he craves.

  “If you raise your voice to Junie again, I’ll kick you out of the tower. If you disrespect her again, I’ll kick you out of the tower. If you mention money during this visit, I’ll kick you out of the tower. I’m having a relaxing dinner whether you’re here or not.”

  “Asher…”

  “You heard your brother,” Dad says and scratches his dark beard. “His house, his rules. Now, what’s for dinner?”

  Alistair looks to our mother. I wait for her to take his side as usual. She exhales slowly and then focuses on Junie. “What are your plans for your honeymoon? Frank and I went to Niagara Falls and then skiing in Whistler, Canada.”

  Junie doesn’t answer immediately. First, she glances back at Mallory bouncing a pineapple nearby. Once she calls off the attack, Junie smiles at Mom.

  “We’re thinking somewhere in Asia, but that leaves a lot of options.”

  I sit down in my chair while Alistair sulks. Junie sets the food in front of my mother and Mallory appears with a few side platters.

  “Dinner looks great.”

  “Chef Rodrigo put a lot of effort, so I’ll pass along your compliments.”

  “You didn’t cook?” Frank asks.

  “No, why would I?”

  I can’t help laughing at how shocked Junie looks at his question. She really doesn’t care about impressing them. I don’t know if I’ll ever find a way to live as effortlessly as Junie, but I enjoy a meal with my family for the first time in years.

  CH 27

  ❁ Asher ❁

  Disher is five minutes late to our session, leaving Junie to look over the books on his shelves. She’s convinced they’re fake and pulls out several before deciding they’re not simply for show. I watch her expression shift into disappointment.

  “He really is this big of a nerd,” she says, sitting in her chair.

  “Told you.”

  “That you did.”

  Entering the room, Disher apologizes profusely as he sits down.

  Junie glances around the office. “Don’t you worry your patients will steal from you or tear up your place when you leave them alone in here?”

  “No,” Disher says. “None of my patients behave that way.”

  “Are you sure?” I ask. “Junie was messing with your books during our wait.”

  “Thanks a lot, snitch,” she cries before bursting into laughter.

  Disher sighs loudly. “I have a security camera if you must know.”

  “We must.”

  “Let’s discuss how you two are doing.”

  “We went hiking,” Junie announces.

  “And I didn’t completely hate it.”

  “That’s true. While he hated seventy percent of it, for that thirty percent of the time, he was the life of the party.”

  Grinning, I reach over to rub her sunburned shoulder. “Mallory came along and took the heat off me by complaining endlessly.”

  “Turns out, my bestie does not like hiking.”

  “She hadn’t realized hiking is another word for walking.”

  “On an incline too.”

  “Does Mallory spend a lot of time with you?”

  “Yes. Is that a problem?”

  Sensing Junie’s defensiveness might derail the session, I say, “Mallory joining us means I don’t have to be front and center on our outings. If I need to hold back or need to stay in my headspace to deal with noise or a crowd, Junie can still have fun. Mallory’s presence doesn’t hold us back but allows us both to find our comfort zones.”

  I use terms I know Disher likes and he smiles approvingly just as I expected.

  “Yeah, Mallory is great,” Junie says, still sensitive about any perceived criticism about her friend.

  “How do you feel about living at Dietrich Tower?” Disher asks after jotting down something in our file. “Do you miss your home on the west side?”

  “Every day, I miss my apartment and neighborhood.”

  I’m surprised by her answer because Junie never showed any signs of unhappiness over the move.

  “Mallory visits a lot, and I visit my old place. When she’s downtown with me, we look for new hangouts like I had in my neighborhood. We found a sandwich place and a quirky coffee shop. Several stores give me grief about my skates. They don’t kick me out, but they throw attitude my way.”

  “You don’t feel welcome in your new home. Does that create doubts in you about the move?”

  “I miss my home so much, but I can’t go back. When I’m skating downtown and feeling out of place, I can see the tower, and I know Asher’s inside. He’s my home, and I can’t leave him, so I’ll have to make downtown feel familiar in the way the west side did. It’s the only way I can be happy because when I’m away from Asher, my chest hurts and I panic like he does when he’s in a crowd.”

  Studying Junie, I shouldn’t smile at how much she needs me. Her pain is mine, but I smile anyway.

  I’ve been obsessed with Junie since I first laid eyes on her. The real woman behind Roller Girl turned out more amazing than I could have dreamt up. I’ll be forever grateful for the fact that her heart refused to give up on me even when she swore she was done. The rest of my life will be spent proving I was worth another chance.

  Epilogue

  ❁Junie❁

  A year from the day I smashed a coffee pot against a robber’s head, Asher and I marry at the courthouse. Fortunately, I’m not on my period when I sign the paperwork and say a quick, “yeah, sure” to the registrar’s questions. Asher is so chill at my side that I worry he took too many anti-anxiety pills for our trip.

  A few hours later, we head to the airport to begin our trek to Chile. Once in Santiago, Asher remains in our hotel room as much as possible while Mallory and I force Egor to actively participate in fun activities.

  “You got sunburned,” Asher says one evening while we sit on our hotel balcony.

  “You have to admit the view is nice here.”

  Glancing out at the Santiago city view, he shrugs. “Not as nice as the one at home.”

  Asher never enjoys our trips half as much as I do, but he always comes along because h
e knows how much I love them. Well, that and he can’t sleep without me nearby. Besides, as long as Mallory joins us, he knows I won’t expect him to go sightseeing.

  “I can see everything I want from the hotel,” he always says.

  Twice a year, I torture him with a getaway. Otherwise, our adventures remain closer to home. Nearly six months after I moved into the guest apartment, I upgrade to Asher’s penthouse. So many moves in such a brief period ought to leave me edgy, but I guess I’ve matured. Asher’s penthouse no longer freaks me out, although I avoid standing too close to the windows when wearing my skates. The one exception is during my naked skates for his entertainment.

  The only changes to the penthouse for my benefit are a few colorful pillows and a Southwestern-style rug in the living room along with a painting I bought at the Farmer’s Market that we hang in the family room. Oh, and I turn the den into a reproduction of my old apartment, which is where Couch Potato spends most of his time.

  Even practicing with my cat, kids don’t seem like a viable part of our future. I’m not all that interested in pregnancy or childbirth. Asher couldn’t deal with a baby crying, pooping, and spitting up everywhere. I’m told babies do more than those three things, but I’ve never seen proof. A baby and concrete floors do not make a solid match. No kids are in our horizon.

  Until Asher insists I quit my job, so he won’t worry about men sniffing around me. I should put up a bigger fight in the name of women’s independence and so forth, but I’m bored at IT Zen anyway. Without work, I’m lonely all day alone while Asher writes code in his office. I insist he hires Mallory to help me run his charity. Mallory soon moves into the guest apartment, so I have someone to hang out with when Asher’s working.

  After we move out, my mom initially sulks. Even though we still bring food to her each week and pick up fruit and vegetables from the Farmer’s Market. Nothing can soothe her unhappiness. Well, that is until we find new renters who are closer to Mom’s age. Suddenly, she’s sociable—in the safety of her home—and enjoys the friends her life’s been missing. I’m even forced to check her schedule before planning our monthly dinners at her place.