Poison Me Sweetly (Long Beach Series Book 1)

by Dani Matthews

  I know what he's remembering. He'd played my body like a violin in that damn recliner. I'd been helpless until he'd opened his mouth and made it clear I was just a screw. It's alarming to know that I don't want to be just another quick lay, but yet I refuse to be anything more to anyone. Talk about fucked up.

  His head turns to meet my gaze, shame evident in his eyes. “You made it clear you weren't going to sleep with me. I knew that and I still... I was wrong with what I did.” The sincerity in his voice has me momentarily speechless as his eyes burn into mine. I can see he really means it. He continues, “You told me no, and I ignored it. Fuck,” he says under his breath, a tick starting in his jaw. “That's a word you don't ignore. I'm so sorry, Zoey.”

  The last thing I expected was to find out that Caleb’s beating himself up over his own actions that night. The expression on his face tells me just how remorseful he is, and the shame is still etched across his features. “I could have smacked you anytime I wanted,” I offer.

  He blinks with confusion. “Come again?”

  I can't believe I am doing this. “You weren't exactly holding me down,” I mutter. Well, he had been for about a second, but that doesn't exactly count in my book.

  “Maybe not, but it still wasn't right. I know what you're like in my arms, and I knew I could get you off. Your body is just so damn responsive. It didn't matter to me at that point that you didn't really want it, at least not with me that night and not there of all places. I was an ass.”

  “It's nice to know that you acknowledge it shouldn't have happened,” I say slowly as I try to navigate this increasingly weird conversation. “As long as we're being honest here, I should admit that hitting you was wrong.”

  “Are you kidding me? You threatened my ass in that recliner, and I still came after you. Dumbass move on my part. I deserved that right hook you gave me,” he says with a shake of his head.

  “I'm apologizing here and you're brushing it off,” I muse.

  He turns his head, his blue eyes connecting with mine. “I've never had a girl hit me before. This is probably the wrong time to say this, but damn if it didn't turn me on. I like a girl that can take care of herself, and you are definitely someone not to tangle with.” He smiles at me crookedly. “You're downright mean sometimes, but I think I like it.”

  My mouth falls open before I manage to snap it shut. “You're a glutton for punishment then. I'm not a nice person.”

  “Nice people don't try to sober others up. You were nice to me Friday night before I messed it all up. I think there's a lot of sides to you, Zoey. You just show the sides you want people to see and hide the rest. Not sure why, but that's your deal.”

  I'm not sure what to say, so I stay silent.

  “I have class here in a few. I was hoping that maybe we could try to start over,” he says as he studies me. “Ace told me about your deal with them, and how you guys are friends but not friends. ‘Non-friends’, I think is the word he used. I'd like to be your non-friend, Zoey. A strictly platonic non-friendship. Can we try that?”

  This conversation has taken a turn that I wasn't expecting, and I can't afford to have any more supposed non-friends. Every time I screw up with one of the guys, it hurts more and more. Add Caleb to the mix and things are bound to get messy.

  Caleb clears his throat awkwardly, assuming my silence is my answer. “No, it is. I get it.”

  I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and frown at him. “Have the guys told you just how messed up I really am?”

  “They’re kind of tight lipped about you. I think they tell me only what they feel would benefit me at the time. You've got your shit, everyone does. I just want to be able to hang with you and the group, not have it be awkward, you know? Up to you, though.”

  He has a point. If we can't get along that leaves us both in a shit spot when it comes to the group. “Okay,” I agree. “We'll find a way to get along. Non-friends,” I say with a wry smile.

  The smile that flickers over his lips has his blue eyes brightening. “I won't fuck it up.”

  “No, I'll be the one to fuck it up,” I correct, because that’s what I do. I mess things up.

  He picks up his backpack and smirks. “I'm sure I'll forgive you. Later,” he says before he lithely rises to his feet and ambles away.

  My eyes can't help but drop to his ass as he walks off. My teeth sink into my lower lip, and once he's out of sight, I sigh loudly. Platonic is going to be a real bitch. I've been battling my attraction to him since I woke up with him handcuffed to my bed.

  I'm distracted when my phone vibrates in my back pocket. I pull it out and look at the new text message. It's from an unknown number. Do non-friends swap texts? A chuckle escapes me before I clear the screen and slip the phone in my backpack. I'll let my non-reply be my answer.

  ~*~

  Tuesday night I cave. I can't handle Ace's silence any longer. When I'd seen him on campus earlier that day with the group, he'd been friendly with the others, but he hadn't said anything to me. It hurt, and it shouldn't.

  I can hear their television next door, so I know one of them is home. After chewing on my bottom lip for a while, debating how to go about apologizing, I decide to do it in the only way I know how.

  I order pizza.

  Two large pizzas are on their way to be delivered to their apartment. I know, it's kinda lame. But I'm not the type of person that can just walk up to someone they've wronged and just be like, “Hey, I'm sorry.” I know I blurted out the bitch remark to Ashley the other day, but that's different. She's not someone I see on a daily basis, and we've hardly spoken since high school. Ace matters.

  With a soft sigh, I flop down on my couch and stare up at the ceiling.

  This is my life.

  It's messed up. I'm messed up. I'll lash out at someone—someone I care for—just to hurt them first before they can hurt me or abandon me. I cling to my loneliness like it's a damn security blanket. Who the fuck wants to be alone? No one, really. But me... I need it. I need that distance from others. I need to protect myself. If someone ever abandoned me again or God forbid died, I think I'd break permanently.

  Hell, I'm already halfway there. I doubt it'd take much to send me over the edge. A groan escapes me and I fling an arm over my eyes. My thoughts are leading to dangerous territory, and I can't seem to stop them. It's like they have a will of their own tonight.

  A little voice inside my head is telling me I shouldn't have sent the pizza over as a peace offering. I would be a lot better off without Ace and the guys. They'll hurt me somehow. It's inevitable. Or I'll do something so stupid that they'll never forgive me. They'll turn their backs on me someday, I just know it. And why do they stick around anyway? It's not like I give them anything of myself. Not really. They're fun, but I don't let them in. No one's allowed in. Not anymore.

  A knock on my apartment door startles me out of my miserable musings. It's either Jeremy stopping by to thank me for the pizza, or it's the pizza guy dropping off the pizza that Ace rejected. I force myself to my feet, and when I open the door, I find Ace.

  He gives me his usual lazy smile. “You helping us eat or what?”

  And just like that, we're okay. Relief slides through me and I nod. “Sure. If you want.”

  “We want,” he says simply as he bends down and hefts me over his shoulder.

  “Ace!” I exclaim as my world tilts upside down while I hang over his shoulder. He pats me affectionately on my ass before shutting my door and sauntering down the hall to his apartment. When the door opens, I hear the blaring TV and the scent of pizza assaults me.

  Jeremy snorts. “What? She couldn't walk?”

  Ace sets me down, and I swipe my hair out of my face and freeze at the sight of the big ass flat screen TV on the wall in the living room. No wonder I could hear their TV from my place. They'd upgraded. Like seriously upgraded.

  “We're staying in tonight and watching a movie. You game?” Jeremy asks me. He’s sitting on one of the couches eating p
izza out of a box with no plate.

  “Sure.” I sit down next to Jeremy, then accept the beer from Ace when he pauses in front of me to hold it out. “You guys are usually out. Or you are,” I say to Ace. “I was surprised when I heard the TV from my apartment.”

  Ace shrugs and opens the other pizza box on the coffee table. “I have an exam on Friday, so I'm being a good boy this week and studying in my free time. Then I'm gettin' naughty Friday night,” he says wickedly, waggling his eyebrows.

  “I'm sure you will,” I say with amusement.

  Chapter Nine

  The next day, I work at Grendel's, and my mind stays pleasantly occupied. But the second I enter my silent apartment, my mood shifts.

  The darkness is coming.

  I can feel it.

  I try to brush it off and take a hot shower. The water is scalding, and I welcome the distraction. The slight hint of pain keeps the darkness at bay as I wash the grease and grime off my body. By the time I'm finished, my skin is flushed red, and I'm overtly warm.

  The mirror beckons to me, and I refuse to wipe the steam off its surface. I can't look at myself tonight. I know if I do, I'll end up looking at the tattoo... His name has been right there on the outer edges of my mind all day today.

  The darkness wants to take over. It wants to trigger one of my break-downs. It wants to butcher me with a thousand invisible knives.

  Shit, shit, shit.

  I don't want it.

  I've been battling it for a week now. If I let it take me over, I'll lose it for a while. I'll grow numb to my surroundings, and I'll be trapped by my own self-incriminating guilt and grief. I physically feel ill at the thought of what's waiting for me at the outer recesses of my mind. It's just waiting for me to open the gates so it can flood my mind and torture me.

  My feet are moving before I realize it. In my room, I yank on a pair of panties, the first pair of shorts I see, and a casual tank. I walk barefoot out of my apartment and down the hall to the guys'. I can hear the TV, and I know they are home. Or at least Ace is since he's cramming all week.

  I hesitate.

  What if the darkness comes while I'm with them? I need their distraction, but what if it still comes? If it does, I’ll lose it for a while, and when it’s over they'll suffocate me with their watchful gazes. They'll smother me with random texts and drop by my place with dumb excuses to see me so that they can check up on me.

  I draw in a deep breath and slowly exhale.

  Leave or stay.

  Which is it?

  My reddened hand reaches out and turns the knob. I step inside, and I'm immediately assailed by the sounds of gunfire. The guys are watching a movie.

  Ace looks up when he catches sight of me, and he stops the movie. “Hey, Z. Come on in.”

  It's then that I spy Caleb. All three guys are lounging on the navy blue couches, beer bottles scattering the coffee table, and they look like they're settling in for the night.

  Now I feel awkward as if I'm intruding. Which I am, basically.

  “What's up with your skin?” Ace walks over to me, his eyebrows furrowing as his eyes scan me from head to toe. I look down and see that my skin is still fiery red. He reaches out and touches a strand of my hair, a droplet of water drips onto the pad of his finger. His eyes lock on mine, and the knowing look in them has me cringing inside.

  I'd fled to their sanctuary without thinking and hadn't even bothered to dry my hair first. The fact that I'd let this little observation slip past me, tells me I'm worse off than I thought.

  His hand reaches out and cups the side of my flushed cheek. “You're warm.”

  “I smelled like grease, so I took a shower,” I say lamely. Dang it! This is the last place I should be.

  Jeremy is suddenly in front of me, his brown eyes scanning me up and down briefly before his expression suddenly shifts into a wide smile. “Come sit with me. I'd rather cuddle with your fine ass than Caleb's hairy one.”

  “The day I cuddle with you is the day my balls have shriveled up and died,” Caleb calls back from the couch.

  Jeremy literally picks me up, wrapping his strong arms around me. My arms slip around his neck as my legs automatically folding around his hips. His embrace has my chaotic thoughts calming, and I hug him tightly. Since he's sharing the big couch with Caleb, he plops down at the end and draws me closer, embracing me almost protectively. “You're all cuddly and warm,” he murmurs. His hand runs through my wet hair gently. “Couldn't wait to get your hands on me, could you?” he teases.

  A smile breaks across my lips, and I draw back to look at him. “Nah, I'm only here for the TV.”

  “Brat.” He puts his hands on my waist, then he plucks me off his lap and tosses me on the couch between him and Caleb. “Shut up then so we can finish the movie. You can pick the next one.”

  I tuck my bare legs beneath my body and relax into the soft cushions. “You guys are going to sit through The Notebook with me again?” I can't resist asking.

  “Hell, no. You just lost your turn,” Ace says as he reclines on the love seat and points the controller at the TV. “Be a good girl or I'm tossing you out.”

  ~*~

  Death can't have him. I won't let it take him.

  We're careening down the road, and Micah is oblivious to the battle going on next to him as he drives his car. The black vaporous thing is shrouding the entire front of the car, its skeletal fingers reaching through the vapor to take the wheel from Micah's capable hands.

  “NO!” I scream as I try to fight the swirling black mass. My hands reach through it, and I can't stop it. “Micah! Stop the car!” I beg. He ignores me as if he can't hear me. He drives through the night, eyes focused on the road.

  “No, no, no...” The turn is coming. “Take me,” I beg to death. It turns, and I see a dark face appear through the black mist. Red eyes glow at me. “Take me instead,” I whisper. “You can have me. I'll take his place.”

  The thing tilts its head almost quizzically at me.

  “Take me,” I repeat.

  Red eyes fade, and that skeletal hand hovers over the wheel as the car comes upon the deer. Everything is in slow motion as I live through the accident again. The quick jerk of the skeletal hand forcing Micah's hand to turn the wheel has his side of the car crushing on impact.

  I scream as the metal piece of the hood plunges into my brother's skull, and his blood splatters all over the car and me.

  Death laughs cruelly at me.

  I'm not hurt, and I lunge at the vapor. “I HATE YOU!” I scream with anguish and rage.

  “Zoey!”

  Death has grown solid. He pins my arms, and I fight to free myself. I need to make him suffer like he's made me suffer these past three years. Triumph is fleeting as my fists rein down on solid muscle. A second later, I'm firmly pinned down, and I scream out my fury.

  “Zoey! For God's sake, wake the fuck up!”

  I squirm and buck, wanting to unleash everything I feel at that skeletal vapor that took my brother from me.

  “Hey, Sparky. It's time to wake up.” The calm accented voice breaks into the haze that has fogged my mind, and my movements still.

  “You got through. Keep talking, bring her out of it.”

  “Time to join the real world again, Sparky. Open your eyes and look around.” It's Caleb.

  The nightmare slowly begins to recede, and I open my eyes. Caleb is hovering over me, his hands pinning my wrists above my head while his blue gaze back at me calmly. I blink and look around. I'm pressed flat onto the couch, because Caleb is sitting on me. Ace stands above him, peering at me worriedly while Jeremy sits near the couch, blood running down his chin from a split lip.

  Blood.

  I can still taste Micah's blood in the air. My stomach heaves, and I buck underneath Caleb, trying to get him off me. “I'm going be sick!” I say thickly as I feel the acid in my stomach thickening and churning. He releases me, and I take off for the bathroom as fast as my feet can carry me. I make it to the toil
et just in time, and everything I'd eaten from dinner spews out of my mouth as I violently vomit. I hear voices but ignore them as I continue to heave. Hands touch my back while someone holds my hair away from my face.

  I can still taste his blood.

  A sob escapes me as I shove away from the toilet. I wrap my arms around my drawn up knees as I huddle in a ball. I can't get the image out of my mind. All I see is his beautiful face broken by metal. The blood...

  Arms come around me, and I jerk away as if I've been burned.

  “Z, it's okay. Let me help.”

  “Go away!” I say tightly as my body begins to tremble.

  “Can't do that, sweetie. Let me in. Open your eyes, look at me.” Ace is touching me again, and I can't handle it. I don't want his comfort. I don't want anything from anyone. I shove at him with my feet, effectively pushing him away from me as my eyes open and glare at him.

  “What the hell is going on here?” Caleb demands. My eyes lift, and I see that both he and Jeremy are in the bathroom, hovering above me. His eyes are staring at me with troubled confusion.

  “I want you all to go away,” I say flatly as I drop my head back down to my knees, trying to hide from their prying eyes. I don't want them to see me like this. Ironically enough, I'm now desperate for the numbness. It's right there, ready to drown me in my sorrow. Its torturous embrace will save me from their suffocating presence.