I slowly exhale as it sinks in fully. He'll be okay. Ace is okay. I turn and hug Jeremy before Caleb draws me in his arms for a quick hug, as well. We all quietly celebrate the good news, and after about five minutes, I tell them I need to use the restroom, that I'll be right back. They all nod, and I walk away. The second I turn the corner and I'm out of sight, I lean against the wall, my shoulders caving in.
Tears burn my eyes and one escapes through my eyelashes and trickles down my cheek. I'm relieved that Ace is okay, but the night has taken its toll on me. Being in a hospital again...
I’m flooded with memories I’d rather forget, and it’s impossible to stop it from playing out in the head. I remember it all so clearly, as if it had just happened yesterday. I’ll never forget waking up alone in a curtained off area of the Emergency Room. Because of the head injury I’d sustained, I’d been confused when a nurse had entered the small room to check if I’d regained consciousness yet. I’d had no recollection of how I’d gotten there, and at that point, I hadn’t remembered the accident. The nurse had looked uncertain when I’d asked for my parents, and she’d awkwardly explained that my mom had some sort of breakdown and that my father was with her.
I hadn’t understood any of it until the nurse began to explain that I’d been in a car accident. I remember the exact moment I realized Micah was dead. The pain had been unbearable, and I’d begged for my parents. I’d wanted them to tell me that it was all just some sort of mistake. That Micah had survived somehow, that the nurse had the wrong information.
For hours the nurse kept telling me that my father would be in to see me shortly. Eventually, they moved me to a regular room, and I’d fallen asleep waiting for him. I hadn’t seen my father until the following morning, and my mom hadn’t been with.
When the three of us left the hospital later that day, my mom had barely spoken one word to me while my father kept looking worriedly at her. Once we arrived home, he’d taken my barely coherent mom to their room to get her settled, while I’d slowly walked with leaden feet to Micah’s room. I stared at his dirty jeans on the floor that he had yet to put in his overflowing hamper. His school books had still lain scattered across his dresser among his car magazines. And as I’d gazed upon his unmade bed, it had hit me like a sledgehammer to the gut that he’d never walk through the door to pick up after himself. He would never tease me again, or console me when I was upset, because a boy hurt my feelings. My protector, my twin, was now gone forever.
I’d dropped to my knees on the floor, sobbing brokenly as I begged God to bring him back to me. That I would do anything to have him home again. I’d had no one to help me with my grief as I wept on his floor. That’s the day I realized I was more alone than I could have ever imagined being. I hadn’t known how truly blessed I’d been for the past seventeen years until it had all been ripped away from me.
A man walking past brings me out of my brutal recollections.
I sniffle and straighten up, walking right past the restrooms. I escape out the front doors a moment later and make my way to my car. I drive home, mind fragile from the night’s events.
I'm just setting my keys on my dresser when my phone vibrates in my pocket. I reluctantly pull it out and look at the text message. It's from Caleb. We just need to know you're OK.
I chew my bottom lip for a moment before typing back, I'm fine. Just don't like hospitals. Tell Ace I am glad he's okay. My finger hovers over the send button as I stare at the screen for a long moment.
I'm not fine. Tonight scared me. I'm not as strong as I thought, and everything has changed.
Chapter Eleven
I'm gone by seven the next morning, because I don't want to be at my apartment today. Ace would be coming home, and I know he's going to want to see me. As much as I want to hug him and revel in his health, I can't.
Fear gnaws at my heels, and I flee Long Beach to escape it. I drive aimlessly for over an hour until I come across Big Rock Creek Road up in the San Gabriel Mountains. It’s not until I park my car in the huge lot that I begin to relax. I climb out and sit down on the Camaro's front hood as I gaze out at the beauty of the mountains. It's a breathtaking view, but I can't seem to get rid of the lump in my throat.
I almost lost Ace last night. I'd known for a while now that I've let him and the others get too close. I'd shrugged it off, but last night had been an eye-opening experience. If Ace had died, I would have been completely decimated.
I think I love the big asshole. But in a purely platonic way, of course. We already tried the whole sex thing, and that hadn't gone over real well. Not that it wasn't good, because it had been. But we'd both struggled for control, and it'd gotten to the point where we were too horny to continue the war we'd been battling. He'd finally fucked me against his bedroom wall where we both had a bit of control, rather than on his bed. The next morning we'd looked at each other, and I'd read his thoughts in his gaze. They were the same as mine. Never again. We're like oil and vinegar. Physically, we just aren't compatible.
His friendship has gotten me through the past year, but I think it's time we go our separate ways. Jeremy, AJ, and Caleb, too. I can't do it anymore. I can't spend time with them and allow them to wiggle their way further into my heart. I don't want to care about any of them. It's safer that way. They can't hurt me if I don't allow it. They can't abandon me if I'm no longer around. I'll bail first. I always bail first. It's the way it has to be.
I know my thought process could pass as irrational. I mean really, I'm going to cut these people out of my life because I'm scared? It's stupid. I'm aware it's cowardly. But it's not as if these hard truths will change anything.
My phone chirps in my pocket. Ah, the first text. The day is now officially going to shit. I read the text from Ace. I need to see you, Z. Where are you? My lips flatten, and I ignore it. I carefully set the phone on the hood of the car and feel a hint of misery begin to rear its ugly head in the depths of my soul.
Severing my friendship with the only people that matter is going to hurt like a bitch. An empty laugh escapes me. What's a little more emotional pain, right? I mean, I've been living with it for years. There's not a day that goes by that it's not there, right there on the edges of my mind. It's a fucking reminder that life sucks.
~*~
I shut off my phone for the rest of the day. I stay busy, running errands and doing anything to avoid the apartment complex. When I do go back, it's around nine in the evening, and I decide it's a fine time to do laundry. It's not as if Ace or Jeremy will find me down there. Those guys will avoid doing their laundry until they're down to their very last pair of clean underwear.
After grabbing my laundry basket and detergent, I shove my iPod in the pocket of my jeans and make my way down to the basement where there's five washing machines and dryers. Only one person is down here tonight, and it's a woman my age with her nose stuck in a book. She doesn't even glance at me as I walk over to a washing machine and begin to dump my stuff into it.
Once my clothes are washing, I walk over to the line of chairs against the wall and sit down several spaces down from the woman. I slip the earbuds in my ears and turn on the iPod. Then I slouch down in the chair, lean my head back, and shut my eyes.
I try not to think about Ace. It's hard, though. I know he's probably text messaged me more than a few times today, but after that first initial text, I'd shut off my phone for good. I don't want to read what he has to say and be tempted to change my mind. I've made it up, it's not changing. I got along fine for two years with nobody. Not my parents. Not my friends. No boyfriend. Just me and myself. At least I can't abandon myself. Well, I guess I can if I go completely mental. There's always that possibility since I've been seeing my dead brother on and off for a while now. My mind could abandon me. It's a scary thought, but it is what it is. If I go crazy, I'll be too crazy to know it. I think. I'll take that over losing someone to death. And caring means opening one's self up to the possibility of that debilitating agony.
I
just can't do it.
I'll look into the apartments on the third floor. Maybe they have a single unit available, because I’m not willing to part with the close proximity of living near campus. But I do need to put some sort of distance between myself and Ace and Jeremy. Living next to them is going to be next to impossible, because those guys are stubborn. But I'm the Queen of Idiotic Obstinacy. I win every time. Well, not with Caleb. He's worn down my resistance at...certain moments. Okay, thinking about Caleb isn't going to get me anywhere, either. My mind needs to take a vacation so I can wallow in my music for a bit.
Someone squeezes my leg gently, just above my knee. I let out a squeak of surprise; eyes flying open. I find Caleb sitting next to me, and I yank my earbuds out and glare at him. “You can't just go around grabbing women!”
He gives me a devastatingly wide grin. “When I do, they like it.”
My eyes narrow. “Knock yourself out. She's available,” I say, nodding to the woman sitting in the chairs to the left of me, but she's gone. Just how long had I been lost in thought?
Caleb looks at the empty chairs and quirks an eyebrow at me.
“Forget it,” I say as I shove my iPod in my pocket and rise to my feet. The washing machine is done, and I walk over and begin to pull out my clothes, dropping them in the clothes basket.
“So, you're avoiding Ace and the guys,” he remarks.
“So you're following me now?” I retort back as I slam the lid on the washing machine and stalk over to one of the dryer's. I yank open a door and start shoving my clothes in.
“I had no idea you were down here. I'm doing laundry,” he says as he watches me with a frown.
I realize another washing machine is agitating in the corner. Oh.
“Why are you so mad at me?”
“I'm not.” I turn on the dryer and walk away to collapse in the chair again. I deliberately pull out my iPod. I'm trying to ignore the vision that is flickering in my mind of him grinding with that blonde, his hands on her pert little ass. Damn it. I shouldn't care!
“Yes, you are. I have five female cousins around my age. I know pissed when I see it.”
“Maybe I'm just pissed in general.”
“Knowing you, that sounds like a logical explanation,” he says dryly.
“Well, glad we have it figured out,” I say flippantly before I slip the earbuds in my ears and turn the iPod on. Caleb yanks the earbuds out. “Ow!” I exclaim as I shoot him a death glare.
He gives me a look. “I don't like being ignored. You should know that by now.”
My teeth grind, and I fight the urge to wrap my hands around his tanned throat. His blue-brown eyes meet mine, and he waits for me to erupt. It’s then that I realize that's exactly what he wants from me. Even if I'm angry and yelling at him, I'm giving him what he wants. My attention. So instead of lacerating him with my tongue, I mutely stay silent and cross my arms over my chest.
Caleb sighs. “You are like an obstinate little child sometimes.”
No reply.
His eyes search mine, and I can tell his patience is wearing thin as his mouth tightens. “The guys warned me you were shutting them out, but I didn't realize just how literal 'shutting out' meant. Zoey, you can't go running scared every time something bad happens.”
My eyes shift to the washing machines directly in front of us, and I say nothing.
“Here. I refuse to converse with a child,” he says simply.
I look down to see that he's holding out the earbuds. I take them from him and slip them in my ears. My head drops back, and I shut my eyes as the music blares through my head. Of course, he's right. I know I'm being childish. But it worked, didn't it?
When my clothes are finished, Caleb says nothing to me as I toss them in my basket and make my way back upstairs.
~*~
The following morning, I am up and out of the apartment before Jeremy and Ace would ever consider dragging themselves out of bed. I use the extra time to drop by a restaurant to eat breakfast. By the time I'm finished eating, I have to get to campus for my first class of the day.
When I exit the Design Building later that morning, I'm not surprised to see that Ace is waiting for me. I take one look at him and fight the urge to go to him so I can wrap my arms around him, assuring myself that he's solid and alive. That he's not dead...like Micah.
Instead, I falter where I stand.
Ace walks over, his dark gray eyes watchful. “Talk to me, Zoey,” he says softly.
My eyes drop as he stands before me. This is going to be harder than I ever imagined.
“Stop shutting everyone out when you're hurting,” he says as he reaches out and touches my chin, trying to tilt my face up to meet his gaze.
I yank my chin from his touch, and I feel my inner bitch surfacing. “You knew the deal when we first met.”
His body tenses, his eyes darkening. “You want to cut us loose for good. Saturday was too much, now you're running as fast as you can away from us. Damn it, Zoey. It's not going to happen again. I'm here, I'm fine.”
“But you can't promise to always be here,” I point out.
His eyes soften. “No one can.”
I look away.
“I am not your brother. I'm not going to die simply because you care. There isn't some sort of evil force that's out to torture you. The only one torturing yourself is you.”
“Don't you dare belittle how I'm feeling!”
Frustration flickers across his features. “I'm not! But damn it, your thought process is so jaded and cynical. You fight us when there's no reason to fight.” He moves closer, and his hands frame my face. I find myself going completely still at his closeness. “Stop. Running. You have issues, we all do. But yours are beginning to destroy you. Zoey, you need help.”
It's like he's doused me with cold water. I smack his hands away from my face, and I step back, eyes flashing angrily. “You don't know a damn thing! Have I ever talked to you about what's inside my head? Well, have I?” I demand.
A muscle works in his jaw. “No.”
“Who the fuck are you to tell me I need help then? You know nothing, and there's a reason for that. It's because you don't need to know. I don't need you, and I don't want you in my life. I'm done,” I say tightly as I step around him.
He catches my arm and gets in my face, his gray eyes churning with barely contained anger. “I don't need to get in your mind to know you're scared. I saw it in you when we first met. And if you think for one minute I'm going to let you just ride off on your damn corrosive high horse, you got another thing coming. I'll give you space, for now. I get it. I scared the ever livin' shit out of you Friday night. If it were the other way around, I'd still be piecing together the parts of me that went through that kind of hell as well. But I'm not giving up on you. Never,” he says deliberately. His eyes contain a threat in their depths that warns me we aren't even close to being done. He lets my arm go and waits for my next move.
I stand there for a long moment, feeling stunned by his admission. Ace didn't do conversations like this. For a brief second, I am so close to stepping into him, to beg his forgiveness for once again being such a bitch. His eyes are watchful and he sees it, too. He knows he's taken me by surprise and cracked the impenetrable armor I'd donned around my heart today. His unconscious body flickers briefly in my mind, and much to my horror, tears well up in my eyes. “I can't, Ace. I just can't,” I mutter before I duck my head and rush away.
Somehow, I manage to get through my other classes, and then I go straight to work. I'm on autopilot at the restaurant, and I smile pleasantly at the patrons. But inside, I feel empty. Empty and confused. There's parts of me that are screaming at me to stop this nonsense where the guys are concerned. I need them in my life. They are the only thing that has kept me from breaking since I started college.
The fear though...
It's overwhelming. It's always there, and it reminds me of that night I'd lost my brother. I know if I ever experience that kind of gri
ef again, I'll shatter into pieces. The worst part is, I'm aware of all of these irrational fears in my mind. They aren't normal. Normal people don't go around blanketing themselves in self-exiled solitude.
I do need help.
How do you ask for help when you fear that just as much?
Chapter Twelve
Ace has backed off. I received only one text each from AJ and Jeremy. They told me they know I need space, but not to expect it to last long. Lovely veiled threat there. For two days I go about my life without the guys. It's lonely. Too lonely.
I jog more than I have in the past month.
I'm jogging several blocks away from the complex on Thursday when it begins to rain. Considering it matches my mood, I embrace it. I don't care that I'm dripping wet. It feels oddly comforting. I'm lost in my own little world when a familiar blue Ford Focus pulls up next to me.
I glance at it with surprise, and the passenger window slides down. My steps halt when I recognize the young girl that Caleb had with him a few weeks back at Grendel's. She gives me an awkward wave, and I spot Caleb leaning over from the driver's seat so he can peer out the window at me. “Get in!”
The rain has shifted to a downpour, and I shake my head. “I'll get your seats wet!” I call over the sound of the rain.
I watch as he leans close to the girl and says something to her. She nods and looks at me tentatively. “My names Micaela. I'll be disappointed if you say no.”
The dirty rotten bastard. He'd seen how I'd reacted to Micaela at Grendel's and knows I wouldn't have the heart to disappoint her. I can't help but give her a wry smile. “Well, since you are much sweeter than your other half over there, I'll accept the ride.” The girl's lips twitch slightly, but I can still see the ever present sadness in her gaze.
Once I'm safely seated in the back, Caleb pulls away from the curb. He glances at me in the rearview mirror. “We're going to the Aquarium of the Pacific, want to join us?”
Poison Me Sweetly (Long Beach Series Book 1) Page 15