by Marie James
As usual I’m put into a room very quickly but this is where the long wait happens. I don’t know why they don’t leave us in the waiting room where I can at least people watch. Plus, the sign on the wall instructs me to turn off my cell phone. The last time I came I was brave and read a book on the kindle app on my phone but got a tacky look from the nurse when I couldn’t put it away fast enough. I think a half a second after knocking is not a long enough time before barging in on someone. “What are you doing?” I ask Jillian with a light laugh as she stares at the 3D replica of a uterus and ovaries. “Haven’t you been in OB/GYN’s office before?”
“Yes,” she says scrunching up her nose and leaning in even closer. “But the handful of times I’ve been I’ve been in a paper gown on the table. I didn’t have the ability to look at things up close.” She points to the uterus. “Do you think that is a healthy one or a diseased one? I honestly can’t tell.”
“I think that’s a healthy one. Will you sit down,” I beg, pointing to a chair beside the table I’m perched on. “You’re making me nervous.”
Giving it one last scrutinizing glance, she appeases me and takes a seat. “Tell me about your date last night.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “About that,” I say sharply. “You’ve got to stop pushing Justin on me. It’s not fair to him. He gets his hopes up. I try to keep things platonic, and you do things like make sure we have the most romantic table in the restaurant with fucking candles on the table.”
“I was just trying to help,” she replies with an uncharacteristically gentle voice.
I soften my own voice because I know she means well. “I’ve been telling you for months there is too much other stuff I’m dealing with right now. I can’t get into anything with Justin.”
“Okay,” she finally agrees. “I won’t do any more sneaky matchmaking. Seriously, though, how was last night?”
The quick knock on the door prevents me from relaying last night events and the doctor walks in.
We go through the basics, and he asks some questions about some elective tests I’m due to have if I feel like it, mostly genetic type stuff. I realize that I know nothing about Kadin’s family history and what I’m aware of from Trent’s family is just what he’d relayed to me in passing. I have no way of knowing the things that could affect my baby without knowing who the father is and getting that information from them.
Just as he’s finishing up and turns to wash his hands before exiting the room, I finally speak up. “Dr. I want to know about,” I clear my throat. “I’m curious about how a paternity test would work.”
Ever the professional, he takes the question in stride. “You could have an amnio now to determine paternity, but it carries some risks. The safest thing to do would be to wait until the baby is born and do it then.”
“What all does that entail?” I question.
“Buccal swabs. The testing center will swipe the inside mouth of the baby as well as the suspected fathers and the tests would be run from that.” He uses a couple paper towels to dry his hands and takes a step near the door. “Do we have your anatomy sonogram scheduled?”
“Yes, sir. Next week.” I answer.
“Very good,” he says with a gentle smile. “See you next month Ms. Sykes.” He nods his head at Jillian and exits the room.
“That was a tough conversation to have,” Jillian says as we get in my car outside the doctor’s office. “What are you going to do?”
I don’t hesitate. “I’m going to wait until the baby is born. Poor thing is already going to have enough of a hard life with only one parent. I don’t want to take the chance of complications just because Mom is a slut who doesn’t know who its father is.” I’m near tears. I’d thought I’d accepted the fact that the baby could be either Trent’s or Kadin’s but apparently I’m not even close to being over the shame from it.
“Stop that shit right now,” Jillian says harshly.
I sniffle and use a tissue from the console to dab at my eyes. “Sorry. I cry all the time.”
“Cry all you want. That’s not what I’m talking about.” She turns her body toward mine in the passenger seat. “There is no shame in the situation that you’re in. It’s not the most ideal, but it is far from unmanageable. Now dry your pretty face. We still have a half day of work at the office before the weekend starts.”
“You’re right.” I steel my spine and will my eyes to be clear and dry by the time we make it back to the office.
“Besides,” she says speaking for the first time since we pulled out of the parking lot at the doctor’s office. “Either one of those assholes should be honored to have knocked you up.”
I glare at her then nearly fold over in laughter. She knows just what to say and exactly when to say it.
I smile as I open the door to my office and see an outlandish vase of flowers on the corner of my desk. My assumptions are correct when I pluck the card that’s nestled in them and read the little note that Justin wrote on it.
Had a great time last night, hope to do it again soon. It’s signed Your Friend, J.
I lean in close with a smile on my face and breathe the bouquet in. I’m not a flower person, and Trent only sent some on my birthday a few times, so I have no clue what half of them are but the reds, pinks, whites, and greens make for one stunning display.
“Wow,” I hear Jillian say from my door.
Suddenly a wave of uneasiness comes over me. “Jillian,” I sigh. “Did you send me flowers from him?”
She shakes her head no and walks up to smell them just like I did a moment ago. “I had nothing to do with this,” she says with astonishment. “But he did a damn fine job.”
She walks and leaves with that little tidbit.
I don’t know how Justin has been both patient and persistent at the same time, but he’s seemed to have perfected the combination. I can’t deny that I slept better after our date last night. I was happy that someone was willing to show me interest even though I now come with baggage. Both physically with the baby and emotionally with my past.
As wonderful as he is, he’s not Kadin. As much as I know he would work every day to make me happy, I don’t think I can be completely happy ever again. He needs to find someone who still has a heart to give away.
I sigh again and turn on my computer, hoping some work will push all thoughts of both Justin and Kadin out of my mind.
I’ve been here before. A feeling of unease sweeps through me as the fog glides around my ankles. I can almost remember what happens next, but the events seem blurry. Familiar yet oddly different at the same time. The trail I’m following in the woods opens up into a clearing filled with a slow moving fog. It clears just briefly enough to expose London’s beautiful face. She looks at me tenderly, and I follow her gaze down to her arms but can’t tell what she’s holding. When she looks up, I see a tear roll down her cheek, and she turns and disappears into the mist. The sound of a baby crying makes my heart stop and propels me into action at the same time. I search for her, but the fog is too thick, and my hands come back empty each and every time I reach out for her.
“London!” I sit upright in bed covered in sweat and barely able to catch my breath. I scrub at my face with my hands and try to wipe away the dread I feel in my stomach.
I’m no stranger to nightmares; I have them all the time. The one that has haunted me for months was with Savannah. This one with London and the sound of the baby crying is brand new and puts me on edge. I grab my cell phone from the table by the bed. Four in the morning; more than twelve hours before I’ll be able to see her. Twelve hours of nothing to do but drive me crazy.
A couple of hours later Kegan finds me on hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor. I’m determined to clean the house from top to bottom on the off chance she may want to come back here with me. The house was pretty damn clean to begin with, which Kegan pointed out, but at least it gave me something to do to pass the time.
The last hour before I left the house, I spent m
aking room for her. The house is huge, so that’s not even an issue, but I made room for her in my space. I moved my clothes to one area of the closet; I cleared off one of the bedside tables, and I arranged things on the bathroom sink for the things I remember seeing on the sink at the condo. I can tell her all day long that I need her, but I want her to see truly that I have room in my life, in my heart, for her. I want her to know that I want her to fill all of the voids in my life; that I’m incomplete without her.
Kegan and I part ways on the front porch, ending with a back slap man hug and wishes for the best outcome. He assures me since I’m a Cole, I’ve got it in the bag. I hope with every atom of my being that he’s right.
Waiting in the parking lot is miserable. Knowing she’s less than a hundred yards away kills me as each second ticks by agonizingly slow. I hope she comes out alone because I won’t be able to refrain from approaching her if she tries to leave again with Justin Bland. I’m pleased to see her car parked in a different spot than it was yesterday; it leads me to believe that she actually went home last night rather than stayed with him. I had to realize and accept last night that I may not be fighting only against our pasts, along with my mistakes, but I may also be up against another man. The thought sits heavy in my already turning stomach.
Five o’clock rolls around and no one exits the building. I’m growing impatient by the second. What kind of man keeps his staff after five on a Friday? At five-fifteen the front door opens and a small group of people walks out, heading to the small parking area.
My heart stops just like it did yesterday at the sight of London. Watching Justin Bland walk her to her car with a hand at the small of her back enrages me. They get in separate cars but not before Justin leans in and places a kiss at her temple. I may be charged with murder if they end up at the same place. I watch as he leaves the parking lot, turning right. I breathe a sigh of relief when she turns left.
I’m in a company truck with no real identifiable features. It’s purposeful because I didn’t want her to recognize me and put herself in danger by trying to get away. I don’t think she’d do something like that, but she did leave with no warning and not so much as a note, so I didn’t want to take my chances.
I wait at a distance in the parking lot of a small grocery store for twenty minutes while she shops, resisting the urge to get out and help her load up her groceries when she’s done. The more I sit and watch her, the creepier I feel. I’m not trying to learn her routine; I just need to know where she lives. I can’t lose her again, and I’m afraid if I reach out to her at any place other than her home I may never see her again.
The grocery store appears to be her last stop, and I park on the street when she pulls into the driveway of an adorable cottage style house. The driveway is empty which leads me to believe that she either lives alone or is currently the only one here. My hope, of course, is for the former.
She doesn’t notice me as I make my way up the driveway. She’s huddled near the trunk of her little red car, grabbing groceries out of the trunk.
“London,” I say startling her so bad she swings around, and apples go rolling down the driveway.
“Kadin!” She gasps and brings her now empty hands protectively to her stomach.
I tried working out what I was going to say to her at this moment. I pondered over it for hours last night and again today while I did my best to keep busy. Standing before her right now, my mind is a complete blank other than the urge to sweep her in my arms and run my nose down the side of her neck.
We stand, just looking at each other. The first tendrils of anger at her leaving begin to creep in.
“You just left,” I say harshly.
I watch as her face changes from shock at my presence to anger.
“You went to go fuck your dead wife’s twin. Excuse me for not staying around to put up with that shit!” Leaving the hatch open on her car and the groceries inside, she turns and begins to storm away to the front of the house.
“London! Don’t walk away from me again.” She ignores me and continues walking into the house. This is not how I saw this going at all. “How can you walk away from me when you’re carrying my baby?” It’s an honest question. The last amount of venom in her words tell me why she left, something I’d been wondering about since the day it happened.
“I don’t know that!” She seethes as she turns around to face me.
What the fuck did she just say?
I watch as confusion and some other unnamed emotion, sadness maybe, sweeps over his face. I’m shocked that he’s here and more than a little excited, but I don’t know how to handle the barrage of feelings as they all collide with me all at once. I regretted the words the second they came out of my mouth and I’m terrified he will run, but it’s not relief washing over his face. From the fall of his mouth, he seems distraught at the possibility of the baby not being his.
“What are you saying?” he finally whispers.
“You want me to spell it out?” I ask with a tremble in my voice. I take his silence as a yes. “I conceived the weekend we met.”
“So it has to be mine,” he says. “We were drunk but I… we didn’t use… you fell asleep in my arms that night.”
A tear rolls down my cheek. “I woke up in Trent’s arms that morning.”
Understanding marks his already crestfallen face, and I want to sob when I see the slight tremor in his chin. He reaches out for the banister of the porch to steady himself, his eyes closing briefly.
“So that means…” His voice trails off as if he can’t fathom the possibility that I may be carrying another man’s baby.
“That I’m a whore, and I have no clue who the father of this baby is?” I press my trembling hands to my stomach. Saying it out loud to him makes me sick to my stomach.
“London,” he whispers reaching for me. I take a step back. “I’d never say that about you. I’d never think that about you.”
I close my eyes and let his words wash over me allowing myself to believe him if only for a minute. He takes a step closer but doesn’t reach for me again.
“When you woke up that morning, you had no clue how your night was going to end. I got you drunk. I took advantage.”
“You didn’t,” I argue. “I kissed you first, remember?”
His face softens, and his eyes flutter closed as if he recalls the memory this exact second. “I could never forget.” His eyes pop open. “But, I knew you were vulnerable, and I let it happen. You’re not a whore, London. You’re a beautiful, amazing woman, who is carrying my child,” he says stubbornly as if he believes it enough it will be true.
We watch each other for long moments, and his twitching fingers do not go unnoticed. I wonder absently if he has the urge to reach out and touch me as I do him.
“Can we go inside and talk?” He finally asks in a hopeful voice.
Without a word, I turn from him and finish unlocking the door. “It’s not much,” I explain as he follows me inside.
He closes the door behind him but keeps a small distance between us. I turn the lights on in the living room and hold an arm out, directing him to sit on the sofa.
“It’s exactly how I would have imagined your place,” he says and sits down in the middle of the sofa forcing me to either stand or sit beside him, knowing if I sit our legs would be touching.
The cottage is very small, and the sofa is the only place in the living room to sit. He pretends it wasn’t intentional as I take a seat beside him, keeping a protective arm over my stomach.
“Were you ever going to tell me?” He asks nodding at the ever-growing bump I can no longer hide even if I wanted to.
“The answer to that question has changed quite a few times over the last couple of months, Kadin.” He looks at me patiently, waiting for me to explain. “I was going to find a way to conduct a paternity test after the baby was born.” I stupidly remember Trent’s hairbrush I somehow ended up packing when I left Great Falls, but with what the doctor told me this mor
ning that’s not how the tests are conducted.
“Why would you get a paternity test? Do you plan to go back to him if the baby is his?”
“No.” I shake my head back and forth.
“Then it doesn’t matter, London.”
I stare at him. His mood has completely changed from the anger he had when he first arrived to now.
“I went to your condo,” I admit softly. I watch his head snap up. “It was weeks ago, but some old man was there, and he said he’d lived there for years, and I knew he was confused so I didn’t question him any further.”
“You came back to me?” He reaches out and grasps my hand bringing it to his chest.
I almost moan at the heat coming off of his body. I’ve missed his touch so much.
“I came to tell you about the baby,” I clarify.
“I’ve missed you,” he says softly and touches my cheek with his free hand.
It takes every ounce of power and control I have not to lean into his touch. “You don’t seem surprised that I’m pregnant. How did you know?”
“I found the test in the trash.”
I nod. I remembered the test after I left the condo but had no way to go back and get it. I have to admit selfishly that in my anger I’d hoped that he would find it.
“I was going to tell you that night.” I swallow roughly trying to fight back the pain I still feel from his lies. “I heard you talking to Sierra.”
He winces.
“I could tell something was going on between you two. It wasn’t my place to get in the middle of whatever it was, but then you came and lied to me about needing to take care of something at the office.” I pause, doing my best to choke back the sob that’s trying to climb up my throat. “You lied to me. I told myself when I left Trent that I’d never let another man treat me like that.”
“So you left,” he sighs.
“I left.” I reach a hand up and wipe the tears I couldn’t stop if I tried.
“Sierra and I,” he huffs quietly. “We were never together, but that situation was a train wreck at best. I put an end to our… fuck I don’t even know what you would call it. That was over long before I met you. Months before we met.”