"Then I will give you the proof Jen and I will find some way to let you see inside me to know it's true. And, on a side not we spent the night together last night in your bed just sleeping."
I am bombarded with the thoughts on what he thinks or feels about the journals and I need to know. I can’t burry this. "I was not going to ask this. I was going to play it out and see."
He looks at me confused now and tips my chin so I see his eyes. "Ask what?"
"The journals? Did you..." I choke on the question and look away. I wanted him to see into my mind in a way I couldn’t give him on my own. I also fear the truth of what those mean for us if he hasn’t.
"Did I read them?" He asks and the pain that lances every dingle part of his face tells me he did. "I read almost everything. There was a lot that I forgot until reading it." He twirls pieces of my hair.
"I remembered the night your mom left and when you moved back to the trailer. There was a lot I don’t remember because I was wasted or just didn’t give a fuck."
He lifts me off of him and stands. "I can’t sugar coat some of what I feel about the shit in those journals Jen. I can’t sugar coat it because I refuse to give you less than the truth." He looks around until he sees the joint Noah gave him and lights it. "Be sure you want to talk about it all."
Cal
I thought I would have more time to ponder everything in those books and now I am on the spot and I have no choice but to go with it and pray I can still keep her loving me when I am done.
"I let you inside of my soul, my thoughts and fears, everything I felt. I won’t accept less than that Cal."
I light the joint and pull in a huge drag before looking at her again. "There is no reason you should love me Jen. None what so ever. I don’t deserve it and in the same breath I thank God you do."
"Cal-" She tries to talk but I cut her off.
"I can’t tell you I didn’t see you or want you. I did and the last time you left my bus, after I treated you so awful- fuck! I said shit that no woman deserves to hear and I left you to go fuck two other bitches that night!" I throw the joint in the fire, it isn’t helping.
"I went and fucked two chicks right after, unaware that what I said, how I acted..." I can’t even look at her for my shame. "Those books brought up other shit too, shit I have buried for years. All that shit is what made treating you like hell okay."
She closes her eyes and she knows what I mean. "Everything I did with other men?" She asks and I laugh darkly.
"My friends Jen. That is the one thing I hated you the most for back then."
"I know. I knew then and it was why I did it. I needed something to tell me you missed me. It wasn’t right, it was foul to do it and I won’t give you an excuse."
Sometimes I want to wring her neck, sometimes I want to kiss her. Fuck me... "Jen I wish I could tell you my every thought or feeling so that you knew I always missed you like you gave me. My feelings changed and morphed into something ugly when I committed to Tayla. I talk all this hard shit like I fought for her and bore my soul. I didn’t. I didn’t tell her about how shitty a person I was inside and out. I didn’t tell her how I treated you when you were in Idaho and alone. I didn’t tell her, 'Hey babe, I fucked Jenny Pope a while back and left her to fish out the condom when I fucked two more Randoms that night.' I never did because I don’t think I changed for the best until you."
I scrub my face and just keep spilling this horrible shit to her. "I bad mouthed you, I tore you down." I reach for her hand and try to give some form of reason though there isn’t one. "I was innocent once. That kid that taught you to give head, that kid you called for when your world fell apart, he loved you. It isn’t what you had for me, hell I didn’t even see it that way back then. But I loved you and there was nothing I wouldn’t do to keep you from being sad."
She has tears in her eyes and reaches for the bottle of wine beside her on the concrete. I take it and pour it for her and wait until I have her eyes again.
"I never told anyone what I am about to tell you. It isn’t eloquent or special. It is ugly and it was my turning point between us."
She nods and wipes her tears; a shaking hand holds the glass to her lips.
"That night you fucked Noah on the beach?" I ask and she squeezes her eyes shut at the truth of my words. I want to comfort her and I will when I get to the softer shit, but right now I will confront this. "I followed you guys. I didn’t think that you would fuck him. I actually thought you would be crying over me. I was gonna tell him to leave and tell you I wanted you. I didn’t know how I would do it or what to say, I just knew it was what I wanted."
I look away as I get a beer from my fridge by the outdoor kitchen before finishing. "I found you guys by the reeds and I listened to all of it."
I see her hands go to her mouth, trying to hide the awful painful sound that escaped. She sobs, and other than the night she told me about her rape, I have never seen her so hurt. "I didn’t know..." She cries and I can’t help but take her into my arms once I am back to the couch.
"I know, me too." I say and I mean it. "Sorry isn’t enough Jenny, not even close but it is all I have to start with."
"After that, things were different. I figured Noah said something." She says and holds me tighter.
"No, he was never one for bragging. If you didn’t see it or were there, he was a vault."
She cups my face and looks at me. "If I ever would have thought we stood a glimmer of a chance it never would have happened Cal. I know I am a fuck up, but you were bigger than any one thing in my life."
"Any time I was rude about it or egged it on, it was me and my ego. When they were there, I did everything I could to have your focus on me. When you were with them I convinced myself, you were thinking of me."
I wipe the wetness from under her eye and lick the pad of my thumb. "Listen close here. I hand delivered you into that hell knowing full well you were chasing me. Shitty way to get my attention, no doubt about it, but I have a part in it. We all made it okay for you to be that girl Jen. By the time you were lost, I was the first to degrade you and hold it against you. I will never be a better person than you Jen, then or now."
"For what it is worth Caly, I never meant to hurt you. Never." She is so determined to ensure I believe her.
"I did mean to hurt you Jen. I wanted you and I hated you for it. It was innocent once and all of that..." I tug her hair to keep her eyes on me. "All of it was real and innocent and sweet." I kiss her sweetly on the lips. "I look back all the time and wonder what I missed with Axe and I get pissed, but I know that how it worked is how it worked and I am glad he is healthy thriving and awesome. I have read the birth reports from the hospital, I verified the reports from DCFS and Red, you fucked up a lot, but the worst thing that he was exposed to was sleeping in a car seat, being on the bus a few weeks before I got him and taking him there... that night."
"I know." She cries and I feel like an asshole for laying it out there for her, but if I don’t it will fester.
"I know you are sorry and remorse is a bitch is small doses, so I can imagine the hell you feel by it. But, you want to know why I can work through it?"
She nods and lights a smoke as she finishes her wine.
"I took a look at the entire thing. This lifestyle and the shit it brings to your door. Say Candey didn’t die and Noah slipped off the wagon for some other reason? She would have left him and he still would have had to clean his life up for her no different than you are for Axe. We all forgave him, saw his reasons and wrote the excuse. Not a single fucking person wrote an excuse for you or paved your way. You did it all alone."
She starts to shake her head no and crying harder. "I had someone helping me Cal."
I look at her confused and wonder what she means. "Who? Your mom?" I swear that chick was never around and she even told me herself that her mom didn’t even know about Axe.
"Noah." Then she proceeds to tell me that he tried to buy her off and never look back and she asked for
rehab instead. "It was how we became friends. After court that day, he took me to Riverside and I stayed thirty days and stripped it all away. I went to meetings with him and we talked about everything. Then that night he came in and those bikers beat him up..." She shivers and looks at the fire, flicking her smoke in it.
"That's why you went with him?" I recall leaving that night done and over his shit. I had cut him off from everything and walked away. He only agreed to go to rehab after I had left and by Sully and Jen's hand not mine.
"How much did he offer you?" I ask, out of curiosity. I wasn’t angry or feel betrayed. I was glad they helped each other. She was a huge part in saving Noah from himself.
"Five hundred thousand and to never look back."
I nod. "I was willing to offer five million but our lawyer said no and shut me down. I was mad as hell that day though, I had no idea you would give a one-eighty."
"He offered me before court and I didn’t take it. When I left the court room that day though and saw him playing with Axe... I asked him if I could take his offer and get help instead."
"Well I am glad you’re here stronger and wiser than ever before. Once you solved whatever equation you were working on Jen, you came back a triple threat and a hell of a mom."
We sit in silence and I want to tell her I read the last entry of that book, but how do you say, 'so I read about your rape?' Fucking you don’t that’s how. I am not gentle or calm with that shit at all and I need to learn to be.
"Did you read the end?" She asked me and I internally scream because even the thought of it makes me a monster. I try to think of the talk with Noah and Chad and be comforting.
I nod.
Not the strongest response but I am trying not to show my panic about it. She lived it for fucks sake, I need to man up and be here for her. "I did and honestly..." I look at her and sigh. "I wish I didn’t. I wanted to know the truth of it all and the details because I thought the answer would be in the details. It wasn’t. You were brutalized and traumatized and even the thought of it..." I look at her then and tell the truth, brutal or not. "I want to find em' and fuckin' kill'em Jen."
"I have days where I want them to pay... When I think they probably do it often I feel like a bitch for not ratting them out, but fear over rules that too. I worry they will have connections and hurt Axe or you...it isn’t a price I want to pay."
She takes my beer and sips from it. "Where I come from, that type of ugly is on every corner. I have seen them before and it is why I only go home on the nights I have doubles and don’t see you guys. It is safe here and nothing or no one can touch us."
I can hear the fear in her voice and knowing she has seen them since makes my body vibrate with anger I try to hide. "You can move in Jen. I wouldn’t expect a thing. Keep your room and do your thing. You want to support yourself, I get that... but I have millions Jen, millions. Stop working at Skin and come here, focus on your PIT work and put the time in there. It is safe there and you are always with people that got your back because you are family. There’s and mine."
"But if I do that, I will always wonder if I could have done it alone." She says and, fuck I admire her pride even if it isn’t reasonable anymore.
"Pride is a glorious thing in small doses. This shit, babe it is pride before the fall shit. They know you and you have seen them? I guarantee that you see them at Skin and this shit cannot fly anymore. He lost you once before. Do not let it happen again because of pride."
"What do you pay in rent?" I ask and I am up and looking at her.
"Seven hundred with utilities."
"Okay! Hold that thought." I rush in the house and to my office and pull out one of the standard contracts I have that state a contract is in effect for any reason. There is a space to explain the contract in detail until a permanent one is drawn up.
I grab it and head outside, stopping at the counter of the outdoor kitchen. I sign it and head to her, handing her both the contract and the pen. "Pay me seven hundred with utilities. Look at it like a really empty apartment complex with three tenants. We have a pool, weight room, full kitchen, a few of them. Rent a room and use of the house from me."
"You can’t be serious." She says and looks at me like I am joking. Nope. Not joking, just smart.
"I have never once made a joke about a binding contract and it is binding. Me and the guys use these all the time. Roadies, crew help, Axes specialists. I am not kidding and never will when it is business and this, and only this is business Red."
She looks to my guest house and back at me. "I need to think on this Cal... it’s a lot."
"Okay, Noah always says that women need to detour around the obvious, so go ahead and detour. You will still sign it because I have left no other options for you not to and you know I am right. There is guest house three hundred feet from us, use that if you need more. But sign it when the detour leading you right back here is done."
"Deal." She says laughing and I pull her up and into my arms, kissing her soundly. "Are we okay?" She asks and I get it, we covered some heavy shit tonight.
"We have more to hash out, but we got through the worst tonight. I think we are more than okay. We will tackle more in time. For now, honestly I just want to fuck you senseless."
She smacks my shoulder and laughs. “Tell me what I asked for is okay Cal. Tell me you understand why I need you to make a conscious choice. I am taking all the risk because I believe in us.”
“I am ok with this plan, Jen. I think it’s wise, but know that I am not doubting that I will choose you. I can do it your way and be as we have been, with more touching, fucking and dates and dinners. I am still going to pick you though after all is said and done. I’ll pick you because you are what I want, so don’t doubt me too much.”
“Deal.”
“I want to take you up to my bed, lay you out and start something we never tried before.”
Chapter Twelve
Jen
I feel his lips fall on me and I can’t stomach the emotions running through me. I have always loved Cal and this can’t take place without that knowledge.
I feel his lips and I can’t take air in, all I see is him and his perfect face. "I will find a way to tell you one day firefly." He says and lays me back on my bed.
I moan at his words as I watch him undress before me. I sit to take my shirt off when he stops me. "I want to peel this from every inch baby." He moves onto the bed in just his boxers and pulls me to my knees before him and kisses me. I feel his fingers as they graze along my hip bone and slip beneath my shirt. Slowly, so slowly he lifts my shirt, bending to kiss below my breasts, his hands lifting my arms above my head as it is slipped off.
My hair cascades over my shoulders and back. He brushes it aside to kiss along my collarbone and shoulders. "You smell amazing and fuck, you are so soft Jen." He slips his fingers under my bra straps. Then undoes the front clasp, exposing my breasts to him.
He cups them in his big hands kissing and licking me, so slow I want to scream. "Look how perky your nipples are. Is your pussy just as ready Red?" He asks, slipping a hand down the front of my panties until he is between my lips.
"Oh, god!" I moan as he touches me so slow and with such purpose.
"Lay back." He says and strokes his cock through his boxers as I lay back. Once I am settled he pulls my panties down and spreads my legs so I am exposed to him. "I love licking you Jen. I love it."
Oh, God, oh, God, ohmigod! He is flicking my clit, making me crazy for more, for him. This is unlike any other time because we both not only need it, but it matters beyond the need.
"Cal..." I pant on an endless chant of his name. "Tell me..." I don’t dare ask for the very thing I need. I am still scared even after the confessions these last few weeks.
He stops and comes up from between my thighs until we are laying face to face. "What, Jen? Tell you what?" He asks, dipping to kiss my neck, tilting my head back to lick upon my throat.
Tell him? Was he mad? I couldn’t tell hi
m all I wanted, it crossed every boundary I have built over the years. "Just don’t stop." I say hoping it is enough. But it isn’t. He won’t accept it.
He laces our fingers and brings them between us, where his boxers covered cock and my wet entrance are. "This is want, this is need." He says stroking us both with our entwined hands. He props to his knees to bare his weight as he laces our other free hands together and rests them over my heart. "This is real. Both belong here, but if you can’t feel that or know it..." He shakes his head and drops his mouth to mine for a sweet kiss. "Then I can’t go further and I won’t. This isn’t fucking Jen."
I nod, unable to find the words to tell him how deeply I want it all. "Tell you what Jen?" He asks again and I pull on all the faith I have to ask.
"Tell me you want me." I say softly, watching his lidded eyes brighten. "Tell me this is real and that I won’t wake up tomorrow lost again?" I feel my throat tighten at that fear being voiced, but refuse to cry no matter how bad the fear cripples me.
"Red, if you haven’t figured it out yet, it’s my fault for not making it clear. I am always going to bring you back to me." He kisses me, the emotion on his face evident when his tongue touches mine. "You are always in my sights so I won’t let you get lost looking for me ever again."
He moves both our entwined hands above my head and grinds his still covered cock against me. Using one hand he slips it between us as he pulls his boxers free enough to release his cock and line it against my opening before thrusting in.
"Fuck!" We both cry out with the impalement. I can’t control my legs as they lift to wrap around his waist. His mouth kissing and biting the soft skin over my chest.
"The way I feel right now, with you like this... there is nowhere else for me Jen. Without it I would be lost..." He says and I cannot speak for the guttural truth he speaks to me for the first time. "There is so much I want to say or do and I fumble it all up, but here with you wet and hot beneath me I know with a devout truth that this is what home is."
Fix Me_TAT_A Rocker Romance Page 16