“Everything okay?” Whitney asked as she got to the next pole.
“Peachy,” Yolanda mumbled.
They worked for a few minutes in silence, falling into a rhythm of Whitney passing Yolanda tape and Yolanda taping up the flyers.
Yolanda felt the need to say something as they approached their starting point. “This has been good,” she said, breaking the silence. “We must be more than halfway through these.”
“Do you think all the others are actually going to put these up?”
“I would hope so,” Yolanda said. She shifted the papers in her hands, thinking about it. “Maybe some of them just threw them in the trash.”
“Not a bad idea,” Whitney said.
Yolanda glanced at her from the side of her eye and grinned. “Are you saying you want to do that? I wouldn’t tell anyone.”
Although Whitney laughed, she shook her head. “That’s okay. We can meet up again tomorrow. Let’s say, seven?”
“That sounds good.”
“Come on, I’ll give you a ride home.”
They got in Whitney’s car, and Yolanda buckled her seatbelt. She tried not to look at Whitney. Looking at her made her feel so funny inside.
“I hope your dog isn’t waiting for you,” Yolanda commented.
“Yeah, she’ll be sitting up, waiting by the door,” Whitney said, giving a little laugh. “That dog needs to get a life.”
“That’s sweet of her.”
“More like she wants to go for a walk. I take her out three times a day, if not four. It’s a ton of work.”
“Try having a kid. I probably walk Jessie five times a day.” Yolanda pressed the button to turn the radio on, quickly changing the station to find one that she liked. “You’ll never understand what work is until you’re a mom,” she continued, then immediately she remembered who she was talking to. “Shit, I forgot you were in the military. Never mind, don’t listen to me.”
“No, it’s okay.”
“I know you do a shitload of work in the service. You must have gone through a lot. Seen things I can’t even imagine.”
“Not really.”
“You know, I don’t think I’ve even met an Iraq veteran before. I wouldn’t have thought you’d be so modest about everything.”
“It’s really not a big deal.”
“It’s a huge deal,” Yolanda insisted. “You could have lost your life for our country.”
Whitney’s tension was palpable. Yolanda wondered why she was continuing to be so modest. Couldn’t she take the compliment? She had done an exceptional thing.
“It wasn’t what you think,” Whitney said, her knuckles white on the steering wheel. “I wasn’t deployed for very long.”
Whatever that meant. “Okay, have it your way,” Yolanda said. “So, are you going to take Valentine out tonight?”
Whitney laughed, the tension in the air dissipating. “She definitely needs to go out after all this time, but I’m afraid it won’t be a long walk. I’m exhausted.”
They continued to talk lightly until Whitney pulled up in front of Yolanda’s house. She steered the car into the driveway. The evening was over already. How did it feel like it was too early, even though it was close to dawn?
Comfortable and relaxed in her seat, Yolanda put her hand reluctantly on the door handle. “Thank you for the ride,” she said.
“You’re welcome. Any time.”
Yolanda nodded, not knowing what she was waiting for. Her hand trembled slightly on the handle, but she didn’t quite feel like opening it. She turned to look at Whitney, wanting to take in the lines of her face one last time. “Okay, I guess I’ll go in now.”
Why did it feel like this wasn’t finished?
Whitney looked back at her. Their eyes met in the dusky light.
Yolanda didn’t have time to think about what was happening before Whitney leaned in and planted her lips on her.
Fourteen
Whitney’s head spun as she kissed Yolanda. It felt like fireworks were going off behind her eyelids. She had always thought that was just an expression, but it was really happening now. Realizing she had forgotten to breathe, she sucked in quick breaths through her nostrils. She wanted to keep this going for as long as possible.
But how could this be happening? Was she dreaming? As soon as her mind calmed down enough for her to understand what was going on, she knew it couldn’t be right. There was no way she was really kissing Yolanda.
She had just done it on instinct. It felt like the natural thing to do at this point of the night. Putting up the flyers together felt strangely like a date. At the end of dates, people kissed. She hadn’t thought twice before leaning in.
She shouldn’t have done it. She knew Yolanda was straight, Yolanda had told her that multiple times, in no uncertain terms.
But Yolanda was kissing her back. Her lips were pressed up against Whitney’s and she was gently, softly, but most definitely kissing her back. As Whitney dared to lift a hand to Yolanda’s cheek, Yolanda actually trembled. Whitney opened her eyes a slit to take a peek at Yolanda’s face. Yes, her face was right up against her and her eyes were closed, her lips parted. This was happening. So maybe Yolanda wasn’t as straight as she claimed?
Whitney had no idea what to think. She resolved to not think. She would just close her eyes, enjoy the fireworks, and draw this perfect moment out for as long as possible.
She ran her fingers along the back of Yolanda’s neck, then, kissing her harder, went to twist them through her hair. She only felt the silkiness of that long black ponytail for a moment before Yolanda pulled away.
Yolanda’s mouth hung slightly open and she panted as if she had just run a race. The look in her eyes was wild, tormented.
Whitney started to say something. She didn’t even know what. But Yolanda had already swung the door open until it jolted at its limit.
“Bye,” Yolanda said. She got out of the car, took a few quick steps and then practically ran for her front door.
Whitney sat in stunned silence as she watched Yolanda fumble for her keys and quickly slam the door behind her. What had just happened?
She put the car into gear and pulled away from the house. She fucked up again. That’s what happened.
She had been way, way out of line to kiss Yolanda. Instinct or not, she knew Yolanda wasn’t into her like that. The fact that Yolanda had kissed her back meant absolutely nothing. She had probably done that out of shock. Yolanda had been perfectly clear that she wasn’t into Whitney as anything more than a friend. Now she wasn’t even going to be that.
Whitney jabbed at the radio, turning it off with one click. By the time she got home, she had worked herself into a frenzy. Why hadn’t she respected what Yolanda told her? She was doing the same thing the people had done to Yolanda all her life, except she was worse. She had practically forced that kiss on her. No wonder Yolanda had run out like that.
Whitney went up to her apartment and looked at the dog who jumped up and put her paws on her thigh. What would Valentine think if she could understand what she had done? Whitney suspected she would be disappointed in her, too.
The dog barked softly, as happy as always. She seemed to be trying to cheer Whitney up, but that was a hopeless task. Whitney wondered what it would be like at work from now on. Yolanda would probably avoid her entirely, and she would deserve it.
Their walk was quick. Once Valentine had done her business, Whitney tugged on her leash and took her home. In the living room, she grabbed her juggling balls out of the dresser drawer. She didn’t even take her shoes off before throwing the first ball in the air. The second joined it, then the third. She stood with her teeth gritted, tossing one after another into the air.
One, two, three, one, two, three… The balls landed in her hand with satisfying smacks, then flew up again. Whitney juggled with unerring accuracy, feeling more like a machine than a human. She was still thinking about Yolanda, though. She caught the first three balls, holding them all in on
e hand, and grabbed two more.
Juggling five balls took even more concentration, and she was forced to stop thinking about her fuck-up for a moment. She tossed the balls higher, giving herself more time before she had to catch the next one. With five in the air, she had to juggle even faster.
Valentine barked at her side, looking up at her with curious brown eyes. Whitney let the balls fall into her hands just long enough to give her a pat on the head. It seemed to reassure the dog that she was okay. She straightened again, determined to juggle until she felt better. She was already getting there.
After tossing the first three balls into the air as usual, she sent the fourth flying behind her and caught it from between her legs. She juggled the balls behind her back for a few minutes, then began to toss them higher into the air until they reached just shy of the ceiling.
She couldn’t help breaking into a smile. It was impossible to feel bad while doing these tricks. Even at a time like this, she had to admit they were fun.
The motion of the balls left her unable to think about much else, and she must have juggled for close to an hour before finally setting the balls down. She was out of breath, exhausted, but she felt better.
Maybe she had lost her chance to be Yolanda’s friend again. At least her juggling balls would never let her down.
Fifteen
After wandering restlessly around the house for most of the day, Yolanda got on her bike in the afternoon. She sat astride it for a moment, hesitating even though she knew this trip was necessary.
Jessie ran out onto the doorstep, her little face full of curiosity. “Where are you going, Mama? Can’t I come with you?”
“Not now, sweetheart,” Yolanda said. “Mama has to go talk to another grown-up.”
It took about half an hour to get to Rochelle’s place, where she locked her bike outside. She probably should have called in advance, but they had shown up unannounced at each other’s places often enough back in college. Besides, the texts had been flying fast between them for a couple of hours last night. Yolanda expected that she would already be on Rochelle’s mind.
She got off the bike and locked it. Rochelle’s boyfriend Greg opened the door, his surprise obvious. Rochelle was behind him, and he moved aside to let them talk.
Yolanda’s face was tight as she looked at Rochelle. “Nice day, huh? Thought I’d go for a ride.”
“Sure,” Rochelle said. “Come on in.” Yolanda followed her into the living room, where Rochelle switched on the TV. A rerun of the Game of Thrones episode from the night before was on. “You seen this yet?” Rochelle asked.
As they sat down, Yolanda pretended to care. “I’ve never watched this. What’s happening?”
“Winter is coming.”
“Hmm.”
Yolanda stared at the screen, understanding nothing of the fantastical landscape in front of her. She had the sense that Rochelle was only half-paying attention, too. The two of them sat in silence for a few minutes. Yolanda felt incapable of opening up the conversation again. She was too nervous about what she was going to have to say. Her heart beat a little faster as she thought about bringing up the subject she was here to talk about.
She leaned against the couch, flipping her long ponytail over her shoulder after it caught behind her. “So, about what we were texting about…”
“When? Last night?”
“Yeah.” Yolanda stopped there, unwilling to say anything further.
For better or for worse, Rochelle went ahead with it. “Why did you suddenly want to talk about that? Normally you avoid that conversation as much as you can.”
“That girl asking me to dance got to me,” Yolanda said, staring again at the TV screen. “You know, when we were at the club.”
“It didn’t seem like that big a deal. Girls have made moves on you before.”
“I know. But she kept apologizing for it afterwards. It made me feel… weird.”
“If you aren’t into her, then she should understand.”
“She did,” Yolanda said, remembering all too well how Whitney had understood. “That’s not the issue.”
“What is the issue?”
Yolanda dropped her gaze, wishing she could melt into that couch. She couldn’t believe she was about to admit this out loud. “I kissed a girl,” she whispered.
Rochelle held up the remote, and the TV went mute. “You finally kissed a girl?”
“What do you mean, finally?”
Rochelle shook her head, excitement on her face. Funny, Yolanda had expected surprise or disgust. “What happened? How was it?”
While Yolanda wasn’t about to tell her what had happened, she had to tell the truth about the second part of that question. Fighting the urge to bite a nail, she said, “It was amazing.”
She shot a glance over at Rochelle from the corner of her eye, still expecting her to be angry or kick her out. Instead, her friend was grinning.
Yolanda rushed to modify her statement anyway. “I’m sure it’s only because I haven’t kissed anyone in so long. I could’ve kissed a brick wall, and it would have felt amazing.”
Rochelle shook her head. “Do you really think that?”
“Of course I do. It’s been years since I’ve dated. I forgot what a kiss even felt like.”
“Okay, well, tell me how this happened.”
Yolanda gave a shortened version of the story, and Rochelle gaped at her. “So it was the same girl from the club?”
Cringing, Yolanda nodded.
“So there’s something there.”
“No. There’s just the fact that I haven’t been out with anyone in so long.”
Rochelle rolled her eyes. “Or maybe you like this girl.”
“I think I would know if I was into women by now. It’s not like I’ve never thought about it. People shove it in my face at every possible opportunity.”
“Like I told you…”
“We don’t have to go over that again. I have a daughter!”
“Which proves nothing,” Rochelle said, shaking her head again. “Like I told you over text, plenty of gay people have children. You just said yourself that you haven’t dated since she was born. Why do you think that is?”
Yolanda looked at her friend as if she was stupid. “Because of her. I’m a mother. I don’t have time.”
“Truman has done fine,” Rochelle said. “He managed to date and even get married while having equal custody of Jessie. You’re not even a single mom, and plenty of single moms find time to date.”
On the screen, an armored man swung a sword. Yolanda sighed, wishing they could turn the volume on and have a normal conversation. This was getting more awkward by the second, and she wondered why she had even come over here.
“I don’t think having Jessie is why you haven’t dated,” Rochelle continued quietly. “And I just want to tell you again, I’m fine with it if you’re gay. I don’t think there’s a single person in your life who would care if you were.”
“I’m not,” Yolanda said. But her voice held less conviction than it normally did when she said the familiar words.
“Whatever you say,” Rochelle said, reaching over to pat her knee. Yolanda stared at her hand, painfully aware that she was touching her. Rochelle did nothing for her, but if Whitney were to do that exact same thing, Yolanda couldn’t have promised that she wouldn’t be affected.
“I’m not exactly sure,” she said softly.
“You don’t have to be sure,” Rochelle said. “Think about it. It looks like you have someone amazing who’s interested in you. That’s always a good thing.”
“What do I do?” Yolanda’s throat was tight, and her gaze was in her lap.
“You have to decide that for yourself,” Rochelle said, her sympathy clear in her voice. “I can’t do that for you. But it looks like you’ve met someone pretty great.”
Yolanda sighed and looked at her watch. “It’s almost six. I have to leave.”
“Where are you going?”
&nb
sp; “I… I have to meet that girl.”
Rochelle’s eyes widened. “Like a date?”
“No! It’s a work thing.”
“Sure it is,” Rochelle said with a laugh. “Have fun.”
Yolanda would normally have told her friend off for what she was implying, but at the moment, she was too nervous. She headed to her bike and rode over to the area where they had agreed to meet.
When she got there, Whitney was already on the corner, the stack of posters and roll of tape in hand. Yolanda rushed up to her, her breath catching at how good Whitney looked.
She had on her usual vest and white shirt, as well as a pair of sunglasses Yolanda hadn’t seen before. She looked like she had just stepped out of the pages of a magazine. Yolanda thought she looked even better than usual, but she was also relieved when Whitney pushed the glasses up onto her head so Yolanda could see her eyes.
“Hey,” she said, wishing she had thought harder about what she was going to say. “I’m sorry I rushed off last night.”
Whitney looked at her in surprise. “That’s fine. I caught you off guard.”
Despite the awkwardness, Yolanda could see the humor in the situation. “Just a little bit.”
“Look, I’m so sorry for kissing you. I didn’t mean to do that.”
Yolanda tensed at the reminder, feeling the pressure of Whitney’s lips all over again. It was all too easy to remember. “That’s okay. I mean, I…” She trailed off, not knowing what she had meant to say. It wasn’t really okay. Then again, she had kind of enjoyed it. “You don’t need to apologize.”
“I wasn’t completely sure if you were going to come tonight,” Whitney said, looking at her out of the corner of her eye. “I was ready to put these things up by myself.”
“That’s definitely not necessary.” Yolanda took the stack of flyers. “We’ll do as many as we can in the next couple hours. Whatever’s left, well… maybe we can just throw them out.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Whitney said with a blinding grin.
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