by Shayla Black
“They can’t stand each other.”
“They got along well enough before you. Did you know that?” Hammer asked, brow raised.
Really? She couldn’t picture that at all. “No.”
“It’s not impossible they’ll remember it…eventually.” Liam shrugged. “We did.”
Hammer nodded. “And if they don’t, we’ll be happy to smack their heads together for you.”
Would that even matter? She might be able to steal a few more hours with Beck and Seth today or tomorrow, maybe even the day after. But realistically, she was living moment-to-moment and hand-to-mouth while dreading the inevitable fall of the shoe that terrified her every day. Did she have the time or energy to commit to even one man, much less two? Gosh, she was already drowning in responsibility. The thought of taking on more almost had her breaking. She constantly made life-and-death decisions for her father, knowing if she got it wrong it might be fatal. Adding on more responsibility, like husbands or babies… She’d been thinking first love, not a future where her heart tied her down before she ever lived even one day for herself.
“I think…it’s not fair for me to be with either one.” And saying that out loud was like a blade to her chest.
“Hang on,” Hammer said. “I’m sure it feels that way because this is all new and overwhelming to you, but do you understand that you hold all the power? Tell those two boneheads to pull their heads out of their asses and get along. See where you three go from there.”
If she didn’t already have total and utter responsibility on her shoulders for another human being who needed every moment of her attention and deserved every shred of her devotion, Hammer might be right. If she didn’t have dreams and yearnings to see the world and live her life to the fullest, she might agree. But she did. And staying with either was unfair to them both.
Liam leaned in and took her hand. “If you can’t be all in with them, perhaps it’s best to bow out.”
Before she hurt Beck and Seth more. Gosh, Liam really could read her thoughts. It was eerie, but she had the feeling he alone understood.
Hammer turned to him. “What the fuck, man?”
“Liam?” Raine blinked at him as if he’d lost his mind.
“Thank you very much for listening and offering your wisdom. I should go.” Heavenly stood, then reached for her friend’s hand. “Don’t get up on my account. Rest. I’ll call you later.”
Raine’s phone buzzed again. She picked it up and read with great interest. A sneaking suspicion that Raine was up to something swirled in her belly. Then Raine darted a pointed glance to Hammer, obviously trying to silently convey something. When Hammer didn’t get it, she turned to Liam, who rose.
Then someone started pounding on the front door.
Heavenly gasped, then turned on Raine. “Please tell me that’s not Beck or Seth.”
“Okay, it’s not Beck or Seth.” Raine grimaced. “It’s both of them. They’re worried about you, and you seem so upset. I thought if you talked it out…”
Hammer leaned closer to her. “Meddling again, precious?”
“Helping.” Raine turned to Heavenly. “Sorry.”
Pressing a hand to her roiling stomach, Heavenly stared. Her friend meant well, and normally Raine would be right…but now that Heavenly realized, regardless of how much she cared for them, that everything between them was impossible, she had no choice.
But she wasn’t ready to face them.
Tears burned her eyes. Knowing she had to hurt them now broke her heart into a million pieces.
Liam’s footsteps told her he was quickly reaching the front door. She had seconds to prepare some words, try to help Beck and Seth understand that she couldn’t be anyone else’s caretaker, that she wasn’t ready to be anyone’s wife or mother. Even asking them to slow down wouldn’t alter the fact they wanted something she’d never even fathomed. If she explained all that, they’d probably shower her with more words and effort and caring and everything that wouldn’t change reality.
This had to be the end.
“Come on.” Hammer helped Raine to her feet. “Let’s let these three talk.”
Raine squeezed her hand and murmured, “Call me” before they left the room.
Behind Heavenly, Liam opened the door. Voices mumbled low questions. She felt eyes on her and froze. But her thoughts raced. Every cell in her body dreaded what had to come next.
They drew closer. She closed her eyes, tears squeezing from the corners.
Two sets of footsteps ate up the distance between the door and her side. Suddenly, warmth surrounded her. A soft hand cupped her chin, lifting gently but firmly.
“Don’t cry, little girl.” Beck. He thumbed away the tears that scalded her cheeks.
“We pulled a couple of stupid pranks, angel. We never meant to upset you.” Seth took her hand.
“I know. They’re not important anymore.” And they weren’t in the face of everything else. But she couldn’t seem to gather the words to say good-bye. She didn’t want to. The moment she did…no more flirting or kissing or adventures or first experiences. Worse, no more them.
Her chest bucked with a sob.
“Angel, damn it. Open your eyes.”
“We need to see you,” Beck added softly.
She bit her lip. Shivered. Their comfort was beautiful and terrible. It twisted her up inside. But those voices compelled her to comply. She couldn’t put off the inevitable.
Heavenly blinked, lashes fluttering open, and managed to make it across the room on shaking legs. When they followed, she held up her hands to ward them off. “I need to know… Does what we have mean more to you than a good time? Are either of you planning a future with me?”
“Hell yes.” Beck didn’t hesitate. “I never meant to make you question that. The donkey didn’t have anything to do with you.”
Seth frowned. “I want you in my life permanently, angel. I thought I’d made that clear.”
So Hammer and Liam had been right. And she’d been too damn naive to see it.
Heavenly wrapped her arms around herself and hung her head. What a fool. That buried the knife deeper in the chest. How could she tell them that she’d finally realized how much they meant to her at the same time she told them she couldn’t give them what they needed?
“What future did you see?” Beck asked cautiously, watching her intently and lingering in her personal space, as if afraid to let her get too far away.
That would change soon enough, and it was breaking her heart.
“Today everything is finally clear. I…” She shook her head. “I’ve loved every minute I’ve spent with you both. You’ve opened my eyes, shown me things, made me feel things. Because of you, I’ve smiled and had something to look forward to. And I wish I had more to give you. But I…” More tears fell. “I don’t. I can’t. There’s no future.” Her chest ached, and Heavenly wondered if she’d ever be the same. When Raine had asked her a while ago if she loved them, she hadn’t been sure. Now, Heavenly knew the answer. “I have to go.”
She whirled for the door, but Beck wrapped his fingers around her elbow and pulled her back to face him. The shock and pain flaring in his dark eyes and across his furrowed brow stabbed her with regret. Gosh, the thought of not seeing his face every day, of not sitting across from him at lunch, of never hearing his laugh or feeling his mouth on hers…
“Wait. I don’t know what you think we expect from you, but let’s sit down and talk.”
“Why do you think there’s no future?” Seth demanded. “Talk to us.”
She had no explanations left to give them. Telling them about her father, her dire circumstances, her problems, would only mire them down. They might even try to help. They were kind like that. But she didn’t need meddling or good intentions. These responsibilities were all hers.
“There’s nothing more to say,” Heavenly choked out as Seth stuck a fist in her hair and forced her gaze to his. His image blurred through her tears, but there was no way she
couldn’t see his confusion and hurt. And it gutted her. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say you’re sorry. Tell us what’s wrong. If you’re not upset about the pranks, then what?” he went on. When she didn’t answer, determination stamped his face. “I won’t just let you leave when you’re the reason for everything good in my life. That’s why I moved here, started again.”
“Y-you moved?” She hadn’t realized that, and guilt wracked her even harder. “I thought you’d just come back to help your friends and…”
But he’d returned again after the end of Hammer’s troubles. And he had an apartment. Why hadn’t she pieced that together?
“I came back this time for you,” Seth reiterated. “Whatever you’re thinking, I’m not expecting you to do anything to please me except be yourself.”
“You can’t leave.” Beck gripped her shoulders and pulled her against his body. She couldn’t not meet his stare. “I need you.”
Her heart thudded harder toward its slow, painful death.
“Don’t. Please. Just…” More tears fell before she could stop them as she shrugged free. “Let go.”
As she ran for the door to leave before she fell apart, Liam stepped into her path. “I’ve called you a taxi, little one. It’s already paid for, and he’ll take you wherever you want to go.”
She searched his kind face. He really could read her mind, and for once she was grateful. “Thank you.”
As Heavenly opened the door, she knew she shouldn’t…but she couldn’t stop herself from looking over her shoulder at the two men she’d fallen hard for, who stared back at her, their faces utterly destroyed.
“I’m sorry.” She choked on her words, on regret.
Then she was gone.
As the door closed behind Heavenly with a final click, all the air left the room. Beck dropped into the nearest chair and lowered his head into his hands. The guilt he’d been feeling when he’d arrived had given way to shock and devastation. The sound of her voice, cracked and filled with pain… And her fucking tears. Why?
Beside him, Seth slid onto the sofa, looking equally stunned and flattened. “What the hell just happened?”
“I have no idea.” Beck shook his head. “If this had nothing to do with the pranks, what did we do?”
Seth just shook his head.
“I’m sorry. Even I didn’t see this coming.” Liam sauntered into the room. “We were talking, and she seemed all right, if a little perturbed. Then Raine asked her about her feelings. Heavenly loves you, more than she realizes. She said so…but something turned in her head. I don’t know what. I do know she’s making a mistake and my warning stands. The looming darkness is already tearing her away. If you want her back, you’ll have to peel her open now.”
Beck whirled on him. “How about you speak English? And how the fuck did you think we’d peel her open after you put her in a goddamn cab and let her get away?”
Seth ignored him and turned to Liam. “What is she hiding?”
“You think that has something to do with why she left us?” Beck demanded.
“Every instinct I have after eight years as a cop tells me yes.”
Liam nodded. “If it helps at all, the decision tore her apart. I could feel her agony over the fact that she’s not ready for the future. But I can’t tell you why.”
“Can’t?” Seth challenged. “Or won’t?”
“It’s all the same.” Liam gave them a regretful shrug. “I know you’ve been loath to work together, but I think it’s time you compared notes. We’ll be upstairs. Help yourself to the scotch in Hammer’s office.”
“There’s scotch in his office, too,” Macen called from the top of the stairs. “It’s the good Irish shit.”
“Raine all right?” Liam murmured as he walked up.
“Upset. She could use you…”
The guys disappeared, and a door in a far corner of the house shut.
Suddenly, Beck was alone with Seth, his questions, and a mountain of regret. Scotch sounded good about now. Numbly, he made his way into Hammer’s study, poured a couple of stiff drinks, then returned to find Seth staring at his phone. He set a glass down in front of the PI. “I can’t let her go like this, especially if she loves us.”
Seth shook his head. “I can’t, either. Something is definitely wrong.”
Beck frowned. “A lot of things are wrong. How do we start figuring out what she might be hiding?”
Seth lifted his drink and knocked it back in one swallow. “Well, what do we know?”
Beck knew her smile. He knew her scent. He knew how much she liked adventure and new experiences. He knew whatever had caused her to leave them today had crushed her. “Not much. She’ll be twenty-three in a couple of weeks. She’s a nursing student. She came from Wisconsin. She likes cheese curds and mint chip ice cream.”
Seth sighed. “How about something useful? Middle name? Social security number? Place of birth? Something I can search.”
Right. Beck backtracked, mentally raking through every conversation he’d ever had with Heavenly. “Nothing. She almost never talked about herself.”
Snorting, Seth shook his head. “Every time I asked her questions about herself, she would change the subject or leave.”
“Are you shitting me?” He sipped his drink. “What is she hiding? What do people usually hide? Lovers? She doesn’t have one.”
“She doesn’t,” Seth agreed. “Crimes, but she seems wholly incapable of breaking the law. I don’t think she’s a missing person or in witness protection. Did she ever mention her parents?”
“Only that she hadn’t seen her mother in years and she didn’t have any siblings.” Beck sighed. “Don’t you know anything about her? You’re a PI.”
“I dated her; I didn’t investigate her. And I’m coming to realize that you two talked way more.”
Now wasn’t the time to worry about what Seth had been doing to Heavenly if they hadn’t been talking. “Do you know where she lives? She never would let me pick her up for a date.”
“Same. Do you know where she’s waitressing?”
“Some kids’ pizza place.”
“That’s basically what she told me, too,” Seth said. “Know which one? Must be more than a couple in LA.”
Probably dozens. Fuck. She’d wanted privacy, and he’d respected that. Now he felt like an idiot. “No idea.”
Seth cursed. “Does she have any friends at the hospital she might have confided in?”
“None. Raine is probably the best friend she has, and if the princess knew something important she would have told us by now.”
“You’re right.” Seth gouged his thumb and forefinger into his eyes. “This is supposed to be my job, and I’m so fucking shell-shocked, it’s like I can’t move.”
“Me, too.” Beck sighed. “I can try talking Nurse Lewis into letting me see Heavenly’s records. All volunteers have to fill out paperwork and undergo a background check.”
“Do that. I’ll run a few searches with the information I’ve got. I can also follow her, see where she leads me…” He lifted his head and speared Beck with a glance. “If we don’t figure out what she’s hiding, how can we ease her fears about the future? We don’t know what they are.”
“We can’t. Obviously, we were too distracted by our dicks to ask important questions.”
“She didn’t just distract my dick; she distracted all of me—my head, my heart…”
Beck nodded. “I don’t know about you, but for me, part of her allure was her innocence. I started with good intentions, took everything so slow. Then I was afraid I’d lose her. I got caught up in the competition. And I lost sight of how quickly her inexperience might overwhelm her.”
“I didn’t even consider that. I just dove in.” Seth sighed. “The one thing we should have learned from helping Hammer and Liam with Raine was to put Heavenly’s feelings first.”
“Right. Did you know what they were until today? I sure didn’t.”
“No. Al
l her feelings seemed obvious when she was with me, especially when I kissed her. At least I thought so…”
“Exactly. She feels something for us or she wouldn’t have left in tears.”
“People don’t get upset when it doesn’t matter,” Seth agreed. “You know, we probably wouldn’t be here if we’d acted less like jealous punks and more like Doms.”
“Yeah.” Beck nodded. “We need to share information going forward. If I learn anything from Bridget, I’ll let you know. If you find something useful, call me. Deal?”
“Deal.” He sighed, staring into his empty tumbler. “What a shitty day. It started so well, then…” He frowned and turned to Beck. “Where the fuck did you find Zelda and the sex donkey? Christ, man… Tell me she was a joke.”
Despite everything, Beck had to smile. “She’s for real, at least according to Pike.”
“You got her number from him? Now I’m really glad I punched that asshole.”
“You and me both. Actually, I wanted to high-five you for that. He deserved what you gave him.”
“Thanks.”
Silence fell. Beck stood. Was there anything left to say? “I guess…I’ll talk to you later.”
Seth set his glass aside and got to his feet, then headed for the door. “Later.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
If the weekend without Beck and Seth had been miserable, coming to the hospital on Monday morning had been even worse. She was exhausted. After a double shift at Bazookas and insomnia last night, followed by her father’s well-meaning questions this morning, Heavenly felt as if every ounce of energy and happiness had been wrung from her boneless body. She’d done the right thing in letting them go. But returning to her bleak, empty world after they’d shown her romance and awakened the woman inside her was annihilating her. With them, she’d crossed boundaries, been brave, felt more excitement than she’d ever dared to imagine. She’d actually had something besides duty to live for.
Now it was all gone. Everything was gray again.
Would being committed to them be so terrible? the devil on her shoulder asked.
After all, look at Raine.