“We’ll be fine here, won’t we, pretty girl?” I ask Xael. She looks up at me, already eating. I give him a thumbs up. “Go. But I’m next,” I warn. “I smell gross.”
He chuckles and smacks a kiss on my cheek. “I’ll be quick, promise.”
He bounds up the stairs and Xael and I are left alone.
I brush my finger over her cheek and she hums. I keep staring at her, amazed that we created this tiny perfect thing. I kiss the top of her head and she reaches for my hair. I give her my finger instead and she holds on with a surprising amount of strength.
Xander finishes his shower and since Xael’s still eating he makes us both a sandwich for lunch. I eat mine while I feed her. Something tells me I’m going to be doing that a lot from now on.
Xael finally finishes eating and after I’m done with my sandwich I transfer her to Xander’s arms. She wiggles around on his chest, getting comfortable.
I hate leaving her, even for a second, but I need a shower. I can barely stand smelling myself.
I wash my hair and scrub my body.
Cleaning myself makes me feel loads better. I change into a pair of yoga pants and a tank top, letting my hair dry on its own.
I pad downstairs quietly in case the baby is sleeping and I smile when I enter the family room and find that Xander’s fallen asleep on the couch and Xael’s asleep on his chest. I grab my phone and snap a photo, knowing it’s something I don’t want to forget. Our baby sleeping on Xander’s chest is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.
I make myself a cup of decaf coffee and move around the kitchen as quietly as I can.
I get a text from Nova saying that they’re bringing Prue back so I head to the front to watch for them so I can let them in.
They arrive and I push the button to open the gate and let them up the driveway. I unlock the front door and open it, which makes the security system beep.
“Thea?” Xander calls out sleepily.
“I’m letting Jace and Nova in,” I explain.
He pads into the room carrying Xael, his hair sticking up everywhere.
Prue comes running into the house then, Jace and Nova behind her.
“Hey, girl.” I bend down to pet her. She licks my face and then goes to smell Xander’s feet.
Jace and Nova come in, so I close the door behind them.
“How long have you guys been home?” Nova asks.
“Not long.” I shrug. “Maybe an hour or two.”
Xander bends down, introducing Prue to the baby. She smells her and wags her tail and then runs over to her toy box. Xander stands and shrugs.
“I guess Prue doesn’t care,” he chuckles.
“Can I hold the baby?” Jace asks, holding out his arms.
Xander shrugs. “Sure.” He hands her over.
Jace holds her delicately, like he’s afraid if he breathes on her he’ll break her. His face splits into a grin and he rocks her. He smiles over at Nova. “I’d like to place an order for one of these.”
Nova is clearly taken aback by his words. “We’ll talk later,” she says.
Xander and I exchange a look. I’m not sure the world is ready for Jace babies, but neither of us says anything.
Jace and Nova end up hanging out for the next hour until Xander’s mom and dad shows up. They leave then so the grandparents can have a moment with the baby.
Sarah is completely enamored with the baby, and Cooper is too.
I think it’s safe to say that Xael is the most loved baby ever … but I’m sure all parents think that.
The day fades into evening and Sarah and Cooper leave.
Xander makes dinner and I tend to the baby. We begin to fall into an easy pattern, and I’m surprised at how well we’re adapting to parent life.
After dinner we’re both tired so we head up to bed.
With a baby.
This is crazy.
I fix Xael in her rocker bassinet in our room and she cries at leaving my arms.
“I hate it when she cries,” Xander confesses.
“Me too,” I murmur, watching her. “It breaks my heart.”
Xael flails her arms, and cries. We both stand back and watch her, ready to grab her if we need to. After a couple minutes her cries quiet and she falls asleep.
I smile at Xander and give him a high five.
I’m sure the quiet is short-lived, but I’m learning to revel in the good moments when we have them.
Xander and I climb into bed and turn the lights off. I snuggle against his chest and he runs his fingers through my hair.
It isn’t long until I fall asleep listening to the soft sounds of Xael’s breaths.
I wake up a short time later, jolting awake and running over to make sure she’s breathing.
“Thea?” Xander asks sleepily. “What are you doing?”
“I had to check on her,” I explain. “I was worried.”
I count her breaths, pleased every time her little chest rises and falls.
“Thea, come back to bed,” he pleads.
“Just a minute,” I beg.
I count her breaths for a solid minute before climbing back into bed.
“You can’t be so paranoid,” Xander warns me.
“I know.” I frown. “It’s hard being a new mom.”
“It’s hard being a new dad,” he echoes. “But we’ll do it, one day at a time.”
He brushes his lips softly over my forehead and I force my eyes closed.
It isn’t long until I fall asleep again.
Xander
Two weeks.
Thea and I have managed to survive two full weeks as parents.
It’s hard as fuck, that’s for sure, but I love being a dad. I love it more than I thought I would, and I know that as she gets older that love is only going to grow with all the things I can teach her.
“I don’t want to leave her,” Thea confesses, as she puts on her makeup. She watches me in the mirror where I hold the baby, rocking Xael back and forth.
“My mom wants to watch her, and we need a break. It’s a win-win,” I reason. “We’ll just do dinner and be right back. We’ll be gone an hour, two at the most,” I tell her.
I don’t want to leave Xael, either, if I’m being honest, but we’ve barely left the house these two weeks and I know we need a breather before we lose our minds.
Thea sighs, circling her lips as she applies mascara.
I smile down at Xael in my arms and she yawns. She’s always yawning. I think it’s adorable.
“Hey, cutie.” I kiss the top of her downy soft head. Her dark hair is soft against my lips.
She yawns again in response and I laugh.
Thea finishes with her makeup and moves on to her hair. She brushes through the long strands and then curls them. I bounce Xael in my arms when she stars to get cranky.
“She’s hungry,” Thea sighs, finishing her hair. “Hand her over.”
I give her Xael and she takes her, carrying her over to the bed so she can lie comfortably while she feeds her.
I’m ready, but I slip my shoes on. I dressed up, opting for a pair of nice jeans and a blue button down shirt tucked into them with a belt. Thea plans to dress up too. She has a dress laid out to put on.
“She’s not wanting to eat,” Thea complains. “Your mom might have to give her a bottle.”
“I’m sure she won’t mind a bit,” I laugh.
Thea’s been breastfeeding as much as she can, but it’s a struggle, so Xael has been having to drink from a bottle some. I know that makes Thea feel a little like a failure, but I tell her she shouldn’t feel that way at all. As long as Xael’s eating, that’s what matters, not how she gets it.
My mom arrives and Thea tries a little longer, but when she’s unsuccessful she ends up calling it quits.
We both take turns kissing the baby goodbye. It takes us a solid ten minutes to leave because we won’t stop kissing her.
We finally manage to get in the car, and I leave before either of us can ch
ange our minds.
It’s hard leaving your baby for the first time, and I’m the dad, so I can’t imagine how Thea must feel.
“You look beautiful,” I tell her, it’s the truth but I’m also hoping to distract her.
She forces a smile. “Thanks, you don’t look so bad yourself.”
I made reservations at a nicer place downtown that we haven’t been in a long time. It’s actually the place we went to on our first official date, and now it’ll be the first place we went to eat after having Xael.
We reach the restaurant and leave the car for valet parking.
I guide Thea inside with a hand on her waist. She looks uncomfortable and I know she’d much rather be home with the baby, so would I, but we need a breather and we’ll be home before we know it.
“Reservation for Kincaid,” I tell the hostess.
She smiles and grabs two menus. “This way, Mr. and Mrs. Kincaid.”
She guides us to a table in the corner. The restaurant is packed, and I asked for private, but I guess this is as private as it’s going to get.
“Would you like me to take your coats?” she asks as we shrug out of them.
“Sure,” I reply, handing her mine. She takes Thea’s as well and we sit down.
Thea picks up her menu, skimming it. She bites her lip, tapping her fingers on the table.
I can tell she’s nervous about something, but I can’t figure out what it is.
Normally, I can read her easily, but tonight, I can’t get into her head.
I furrow my brow as I watch her, trying to figure her out, but nothing is making any sense beyond her being uncomfortable about leaving the baby.
I turn my attention to the menu and our waiter comes for our drink order.
We both order water.
Thea looks at her menu like it’s the most interesting thing she’s ever encountered.
I decide what I want to order and set mine aside.
Thea decides too and lays her menu down. Our waiter comes with our waters and a basket of bread. He takes our orders before leaving again.
Thea sighs, crossing her fingers together.
I lean closer to her. “What’s on your mind, sweetheart?”
She bites her lip. “You’re going to laugh.”
“I won’t laugh,” I vow.
“You’re going to say, I told you so, then.” She frowns, tilting her head.
I shake my head, totally confused now. “You’ve lost me.”
She sighs heavily. “I don’t want to go back to work.”
She’s been on maternity leave sine a few weeks before she had Xael, and she still has time left, obviously.
“Okay,” I say slowly.
She rolls her eyes. “I don’t want to go back to work,” she repeats. “I want to quit and stay home with Xael. I know I was so anti-stay-at-home mom at first, but that was before I had her and realized … this is what I’m meant to do with my life. Being a mom is everything I was ever made to do.” She starts to tear up and my jaw drops in surprise.
“Thea,” I breathe. “Whatever you want, you know I’m on board.”
“This is what I want,” she promises. “More than anything.”
I feel proud, that her mind changed and she was adult enough to own it. Sometimes we think one way and then learn that it’s not the best. It’s okay to change your mind.
“You know I’m on board with whatever you want.”
She smiles, pleased with my answer.
I’m definitely relieved that we don’t have to look for a nanny or put Xael into daycare. Not that there aren’t plenty of good nannies and daycares, but it’s hard to think about leaving your child with a stranger.
Thea’s shoulders sag with relief at having told me. The silly girl shouldn’t have been nervous. Why would I be mad that she wants to stay home and raise our child? It’s what I wanted from the beginning. I never said anything because I didn’t want her to feel like it was forced onto her.
And if a year or so down the road she decided that she did want to go back to work, I’d support that too, because when you love someone you stand beside them and hold them up, you don’t fight them.
Marriage is all about compromise, in my opinion.
Sometimes you’re both going to be on the same page, and sometimes not, but you have to be willing to open up and see the other person’s side.
I reach across the table and take her hand, entwining our fingers together.
“I love you.” I love that girl more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone else. I think back to how I knew her when we were both only children, and how far we’ve come. We’ve been through so much, but we’re both stronger, better, people for it.
“I love you too,” she sighs happily.
Our food is brought out and we both dig in. I got a steak while she opted for a salmon salad.
Our meals have mostly consisted of things we can eat quickly while holding a baby, so most hasn’t been of the healthiest variety. So it’s nice to eat real food for a change.
Thea sits back. “Oh, no.”
“What?” I ask around a mouthful of food.
She looks down and I slowly follow her gaze watching as her boobs leak.
“Shit, oh, no.” She bites her lip, looking at me with panic in her eyes.
I don’t have my coat, since they took it when we sat down.
She begins to cry, which draws more attention than her leaking boobs.
I can tell she embarrassed and uncomfortable, so I stand up and start stripping out of my shirt. I don’t have anything on underneath, but my wife is uncomfortable and I’ll be damned if I keep letting her feel that way.
I undo all the buttons and once I have it off I help her put it on, pulling it around her chest.
“Thank you,” she mouths, wiping at her eyes.
She looks around at the people staring and then averts her eyes to her food.
“There’s nothing to see here,” I bite out to the staring people.
I sit down and Thea raises her eyes to mine. “You’re the best.”
“I didn’t do anything special, sweetheart.”
We finish our meal in peace, and I’m surprised. It’s a nice restaurant so I expected them to kick me out for my strip show.
When we collect our coats, Thea gives me my shirt back. The ring of milk has dried on her dress. I’m not sure it’ll come out, but what do I know?
Thea zips up her coat and we wait for the car to be brought around.
Once inside, I expect her to want to go straight home, but instead she surprises me by saying, “Can we get McFlurryies?”
“We can get anything you want sweetheart.”
There’s a McDonald’s not too far, so I head there.
“I’ll let your mom know we’ll be home soon,” Thea tells me, fiddling with her phone.
Her phone dings. “Aw, she sent me a picture of Xael. She’s sleeping in her bouncer and Prue has her head on her feet.”
Prue has taken surprisingly well to Xael. I thought she’d be fine, but I didn’t expect her to love her so much. I think Prue thinks she’s a helpless, hairless puppy.
When I pull into the McDonald’s drive-thru line, Thea shows me the photo and I grin.
“My girls,” I whisper.
The urge to get home is nearly overwhelming. I just want to get home so I can hug and kiss her and tell her goodnight.
I made a vow with myself that no matter what, no matter where I am, every night I’ll say goodnight to my daughter.
I place an order for our ice cream and move forward in line.
I get to the window and pay, and then to the next window to actually get our ice cream.
Normally, we’d park and eat it, but tonight Thea says, “Can we wait and eat this at home?”
“You read my mind, sweetheart.”
I head home, and when I pull into the garage Thea’s out of the car before it’s in park.
I grab our ice cream and head in after h
er.
I find her bent over Xael in the rocker, kissing the top of her head.
“Thanks, Mom.” I kiss my mom on the cheek.
“She was a perfect angel.”
“Did she take her bottle?” Thea asks.
“Like a champ.”
I set our ice cream on the counter and go to look at Xael. I smile when she wiggles in her sleep, kicking her little feet. I bend and kiss her head. I’m always amazed at how soft and fine her black hair is.
“I hope you guys had fun,” my mom says, squeezing Thea’s hand. “I’ll head out. I’m tired.”
“Thanks for doing this, Mom.” I kiss her cheek again and she smiles. “I’ll walk you out.”
I head outside with her to her car. There’s a small dusting of snow on the ground, but not much, thankfully.
“I love you,” she tells me. “I’ll see you later.”
“Bye.” I wave, watching her slip into the car.
I head inside and find Thea with Xael in her arms, waiting to go upstairs.
Prue runs up ahead of us and I take the baby from Thea while she changes and cleans up. She then takes the baby from me so I can do the same.
When I come out of the bathroom I find her in bed with Xael, and the baby’s awake, feeding.
I lie in the bed, stretching out, watching my girls.
Xael looks around as she eats. Always the curious one.
I lean over and kiss her head.
“Goodnight,” I murmur.
It’s just one night, among many, but they all matter.
Thea
Four months later
It’s been one whole year since I found out I was pregnant.
That’s crazy to me.
So much has changed in that year.
For starters, I got pregnant, then I got a job, we bought a second house, a new car, had the baby, I decided to quit my job, and all the other little things in-between. It’s been one wild ride, but if I could do it over again I wouldn’t change a thing. Not one minute of it.
I’m learning that life doesn’t give us more than we can handle, and sometimes what we think is impossible is exactly what we need.
I didn’t want a baby.
I didn’t think I was cut out to be a mom.
When Constellations Form (Light in the Dark Book 4) Page 28