by Louise Welsh
'Hey, hold on.' I touched her shoulder and Sylvie twisted back towards me on cue, as if we’d been rehearsing for weeks. 'What about if I were to offer you…’ I leaned forward and snapped three 100 euro notes from somewhere behind her ear. It was the kind of cheap move a half-cut uncle could manage after a good Christmas dinner, but for the first time that night I got a round of applause.
It’s hard to convey the look that Sylvie gave me. A smile that acknowledged we were in this together and a glint of sympathy cut through with something else, an urge to please the audience that might amount to recklessness.
'Yes,' she said in her cool, who-gives-a-fuck stage voice. 'Yes, that might make a difference.'
I slid the money into the envelope alongside the maligned picture and sealed it tight.
'Now, Sylvie, examine these envelopes for me please.' I passed all three to her. 'Are they identical?'
She took her time, turning each one over in her hand, scrutinising their seals, drawing her fingers across their edges. At last she turned and nodded.
'Yes, they’re the same.'
'Now…’ I feinted a soft black velvet hood into my hands. 'How do you feel about a little S&M?'
Sylvie made a shocked face and someone in the audience whooped.
Sylvie’s fingers were strong as she secured the hood over my head. She tied the cord in a bow at the nape of my neck, then smoothed her fingertips over my face, pressing them against my eyelids for a second. I felt the prickle of total darkness and breathed in the faint peppery mustiness that the velvet bag always held, pulling the fabric towards me as I inhaled, letting my masked features appear beneath the velvet.
'I want you to take these envelopes and shuffle them in any way you wish.' The audience laughed. I wondered what she was doing and asked, 'All done?'
'Yes.'
'Now, I’m going to ask you which envelope the money is in. You can lie, you can tell me the truth, or, if you choose to be a very unkind girl, you can keep silent. The choice is yours.'
The audience were quiet, willing my destruction. 'OK, Sylvie, I want you to present me with each of the envelopes in turn. But because I can’t see anything you’re going to have to provide me with a commentary, so name them please as you hold them up. Let’s call them…
’ I hesitated as if thinking hard. 'Number one, number two and number three. OK, in your own time.'
Sylvie waited a beat, then in a loud, clear voice said, 'Number one.'
I lifted my head, breathing in again, hoping my covered features looked blunt and dignified, like an Easter Island statue.
'Is it in this one?'
I waited. Sylvie didn’t respond.
'Ah, I thought you might be one of those girls who like to torture men.'
No one in the audience would have noticed, but Sylvie gave a short intake of breath.
She recovered quickly and said in her calm, even voice.
'Number two.'
'Is it in this one?'
This time she answered me.
'No.'
'Aha, you’re not an easy girl to work out, Sylvie. I’ve got a suspicion that you might be rather good at lying.'
The stage was so quiet that I might have been standing there alone. I felt the warmth of my own breath inside the bag, then Sylvie said, 'Number three.'
I waited. This time it was my silence that ruled the stage.
'OK, if I’m wrong you go off with a week’s wages. Is it in this one?'
There was an instant’s hesitation and then Sylvie answered me.
'No.'
It was the hesitation that told me. I took my chance, snatching the hood off then grabbing the final envelope, ripping it in two and drawing out the money and the photo.
The audience applauded and I raised my voice above their clapping, 'Thank you Sylvie, you’ve been a wonderful assistant. People from Scotland have a reputation for being mean, but it’s a cruel slur and to prove it I’m going to make sure that you don’t go off empty-handed.'
I presented her with the photograph of the crown jewels. Sylvie held it close to her head and bowed prettily to the audience. We exchanged a quick kiss, and then I watched her slim figure descend into the darkness and the applauding audience beyond.
I thought that would be the last I saw of her.
Glasgow
THE PAST IS like an aged Rottweiler. Ignore it and it’ll most likely leave you alone.
Stare into its eyes and it’ll jump up and bite you. It was no more than coincidence that an old face came out of the darkness, but it felt that by living half in the past I had invoked old times to slip from the shadows.
I’d decided not to favour one bar above the rest. Glasgow’s got a hostelry on every street corner and a fair few in between, so why confine yourself to one pishy pub when you have the choice of plenty? I’d long been a travelling man so I travelled from one shop to the next, moving on before I could be hailed and hassled by any Jimmy/Bobby/Davie deadbeat who lived his life propped against the bar. I was a sailor on drink’s high seas, while they were merely landlubbers.
I favoured places with no mission other than to empty your pockets, fill you full of bile and kick you into the street at closing time. I had no time for quizzes and karaoke, pub grub and Sky Sports. Anything more entertaining than a puggy machine and I was out of there.
I had thrown my noose a little wider that night. From the outside it looked like my kind of place, trad dad, no theme, no music, no enthusiastic throng of patrons slapping each other on the back or measuring up for square goes.
The illusion hung together when I went inside. The only decorations were drink advertisements, but my radar should have gone on alert: they were for long-abandoned classic campaigns — My Goodness, My Guinness; Martini & Rosso; Black and White Whisky — there was even a green fairy sparking out of a cup under the power of absinthe.
The bar was a square island in the centre of the space. I was pushing the boat out. It was my third pub, fourth pint. I was going to make a night of it. See if I could get to the point where I’d lost count.
I kept my head down, my attention caught by the red carpet, busy with an abstract design which seemed to shift out of focus then arrange itself into a mosaic of grinning devils. I wondered what other people saw in the pattern. Flowers? Vast cities? Angelic girls?
The thought preoccupied me and I’d approached the bar before I realised this wasn’t the kind of place I’d thought it was.
The revelation lay in the beers. As well as the compulsory piss-poor Tennents Lager there was a variety of real ales and a pretentious clanning of single malts. It was a spit-and-sawdust theme pub, an ersatz recreation of the traditional Scottish howf, but lacking the essential ingredient — misery.
But even a poor pub is hard to leave. I ordered a pint of lager and stood leaning against the slop-free bar, counting the green tiles that covered the gantry wall. My pint was three-quarters down in the glass and I’d reached 150, estimating and adding together the fractions of divided tiles, when I felt a hand fall in between my shoulder blades. I tensed, steeled myself for a confrontation, turned and came face to face with Johnny Mac.
My first instinct was to walk away, but the thought came and went and I was still standing there. It was seven years since I’d last seen him, but Johnny hadn’t changed much.
There were a few creases round his eyes I didn’t remember and maybe his hairline had withdrawn a little from his temples. But he was still scrag-end thin, his dark hair still unfashionably long, but just short enough to ensure his curls lost none of their bounce.
When we’d hung around together, long second-hand coats had been the fashion. I’d worn an old herringbone tweed that smelt when it got wet and Johnny’d more or less lived in an olive-green army greatcoat that had served as a second blanket on his bed at night.
I probably wasn’t one to judge, but Johnny didn’t seem to be following fashion any more. The old greatcoat was gone, replaced by a navy parka with a small rip in the s
leeve that appeared to have been mended using a bicycle repair kit. Beneath the parka he wore a T-shirt with a diametric pattern that meant nothing to me. His jeans were scuffed, splattered with the same paint that decorated his worn-out trainers. Johnny’s mouth bent into a wide grin and I noticed a gap where his left incisor used to be.
'I thought it was you. God, I don’t believe it.' He draped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a hug that was traitor to his west coast of Scotland origins. 'Hey, Houdini, long time no see. How’s tricks?'
The barman caught Johnny’s eyes, and saved me from answering. Johnny slacked his grip, letting me pull free as he leaned in towards the bar and started to stumble through a round of drinks. He was pissed, but only the meanest of pubs would refuse him service.
Anyone looking at Johnny Mac would know he’d be no trouble drunk or sober. He finished the order with a nod to me.
'And whatever he’s having.'
'No, nothing for me, I was just on my way.'
'Dinnae be bloody daft.'
'No, Johnny, I’ve got to be off.'
The barman was used to these friendly altercations. He wiped his hand on a towel, waiting for me to be persuaded. Perhaps he was on profit share because when Johnny demanded, 'Give him a pint,' he poured me another lager.
'We’ve got a table over there.' Johnny nodded towards a far corner of the pub.'
'I told you, I can’t.'
The words came out harsher than I’d meant. The barman glanced back at us, maybe wondering if he’d pegged Johnny wrong and there was going to be a fight after all. The drink cleared a little from Johnny’s eyes and he seemed to see me properly for the first time.
'What’s the problem?'
'I’ve got to be somewhere.'
He glanced up at the hands of the bar-room clock ticking beyond a quarter past ten. His voice grew less insistent.
'Aye, well spare me ten minutes. We’ve not seen each other in an age. How long has it been? Six years?'
'Something like that.'
'Mebbe longer.' Johnny picked up his pint of heavy and sucked the head off it. A rim of foam stuck to his upper lip; he wiped it away and took another pull looking at me over the brim of the glass. 'So what’ve you been up to?'
'Nothing much.'
'Still practising the black arts?'
'No, I gave that up. It’s a mug’s game.'
'Never thought I’d hear you say that, Billy boy.'
I raised my drink to my lips, hiding my expression behind the glass and taking a long gulping swig, all the quicker to finish and get out of there.
'Aye, well, it’s true.'
Johnny seemed to have forgotten he had a round of drinks to deliver. He stood there waiting for me to tell him why I’d given up my calling. I let him wait. Johnny Mac had never been good at silences.
'I ran into your mum in the town the other week.' Johnny hesitated waiting for me to say something then broke the pause again. 'She said you’d been not well.'
'I don’t know where she got that from.'
'You’re all right then?'
I held my arms out.
'See for yourself.'
Johnny looked dubious.
'That’s good.'
I forced my face into a smile.
'I’m doing fine, you know what my old dear’s like. I get a cold and she thinks I’m on my bloody deathbed. She’s aye been like that.' I strained the smile wider. 'Like the man said, reports of my death were much exaggerated.'
Johnny nodded, his eyes still on my face.
'Glad to hear it.'
From across the room I caught sight of a slim, dark-haired woman in her late twenties.
Even before she started making her way towards us I knew she was with Johnny. Johnny’s dark curls and quick smile had given him his pick of women, but he’d always gone for good Catholic girls, fresh-faced Madonnas who refused to sleep with him. Johnny had left his faith at the schoolhouse gates, but in those days it seemed that the tenets of the church were destined to rule his sex life. Johnny’s girl was clear-skinned and sober, but her eyes were amused. She slid her hand round his waist, his grin reappeared and I reckoned that after a certain age even good Catholic girls started to put out.
'There’s men at that table complaining their throats are cut.'
Johnny slammed his forehead with the back of his hand.
'I’m sorry, Eilidh love. I ran into William here and he kept me talking.' He flashed me a look. 'He’s a right chatterbox this one.'
Eilidh smiled. She was the staid side of fashionable, her hair long and simple, brushed into a side parting. It was her smile that kept her from being homely. Her smile and her eyes, a violet blue I’d have thought was painted on if I’d seen her on a movie poster. I wondered what she did for a living. Johnny liked them saintly. I took in her low-heeled brown boots, her coordinating skirt and jacket, just a shade away from a suit and guessed teaching or social work.
'Will you join us?'
I shook my head. For some reason I was having difficulty meeting her look.
'I’m sorry, I can’t.'
Eilidh didn’t try to press me, simply shook her head in mock exasperation and leaned past Johnny to take the three remaining pints in hands that looked too small to span the glasses.
'It was nice to meet you, William.' She smiled at Johnny. 'I’ll give you ten minutes then you’d better come over.'
Johnny gave her a kiss that threatened to topple the pints.
'You’re a wee doll.'
'I know,' Eilidh smiled again. 'One hundred per cent pure gold.'
Johnny watched her careful walk to the table, 'Who would have thought I’d end up henpecked?'
He looked more proud than bowed. I followed his gaze, watching the slim figure depositing the drinks on the table.
'She’s a good-looking girl.' Johnny gave me a stern look that was half mocking but fully meant and I added, 'My womanising days are over.'
'You’re a broken man right enough. You shouldn’t give up yet though. Ye canny whack the love of a good woman. As long as she’s your own.'
'Aye, point taken.' I drained my glass and held out my hand. 'It was good to see you again, John.'
'You too. Maybe we can meet up for a drink when you’ve got more time.'
'I’m not in town for long.'
Johnny gave me a look that said he knew me for a liar, but he didn’t try to argue.
Instead he reached into his pocket.
'Look, I’ll give you my number. It’d be good to catch up.' He pulled out his wallet and flicked through its contents. 'Fuck, I never have any cards when I need them.' The thought of Johnny Mac with business cards amused me and I smiled in spite of myself. 'Here,' he took out a bit of paper and scribbled a couple of telephone numbers and an address on them. 'Now you can get me at work, home or on the move. Mobiles, eh? They were yuppies-only when we were knocking about.'
I glanced at the scrap of paper and saw a half-familiar address. I pocketed the note, intending to drop it in the street when I got outside.
'No, no.' Johnny shook his head he knew my game. 'I went to the trouble of writing that down, the least you can do is keep it safe.'
I fished the paper out of my pocket, found my wallet and slipped it in.
'Happy now?'
'Not really, but it’ll do.'
'Catch you later then, Johnny.'
'Aye,' he said. 'Make sure you do or I’ll hunt you down.'
I made my way into the street. Eilidh gave me a wave as I passed her table. I looked straight ahead and pretended not to notice.
I wasn’t surprised that my mother and Johnny Mac had run into each other. However hard it pretends to be a city, Glasgow is just a big village. I’d known it wouldn’t be long till someone recognised me, and news of my return filtered along the M8 to the pensioner bungalow in Cumbernauld. That was one of the reasons I’d only held out a month after my return before phoning her, that and the brown envelope from another time that she was keep
ing safe for me. Mum came through the day after I phoned, as I knew she would.
The clock outside Buchanan Street bus station is a fey sculpture, a working clock frozen fleeing towards the entrance on long aluminium legs. I wondered what had come first, the image or the title, 'Time Flies’ — too bloody true.
On reflection the bus station probably wasn’t the best place to hook up. It had been renovated a few years back, but no one had bothered to maintain it since and the building was shrugging off the revamp. I arrived early, or perhaps the bus was late, so I took a seat on one of the cold perforated metal benches that sit on the edge of the concourse unprotected from the elements, smoked a cigarette and watched the buses sailing in and out of their slots, sliding across the forecourt like reckless ocean liners on speed. A bus left the far stand, the faces of its passengers blurred behind fogged-up windows. As it revved into top gear a second coach sped into the concourse from Buchanan Street, slicing towards the departing bus. They faced each other like reflections in a mirror and I tracked their course, tensing myself for impact. Just when collision seemed inevitable one of the drivers, I’m not sure which, peeled back and they cruised by with a quick exchange of salutes, one two-fingered, the other a single digit.
A woman of around my mother’s age sat at the far end of the bench. I gave her a reassuring smile and said, 'They should set that to music.' She shot me a sour look and shifted away from me. I muttered, 'Stuck up old cow,' just loud enough for her to hear, then threw my cigarette butt onto the concrete, walked to the edge of the stand and looked out into the forecourt. The wind had full reign across the open space. It blew down from the Necropolis, through the infirmary, across the motorways and round the high rises until it could reach its goal and whip loose grit into the inadequate shelter. I rubbed my eyes. There was an illusion waiting to present itself on the edge of my mind.
'Excuse me, Jim,' an old man stood at my left hand. 'Could you help us out with my fare to Aberdeen?'
I searched in my pocket for some change, the illusion still shifting angles in my head.
'There you go.'
I put fifty pence into his palm. He glanced at the coin before folding it in a firm grip, like a child scared of losing his pocket money before he made it to Woolworth’s.