by Tanya Ronder
She turns it up slightly, counts the beats as she synchs with her screen-self doing a customised t’ai-chi move to a rousing pop anthem.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight… (Etc.)
CLARENCE. That looks great.
SERENA. I said don’t! Oh, I nearly forgot, can you take the bolt off the playroom door? I don’t want people thinking we’re monsters, maybe that’s why the buyers pulled out!
CLARENCE. I’m sure not.
SERENA. The naughty step never worked for Rache, she just got off, but two minutes in there was brilliant, honestly.
CLARENCE. Is she quite naughty now?
SERENA. You two were close, weren’t you? She’s just a bit bolshie, we’ve not used it for ages. Oh, and also, did Gordon show you the doorknob he managed to pull off yesterday?
GORDON comes back from the utility room.
Gordon?
GORDON. Yeah?
SERENA. Will you show Clarence the door handle and also, promise you’ll call the plumber if you can’t fix the drain?
GORDON. Yeah.
SERENA. Why are you showering before clearing drains?
GORDON. I’m not.
She looks at him in his towel.
Hot water’s not working.
SERENA. You’re joking.
GORDON. Pressure was down, I’m trying again.
SERENA. Are you okay?
GORDON. Yes, why?
She does an impression of his train breathing.
SERENA. Heurgh, heurgh, heurgh…
GORDON explains to CLARENCE.
GORDON. I was snoring.
CLARENCE. She said.
SERENA. More like roaring.
SERENA addresses GORDON.
Can I ask you a quick question?
GORDON. Yeah.
She turns and shows him her bum.
Gorgeous, sexy, like a teacher… anything else?
SERENA. Believe what you say.
GORDON. It’s you who doesn’t believe it.
SERENA has her back to CLARENCE.
CLARENCE. I know it’s not a brother-in-law’s place, but.
He holds up two enthusiastic thumbs.
SERENA. Thanks, Clarence. Where are you living these days?
CLARENCE. Shoreham-by-Sea.
BLUNDHILDE comes gingerly in with a light bulb – the glass separated from the metal.
BLUNDHILDE. The light just blew on the landing.
SERENA. What!
BLUNDHILDE (dryly). Sorry.
CLARENCE. The three-for-a-pound ones always do that.
GORDON. There are more in the cupboard, not from Poundland.
BLUNDHILDE. Eco ones?
SERENA. No.
BLUNDHILDE goes to the kitchen.
(To GORDON.) About the drains, are you emptying the coffee pot down the sink again?
BLUNDHILDE pipes up from the kitchen.
BLUNDHILDE. Coffee grains go in the green bin.
SERENA. Precisely, Gordon.
CLARENCE. Irene puts hers on the garden, or down the toilet if it’s parky…
GORDON. It’ll be a plastic bag or somebody’s takeaway.
CLARENCE. I still can’t smell the drains.
SERENA. Nor me, actually.
SERENA speaks to CLARENCE.
Last time the drains blocked, three men in long boots came to clear them, solid grease clumped with coffee and I won’t begin to say what else, and the pipes go all the way under the house, you know. D’you know what had caused the blockage?
CLARENCE. No.
SERENA. Rats, got in through a hole in the path. Do you have a wet room at home?
CLARENCE. No.
SERENA. We have here and I watched one of those plumbers lift the cover and clean out the bit that’s like the plughole? Disgusting, just from humans washing. Pale slimy sludge embedded with hair. It needs cleaning once a fortnight, apparently, I can’t ask Blundhilde or the cleaner to do that, can I? And of course, Gordon’s not touched it once. I’d better go, I’m going to be late.
GORDON. Go, babe.
SERENA. First day and all, wish me luck!
CLARENCE. Bye, Serena, good luck.
She leaves. BLUNDHILDE comes out with a new bulb.
GORDON. If you hear me cursing, put the kettle on.
BLUNDHILDE. You could have a cold shower, that’s what they do in –
He cuts her off.
GORDON. Mad-land.
He goes back upstairs.
BLUNDHILDE. Hi.
CLARENCE. Hi.
BLUNDHILDE. I’m Blundhilde, the au pair.
CLARENCE. I’m Clarence.
BLUNDHILDE. Gordon’s brother?
CLARENCE. Yup.
BLUNDHILDE. You’ve not seen a polar bear, have you?
CLARENCE. Phoebe?
BLUNDHILDE. I have to find her and take her on the train to Cobham. I’m meant to be seeing a film with a friend, it’s my day off.
CLARENCE. Sure you’ve not hidden her, in that case.
BLUNDHILDE is a bit serious.
BLUNDHILDE. I wouldn’t do that. Did you see her last night?
CLARENCE. No.
He’s trying to get on with his work.
BLUNDHILDE. Have you seen her since the eyes?
CLARENCE looks baffled.
She got so dirty from Rachel dragging her round everywhere that we washed her in the bath then hung her out to dry, but Rachel wanted her that night in bed so Serena put her in the tumble dryer but the plastic on the eyes melted. Now she looks like she’s always looking at you, wherever you are in the room. While she was hanging on the line the neighbours, Geoff and Dilys, saw her and thought she was a dog. Their dog had just died so they didn’t speak to Serena for a long time, Dilys is quite paranoid. I’d better call Rachel.
CLARENCE. Go to your film instead?
BLUNDHILDE. I have to say goodbye to someone, she’s leaving tomorrow.
CLARENCE. Oh right, a friend?
BLUNDHILDE. More than a friend.
CLARENCE. Oh.
BLUNDHILDE. A lover.
CLARENCE. Oh.
BLUNDHILDE. I’d not been with a girl before Pepper Anne.
CLARENCE. Okay.
BLUNDHILDE. Just boys, mostly Australians. Anyway, she’s moving back to Holland to volunteer.
CLARENCE. Good for her, who’s she working for?
BLUNDHILDE. The Zwaar Weer Cooperative.
CLARENCE. Zwaar Weer?
BLUNDHILDE. Heavy Weather.
CLARENCE. Nice that you’re seeing a last film together.
BLUNDHILDE. We’re not, I’m seeing the film with another friend, but it starts at twelve forty-five and Pepper Anne’s last shift finishes at three and it’s only round the corner because she works in Pret in Covent Garden and the film is at the Prince Charles Cinema. She used to work in Food for Thought but it’s closed down.
CLARENCE. Is that that salad place?
BLUNDHILDE. Yeah. I’m a vegetarian. Five days a week.
CLARENCE. Oh.
BLUNDHILDE. The fuel you use to drive twenty miles in a Mini?
CLARENCE. Yeah.
BLUNDHILDE. Is what it takes to produce a steak.
CLARENCE. Really?
BLUNDHILDE. Yeah. Or a burger.
CLARENCE. Twenty miles.
BLUNDHILDE. Because the pigs and cows eat so much.
The toilet flushes upstairs.
So, like, growing crops for them uses all this water.
GORDON comes bounding down the stairs.
GORDON. Time to face my drains.
CLARENCE. Did you get your shower?
GORDON. Yep, though somebody’s moved my weekend trousers, oh and, Blundhilde, was it you who turned off the fridge freezer?
BLUNDHILDE. No.
GORDON. I had a kilo of top-notch Spanish ham in there which is now too soft to refreeze, so, help yourself.
BLUNDHILDE. It’s not my meat day. Gordon?
> GORDON. Yup?
BLUNDHILDE. Phoebe’s not in your bedroom, is she?
Beat.
GORDON. Have you seen her?
BLUNDHILDE. I don’t go in your room.
GORDON. Where did you see her last?
BLUNDHILDE. Down here, yesterday.
GORDON. Look in the bedroom by all means, and Blundhilde?
BLUNDHILDE. Yes?
GORDON. Let me know if you find her.
Half beat.
CLARENCE. Bad move to have the shower before the drains…
GORDON. Sometimes a man can’t sit with his own smell, know what I mean? Joke. I’ll be round the side.
He leaves.
BLUNDHILDE. Would you like a mint?
She offers him one.
CLARENCE. Ooh, Fox’s Glacier, thanks.
BLUNDHILDE. Have you been in the box room?
CLARENCE. I put the window in there, it’s cosy, with that skylight.
BLUNDHILDE. It’s basically a cupboard without. Serena told me I couldn’t have the guest room because of all the guests but in the eight months since I’ve been here you’re the first to stay.
CLARENCE. They’re busy.
BLUNDHILDE. Gordon is.
CLARENCE. He must be late home most nights.
BLUNDHILDE. Those companies rule the world, don’t they.
Something in her tone alerts CLARENCE.
CLARENCE. Did you know who Gordon worked for before you got here?
BLUNDHILDE. It was on the form.
Beat.
I’m not allowed pets but yesterday Pepper Anne gave me her hamster to look after.
CLARENCE. An actual hamster?
BLUNDHILDE. He’s called Igloo, Iggs for short, he’s Siberian. I wondered if you would mind not telling them.
CLARENCE. Right…
BLUNDHILDE. Because Iggs has a thyroid problem so needs exercised twice a day. All you do is get him out his cage and put him in his ball. You don’t have to stay, just make sure the door is closed and he goes all over the room, which you know is really small, then after half an hour you put him back in the cage. Could you do that for me, please?
CLARENCE. Let me be honest, is it Brundhilde?
BLUNDHILDE. Blunde, Blundhilde, like blonde.
She has dark hair.
It’s not on the Icelandic register, it’s just what my mum called me.
CLARENCE. This is a tough one, Blundhilde, because my brother and Serena are trusting me again after some complications in our relationship and, here I am back under their roof, so I wouldn’t want to go round breaking their rules, you know?
BLUNDHILDE. Serena says you were a drug addict.
Beat.
CLARENCE. I prefer the word user. I’m making good now, which is a painting term but…
BLUNDHILDE. Like ‘making out’, or ‘make do’.
CLARENCE. Kind of. Basically I’ve missed out on the last couple of years but I’m in their home again now, you know.
BLUNDHILDE. Sure.
CLARENCE. As it turns out, Rache is away this weekend, which I didn’t know she would be.
Half beat.
What will you do with the hamster?
She shrugs.
BLUNDHILDE. I’m going to check for Phoebe.
She goes. CLARENCE moves his bag and RACHEL’s bear out the way. He puts the eggs somewhere safe, then he takes a moment for himself.
CLARENCE. Dear Higher Power, keep me steady, help make communication between myself and my brother better, please. Keep me on track. May I rise above the wounds, give me patience and perspective, appreciation. Help me earn a place back at their table, make me a worthy uncle. Thank you.
BLUNDHILDE comes back down with a sheaf of papers, her mood has completely changed.
She not there?
Beat.
Are you all right, Blundhilde?
BLUNDHILDE. What’s wrong with this household where even a hamster, one tiny creature, is too much to look after?
She puts the papers away.
I’m going to Skype Rachel.
Half beat.
CLARENCE. Where’s the ball?
BLUNDHILDE. Under the bed.
CLARENCE. Promise me that if you ever get found out you won’t grass me up.
BLUNDHILDE. I promise and I don’t break promises.
CLARENCE. I’ll have to find a time when Gordon’s out…
BLUNDHILDE. He smokes.
CLARENCE. He doesn’t smoke!
BLUNDHILDE. He does so many things he says he doesn’t. I saw him in the garden this morning walking up and down, three cigarettes together. Another thing – do you have a wrench?
CLARENCE. Why?
BLUNDHILDE. To open the toilet tank.
She grabs two bags of rice/quinoa from the kitchen.
Put these inside.
CLARENCE. To save water…? I’m all for rescuing dolphins, green spaces…
BLUNDHILDE. So?
CLARENCE. I’m a recovering alcoholic and drug user, in my brother’s home…
BLUNDHILDE. There are no spectators, baby or old man, whatever your problem you cannot not take part, everything you do either saves or cooks the planet.
Beat.
Be sure to put your mint wrapper in the right bin – it’s the blue one in the kitchen.
End of Scene.
Scene Two
Saturday night
SERENA comes home late.
SERENA. Gordon?
Eventually, he comes from the utility room.
GORDON. Yeah.
He has an empty document sleeve in his hand.
SERENA. What are you doing?
He puts the sleeve out of sight.
GORDON. Looking for Phoebe.
SERENA. Did Blundhilde not find her?
GORDON. No.
SERENA has a moment of weariness.
SERENA. I’ll look in the morning.
GORDON is distracted, on edge.
I had such a good talk with Madeline.
GORDON. Madeline?
SERENA. The trainer.
GORDON. Of course, you said you were going for dinner –
SERENA. She instructs the instructors, she’s a really intuitive woman.
GORDON. Great.
SERENA. So great.
She sees his open laptop.
I thought you were helping Clarence.
GORDON. Didn’t need it.
SERENA. The bolt’s still on. And the knob’s still off. I felt so brilliant coming home, like I could see everything. Two minutes through the door and I’m deflating like a balloon, headache brewing, complaining again. Come here, you old lump.
She gives him a hug.
Well done on your job.
Beat.
I think it’s you who makes me feel rubbish, Gordon. I don’t mean it nastily, I just, feel reduced around you.
GORDON. Okay.
SERENA. And your success.
GORDON. Well we should chat about that.
SERENA. Chat?
GORDON. Wrong choice of word…
SERENA. I try to say what I feel, you diminish it in a snap, as always.
GORDON. I only meant –
SERENA. You can’t pass me on to complaints, Gordon, transfer me to one of your person-centred team…
GORDON. It’s late, my head’s full.
SERENA. What of – us, our lives, our home? I forgot to ask, did you get the loan?
GORDON. That’s what I’m working on.
SERENA. You think we can push through on Monday?
GORDON. Yep.
SERENA. Really?
GORDON. Yep.
SERENA. Where have you gone, I don’t know where you are.
Beat.
GORDON. I’ve been looking for Phoebe.
SERENA. You worried about Rache?
She thinks of her.
Little pigeon…
You’re a strange, sweet man.
Half beat.
I had such an amazing
day. I felt love for you, proper love, for the first time in ages, I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, I’m just being honest and if we really speak the truth, without revenge or anything mixed with it, it shouldn’t be hurtful.
GORDON. Right.
SERENA. That’s what Madeline says. At times I’ve not wanted you anywhere near me in case my disgust would show.
GORDON. Disgust?
SERENA. Or fear that you might give me one of your sucky kisses or rub the veins on the backs of my hands… We don’t need to chat, we need to talk and I don’t know why that’s become so difficult, like we need a fucking appointment to do it. Do you have any cash on you?
GORDON. Yes.
SERENA. Will you just put a twenty in the box for me and have done with it.
GORDON. Can I just say, in case you’ve not remembered, that Clarence is upstairs?
Half beat.
SERENA. How’s the ‘bone’?
GORDON. All right, I think.
SERENA. Of course I remembered. I can’t remember ‘Upon Westminster Bridge’ any more, which I used to recite at any social event. Used to be good at English.
GORDON. Sorry, I’ve a really funny taste in my mouth…
SERENA. And sociable – head of bloody HR, that massive department, had it all sorted!
GORDON. Could have a whisky, it might relax us.
SERENA. Nowadays I flinch when my own daughter calls from upstairs.
Half beat.
I’ve been balancing all day, Gord, I’m quite relaxed, you’re the one that needs to relax.
Half beat.
I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a bit fucked.
GORDON is quiet.
I mean, I’m fucked too, but at least I know I’m fucked. Did you put that twenty in?
GORDON. No.
He puts a twenty in the swear box.
Don’t feel obliged to spend it all at once.
SERENA finds the perfect name for him.
SERENA. Sloppy Fucking Giuseppe Gordon.
GORDON. Serena, I’m not in the mood for playing…
SERENA. I’m voicing what’s actually in my head.
GORDON. How much did you drink at dinner?
SERENA. I’ve just come from the most liberating day where I could say whatever I wanted –
GORDON. That’s great –
SERENA. And it came out right. I don’t like our lives.
GORDON. I know, that’s why –
SERENA. Don’t cut me off, I don’t like our lives and I don’t like us in our lives.
Beat.
There are eight minutes at the end of every Balance class where it’s relaxation and you can choose to stay or go. Every time, I’m frozen at that juncture – should I stay and unwind and breathe, or should I go, do the shopping? Am I busier and more important if I don’t stay, or more evolved and contented if I do? I’m trying to retrain as a calm person because my brain whirrs all the time like that, it doesn’t stop.