Diana sat there in the doctor’s office, willing herself to get up and get dressed. Instead, she started to cry. It was happening all over again. The pain, the surgery, the fertility issues. Just like in her marriage. When the nurse came in to check on her, she came over and put an arm around Diana. She knew Diana after so many years of visits for the same problem.
All Diana wanted was a family. To have what everyone else had. Why was this happening to her?
Her phone rang. It was Matthew.
“Diana,” he said, sounding worried. “I just got your message. Are you alright?”
“No.”
“What happened? What did the doctor say?”
“I’ll explain it all later.”
“You aren’t in danger, are you?”
“No. Nothing like that.”
“I’ll drop off the boys and come get you—”
“No. Please. I just… I need some time to process this.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure, sweetie. I’m fine. I’ll call you later.”
Diana spent the rest of the day taking it easy and thinking about her situation. She was still in pain, but the medication had dulled it. When evening came and Matthew was on his way over, she prepared herself. She knew exactly what she wanted to say.
When he arrived, Diana sat Matthew down and told him what happened: her endometriosis had gotten worse again. She had a big cyst. And she needed surgery, again.
Matthew listened, holding her hand and being supportive. He looked a little uncomfortable when she talked about her reproductive body parts, but she knew that was nothing more than the remnants of his strict upbringing, the upbringing that treated women’s bodies like taboo secrets only to be discussed with medicine women and midwives. She didn’t go into great detail, instead sticking with the medical facts Matthew preferred.
“Just let me know when you schedule the surgery,” Matthew said. “I can leave the boys with their mom and take the day off.”
Diana nodded, smiling at Matthew’s kindness. Then she took a deep breath, ready to tell him the hard part.
“The thing is, Matthew, what I have impacts my fertility. You know that, and you know it ruined my marriage. You know how much I want kids. We’ve talked about it many times.” She paused. “If I have the surgery, it opens a window for me, fertility-wise. After recovery, I might have a shot at getting pregnant. And I need to know if that’s something you want.”
He hesitated for a moment. “I’ve always said that if you want kids, I’m willing to have more when the time is right. I want to be with you.”
“But it’s the timing that matters. I don’t have the flexibility of other women, due to my age and my situation. I’m not trying to rush you, but at the same time I need to know if you really do want more kids and aren’t going to change your mind.”
“I’ll have more kids if that’s what you want.”
“Even though you’ve already been through it? The diapers and the terrible twos and all that?”
Matthew looked down for a moment. “Part of me doesn’t want to do all that again. I mean, you’ll have to take on a lot of the parenting duties… I’ll be the breadwinner. That’s how it was when I was married. People have been following that model since the dawn of time and it works. As long as you’re okay with that…”
Diana sighed. She was raised on that same family model, and she had mixed feelings about it, but she couldn’t deny that Matthew had a point. If he was willing to give her children, she would have to be their primary caretaker. “There’s still the timing part. If I get surgery, that means trying for kids within a year.” She bit her lip, hoping Matthew wouldn’t balk.
Matthew only nodded. “I understand. I’ve known since I first met you that I wanted to marry you. If we need to start the kid thing right away, then so be it.”
Diana smiled, throwing her arms around Matthew, relieved that he didn’t get upset… that he could give her what she wanted. But before her relief could settle in, another fear hit her. Suddenly, she started to cry.
Matthew put his arm around her. “What’s wrong, baby?”
“I’m scared. After what happened before… the fertility treatments… all of it destroyed my marriage…” She stopped herself, unwilling to go there. “What if it doesn’t work this time?”
“It’ll work.”
“But what if it doesn’t?”
“Then it doesn’t.”
Diana nodded at Matthew’s matter-of-fact way. “You’re right. All we can do is try. And I suppose there’s always adoption. There are so many kids needing a good home, and I’ve always loved that idea…” She looked at Matthew, knowing he would appreciate her can-do approach, that she was able to see alternatives if she couldn’t get pregnant.
But Matthew’s forehead had a wrinkle. “Adoption? Really?”
“What’s wrong with adoption?”
“I don’t know. I mean, if we were getting married for the first time and had no kids and then couldn’t get pregnant, I could sort of understand…”
Diana pulled away. “So, what? You’ve already had your kids and your marriage, and now you shouldn’t have to settle for second-rate kids with me?”
“Don’t get all mad…” He reached for her.
Diana backed away. “Are you saying if I couldn’t have kids, we couldn’t adopt one?”
Matthew’s frown deepened. “Diana, I’ve already done the dad thing. I said I’d have kids for your sake, if that’s what you really want. But adoption? I don’t want to deal with someone else’s kids. I’ve got enough on my plate.”
“Enough on your plate? What, the two kids you already have? So you’re all set and happy and you’ve got what you want, and fuck me and my stupid needs?”
“Hey, don’t get all mad at me. You know I came with a full package when we met—”
“Yes! And I was willing to accept that full package and the fact that you’ve already had kids! And you’ve said again and again that you want more kids!”
“I said I was willing to have them, not that I wanted them,” he said coldly. “Why the hell would I want more kids, especially kids that aren’t even fucking mine?”
“They are yours, for criminy’s sake!” Diana cried, gesturing wildly with her arms. “Just not genetically! You raise them, you teach them, they call you Dad and you love them just the same, Matthew!”
“You wouldn’t understand!” he shouted, his face reddening. “You aren’t a man. No man wants to raise some other man’s child, some random kid who doesn’t have his genes. That’s how men are!”
Diana gritted her teeth, suddenly wishing she were the violent type and could just punch Matthew in the jaw. “How all men are? How all men are? You have the fucking audacity to speak for all men?” Diana stood up and began pacing, tamping down the urge to throw anything within hand’s reach at Matthew. Suddenly, another jab of pain shot through her left ovary, and she sat down again.
“More pain?” Matthew said, sounding calmer but also colder.
She nodded.
“Can I get you something?”
Diana shook her head, taking a couple of deep breaths to calm herself as the pain subsided. “I’m sorry, Matthew. I’m in a lot of pain, and the news from the doctor shook me up a little. Maybe I dumped too much on you out of desperation. I just…” Tears welled up in her eyes. “This is such a painful issue for me.”
“I know it is.” He put his arm around her. “We’ll work it out, baby. I promise.”
She nodded, not entirely convinced but willing to try. Then she had another thought. “Maybe… maybe this would be something to talk about with your therapist. I’m not trying to be pushy, it’s just an idea. My problems affect you, too.” She glanced at Matthew, hoping that wouldn’t upset him. But he didn’t look angry. Instead, there was something strange about his expression. “You’ve been going, right?”
“Yeah…” He sounded unconvincing.
“Have you?”
He sighed. “I went a couple times. I don’t know… I didn’t like him. He kept wanting to talk about childhood. It’s like, that shit’s over. I hate talking about the past.”
“Matthew, the past is important. You don’t have to go on and on about it, but it helps to address those issues and make the connection between what happened then and what’s happening now.”
“I don’t see the point. I can’t go back and change it. I’ll figure things out on my own, like I always have.”
Diana closed her eyes for a moment, trying to tap into what was left of her patience. “Sweetie, you don’t have to see him if you don’t want to, but you have to do something. We can’t go on like this.”
“Like what?”
“You know what! The sexual problems!”
“So it doesn’t work once in a while. It’s not a big deal.”
“It is a big deal!” she cried. “This isn’t just something that happens when you’re tired or had too much to drink! It’s affecting our sex life. And it’s frustrating!” It was the first time she’d ever said it. She felt bad hurting him, but he needed to hear the truth.
Matthew backed away. “So, what, now you’re some kind of nympho who can’t get enough dick?”
Diana stood up, pointing her finger at him. “What did you just fucking call me?”
“Hey, I’m sorry if that was rude, but seriously. How about some support here?”
Diana took a step closer to him. “Support? That’s all I’ve given you is support! I’ve cooked for you and your kids, I’ve accepted that your kids are a big part of your life and welcomed them into mine! I’ve put up with the nasty comments from your mean ex-wife and her calling me ‘that Italian bitch’ like I don’t have a name. And I’ve put up with going without sexual satisfaction for over a year and been supportive and understanding because I know how much fundamentalist religion can mess up a person’s sexuality! And it seems all I’ve gotten in return is being told adoption is stupid because you already have two boys of your own, and being left to pleasure myself because my boyfriend doesn’t care!”
“Diana—”
“Don’t you Diana me!” she shouted. “We’re done, Matthew. I’ve tried. I love you and I’ve tried. But I can’t do this anymore. I want children and I want a normal sex life. That’s what I want. And if you can’t give me those things, or don’t want to, that’s okay. But I’m not going to stick around and pretend that it’s enough!” Another stab of pain shot through her left side.
“Come on, Diana. You’re overreacting. Come sit down.”
She took a deep breath. “No. I’ve been telling myself for too long that it’s okay. It’s not. I’m done, Matthew.” She pointed to her door. “Please go.”
Matthew stared at the floor. Then he stood up, grabbed his keys, and left.
Diana’s phone rang.
The noise yanked her from a deep sleep. After what went down with Matthew, she didn’t fall asleep until after two in the morning. She grabbed her phone; Matthew was calling.
Diana sighed. She didn’t want to talk to him. But she owed him the opportunity to say what he needed to say. At least she wasn’t angry anymore. She was too exhausted to be angry.
“Hi.”
“Hey, baby.” His voice was quiet. “How are you feeling?”
“Tired, but at least I’m not in as much pain now.”
“Good. I was worried about you.” He sighed. “Look, I know things got crazy last night. But I want to work it out. I can’t lose you.”
Diana closed her eyes. “Matthew, I wish we could. But this has gone on too long. I’ve been open about what’s important to me, especially with the kid thing.”
“I know. If we could just talk about it…”
“We’ve talked enough. I’m done talking, sweetie.”
“What about the boys?”
“I can talk to them and say goodbye if you like.”
“They’re going to be hurt. You’re like a second mom to them.”
“I know.” Diana regretted that. She cared so much for those boys.
“Then don’t end this. Let’s try, for them.”
“I can’t stay for their sake, Matthew. I have needs too.”
“You’re being selfish, Diana. It’s not all about you.”
Diana wanted to snap at him, but she held her tongue. “If you want me to talk to the boys, text me. Otherwise, do not call me again.” She hung up.
Diana got up and took a shower, glad her pain had diminished somewhat, just like Dr. Galvin said it would. She checked the weather; it was rainy out. No riding. She dressed herself and went hiking. Screw the rain.
It was drizzly and dreary, but the trails were empty and a low fog hovered in the trees. The drizzle moistened her face, beaded up on her Gore-tex jacket, and dampened her sweater cap and ponytail. The beauty and quiet of the mountains brought her some peace, but on her way back down, the tears found her.
She’d made the right decision to end things with Matthew. It wasn’t that. It was that she’d wasted more precious time with the wrong man. More than a year and a half gone, and she was still no closer to getting what she wanted most.
When she got back home, she peeled off her wet clothing. Then she grabbed her phone and dialed.
“Hey, D!” came Mel’s voice.
“Hey Mel.”
“Are you okay? You sound sad.”
“Matthew and I broke up.”
“Oh, man. Sorry, D. Are you okay?”
“That depends. Do you have room for a guest next weekend?”
Chapter Eight
The following weekend, Diana sat curled up on Mel’s nubby old couch, sipping her water. She’d told Mel what happened, excluding the details about her sex life.
“Look, D,” Mel said as she pumped air into her bike tire. “I know I’ve only met Matthew a couple times, but I have to say that I’m glad you ended it. I just… I don’t know. I didn’t see you with him. I think you can do better.”
Diana scowled. “Better how?”
“I don’t know. For starters, I’d rather see you with a guy who lets you bike with your friends without getting all jealous about it.”
“He was working on his issues—”
“Yeah, for like two years!” she said, switching to fill the other tire. “How about finding a guy without issues?”
“Everybody has issues, sweetie.”
“Yeah, well, some people have more than others and it isn’t your damned job to fix them, Doctor Fiorelli.”
Diana gave a wry laugh. “Great. So I’m the shrink who tries to fix men.”
Mel put the cap back on her tire valve. “You said it, not me.”
“I just… I want a family, Mel. I want a partner and kids and people to cook spaghetti and meatballs for.”
Mel grabbed a root beer from the fridge and sat down next to Diana. “You’ll get all that, D. You’re too amazing and too dang beautiful to wind up alone. But you can’t force it. I’m no expert on life, believe me, but shit happens when it’s ready to happen.”
Diana heaved a sigh. “You’re right. I need to forget about all that for a while and just have fun.”
“Exactly. Today, the weather’s nice and we’ll go biking and you’ll feel better.”
Diana smiled, throwing her arms around her friend. “Thanks, Mel. You’re a lifesaver.”
The trailhead parking lot was almost empty. It was late morning on Friday and the weekend warriors hadn’t converged upon Red Rim’s trails yet, so she and Mel could ride in peace. Diana had taken the day off, and had spent all week counting the hours until she could leave town.
Mel was right. After a couple hours of riding through the sandstone and juniper trees on that beautiful fall day, Diana felt much better. After they finished their ride, they went back to get cleaned up. Mel had to get to Red Rim Brewery and prepare to work a busy Friday night in high season.
“Come and hang out later,” Mel said. “I’ll save you a seat at the bar and get you good and
drunk.”
Diana laughed. “I’ll be there.”
After Mel went off to work, Diana put on her knit sundress, flip-flops, and baseball cap, and walked the shops on Main Street. It was still pretty warm out, although the temperature in late September wasn’t as fiery as it was in August. She sipped her bottle of cold water and browsed the shops filled with desert art, t-shirts, and outdoor clothing and shoes.
She dipped into Red Rim’s indie bookstore to get out of the heat for a minute, checking the science fiction shelves for Teagan’s books. She couldn’t find them, but then remembered that most bookstores didn’t carry books from indie authors. She bought a brownie and left.
She continued down Main Street, past the health food store and yoga studio. Red Rim had its hippie element along with the bike and outdoorsy culture. Yoga and incense weren’t her thing, but they added something to the town’s uniqueness. Soon, she came across a bike shop. It reminded her of Asher and she wondered how he was doing. He hadn’t posted much on Facebook in the couple of weeks since their ride at West Rim.
Part of her wanted to see him, to witness that smile and his passion for life. But a bigger part of her knew that was a bad idea. The last thing she needed now was to lust after a hot, unobtainable guy. Like she didn’t have enough problems.
“You look deep in thought,” came a sexy male voice.
Shook from her reverie, Diana searched for the source of the voice. A gorgeous, bronzed man leaned against the open doorway of the bike shop, a roguish smile on his face. Diana’s stomach turned upside down as she stared for a moment. Asher. Standing right in front of her. Like he’d known what she was thinking. Instinctively, she checked the shop’s sign. Red Rim Cycles. Asher’s shop.
“This is your shop,” she sputtered.
“I told you about my shop, didn’t I?”
“You did. I knew I’d seen Red Rim Cycles before, but when I stumbled upon this place, I guess I didn’t put two and two together.”
He wore shorts, a faded Johnny Cash t-shirt that exposed his lean muscled and tattooed arms, and a thin leather bracelet. His thick hair was pulled back into its usual ponytail. His eyes traveled down her body and back up again, just quickly enough to not seem inappropriate.
Wild Inside (Four Corners Book 2) Page 6