by Jack Geurts
In his weakest protest voice, Lot’s like, “No... What?... Oh, I’m so drunk, I have no idea what’s going on...”
Second night, same thing, but with the other daughter.
In an even weaker protest voice, he’s like, “Oh, no, not again... What’s happening?... Man, I’m so drunk, I can’t even process this... Oh, actually, that feels pretty good...”
Finally, God comes down and he’s like, “Seriously?”
It’s the morning after Lot’s fucked his second daughter and they’re both still sleeping. Both pregnant, too.
Lot’s got a hangover the size of Texas. He sits up, holding his head, like, “What the fuck do you want?”
God’s like, “I wanna know what you’re doing getting your daughters pregnant.”
“What’s it look like, man? I’m repopulating the earth. Like Noah.”
God shakes his head. “I didn’t destroy the whole fucking world again, it was just these two cities. Jesus...Walk a few miles in any direction, you’ll see. There’s people everywhere.”
Lot’s like, “Really?”
“Yes, really. I promised I wouldn’t kill everyone again and I meant it. Sodom and Gomorrah were just giving me the shits, that’s all. I’m allowed to destroy cities if I want. I didn’t make any promises about that.”
Lot gets to his feet, squinting against the morning sun and wobbling a little. “Sorry, man, look...I guess I misunderstood. I just thought you wanted us to repopulate the earth. I thought that’s why you let us live. Why you made my daughters...you know...the way they are.”
In a moment of anger, God grabs Lot by the collar and shoves him back against the wall of the cave.
“Don’t act like you didn’t know there were other people out there. You just pretended like you were the last three on earth so you could take advantage of your daughters. Isn’t that right?”
“Hey! They came on to me.”
“What are you, six years old? They’re your daughters. You’re supposed to know better.”
“Well... look, they’ve wanted to fuck me for a long time. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know. But as long as their mother was around, they didn’t act on it. Now that she’s gone...” He pauses a moment, as if out of respect. God rolls his eyes.
Lot continues, “I’m a man, alright. I’ve got needs. How long was I supposed to hold out?”
God can’t believe the words coming out of this guy’s mouth. “Forever. You were supposed to hold out forever. Because – and I’ll say it again – they’re your daughters.”
He realises it’s useless trying to reason with Lot and lets him go. He heads for the entrance to the cave, but Lot calls out, “Wait! Does this mean I’m not gonna be the next Abe?”
God stops, turns around. “One of the reasons I destroyed Sodom in the first place was to get rid of Abe, but...now, it looks like he might have escaped.”
Lot’s eyes go wide. “He escaped?”
The big guy nods.
“How the fuck did he escape?”
“I don’t know. But he did. The plan was: destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, Abe dies in the process, you step in to take Abe’s place. Now...”
Lot starts to panic. “I’m still gonna be the new Abe, right?”
“Well...”
“Look, please, I’ll do anything. You want my daughters? Take them. You want me to sacrifice them? No problem. I swear I had a knife around here somewhere...”
He starts desperately searching for his knife, but God says, “Jesus, stop. Stop! Look, I don’t want your daughters and I don’t want you to sacrifice them. Frankly, I’m shocked at the disregard you’ve shown for their well-being throughout all of this. Nevertheless, you’re still the best candidate I’ve got.”
Lot smiles, like he’s just been given the highest praise. “Thank you.”
“It’s really not that good of a compliment. Not even a compliment at all, really. Just a...fact. A sad, miserable fact.”
God shakes his head at the state of human affairs.
But Lot’s only hearing what he wants to hear at this point. He says, “So what’s the plan, boss?”
God perks up a little. “Yes, the plan...I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Now...while Abe’s still alive, he’s still my guy. I made a covenant with him, and as long as he doesn’t outright disobey me, which he hasn’t yet, I can’t do anything about it.”
Lot lowers his head.
“But...” God says, and Lot brightens. Hopeful. “If we can make him disobey me, then you’ll be able to step in and fill his place.”
Lot smiles, liking the sound of that.
“Now, currently, Sarah’s pregnant with Abe’s child. When the kid is born, I’m gonna make Abe do the unthinkable: kill his own son.”
“Jesus...” Lot says. “Seems a bit excessive.”
“Exactly. There’s no way he’ll be able to do that, because it’ll mean destroying his line of descent. If he has no line of descent, he won’t be the father of a great nation. But if he doesn’t kill the kid, he’s flat-out disobeying me.”
“That...” Lot says,”...is fucking brilliant. You really are an evil motherfucker.”
God shrugs. “I made you in my image, didn’t I?”
GENESIS 20-21
Fat Abe The Philistine
Last time we saw Sarah, she was in a bad way.
Her city had just been destroyed. Her husband had abandoned her. Her lover had been turned into a pillar of salt.
Things weren’t going too good.
Heartbroken, Sarah was heading west, but not knowing where, how, why, what, or even when.
Not even when, you guys.
Not even when.
The only thing that stopped her from giving up right there was the child growing inside her.
Abe’s child.
The miracle child.
The child that God intended to be the beginning of a great nation.
And he would be.
Abe might be dead and gone, but he’d done his part, as far as Sarah was concerned. She was the vessel through which this great nation would be born, so really, she had been the more important part of the equation all along.
One night, she’s camped by the side of the road when she sees this shadowy figure moving toward her on the other side of the fire. Staggering, hunched over, groaning...
Thinking it’s some drunk, homeless guy looking to rob her, she takes out a dagger and gets to her feet, ready to drop this fool.
The guy’s cloak is flapping behind him in the wind. He’s got a bow in his hand.
Jesus, she thinks. It’s that Legolas guy who shot the eagles down.
But as he comes into the light of the fire, ‘Legolas’ is revealed to be none other than her good-for-nothing, gay-orgy-having, manipulative, egotistical piece-of-shit she used to call a husband.
That’s right.
It’s motherfucking Abraham, back from the dead.
And he looks like shit.
Dirty, ragged, like he’s been on the road a while. Before either of them can get a word out, he collapses in the sand.
When he comes to, the fire’s dead and Sarah’s nowhere to be seen.
She left him there.
“Goddamn it,” Abe says, and takes off after her.
He catches up to Sarah a little down the road. “What the fuck was that?”
“What?” she says, not looking at him.
“Uh...How you left me there to die?”
“Oh, you mean like how you left me in Sodom when you knew God was about to nuke the place? Like that?”
Abe goes to say something, then realises he’s got no comeback.
They walk on in silence for a while.
Finally, Abe’s like, “Where are you going?”
“I don’t know,” she says. “Doesn’t matter. First place I come to, I’m gonna find a rich guy and marry him. My belly’s not showing yet – whoever it is will just think the kid is theirs.”
Take a second to remember that this
is the Old Testament – she’s only got so many options. An unwed mother walking around in these times is about as safe as a ball of yarn in a kitten factory.
Naturally, Abe’s like, “What?”
“You got a problem with that?”
“Uh, yeah, I got a big fucking problem with it.”
“Well, too bad,” Sarah says. “You’ve done your part. I’ll take it from here.”
Abe can’t believe what he’s hearing.
“You’ll take it from here?” he says. “I’m the father of a great nation. Remember?”
“Then that makes me the mother of a great nation, doesn’t it? I’m the one carrying the miracle child, pal. Not you.”
“Uh...did you loan God a pack of cigarettes? No, didn’t think so. He chose me.”
“Because of a pack of cigarettes?”
“Among other things, yeah.”
Sarah laughs. “Oh, you poor, sweet fool. You have literally zero redeeming qualities. The only reason I can think he chose you is because you’re my husband. He decided I was the one he wanted to kick off this great nation with, and he needed you to put a baby in me.”
Abe thinks about it for a second. “No chance.”
She stops, stares at him.
“Who do you think’s more expendable now that I’m pregnant, huh?”
Before he can answer, she keeps moving.
He chases after her, saying, “That’s still my kid in there.”
She ignores him like you’d do with a six-year-old throwing a temper tantrum.
“Hey! I’m talking to you. I demand that you answer me. As the father of a great nation, I demand that you answer me! Sarah!”
He’s screaming like a lunatic now, but still nothing.
Without someone arguing back, Abe runs out of steam pretty quick. I also mean that literally – by the time he catches up with Sarah, he’s panting.
Abe realises whatever he’s doing isn’t working, so he tries a different approach.
“Listen,” he says. “I came all this way to make sure you’re alright. The least you could do is be grateful.”
“Oh, right,” she says. “How rude of me. I am grateful. Grateful how you knocked up another woman...”
“That was your idea.”
“Grateful how you had fifty-man orgies with me right next door...”
“We were in Sodom,” Abe says. “It’s what you do.”
“Grateful how you shot me out of the fucking sky...”
“I didn’t know you were up there. I was trying to get Lot.”
“You still abandoned me.”
“And I’m sorry about that. I was scared, alright. I was confused. I think I let the power of being king go to my head. Can we please just put it behind us?”
She slows, looks at him.
Abe senses he’s making progress and goes in for the kill.
“We’re gonna be a family,” he says. “And now there’s no one else around to fuck it up. No Hagar, no Ishmael, no Lot. I even killed all my concubines. That proves I’m not gay anymore.”
Sarah feels herself slipping. “I guess...”
“So we’re good?”
She studies him a long moment, trying to decide whether or not she can trust this guy. Trying to calculate the odds of finding another, better, richer husband before her belly starts to show.
“If I even think you’re about to fuck me over...I’ll cut your fucking nuts off.” Sarah holds up the dagger to let him know she’s serious. “Deal?”
Abe swallows. “Deal. But I should probably run something by you, just in case it gets misconstrued as me fucking you over.”
Her eyes narrow. “What?”
“Well...” Abe says. “Look, here’s the deal. Where we’re headed, the people are fucking savages.” He gauges her reaction as he speaks. “We might need a...y’know, like a cover story for what we’re doing.”
Sarah immediately realises what he’s up to. “Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no...”
“Look, before you say no – again - just think about it.”
“I’m not doing that again.”
“It’ll only be for a little while. Not to mention we’ll probably get killed if you don’t.”
“We’ll probably get killed if I do. Remember last time?”
“Alright,” Abe says, putting his hands up. “Fine. I’ll drop it.”
*
So the happy couple continue west, into Gerar. Land of the Philistines.
They go before the king, this massively-obese dude named Abimelech (but we’ll just call him Fat Abe). He’s lying on one of those lounge chairs and his concubines are feeding him grapes. He eats with his mouth open, drooling grape juice down his many chins. Very Jabba the Hutt.
“Who are you?” he says. “What do you want?”
His jowls shake when he talks and he spits grape juice everywhere.
Abe steps forward. “I’m Abe, king of the Sodomites.”
“Sodom is no more,” says Fat Abe, in a deep bellow. “You are king of nothing.”
He stops talking as one of his concubines lowers a bunch of grapes to his mouth. A regular king might nibble a few off the bottom, but not Fat Abe.
No, sir.
Fat Abe unhinges his jaw and swallows the entire bunch without chewing.
“Jesus Christ...” Abe whispers to himself, truly horrified.
He clears his throat, and tries a different approach. “We narrowly escaped with our lives, Your Highness. It’s taken us many days and nights to get here.”
“Oh, I see,” Fat Abe says, with his mouth full. “And you want charity, is that it?”
“No, actually. I want to introduce you to someone.”
He turns, and gestures for Sarah to step forward.
Sarah realises exactly what he’s doing and shakes her head. No.
“Come on,” whispers Abe. “You wanted to marry a rich guy, didn’t you?”
She glares.
The second Fat Abe sees her, his big, beady eyes light up.
He lifts his arms. “Up! Up!”
Fat Abe’s servants rush to his side and, with tremendous effort, haul the king to his feet. He almost topples over, but they steady him.
“I’m okay. I’m okay...”
Slowly, the guards step back, but stay close enough that they can rush in if he falls again – like parents with a kid learning to walk.
Fat Abe looks Sarah up and down, licking his lips. “And who is this lovely young lady?”
Sarah almost throws up in her mouth at the thought of going to bed with this guy, but she stays cool. She looks around at all the guards with spears and swords, and one guy with a wooden plank and a nail through it.
She looks at Abe, who tilts his head like a confused puppy. Totally innocent. “It’s alright, Sarah – you can tell him.”
She sighs. “I’m his sister.”
Fat Abe smiles a big, greasy smile. “Well, in that case, king of the Sodomites, come on in and make yourself at home. Mi casa es su casa.”
He goes over and offers Sarah his enormous elbow.
To Abe, he says. “I hope you don’t mind if I give your sister a private tour of my palace.”
“Not at all,” says Abe. “It’s your casa.”
Sarah glares at her husband as she takes Fat Abe’s elbow, knowing she can’t say anything, otherwise they’re both dead. Fat Abe leads her away.
Once his back is turned, Abe smiles a devious smile.
“Yes...” he mutters to himself, rubbing his hands together. “All the pieces are falling into place.”
See, he hadn’t gone looking for Sarah at all. He’d been heading west to negotiate some kind of alliance with Fat Abe – finding Sarah on the way had just been a spot of good luck. Now, he had a bargaining chip. Something to trade.
Maybe God was on his side, after all.
*
Abe was put up in a luxury penthouse, overlooking the city. It was like drinking Dom Perignon and having someone else pay the bill.
<
br /> Namely, his wife and the mother of his unborn child.
At one point, he called for wine to be brought up, and was shocked to see Hagar the one serving it.
“Hagar?” he said. “What are you doing here? I thought you were dead.”
“No,” she said, unable to keep the bitterness from her voice. “I’m alive. No thanks to you.”
“I’m sorry, alright. I only had time to get Sarah out. I didn’t know where you were.”
Hagar looks bewildered. “I was literally pouring you wine when the fire started. You pushed me over and ran for the door.”
“I panicked. I’m sorry, I’m only human. What about Ishmael?”
“He’s fine. They let me stay here and take care of him in exchange for work and...other things.”
“Fat Abe?” he asks.
She nods, looking suddenly ill.
“Sarah’s in there now with him.”
Hagar slaps him. “Jesus, Abe, you let that fat sack of shit have sex with your wife?”
“It’s alright, she’s already pregnant. She can’t get pregnant again, can she?” A horrible thought suddenly occurred to him. “Can she?”
“No, she can’t get pregnant again. That’s not what I’m talking about.”
“Look, don’t worry about it. She’s taking one for the team.”
“Oh, yeah? And what are you doing for the team?”
“At the moment, nothing. I’ll act when the time is right. But for now...”
He shakes his empty cup and she sighs. Refills it.
*
Meanwhile, Sarah’s having just about the worst night of her life.
Fat Abe’s behind her, pounding away, his gut dragging up and down her back.
Suddenly, he pulls out and grabs his crotch, screaming, “Ah! What the fuck?!”
“What?” Sarah says, rolling over.
“Something grabbed my dick!”
She looks down at her stomach, thinking, “No way...”
“Was that a kid in there?” Fat Abe says. “Are you pregnant?”
Sarah looks up, terrified. She gulps.
*
Up in the penthouse, Abe’s looking out the window when Fat Abe comes bursting in, naked, throwing an equally-naked Sarah on the floor.
“She’s your wife!” Fat Abe says.
Abe looks at him calmly.