‘So instead, you let me believe it was all my fault?’
Even in her sympathy and shock, Kate was appalled by his conduct.
James hung his head, unable to meet her eyes.
‘I feel sorry for you, I really do, but how could you not tell me? How could you let me believe that the tablets weren’t working, that my PCOS was the reason we couldn’t get pregnant? I hated myself for it, James. I hated my body and blamed myself for all of it.’
‘I know, I know.’ James was shaking his head, still weeping with what Kate now knew was both self-pity and self-loathing. ‘It’s unforgivable, I know. But I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t know how to.’
‘You should have tried harder,’ she said, close to tears herself. The agony she’d gone through, having convinced herself she would never conceive, that she would be unlikely to ever experience a first scan, or a first kick, had been palpable.
‘Why did you think it was acceptable to lie to me?’ she demanded, crossing the arms she’d removed from around him. ‘If you couldn’t say the words, you could have left the test results out for me to find; you could have written me a letter or told your mum and have her explain it to me. I would have understood, James – I still would have wanted to be with you.’
‘I know.’ He’d buried his face in his hands now and his words were muffled.
‘But you,’ she said accusingly, ‘broke up with me because you wanted your own children. That’s what you let me think. Do you know how hurtful that was, James? Do you realise the damage that did to me?’
‘Damage?’ He removed his hands and stared at her in disbelief. ‘You were so damaged that you went skipping off to Croatia, started up a new business and found yourself lots of new friends.’ He’d put a disgruntled emphasis on the last word that made Kate think longingly of Alex, of his honesty and serenity. He would never have lied to her like this.
‘I’d become a national laughing stock, in case you’ve forgotten. It wasn’t as if I ran away, I merely took some time out. I was ill, James – I was on the verge of having a breakdown and barely eating or sleeping. Coming to Hvar cured me. It cured me of y—’
‘Of me?’ he finished. ‘So, when you told me you still loved me, that was a lie?’
Kate flushed. ‘Don’t try to turn this around onto me. Your lie beats any I might have told in my entire lifetime. No matter how sad I was, or scared I was, I would never, not ever, let you believe that you couldn’t have a child. I don’t even know what to say to you. I feel sick.’
James chewed furiously at his thumbnail, his teeth stripping it away until he tore the delicate skin beneath. Blood pooled and he sucked it off irritably.
‘I behaved atrociously,’ he said. ‘I know that, Kate. And I agree with everything you’ve said. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I guess I’d become so used to being the strong one, and the thing is, I never fail, not at anything. I never have. When I found out that I wasn’t up to scratch, that I was lacking in the most important aspect of all, it freaked me out. I lied to you before I knew what I was saying, and then it became impossible to take it back. The more time that passed, the easier it became to keep it a secret – but I hated myself for it. I hated what it was doing to you. Don’t you see? That’s why I ended things – not because I didn’t love you, but because it became too hard to keep lying to you.’
‘And yet, you came all the way out here with your bloody adoption printouts and absolutely zero intention of being honest with me,’ she stated, calmer now.
‘You always said adoption was a wonderful thing,’ he said petulantly. ‘That motherhood is about more than just pregnancy.’
‘I did,’ she agreed. ‘And it is – but I should have been allowed a choice. I would happily have adopted with you if you’d told me the truth; you must have known that?’
‘I panicked. I was stupid and I said the wrong thing. I didn’t see how to take it back and I’m sorry, for god’s sake. Do you not understand at all where I’m coming from?’
There was nobody else on the beach now. They were alone. The moon that had been so bright as they made their way across the stones was obscured now by clouds, and the water below had been thrown into shadow. What had looked so inviting earlier, now appeared formidable, as if grasping hands were lurking below the surface, waiting to drag down anyone foolish enough to wade out into the depths. Kate felt as if she were already marooned, alone on a raft of sorrow, hurt and confusion. What James had done was shameful, but she could see how it had happened – and why. Better than most, she understood what it was to fail, to feel as if your ability to control anything had been ripped away from you. And as desolating as it had been to believe she would never fall pregnant, James had been right in his assumption that she would have survived it. Kate and deficiency were long-term acquaintances, whereas he was a newcomer to the party.
She selected a stone and snatched up the pen.
‘I know what you’re most scared of,’ she told him, removing the lid and bending to write. ‘Truth. You’re scared of the bloody truth.’
He did not disagree, merely gazed at her, his cheeks wet and dark eyes caverns.
‘What do we do now then?’ he asked sulkily. ‘What was the point in all these stones?’
Kate sighed. ‘You’re supposed to throw them into the water and watch your fears wash away, but I’m not sure you’re ready for that – or even if you deserve it.’
James slumped. ‘I probably don’t.’
‘Is this it?’ she asked. ‘Is this the only thing you’ve been hiding from me?’
For a beat or two, he could not meet her eyes, staring out towards the horizon instead. It was too dark to see the distinctive shape of Alex’s boat, but Kate took comfort from knowing it was there; that he was in all likelihood there as well.
‘This is the only thing,’ he said at last, his voice hollow. ‘There isn’t anything else, I promise.’
Kate nodded but said nothing.
‘What are you thinking?’ he asked, with a desperate edge that dragged through her.
‘I’m thinking that I’m tired and that we’re both exhausted. We could easily sit here all night, chasing this thing around and getting nowhere, or we can go back to the hostel and sleep on it. And I don’t know about you, but I definitely need to sleep on it.’
‘That’s a good idea,’ he agreed, sounding marginally less despairing.
‘I’m not saying this conversation is over,’ she warned. ‘Because it isn’t. You are not forgiven, nor am I saying anything other than I need time to think.’
‘I understand,’ he assured her, standing up and reaching for her hand.
Kate ignored him, wrapping her arms around herself instead. She was still wearing the green dress she’d chosen specially for Alex’s benefit; the toenails she’d painted gold looked dour and grey in the darkness. Her phone had remained silent inside her bag and she hoped Alex did not think she’d forgotten about him. As James began to clamber back up the stony path ahead of her, Kate tapped out a quick text to him: Sorry about tonight. K xx
The reply came back as just they reached Sul Tetto.
Here if you need me. Always. Ax.
Chapter 49
That night, Kate dreamt she was lost at sea.
All around her, black waves rose and fell, unrelenting in their tussle to claim her, while the sky above was split open by thunder and lightning, crashing and roaring with the same unbridled rage that hurtled through her veins. No matter how hard she struggled against the tide, she knew there was no way out. Nobody could save her, but on she fought; wearying limbs thrashing, trying but failing to rescue her broken heart.
She awoke in a tangle of sheets to the sound of running water. The spare mattress Toby had left on the floor for James was empty, and the bathroom door was closed. Kate rubbed her eyes and checked the time; it was early. Having erected a pillow barrier around herself the previous night as a clear signal to her uninvited guest that he should not come near her, she found m
ost of them on the floor and guessed she must have moved around a lot in her sleep. James’s phone, the charger for which he’d plugged into the wall socket behind her head, was another casualty, and had somehow ended up in the far corner of the room.
Pulling on Toby’s hoodie, which she’d yet to give back, Kate scooped the phone up off the floor and was about to plug it back in when she noticed a waiting message from someone named Claire.
She vaguely recalled James mentioning a Claire from his office – another architect he occasionally collaborated with at the planning stage of a new project – but she couldn’t be sure. He’d promised her that he’d not started seeing anyone else since they’d split, but then, James’s word had ceased to count for much. If Kate was even going to consider forgiving him, she needed to find out if he’d lied about anything else. Sneaking a look at his phone felt justified, but even so, she ducked back under the covers before tapping in his passcode. Not being the most imaginative of men, James used the same one as he did for their Amazon Prime and Sky TV login – Kate would not be surprised if it matched the pin of his bank card, too.
The message opened and Kate breathed with relief. It was the same Claire. The most recent text was asking if his ‘romantic reunion’ – Kate pursed her lips at that – had gone as planned, and poor, sweet, delusional Claire had followed it with a string of crossed-fingers emojis. Above that was one from James, thanking her for the ‘great advice’ and telling her he’d booked a flight. They must have discussed the situation while at work.
Kate continued to scroll through a lot of dull messages about planning permission, buildings regulations and site visits, only to stop abruptly when she spotted the word ‘video’.
Claire had written:
Hey, just wanted to let you know that I’ve told my boyfriend to find out who posted the video and tell them to take it down. I can’t believe he sent it around to his mates in the first place, the absolute idiot. Poor Kate, I feel so sorry for her. But maybe you’ll both laugh about it one day – play it at your wedding or something? She was so brave to get up and propose to you like that. Please tell her from me that she’s my hero!
Very slowly, Kate scrolled down to James’s reply.
Hey Claire Bear – no worries. It’s all a bit of fun, isn’t it? No harm done. Kate is cool about it, so don’t worry about taking it down. I’m hoping it’ll hit a million views. LOL.
Kate had read both messages three times before the shower was turned off and waited in silence as James blew his nose and cleaned his teeth. The bathroom door was opposite the bed, so he saw her sitting there as soon as he opened it.
‘Hey, sleepyhead. What’s up?’
He’d knotted a towel around his waist and there were droplets of water on his bare, hairless chest. Kate took a breath.
‘Who was it that posted that video of me proposing to you on the Internet?’
James’s ears turned red, followed rapidly by his neck. ‘I’ve no idea – one of your mad friends probably.’
‘So, not a friend of Claire Bear’s idiot boyfriend, then?’ she said disparagingly, holding up his phone so he could see the screen.
‘Kate, listen to m—’
‘No. Why should I? Why should I listen to another single bloody word you say?’
James bent to retrieve a pair of boxers from his open suitcase and pulled them on under his towel.
‘Why are you looking through my phone?’ he grumbled. ‘Those are my private messages.’
‘Call it a hunch,’ she said icily. ‘A text came through from Claire – she wanted to know if you’d managed to win me back, although it would have been more of a coercion than a win, given what I know now.’
‘I told her I was coming here,’ protested James. ‘She said I should make a grand romantic gesture – there’s nothing going on between us.’
‘I know that,’ said Kate, through gritted teeth. ‘That’s not the issue here, the video is.’
The harshness of her tone seemed to rattle James, and he put out an arm to steady himself against the bedroom wall.
‘Loads of people were filming you that night,’ he said. ‘Even if I had told Claire to get the video taken down, someone else would have posted another one. The damage was already done.’
‘So what? Instead of defending me, instead of condemning whoever had done it, you thought you’d make light of it? Tell everyone I found it hilarious; that a video which is even now being laughed at all across England – thanks to its catchy “Wannabe Wife” hashtag – was nothing more than a joke?’
‘Well, it is, isn’t it?’ he said challengingly. ‘It’s not that big of a deal, Kate.’
Not that big of a deal?
‘No, no,’ she agreed sarcastically. ‘It’s not as if I’ve agonised over it and driven myself almost mad watching it time and time again. I mean, of course I haven’t studied it, lived and breathed it, wondered how I will ever get over the shame of it.’
‘Kate, I—’
‘But you.’ It was almost a snarl. ‘You were all for getting the views up over a million. Did you hope that me becoming the world’s most famous spinster would make you feel better about having lied to me? That it would justify your decision to dump me?’
She thought he was going to deny it and a part of her hoped he would. Because the alternative was so reprehensible that Kate didn’t honestly know how she’d react. There was a brief, tense moment, during which they simply glared hard at each other, and then James dropped his eyes.
‘OK.’ He held up his hands. ‘The truth is it did make me feel better.’
‘Because it proved what a lucky escape you’d made?’
‘No, not that,’ he said simply. ‘It was my excuse to stay away, to reject you, to keep the truth about my infertility a secret – and I grabbed it with both hands. At the time Claire sent that message, only a small number of people had even seen the video. How was I to know it would blow up the Internet?’
‘Two days after it was posted they played it on This Morning and Loose bloody Women!’
Kate clenched her jaw, closing her eyes as she recalled the cruel words written alongside that first awful post: #WannabeWife #NorthLondonLoser #ProposalFail #LeftOnTheShelf. It was designed to go viral; and a small part of James must have enjoyed the protracted attention, even if he couldn’t be identified in the footage. Kate opened her eyes and stared hard at the man she’d loved so deeply for so long. He was not strong and capable after all, but weak and afraid. While she’d faced her fears and found a way to make peace with her failings, James had wallowed in shame and self-interest. He was here because he wanted her to save him – needed her to do what he could not. But, in order to do that, Kate would need to love him still, and loving James meant not loving herself. Kate could not do that anymore; she was not that person anymore.
‘You look like you want to hit me,’ he said, groping for his shorts.
Kate tossed his mobile down onto the bed. She could have caused a huge scene, could have thrown his phone against the wall and stormed around the room, sweeping all his belongings into his bag while she screamed and ranted. But now that she examined it, Kate found that she was not angry after all. She was simply done – with him, with their relationship, with the dishonesty – all of it.
Pushing aside the covers, she walked past him to the wardrobe and pulled out some underwear, a plain white T-shirt, and the mustard dress she’d worn the day she and Alex went to Brač. The day she’d kissed him for the first time.
‘I’m going to get dressed,’ she said, crossing to the bathroom. ‘I suggest you do the same. Then you can start packing.’
‘But what abou—’
Kate silenced him by shutting the door in his face, surprised to discover that she was smiling. She felt lighter somehow, as if she’d done a juice cleanse and dropped six pounds overnight.
When she re-emerged, James was moodily stuffing rolled-up socks into his suitcase.
‘Is this it, then?’ he said. ‘You’re t
hrowing me out, after everything we’ve been through?’
Kate picked up her hairbrush. She had been thinking a ponytail today, but perhaps she would leave it loose. Alex would only run his hands through it later anyway. The thought of that was enough to widen her smile further, and seeing this, James’s mood soured.
‘I’m glad you’re finding this so enjoyable,’ he said resentfully.
‘I’m not celebrating,’ she said calmly. ‘I’d just prefer it if you stayed somewhere else. I can help you find a place.’
The hostel was beginning to wake up. Kate could hear feet on the stairs and voices coming from the communal bathroom along the hall. Her phone buzzed with a message. It was Lovro, telling her he’d had to go over to the mainland for business and that she should take the day off.
‘Kate, this can’t be it. You can’t seriously be throwing away your entire future over a video.’
‘I’m not,’ she said, reaching around him to pick up her lip balm. ‘Now, where did I leave my shoes – oh, there they are.’
‘Kate!’ James was becoming whiney now. If there was one thing she could not stand, it was grown men that whined like toddlers.
‘I’ll wait for you downstairs,’ she said. ‘We can ask Nika to call around and see who has an empty room for you. I assume you booked a return flight, did you? I’m sure that can be altered, too, if necessary.’
‘You think I’m going to go quietly?’ he said in disbelief, throwing the shirt he was folding onto the floor. ‘I tell you now, Kate, I’m not. I’m going to stay on this island until you see reason. I’m going to . . . I’m going to . . . I know you still love me,’ he added desperately. ‘I know you do.’
Kate extracted the cleaning cloth from her glasses case and began polishing her lenses.
‘Did you hear me?’ James shouted. ‘I said, I’m not going to go without a fight!’
There was nothing, she realised. Not so much as the merest flicker of anger, nor sadness, nor affection. She did feel a bit sorry for him, for the predicament he was in and the regret he would have to contend with now that he’d lost her for good. But that was the extent of it. She’d given him everything already; he’d wrung out every last drop of her. James did not love her, not in the way she deserved to be loved, and Kate felt an ache then for the woman she’d left behind back in London. That confused, aimless, lost girl that she had treated so badly. What Kate should have done was love her, but instead she had given her whole heart, her whole self, to someone else – a man who had betrayed her in the worst possible way. A man who had lied.
The Getaway: A holiday romance for 2021 - perfect summer escapism! Page 29