No. No. No. Why? Why Jade? This can’t be real. This can’t be happening.
Oh. God. Jade. No.
Walking back into my apartment, my apartment that I had shared with Jade for nearly three years, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Mr. H begged me to come back to his place, but I couldn’t. I had to come here. Where she once was.
So, Mr. H stayed with me instead.
He showered me. He dressed me in fresh pyjamas. He tucked me in to bed. And he lay with me. We didn’t speak. We barely breathed. Just heartbroken silence.
I didn’t sleep, but I felt him drift off at some stage, every time I closed my eyes in attempt to join his slumber, my mind just spun. I felt sick, I felt lost, I felt nothing at all, just numbing emptiness.
I clambered out of bed at around midday, there was no way I was going to be able to sleep, but I wanted to let Mr. H catch up on his, so, unable to lay there any longer I threw on my running gear and sneakers, chucked my headphones over my ears and turned on the music, as loudly as possible, I needed to drown out all the other chaos in my head, and off I went, out the door, down the street, around the block, then another. I just kept going. Running. Away. Anywhere. Anywhere that wouldn’t remind me of Jade.
I don’t know what time it was when I finally stopped, I didn’t even know where I was. I’d just ran aimlessly. But once I was stationary, it was as if all the tears my body could possibly produce came flooding out of me all at once, like a tidal wave. I just sat there, on the pavement, on the side of some street I’d never seen before. Sobbing.
Checking my phone revealed six missed calls from Mr. H, and two text messages, he was understandably worried, I just couldn’t bring myself to deal with him right now, I didn’t even have enough energy left to stand up.
“Excuse me Miss, are you ok?” A young boy asked.
I suppose a grown woman, sitting on the side of the street sobbing probably isn’t the best look is it?
“Are you hurt?”
“No. Thank you. I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.” A man’s voice said, not a young boy any longer, but a familiar man’s voice that I instantly recognised.
“Come on Hannah, let me get you home, the car is just around the corner. Do you think you can walk?”
“Yes.” I said, climbing to my feet before having to be caught by Mr. H. Clearly I could not, I was more exhausted than I realised. “How did you find me?”
“Your ‘find my phone’ was switched on. And I happen to have it saved to my phone. Luckily.” He said, carrying me like a small child in the direction of his car.
The very moment Mr. H placed me down in to the car seat, I was asleep.
Three days later, and three days before my 26th birthday, we were at Mr. H’s condo, getting prepared to attend Jade’s funeral service. Mr. H had everything organised, my black ensemble was laid out on the bed for me, just a simple black A-line dress, with a dark grey shawl and a pair of low heeled black pumps.
“I don’t think I can go.” I said, “I really don’t want to go, I think I’m sick, I’ve thrown up twice already this morning.”
“I know Baby, it’s going to be awful, it’s perfectly fine to feel this way, but Jade would want you there, and I’ll be there with you, every step of the way. I promise.”
And he was, there’s no denying that. He never left my sight, he barely left my side. Wiping my tears, disposing of my snotty tissues, and holding my hair back when I vomited yet again out behind the old church after the service was over and Jade’s coffin was driven away in the hearse.
“Hannah.” I heard from behind me, it was Jade’s Grandmother, the one who’d raised Jade since she was eight years old, when her Mom went to prison, “Hannah dear, I just wanted to thank you for being such a great friend to my Jade, she always had the nicest things to say about you. She loved you very much you know.” She flung her arms around me, and held me tight. It was now that I could see where Jade had learnt her powerfully healing hugs. I needed that.
As we moved away I saw Ben being comforted by his parents out on the street, I felt bad, I hadn’t reached out to him since we left the hospital, I’d been too lost in my own grief, I didn’t stop to think how badly it would be affecting him. He looked a broken man, of course, he’d lost his future baby and his future wife in one foul swoop.
We locked eyes on each other and were brought together like we were magnetised. We held each other for a long while, just feeling the magnitude of one another’s deep grief. We both loved Jade, in totally different ways, for the exact same reasons.
“We have to make an effort to stay in touch.” Ben said, “Jade would want that, right?”
“I think so, yeah.” I sniffled.
“See you round, Hannah, good luck for that book release and happy birthday for Saturday, Jade had a gift for you at home, I’ll try drop it into you sometime.”
My book release, like I wanted to deal with that right now. My birthday, no thanks.
I just wanted to wallow. And cry. And scream. And hug my friend one more time. I wished I had my parents here like Ben had his, I’d never dealt with such a traumatic experience before. I needed my Mom.
But at least I had Mr. H, and he was doing his darned best to do anything within his power to help me through it.
Chapter Seventeen.
“Happy Birthday Baby girl.” Was the first thing I heard when I opened my eyes. Ugh. No. I don’t want a birthday, I tried closing my eyes, hoping I would instantly be taken back to the more peaceful world of sleep.
“Not so happy, no birthday today thank you.”
“There’s a fresh coffee waiting for you outside, it’s a lovely morning, why don’t you slip on your robe and come out to join me.”
Begrudgingly, I did exactly what he said, I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep now anyway.
Walking out on to the balcony I was surprised by how lovely the morning actually was, it was warm already, with clear blue skies, and the suns reflection on the surrounding water was a spectacular sight. Everything just seemed perfect. It’s so strange how life just carries on after we lose someone we love. You feel as though your whole world has stopped, but looking around, you realise everything just keeps on going as usual. It seems so wrong, so bizarre.
Jade had been my rock since moving here, I didn’t know how to navigate my life here in the city without her by my side. Granted, she had already taught me everything I needed to know, but still. New York just seemed wrong for me now that she wasn’t here.
I guessed, the man standing in front of me, my new rock, would somehow help my world feel the right way up again. I just couldn’t possibly see how right now.
“Hannah,” Mr. H said, “I’m cooking a special meal tonight, I was wondering if there’s anything specifically you would like to eat? Or are we just having Bacon, with bacon rashers, topped with even more chopped bacon?”
I had to smile, and the smile led on to laughter, the first time I’d properly laughed since the day before Jade died. Trust him to use bacon against me like that. But I was glad he did, although I felt somewhat guilty for feeling happiness for a brief moment, it did feel nice to smile. Even if I cried right afterwards.
“Surprise me, with dinner I mean, you know I’m not too fussy.”
“Is there anything else you want to do today? Anything at all?”
I was meant to be working, that was the plan all along, but Mr. H had given me indefinite time off, my job would always be there when I wanted to go back, if I wanted to go back.
“Well… I would like to get out of here for a bit, I’ve been cooped up for too long, maybe we could just take a drive somewhere, anywhere.”
“That. I can do.” Mr. H said, “We will pick up lunch and see where the road takes us. As long as we are back by five so I can get dinner started.”
I had no idea why this dinner was so important to him, I couldn’t care less if we ate out of cardboard boxes for my birthday, but he seem
ed adamant he was cooking some special feast tonight. I decided it was just easier to go along with his plans. I didn’t care what we did or what we ate. I hadn’t been very hungry lately anyway, my tummy still hadn’t properly settled since the day of Jade’s funeral.
We stopped by a deli to pick up some sandwiches for the drive, my stomach growled as we entered, maybe I was hungry after all. The bread smelt overpoweringly delicious, I’d been here plenty of times before but never had it smelt so darn good. Mr. H looked at me as if I’d lost my mind when I kept taking long, deep, inhaling sniffs of the delicious air, announcing how fucking awesome it smelt.
Driving, Mr. H rested his hand on my upper thigh, it felt nice, we hadn’t had sex since before Jade died, I hadn’t felt like I even wanted him to touch me in that way, but at this moment, something was stirring inside me, I was ready to feel his touch again. His intimate touch.
I grabbed his hand, pushing it further up my leg, to rest just beside my throbbing sex, looking up at him, I begged him to pull over and take me right now, right here on the side of the road.
His car was small, much too small, but we managed to make it work, just.
Pushing his seat back as far as it went, he unzipped and pulled his pants down to his ankles, exposing an already very aroused erect penis. I hiked up my dress, slipping off my pink lace panties at the same time, and straddled Mr. H’s lap in the driver’s seat. With one hand he eased his cock inside my pussy as he pulled me down on to it with the other. Wrapping both arms around my shoulders he pounded hard in to me, forcing screams to come flying from my lungs, he was relentless, and incredibly powerful. He had missed this just as much, if not more, than I had.
“Get out of the car.” He said, causing me to practically fall out the door as he opened it, I got back on to my feet with an aggressively loving helping hand wrapped in my hair.
“Palms flat against the bonnet. Don’t scratch the paint.”
Just as I was manoeuvring myself into place, a car came flying past.
I was notably startled, but it didn’t faze Mr. H. Not in the slightest. Not even a blip on his radar. I wished I could be so carefree.
“Spread your legs for me.”
And just like that, on the side of the road, with the occasional car driving past, he entered me from behind, grabbing my hips, forcing himself further inside me, harder and harder with each thrust. He wasn’t holding anything back.
“You like this, don’t you, my dirty little slut.”
“Yes, Yes Sir.”
“You like these people seeing what a good little slut you are. Don’t you?”
“Y-y-y-yes Sir.”
“I know baby, I can feel how wet you are. Such a good girl.”
I couldn’t believe I was getting off on having sex in public, I couldn’t believe how wet I was getting over this, and just when I thought I couldn’t enjoy it any more than I already was, my tight little asshole was violated by a rogue thumb, pushing deep inside and instantly building up one intense orgasm.
Noticing how well I reacted to the thumb, Mr. H reached around the front with his spare hand, alternating between pinching my clit between his fingers, and rubbing it furiously.
It took all of thirty seconds of that action to bring the waves of my orgasm crashing down around his cock, seemingly milking the cum right out of him at the same time.
“Oh fuck Hannah, I’m cumming, what the fuck.” He didn’t see that coming, no pun intended, any more than I saw it coming. The whole roadside fuck-fest was one fast paced and incredibly intense experience, and I’m definitely not opposed to it happening again.
Who am I trying to kid? I needed it to happen again.
After we carried on driving for a little while, we ate our sandwiches, well, I kind of picked at mine more than ate it, it smelt so good but my tummy just wouldn’t allow too much of anything right now, no matter how much I wanted to eat it, and I really didn’t want to lose my lunch all through Mr. H’s hideously expensive Mercedes.
“I’ll drop you back at mine while I go grab some groceries if that’s ok?”
“Of course. This will be the first time you’ve left me alone in your condo though, do you realise that?”
Mr. H laughed, which threw me off, most men wouldn’t want their girlfriends having a chance to dig up any potential dirt or find anything incriminating, but not him.
“Well then, I’d better give you your birthday present so you can let yourself in.” He said, handing over a brand new key for his condo. “Use it anytime, day, night, middle of the night, I don’t care, if I got what I wanted you would be living with me already, so if this is the closest I can get to that, I’m a happy man.”
As I took it from him, a wide grin grew across my face, I had a key, to a multimillion dollar condo, looking out across the majority of New York City. Part of me was wondering why I hadn’t moved in yet. My apartment was the size of his living area alone, and now, my place felt even lonelier than ever. Every time I walked by Jade’s old room, my heart literally ached.
Going up the elevator alone, all the way to the eighteenth floor, and unlocking his condo with my very own key, now that was an experience. I could get used to this.
I put on some music, made myself a coffee, and went and sat in my favourite place in Mr. H’s condo, quite possibly my new favourite place in the entire world – Mr. H’s balcony.
It was so spacious, like a private floating garden above the world below. It felt as though I were floating in the clouds up there. It felt close to heaven. Close to Jade.
Finishing my coffee, I found a shady spot and laid down, I was only meaning to close my eyes for a moment, but I had been so tired lately, any chance I got to lay down, seemed to end in sleep. I didn’t even realise I’d fallen asleep this time, not until I was woken by a tall, dark and handsome Mr. H looming over me.
“You’d better go get changed, our special guests will be arriving shortly.”
“Special…guests?” I was perplexed, this was the first I’d heard of any guests coming tonight.
“Don’t you worry about who, just go put on a nice casual dress. I’ll get dinner started. How does Sea Bass, with couscous and Mediterranean salad sound?”
“Actually… kind of delicious.” I said, as I trundled off upstairs in search of a dress.
I’d started accumulating quite the wardrobe collection at Mr. H’s, he’d even given up half of his walk in closet for my things. Occasionally I would find some brand new pieces added in, a new dress or two, a pair of shoes appearing out of nowhere, and my favourite and the most regular items to find their way in to the closet was lingerie. I loved finding things that he had chosen for me, things that he had imagined on me, and that he wanted to see me in.
However, today was on a whole new level, five brand new dresses to choose from, five new pairs of shoes, and five different sets of lingerie. I wondered why he went with five of each, but what did that really matter in the grand scheme of things.
As I ran my hands across the different textured fabrics of the dresses, my mind went back to Jade, she would’ve got such a kick out of hearing about all these new clothes, we would’ve had a giggle over the phone while she helped me pick out which dress to choose, that’s when I realised, one of the dresses was green. Jade green. It had to be this one. Pairing the simple shift dress with a pair of light brown and cork strappy wedges. It was the perfect outfit to have Jade here with me on my birthday.
I didn’t realise how long I had taken to get ready. By the time I’d walked back down stairs, Mr. H had set the outdoor table, lined with candles, gorgeous crockery and cutlery, it looked just like a magazine photo. Clearly he had done all the designing of his restaurant.
The table was set for four people. Two guests. Hmm.
“You look stunning Hannah, I’m glad you love that dress. It looks gorgeous on you.”
“Thank you Sir.” I said, nuzzling in to his chest, “Thank you for everything.” And I truly meant it, if I hadn’t found Mr. H
when I did, how would I be dealing with the loss of my best friend? What would I be doing tonight, would I have been all alone on my birthday?
‘Knock, Knock, Knock.’
“You’d better go answer the door Hannah.”
I gave Mr. H a look of pure bewilderment as I walked across to the door. Who on earth were we having over for my birthday dinner? There was absolutely no one that I could come up with. Opening the door, I got the surprise of my life, it was the two people in this world that I needed the most right now. I don’t know how he pulled it off, but I have never felt more grateful.
“Happy Birthday Sweet Girl.”
“Mom! Dad!” I cried, “How did you –”
Wrapping their arms around me, they held me tight, just like when I were young, there’s nothing more comforting than your parents embrace.
“Your lovely Callan called us, he organised and paid for everything, I got some pills from the old quack up the street from us, they knocked me right out the minute I got on the plane.” Mom said, “Leaving your dad to enjoy all the perks of a first class flight.”
I looked across to Mr. H, apron on, cooking us a birthday feast, I looked over to my parents, admiring the extravagance of the condo and the world I was living in, I looked out on to the balcony at our awaiting table, the views across the river and city, it was a surreal experience. Almost like I was watching from the outside.
“Dinner’s almost ready, why don’t you guys go out to the table and relax, I’ll be out with everything soon.”
Ugh, this man. How did I end up here, literally on top of Manhattan, with a man who would stop at nothing to make me happy. Was there nothing he could do? He got my Mom on a cross country flight for goodness sake.
As Mr. H placed our delicious meal upon the table and took his seat, he raised his glass,
“Here’s to Hannah, my beautiful girl, Happy Birthday.”
“Cheers” They all said together, all taking a sip of their wine in unison, I followed suit, but I only had one sip, it tasted off to me. I put that down to my dodgy stomach.
MR. H. Page 16