by B. B. Hamel
The thought makes me so sad I can barely explain it, but I just have to keep moving forward no matter what.
4
Elias
Fuck man,” Marko says, shaking his head at me. “When you wanted to get a drink, I thought it would be about your fucking dad.”
I grunt a little. “Yeah, I thought that would be my biggest problem right now.”
“Fuck.” Marko shakes his head, mystified. “I don’t know what to say, man.”
“I know you don’t.”
We sit in silence next to each other. I sip my whisky and stare at the bar, wondering how this is all happening at once, but mostly just picturing Alexa’s face in my mind.
When she said goodbye, I thought I saw something else in her expression. For a second, I thought she was going to ask me to stay with her, or maybe she was going to try to stay with me. Instead, she just turned and left without another word, and that hurt way more than I thought it would.
It took me a day to process all that before I called Marko and asked him to grab a drink with me. We had to meet at this rundown craphole at the edge of town called the Pregnant Pig. It’s the sort of place where your feet stick to the floor ever so slightly and every bit of veneer is starting to peel up, but the drinks are cheap and nobody knows us here. It’s not a mafia bar, and it’s not a political bar, so we’re on neutral ground. It’s where we come when we don’t want to get interrupted.
Marko knows more about this shit than I do. He has a wife and a kid, he’s been through all this before. Well, not exactly all this, and he’s still a fucking gangster, but still. If anyone can tell me what to do, it’s him.
But he doesn’t seem to know what I should do. I don’t know why I expected him to have some insight, just because he got married and had a kid.
“Does it change you?” I ask him after a short silence.
“Being a father?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
He hesitates a second. “No, I mean, I’m still the same piece of shit I’ve always been,” he says.
“So why does everyone talk about it like it’s the most important thing in the world?”
“Because it does change you.” He makes a pained expression, clearly having trouble explaining himself. “Look, it doesn’t change who you are fundamentally, at least not overnight. But having a baby, it means… responsibility. In a way you’ve never experienced before.”
I nod a little. “Makes sense.”
“Your life isn’t your own anymore, not entirely at least.” He sighs and sips his drink. “I’m a fucking mob captain, right? But I still have to be home by seven every night to put my baby to bed. I can go out again after, but I can’t skip bedtime.”
“You could,” I suggest.
“Of course I could,” he says, “but I don’t want to. It makes you think more about other people… about that baby. I don’t know, man, it’s a gradual thing.”
I nod again and sip my drink quietly. I think I understand what he’s saying. It’s not some grand, instant change in the person you are, but it’s an accumulation of things, little differences that add up over time until you’re forever altered into something else. TV and movies all make it seem like some amazing and instant thing, but that’s probably not true. It’s not really true for anything in this world. You’re always fundamentally you… until one day, you wake up, and you’re not.
“So what the fuck am I supposed to do?” I ask him again, not really expecting an answer.
“What’s the girl like?” he asks.
I raise an eyebrow, a small smile on my lips. “Fucking gorgeous,” I say. “I mean, she’s not the kind of girl that you’d see in a club, tits out, ass shaking, you know what I mean? But it’s more subtle than that…” I trail off, not sure how to put it.
“She’s classy pussy,” Marko suggests.
I give him a look, but I can’t help but grin. “Yeah, something like that. Although we fucked the first night we met.”
“Classy ladies can still fuck,” he says sagely.
“Point taken.” I groan a little. “She works for my fucking dad.”
Marko raises an eyebrow. “She’s in politics?”
“No, just in his office. Administrative assistant or some shit.”
Marko shrugs. “She doesn’t care about Buddy or about politics. That’s good.”
“She didn’t even know who I was when we first met.” I smile at that. It felt good for someone to like me for me, instead of the usual women I meet that just want to get closer to the mayor’s office. People always think I can do them fucking favors, and I’m tired of it.
“Even better,” Marko says, laughing. “I didn’t realize there was anyone left in this town that didn’t know the son of the infamous mayor.”
“Yeah, well,” I say, and drink my whisky.
He laughs softly to himself. “It sounds like you actually like her. Has this ever happened before?”
I give him a look, but he’s not wrong. I’ve had maybe two girlfriends in my life, and both of them were in high school. As soon as I realized how to get pussy basically whenever I wanted it, I stopped dating.
“So what, I’m supposed to raise this baby just because I like her?” I ask him.
His smile fades a bit, but he still nods. “Yeah, man. Exactly.”
I take a breath and slowly let it out. “I never wanted to be a father,” I say to him.
“I know.”
“Do you? The only fucking father I ever knew was a piece of shit. Why do I think I’d be any different?”
“You’ve got a lot of control over that.”
“Maybe.” I sigh, leaning forward. “What the fuck am I supposed to do?”
“What do you want to do?” he asks.
“I want her,” I say without thinking.
Marko grins. “I think you have your answer.”
“Shit.” I finish my drink and order another. “She wants to give the baby up for adoption.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “But if I’m going to be a father, I’m going to be a better one than fucking Buddy was.”
“Good man.” Marko pats my shoulder. “You’ve got a few months to change her mind, you know.”
I grin at him. “Oh, yeah? Is that how it works?”
He nods sagely. “I know you’re familiar with the baby-making process, but not so familiar with actually having one.”
I roll my eyes, but there’s a smile on my lips.
For the first time since Alexa came crashing back into my life, I feel like I have a direction.
I’m not admitting to myself that I want to actually raise this baby or any shit like that, but I do know one thing. I want more of Alexa, and I’m going to get it. I can’t pass up this chance, not when I feel like this. Marko’s right about that. He may be a fucking gangster, but he knows a thing or two.
5
Alexa
I keep seeing that last look he gave me, even a few days after I left him.
It was searching, pleading, and confused. It wasn’t the face of a man that was happy to see me leave, which only makes me feel more confused. I want him to want me, of course, since he’s so handsome and we had such a good night that night, but I also don’t want to force him into a relationship that he doesn’t want to be in. Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean he has to marry me or something old fashioned like that.
Even so, before all this happened, there’s still that night we had. The way we talked, flirted, fucked, it all felt so good and so natural. I can’t deny it, even if I wanted to. He made me feel things that night I never knew I could feel, and for a while I really reveled in the glow he left.
Now of course, I’m pregnant and things are more complicated. Still, I wish we could go back to that night and have something like that again.
I can’t get him out of my mind, so I decide to find out a little bit about the father of my baby. At lunch the day after I tell Elias, I sit down wit
h Taylor outside in the courtyard.
She stretches her legs and sighs. Taylor’s taller than me with long blonde hair and pretty dark eyelashes. She’s tan and always smiling and I have no clue what she’s doing working in the mayor’s office instead of modeling somewhere.
“Been a weird few days,” she says to me, sighing. “So many reporters.”
“It’d be nice if the mayor could keep himself out of trouble,” I say.
She shrugs a little. “It’s the way he is. Doesn’t make him a bad mayor.”
I nod a little, although I don’t agree. Instead, I decide to do a little digging. “Is his whole family like that?”
She glances at me, eyebrows raised, a little smile on her lips. “I thought we weren’t going to talk about that.”
I stare at her. “What are you talking about?”
“The mayor’s son.” She laughs a little bit. “You thought nobody noticed?”
I take a sharp breath. Of course everyone knows already. I’m the only idiot in this town that didn’t recognize him right away. All my coworkers saw me talking with Elias and flirting with him at the bar, and I can only imagine what they’re thinking.
I’m suddenly embarrassed, like a freaking idiot. I should’ve been embarrassed much sooner, but I was too stupid to even notice right away.
“Are people talking?” I ask her.
She shrugs. “Not really. I mean, at first they were, but they stopped once the mayor got caught at that strip club. Nobody’s really sure if you’re involved or if you guys are just friends, so I think you’re safe for now.” She hesitates a second. “But I wouldn’t let them get further.”
I groan. “I don’t even want to know what they were saying.”
“No, you don’t, but it’s okay.” She grins at me. “Did you end up going home with him?”
“No,” I say, and it’s not a lie. It’s not the whole truth, of course, but I’m not about to tell her that I slept with him on the roof of that building.
“Marnie says she saw you leave with him.”
“Marnie can suck it,” I say, and Taylor laughs.
“Yeah, she can. She’s terrible, but I thought I’d ask, since we’re talking about it now.”
I sigh a little. “I’m so dumb for not knowing who he was.”
“Yeah, a little bit, but it’s okay. I don’t hold it against you.”
“What’s he like, anyway?” I ask her. “Is he like his father?”
She shrugs a little. “People don’t talk about him much, but I haven’t heard anything bad. I mean, he supposedly gets around and all that, but otherwise…” She shrugs again.
“He seemed really down to earth. Not at all like the mayor.”
“Just because they’re related doesn’t mean he’s going to be exactly like his father.”
I nod a little and take a breath. “Yeah. Okay. Good point.”
“Why?” She gives me a sly grin. “Are you trying to see him again?”
I glare at her. “No, definitely not.”
“Okay, sure,” she says, laughing to herself, genuinely delighted. I’d be more annoyed if she weren’t seeing right through me. “I think you’re in love with the mayor’s son.”
I glare at her and she laughs. I quickly change the subject, but the thought of Elias keeps lingering in my mind.
I know I told him that he’d never see me again… and he won’t. I won’t bother him if he doesn’t want to see me. But I do want to know him a little bit, at least to know where my baby comes from.
Although I don’t know why. I don’t plan on keeping my baby. I’m going to give him or her up for adoption… I’m definitely sure of that…
I try not to go down that path.
A few days pass. I think that Elias is going to fade from my mind eventually, but he doesn’t. Instead, he festers and grows and all I want to do is talk about him, but I can’t.
It all comes to a head one afternoon at lunch, just a few days after talking to Taylor. I’m getting my things together when my phone vibrates, and I stare at the message and the number.
It’s from him, from Elias. I stare at it like it’s some kind of joke for a second before unlocking my phone.
“You hungry? I’m outside.”
I type back to him. “Outside where?”
He answers right away. “In the parking lot of city hall. Hurry, don’t want to get recognized.”
“Are you some kind of celebrity?”
“Some kind.”
I smile to myself, heart beating fast. I quickly grab my things, but Taylor stops me before I can head out.
“Ditching me?” she asks, head cocked.
“Yeah, I’m sorry,” I say quickly. “It’s him. I mean, here to take me to lunch.”
Her eyes go a bit wide. “Really?”
“Really. I gotta run.”
“Okay.” She laughs, shaking her head. “Have fun, I guess.”
I smile and hurry past her, down the stairs and out into the parking lot. I’m so excited I almost miss him, his bike parked in the very back corner. He’s smiling as I approach, and it hits me all over again how handsome he is.
He casually stands up. His bike is leaning against him, a simple chrome and steel thing, beautiful in its simplicity.
“I didn’t expect to see you,” I say stupidly.
He laughs. “Why not?”
“I mean, after the last time we talked,” I say, trailing off.
“Don’t worry about that,” he says.
“Easy for you to say.”
He cringes. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
I smile. “I know. Sorry.”
“Come on. You want to go for a ride?”
I laugh at him. “Is that your line or something? It sounded so rehearsed.”
He grins at me. “It works every time, you know.”
“When you pick up pregnant ladies?”
“Only the pretty ones.”
I roll my eyes. “Okay, you got me. Where are we going?”
“Just somewhere nearby.” He tosses me a helmet he has sitting on the back of his bike. “Put that on and let’s go.”
He climbs onto the bike and I follow his lead. I slide the helmet on over my head and straddle behind him, gripping onto his waist. He pulls my hands tighter, backs out of the spot, and we pull out into traffic.
It’s exhilarating, although scary at first. I keep thinking we’ll fall over, but eventually I get the hang of it. We only ride for a few minutes before we pull off the main streets and start taking little alleyways. We end up parking in a damp alley in some neighborhood I don’t even recognize.
We climb off the bike and he takes the helmet from me. I almost don’t want to give it back, because it smells like him, warm and bold.
“This is your idea of a romantic lunch?” I ask him.
He grins at me. “Who said I’m trying to be romantic?” He laughs at the look on my face and takes my hand. “Come on.”
We walk to a little boring-looking door. He knocks twice and it opens. A skinny dark-skinned man with dark eyebrows looks out at us.
“Luis,” Elias said. “Thanks for doing this.”
“Anything for you, man,” he says. “Come on. Boss is busy right now, so you got time.”
“Good shit.” I notice Elias slip Luis some money, although I can’t see how much. Luis leads us into a kitchen, and I realize that we’re going into the back of a really nice high-end restaurant.
I follow Elias out into the main room. He takes a quick left and we sit down at the table right outside the kitchen. Luis pokes his head out and nods before heading back into the kitchen.
I stare at Elias before laughing. “What is this?”
“Just a little favor Luis owes me,” he says.
“You know, for a guy that doesn’t love being the son of the mayor, you sure act like the son of the mayor.”
He laughs at that, and I feel a little relieved. I was worried he might be insulted.
“I guess
I take after my father in some ways,” he says. “We both like people.”
“How do you know Luis?”
“Did some work on his bike and did it for cheap.”
“That was nice of you.”
“Nah,” he says, grinning. “Always do a cook a favor. It always pays off.”
I laugh at him and find myself leaning forward as he talks, looking into his eyes. He asks me about how the office has been lately, although he doesn’t outright talk about his father. I tell him about my coworkers, Marnie in particular. Luis comes out not long later with three plates, one for each of us, and another for the table. The center plate has a caprese salad on it, which is startlingly good, and we each get a smaller portion of cacio e pepe.
“Enjoy,” Luis says before leaving.
I take a bite and my eyes go wide. “Holy crap,” I say, mouth still full. “This is amazing.”
Elias laughs. “I know, right? Like I said, always do a cook a favor.”
We both eat mostly in silence. I don’t have anything to say right now, except to talk about how good this pasta is. It’s so simple and yet so complex. I have no clue how Luis did it, but I’m totally blown away. I don’t mean to, but I end up eating the whole plate.
Elias smiles at me over his water. “I’m glad you liked it,” he says.
I let out a sigh. “I’m going to be really unproductive for the rest of the day,” I admit to him.
“That’s okay. I doubt Buddy will notice.”
I grin a little. “He’s not even in the office today.”
He sighs. “Of course not.”
I laugh, and there are a bunch of stories I could tell him about the mayor, but I get the feeling that they won’t come off as funny. Most people love my hilarious Buddy stories, but I suspect his son will see the tragedy in them instead of the comedy.
“I’m glad you came with me today,” he says, leaning back in his seat. “I got the feeling you didn’t want to see me again after last time.”