by Pat Spence
“Yes?” I whispered, leaning closer towards him.
“I really like you, you know that, don’t you?”
“I guess so…”
“Emily, you know there’s a huge attraction between us, don’t tell me you haven’t felt it…”
“I have felt it,” I said softly, aware that my whole future lay in the balance with my choice of words. If I said the wrong thing, I knew instinctively I would lose him. “I’ve never felt anything like it before,” I admitted.
So far, we hadn’t touched. There was an odd formality to what should be an intimate occasion and again I felt way out of my depth. I didn’t have the experience to know what to do, and so I let him take the lead. He touched my face gently with his fingertips and I closed my eyes. A sensation of immense peace and what I can only describe as ‘togetherness’ filled my being. Was this love? Was it lust? I didn’t think so. This seemed almost transcendental, a deep, intense spiritual fulfilment, allied with total confusion.
I opened my eyes and gazed into his beautiful face. Surely this was the moment when we kissed?
He backed away again, and a look of torture passed over his face.
“I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to lose you… ever again,” he said more to himself than to me.
“You won’t,” I said uncertainly. “Look, why don’t we just take this slowly, see what happens?” I decided to take the lead, aware that this intensity, although delicious in its painfulness, was getting us nowhere. He stared at me and smiled, a glorious, radiant, sun-warming smile that transformed his face. “You’re right, sorry, I’m getting heavy… Not used to feeling like this.” Now he was the one who was uncertain.
Suddenly, his arms were around me and I was enveloped in an all-consuming embrace. It felt like a velvet cloak around me, safe, protective and warm, and I relaxed into it. Yet still, he didn’t kiss me. He seemed so unsure of himself, so nervous, it gave me confidence.
“Why don’t we just hang out together and see what happens?” I suggested, pulling back, aware that lessons were about to start again, and I needed to get going.
“Okay,” he said, laughing. “Let’s hang out together. Starting with lunch. Let me buy you lunch today.”
“Great,” I smiled at him, and suddenly my world was transformed. In the space of a few seconds, I had a boyfriend. And not just any boy. It was Theo. Gorgeous, sophisticated, model-like Theo. I couldn’t wait to see the looks of the other girls when we sat down to have lunch together.
He took my hand in his and we walked back together. I was floating on a cloud of euphoria and hardly heard a word my tutors uttered over the next two hours. My thoughts were filled with one thing only. Theo. His eyes, his smile, his skin, the feel of his arms around me.
Later, on the school bus I played my favourite Lumineers’ song, ‘Ho Hey’, loudly on my iPod all the way home, mouthing the words over and over, and grinning from ear to ear. This song was meant for me. I was totally hooked.
9. Surveillance I
Just outside Hartsdown College, at number 27 Gillyflower Lane, which formed the eastern boundary of the school and college grounds, Mrs Henforth was enjoying her usual mid morning tipple.
She took the crystal decanter out of the sideboard and poured herself a generous schooner of Tio Pepe sherry. Raising the glass to a photograph of her late husband, which held pride of place on the crocheted mat on the top of the sideboard, she said, “Cheers, Harry, here’s to you, darling. Just a little snifter to see me through the morning.” She picked up an old pair of binoculars that lay on the coffee table and lovingly caressed them. Somehow, it seemed to bring her closer to Harry. She remembered all those happy days when they’d packed a picnic and taken off across the woods towards Hartswell-on-the-hill. Harry had liked nothing better than to sit in the bushes, watching the bird life, while she sat on the picnic blanket and read a book.
“Look,” he would exclaim, excitedly, “a Tree Creeper” or “a Lesser Spotted Woodpecker”, as some feathered wonder flew into view, and out would come the binoculars. “Yes, dear, that’s lovely,” she would say, on autopilot, lost in the intrigue of her latest whodunit novel. He’d spend ages oohing and aahing over each find, pulling out his battered old sketchbook and avidly sketching them as fast as he could.
The book was full of his drawings: chaffinches, green finches, blue tits, long tailed tits, wrens, blackbirds, thrushes, robins and, best of all, a kestrel. She vividly remembered the day he’d seen the kestrel. It had sat on a branch so close to them you could see every feather of its mottled back and underbelly. Harry hadn’t needed the binoculars it had been so close. That had been a very exciting day.
Now, she idly picked up the binoculars and put them to her eyes, twiddling the knobs to get the lenses into focus.
“Never could work these things,” she said to herself crossly. “It’s down to having an astigmatism, that’s what it is.”
She walked over to the front bay window and trained the binoculars on the trees opposite, turning the knob furiously in an attempt to focus the blurry mass of green that met her gaze.
“Ah, that’s better,” she exclaimed, “l can see a branch, and I can make out the leaves, and… oh…”
She gasped in surprise as a large beak and a pair of glittering black eyes came into view. She put down the binoculars and rubbed her eyes. Then she raised them again and took another look. There was no mistaking it. A huge bird sat in the tree opposite, looking at her malevolently, its black feathers ruffling in the breeze. A glance down its body revealed a long, sleek breast and two massive taloned claws.
“Oh my, Harry, I wish you were here to see this,” she exclaimed. “What a beauty. If I didn’t know better, I’d say it was an eagle. Let me find that bird book so’s I can identify it.”
She put down the binoculars, opened the sideboard door and rummaged around, looking for Harry’s old Collins Book of Birds. A sudden movement caught her eye and she looked up, just as the bird took flight. For a brief second, it flew towards her front window and she saw clearly its cruel, hooked beak, its glinting, gleaming eyes and powerful, outstretched wings. Its gaze locked with hers and she shuddered involuntarily, as if someone had just walked over her grave. Then it was gone, skimming silently over her house and creating a momentary dark shadow as it flew across the sun.
10. Getting close
I was right. My relationship with Theo was the talk of the college. Groups of girls would whisper fervently as I approached, then fall silent as I walked past, staring at me with looks of envy, admiration and disgust. How could I, insignificant Emily Morgan, have possibly ensnared the best catch in the college? Theo stood head and shoulders above all the other boys, if not actually, then figuratively. He was, quite plainly, more handsome, more rugged and more athletic than any of his peers. He was charming, funny, intelligent and thoughtful. He was certainly more sophisticated than all the other boys put together, with a knowledge of the world they could only guess at. And yet, for all that, he was popular. Boys and girls alike seemed drawn to him, willing to be charmed by him, falling prey to his easy manners and social graces, like moths to a flame. It was an analogy I used all too frequently when I thought of Theo and made me realise my wings were already scorched and burnt.
I knew I was getting in too deep, too quickly, but was powerless to do anything about it. I felt exhilarated, yet out of control; my feelings and emotions like alien beings that had taken me over. I welcomed this brave new world that had opened before me and wouldn’t have changed a thing, yet part of me longed to go back to the tried and trusted world I knew, where my feelings could remain hidden and I had the comfort of my friends around me.
That was part of the problem. Tash and I had fallen out since I started seeing Theo. I would like to think it was just plain old jealousy, but I didn’t think it was. I trusted Tash’s judgment implicitly, after all she was my oldest friend. She’d detected something about Theo and Violet that she didn’t like and she felt mistru
stful of them. It hurt her that I wouldn’t listen to her doubts and warnings and I knew she worried about me, rather than being envious. But what could I do? I couldn’t stay tied to Tash’s apron strings forever. I felt instinctively that Theo was my future, and that had to come first. But I also felt the pain of our separation keenly, and wondered if we would ever get back that cosy intimacy we’d shared for so many years.
When she saw us together in the café that first lunchtime, holding hands and gazing at one another over the table, Tash had been quite unpleasant.
“So, how long has this been going on for?” she demanded, sitting on the seat next to me and throwing down her backpack on the table.
“It’s just started…” I began to say, but she cut me short.
“Oh, save it. D’you think I’m an idiot? It’s obviously been going on for a while, and you didn’t have the guts or the decency to tell me. Well, it’s obvious who comes first, isn’t it? And it’s not your friends.”
“Tash, why are you being like this?” I failed to understand her animosity.
“It’s okay,” said Theo, diplomatically, “I understand. You feel let down and…”
She cut him short. “Let’s get one thing straight, Blondie,” she said nastily to Theo. “You don’t understand how I feel and you never will. I don’t feel let down. The problem is I don’t trust you. We don’t know anything about you, and you might have pulled the wool over Little Miss Naivety’s eyes here, but you don’t fool me. There’s something about you and your sister that doesn’t add up. And I am determined to find out what it is.”
Theo attempted to placate her. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I will never hurt Emily, she’s too important to me.”
Tash shot him a venomous look. “Save it, Blondie, I don’t want to hear it. I’ll be watching you and as soon as you put one foot out of place, you’ll have me to answer to. D’you understand?” She spat the words into his face and I sat speechless, too shocked by her words to know what to say.
Again Theo smiled, but I sensed a chilliness beneath his outward demeanour.
“Like I said, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I warn you, Tash, don’t cross me or my family.” He let go of my hand, folded his arms defensively and stared at her.
“Like I’m really scared,” she mocked him. “Gotta go, some of us have work to do.”
She looked at me dismissively and grabbed her backpack, swinging it violently over her shoulder. “See you around, Emmie.”
With that parting shot, she tossed her long red hair over her shoulder and walked out of the café with her head held high.
Theo looked after her, a worried expression on his face.
“Sorry about that,” I said softly. “I don’t know what’s the matter with her. She’s not normally like that. I think either she’s jealous, or more likely, worried about me.”
“Yes, I’m sure that’s it,” said Theo, smiling, but there was no mistaking the coldness in his eyes.
We didn't fare much better with Seth. He wasn’t as bad as Tash, but he certainly wasn’t over-friendly. He eyed us holding hands with suspicion and before I had chance to speak to him, muttered something about rugby practice and having to go.
He accosted me later on that afternoon, as we walked to a tutorial together.
“So, what’s going on Emmie?” he asked. “This is all very sudden with Theo, isn’t it? You never mentioned anything to me or Tash.”
“Well, I suppose it is very sudden, but it’s not like I’m getting married to him. We’re only dating, and it’s only just begun. There’s been nothing to tell.” I failed to understand why my friends were making me feel so defensive. I had nothing to feel guilty about. This was their problem, not mine. If they didn’t want to see me happy, they knew what they could do.
“Okay,” said Seth, “just don’t forget us, will you?”
“Of course not,” I answered, feeling very perplexed with it all. “He’ll probably get bored with me after a few dates.”
Seth just looked at me and walked into the tutorial, silently finding his seat and sprawling in his chair. I sat down and once again failed to take in anything, so disturbed were my feelings and thoughts.
As I turned the key in my locker and took out my coat, ready to get the bus home, Theo was there once again.
“Hi, Emily,” he planted a light kiss on my forehead. “I thought you might like a lift home…”
“Oh,” I said, startled, “You mean, in your car…?
“No, on the front of my bicycle. Yes, of course in the car. What else would I mean?” he grinned at me.
“Okay,” I laughed, trying to gather my thoughts. “Is Violet alright with this?”
“I don't have to get permission from Violet for everything I do,” he pointed out.
“No, I know, I didn’t mean that,” I said awkwardly. Yet again, he was making me feel naïve and gauche. “I’m just not sure she approves of you seeing me.”
“You leave Violet to me,” he said sharply. “Now, do you have everything?”
“Yes,” I answered, closing my locker door. I saw Seth at the end of the corridor and called after him. “Seth, can you tell Tash I’m not catching the bus? I’m getting a lift with Theo…”
I know he heard me, because he turned and looked at me. But he didn’t respond, just turned on his heel, his expression unreadable, and walked away. I stared after him.
“Guess your friends don’t think much of me, do they?” said Theo.
“Oh, they’ll be fine,” I said, trying to convince myself. “They just need a bit of time. Don’t worry about them.”
“I don’t,” said Theo, with arched eyebrows. “It’s you I’m interested in, not them.”
The way he looked at me made my stomach flip and goose bumps run down my spine. I shuddered, feeling completely weak in his presence. I would do anything for this boy. Even give up my friends.
“Come on,” he said, taking my bag, and I followed him down the stairs, past the main hall, into the reception area, and out into the open air. As we walked through the college gates, I saw the gleaming black Jaguar and the unpleasant chauffeur lounging by the car door.
“Hi Aquila,” said Theo, walking up to the car. “One more to take home today. This is Emily.”
“Hi, Aquila,” I muttered shyly from behind Theo’s back, aware that this odious man didn’t like me.
His black eyes glittered at me. “Yes, we’ve met,” he said dismissively, asking Theo, “Do your mother and father know about this?”
Theo laughed shortly. “And what are they going to do about it? We’re only giving Emily a lift home, what’s your problem?”
“No problem,” he answered through gritted teeth, and opened the door roughly, saying to me, “Get in, please.”
I slid onto the smooth leather seats looking around me. This was the kind of luxury I could get used to. Theo sat next to me, placing his leg close to mine. My insides flipped again and I felt frozen to the spot, my body tensing in anticipation of things to come. Should he be doing this? Was it appropriate? Appropriate or not, it felt fantastic, and I grinned at him, feeling like the cat who’s got the cream. He smiled back, his wonderful, sunny smile, and I knew, whatever happened, whoever disapproved, I didn’t care. I just wanted to be with him. There was a slight commotion outside as Violet arrived and was ushered into the front seat by Aquila. She turned and looked at us angrily.
“Hi Emily, did you miss the bus?”
“Er, no…” I stuttered, “Theo said I could have a lift home.” I glanced at Theo for support.
“It’s okay, Vi, don’t get in a sweat,” he smiled sweetly at his sister. “Emily only lives down the road from the hall, it’s no problem to drop her off.”
“If you say so,” said Violet, frostily and turned, staring very deliberately through the front window. “Can we have some music on, Aquila?” she asked, without even looking at the chauffeur, who by now was sitting in the driving seat, with the en
gine idling. “Elgar’s Salut d’Amour would seem appropriate,” she added sourly.
“Sure. Why not?” he said stonily, not looking back at her and pressed a button on the console.
Beautiful music filled the cabin, and it would have been perfect had not the atmosphere been so chilly. I sat, feeling perplexed. What was with this weird family? I couldn’t get their measure at all. Surely Violet wasn’t jealous of me being with Theo? And why did the hook-nosed Aquila seem to dislike me so intensely? He looked at me as if I was a piece of meat on a plate, and I felt very uneasy in his presence. Frightened, even. If he was a servant, he had no business having opinions about me. Surely he was there to do his job? Something didn’t add up, but I couldn’t work out what it was.
Then Theo took my hand in his and all my doubts and insecurities melted away. I felt safe and protected. The haunting melody of the violin filled the air and I sat back against the smooth, cool leather, losing myself in the experience. I’d come a long way in the last few days. From being a sad no-hoper without even the glimmer of a love life, I now had the best-looking boy I’d ever met as my boyfriend, and I was being taken home in his chauffeur-driven car. Who’d have guessed at the beginning of the week that life could take such an upward turn? I squeezed Theo’s hand and he squeezed it back, making me smile. I didn’t need to look at him, I knew he was feeling as happy as I was. I purposefully didn't look in the driver’s rear view mirror and risk seeing Aquila’s scowling, angry face. Why spoil a perfect moment with his unpleasantness?
It hardly seemed to take two minutes before we’d arrived back in the village and I was giving Aquila directions, although I got the sense he already knew where I lived, for all the attention he gave me. The sleek black Jaguar pulled up outside my house, and Aquila unwillingly got out of the driver’s seat and opened my door, looking at me coldly.