by D. Kelly
The past few years, Daniel has helped me become a better man. I finally feel like I’m becoming what I wanted all along—a man with a purpose and a life independent from the expectations of others. I’m suddenly on the other side of the fence and wish I could help him. Daniel has fallen into a deep pit of loss and heartbreak; I know the feeling well. I don’t think he misses Vanessa, that’s not what this is about. I think it’s more that he gave his heart and soul completely to someone else and she shattered his trust. I know exactly how that feels, and I have absolutely no advice to give him on how to get out of it.
We’ve tried to get him out of the house to go to the gym, the bar, hell, we even tried a guys’ trip to Vegas but he didn’t even want to go. For some reason, he’s spending all his time in his old room at his parents’ house. I figure he’s staying there because his house reminds him of all the time he spent there with her. Bev is worried and Rick is basking in the glory that he was right about Vanessa. Even so, he’s lightened up a lot on Daniel. For six months he’s been a real ass to him because, like me, he got a bad vibe from Vanessa. At least Daniel’s still working, but even then he’s somewhat distracted which isn’t a good thing in the construction business. Rick has been trying to keep him off anything he could really screw up or get hurt doing since his head isn’t really in it.
The crazy part of it all is that we’ve grown closer. I was so afraid he was going to cut me out of his life completely, but it’s almost as if our crazy experience has bonded us even more. Vanessa did contact him, and they had it out, but since then she’s left him alone. I wish I could say I’ve been as lucky, but she’s called and texted me. I just keep deleting them and ignoring the calls. I hope that she gets the hint soon because I don’t want anything to do with her crazy ass.
Since I couldn’t get Daniel to come with me, it’s just Jake and I hanging out at his house. April’s off at a baby shower for a friend of hers.
“So do you think April’s going to come back home dreaming of pre-wedding babies?”
Jake snorts, “Hardly. That girl is dead set on establishing not only a career but our marriage before having kids. If it were up to me, we’d already have kids. We’ve been together almost twelve years now and I’m tired of putting everything on hold. That’s weird, right? Most guys would be happy to dodge kids but I’m ready to jump right in.”
I think back to how badly I wanted babies with Katherine right after high school. I can only imagine how much that want would have grown if we had stayed together.
“No, I don’t think it’s weird. You’re just being honest. At least she knows how you feel. She knows you’re so in love with her that you’re ready to take that step. Even if she won’t admit it, I’m sure that makes her feel confident in your relationship. Not that she doesn’t already, but kids just kind of solidify things. I get where you’re coming from even if most guys wouldn’t.”
He’s quiet while he flips the burgers on the grill and drinks his beer. “You know, Mike, I don’t pry into your life and never would, but I’ve pieced together enough over the years to know that whoever she was, you need her.”
“Yeah, that might be true, but needing someone and being what’s best for them, or them being what’s best for you, aren’t always the same thing.”
“True. I don’t know what you were like before but I know you’ve changed the past few years. She might see those changes and like them. Hell, I’m not one to give relationship advice. By the grace of God I met April in high school and have been lucky enough to hold on to her ever since. She’s the only real relationship I’ve ever had. I can imagine if I didn’t have her I would do what you do after a while.”
“What is it you think I do?”
He shakes his head and laughs at me. “You know what you do you, fool. You screw anything you can, whenever you can, but you never take one home and you never talk to them again. You’re trying to forget her but it’s not working, is it?”
Well, looks like Jake isn’t just quietly brooding all the time; he’s actually paying attention. I kind of figured, but I never really thought he was putting that much thought into me.
“Look, after that first day when I accused you of checking April out, I also noticed that when you looked at her or us it was with a reverence, or a longing maybe. But it was also with a deep sadness. That’s why I eased off of you. I knew you were coming off of something bad, something you missed. I’ve been hoping that you would have figured it all out by now but I guess not.”
“It’s complicated.”
“The best things in our lives typically are.”
“True that. Look, I’m thinking about it, a lot, but I don’t know when or if the right time will ever come. Sometimes you just have to leave the past in the past.”
“And sometimes you have to stir shit up when it’s important. Are your dreams getting better?”
How in the hell does he know about my dreams?
“How do you know about those?”
“That night Vanessa roofied your ass, you went up to crash and we passed you on the way into the house. You were muttering something to the effect of ‘hopefully tonight I won’t have any more goddamn dreams’ and we didn’t say anything because it’s not our business, but I can piece two and two together pretty well.”
I really wish we were not having this conversation right now. “Look, Jake, I appreciate you looking out for me, I do. I hope that you can keep your observations to yourself. I came here for a fresh start and I found it. Other than the nightly dreams that bring my old life crashing into my new one, things are great. I know I’m going to have to get some closure or something eventually because someday I’ll want to move on. Until then, let it go.”
“Fair enough. I’ll let it go and keep it all to myself if you answer me one question.”
I draw a deep breath and let it out. “Shoot”
“Did you love her like I love April and did she love you back the same?”
“That’s two questions, asshat.”
Jake smirks at me, “Consider it one; I didn’t take a breath in between them.”
God that sounds like something Connor would say.
“Look, I’ve watched you guys for a while. You have an effortlessness to your love that we didn’t have. I’m not sure why we didn’t have that, at the time I thought we did. We had a soul searing, long lasting, and all-encompassing love. When we crashed and burned it was hard, fast, and messy. There were casualties in the destruction, other people got hurt. It wasn’t fun. I still can’t really talk about it. Just take my advice, hold on to April and don’t let her go. If I wasn’t such an asshole, I probably could have avoided the entire thing.”
Nodding, he replies, “For what it’s worth, you’re not really an asshole anymore. And for the record, if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life, it’s that the best pieces of ourselves are worth fixing when they break.”
I know he isn’t referring to me, but to my relationship, and he has a point.
My phone starts ringing and I know it’s Vanessa before I even look at it.
Saved by the bell. “Is that her again?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you going to tell Daniel she keeps calling you?”
I’ve asked myself that a dozen times.
“I don’t think so. What will that accomplish? It’ll either piss him off or make him even sadder. I know she hasn’t called him. She’ll get the hint eventually; I have nothing to say to her.”
We’re mostly quiet while we eat our burgers. Jake offers me a beer but I decline, taking water instead. I have to drive back up tonight and I’m going to try like hell to get Daniel out of that room.
“I’ve noticed you’re not really drinking anymore, is it because of that night?”
“Yup, I don’t ever want to get myself in that situation again. I like control and I didn’t have any that night. I still feel sick about the whole thing.”
“I’ve been wanting to ask you something but didn’t kno
w exactly how to. So fuck politically correct, I just want to know. Do you feel like she took advantage of you?”
“No, but I’m disgusted and honestly creeped out by the entire situation. I think from the tiny bit I remember that I must have been into it and I’m sure that was only because I didn’t know it was her. It’s still hard to reconcile that I wasn’t having sex with Debbie. I don’t know for sure that Vanessa put anything in my drink so I think that helps me not dwell on it completely. If I had been coherent, I would’ve never been with Vanessa. She gave me the willies from day one.”
“So what’s the plan now?”
“I’m going to head back and try to get Daniel out of the house. Do you want to come? It might help.”
“Ha! You know that isn’t going to help. We’ve been down this road. He’ll come around when he’s ready. I’m going to stick around here. April wants to talk wedding stuff when she gets back.”
“Well, you have fun with that one. Just agree to it all and you’ll be fine.”
“Man, isn’t that the truth. At least when I’m agreeable she seems to get horny, so it works out in my favor.”
“Later, man.”
“Later, Mike. Hey, one more thing before you go. If something that bad ever happens to April and me, the way it happened to you, remind me to swallow my pride. I’m good at being stubborn and I don’t want to lose out on years with her that I can never get back. Especially when we all know she’s the one that owns me heart and soul.”
Son of a bitch
“Will do, and point well made.”
~~~***~~~
Even though I want to get back to Daniel, I detour and take PCH home. There’s a beautiful sunset tonight that looks amazing reflected in the ocean. Last month marked three years since the last day I spent with Katherine in our spot. I knew it was inevitable that I would eventually be drawn here, like a moth to the flame, right?
The beach is a very sensory laden place for me. It sets off every sensor in my body. I love the scent of the ocean, and walking barefoot through the sand continuously pulls memories to the front of my mind. They’re so overwhelming and difficult to process and yet so comforting at the same time. From the first day I got my license, the beach had become our special place. I wonder if she still comes here. I look around as the thought flickers through my mind, as if she’s suddenly going to transport here just because I’m thinking about her. There’s no one around, though, just me and my memories.
“Michael, I know the Bahamas were nice but don’t you love it so much better here? Someday when we’re ready to settle down we should buy that house up there on the bluff. How amazing would it be to live in our favorite place?”
“Hmm, pretty amazing. I don’t know, the Bahamas were pretty amazing, too. The water was clear, the beach was private, the drinks were tropical, my sexy as fuck girlfriend was naked, and the sex was off the charts amazing. I don’t think either of us have ever let our inhibitions go like we did that day. It was hot, imagine how much hotter it will get as we get older.”
“It was pretty hot and a nice end to a crappy trip. I was way too sick the entire vacation. Seeing the island doctor was not my idea of fun.”
“Maybe not, but we can have some fun now. How about we let our inhibitions go and take a walk down memory lane. Are you game?”
That was my first missed opportunity—right before I made love to her in the ocean I should have proposed. I wasn’t ready to leave our own private paradise and once I proposed I wanted us locked away on the boat, so I waited. What is it they always say? Hindsight is twenty/twenty, if I knew then what I know now…
“So are you ready for next week? I’m so freaking excited I can’t stand it.”
“Nah, I think instead of moving you to the condo I’m going to kidnap you.”
“Oh really? And why would you want to do that?”
She was so beautiful, her emerald green bikini showed off all her curves and my baby had amazing curves. I ran my hands across her shoulders and pulled her even closer to me. My lips were just a kiss away from hers.
“Because it’s time I have you all to myself. No more sharing you unless it’s with our kids. Let’s just run away and live in the Bahamas. It could be such a great life. With your money and mine we’d never have to work or go to school. We could just spend our days making love on our private beach.”
Before I had a chance to close the small gap between us with a kiss that I would follow up with the big question, she laughed at me.
“Michael, as much as that is an interesting idea, we can’t go anywhere. We have school starting and kids are so far into our future they’re just speckles of dust in the outer layers of the atmosphere right now. Besides, what about our families and Jessica?”
“Jessica can come with us. We’ll find her a nice guy to fall in love with, and until then, she can be our nanny. Who cares about our families? They’re rich, they’ll come and visit.”
“Not that I’m considering this for a second, but Jessica would probably make a really good nanny. With as much shit as Chloe put her through she would really understand the kids she worked with.”
“She would be a great nanny but you would be an even better mom.”
“Yeah, someday maybe.”
And that was my second missed opportunity because I knew at that moment her mind was on Lila.
“Do you think it will always be so easy between us?”
“I guess it depends in what context you mean. I’m sure we’re going to have our share of ups and downs but that just means we’ll get to have amazing make-up sex.”
“You’re such a man! Your mind immediately goes to sex. I guess I just mean that we essentially fell into this relationship and I’m so grateful for it every single day, you have no idea. Aside from a few things we’ve just sailed through it all. We’re in sync with each other, so much so, that sometimes I wonder when the bottom is going to fall out, and once it does, how hard will it be for us to keep it together since we’ve never had any major problems before?”
I leaned down and kissed the top of her head, pulling her tighter into my arms as we watched the sun go down. She smelled like fresh air and flowers, a scent I would never get enough of.
“Don’t worry about stuff like that, Katherine. So far we’ve been blessed to not have to deal with anything that serious. I was just telling Jessica that we need to keep working on our communication. Talk to me when there’s a problem and I’ll do the same. If the bottom falls out, I’ll always catch you in the end. Just have faith in me, have faith in our love. That’s why it’s easy, Katie Grace, because everything we do is surrounded in never ending faith and love.”
I should have done it then, that would have been the perfect opportunity, but something about the moment was too serious. I was afraid it would seem like I was proposing in desperation even though it was obviously well planned out. And then, like life, the perfect moment just slipped away and the bottom truly did fall out from under us. I wondered if I were to go back, if she would remember that conversation and still have enough faith in us to let me back in.
I miss her. Being without her for three long years has wreaked havoc on my soul. I can only imagine what it did to her. Katherine was always very sensitive and my harsh words that night could have completely changed her outlook on men and love forever. I guess that answers my question of going back doesn’t it? I’m just not ready to see how my destruction and despair has changed her. Besides the fact that I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to hear her say she isn’t in love with me anymore. Hearing those words would destroy me.
~~~***~~~
Daniel’s lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling when I get to the house. This is nothing new. Whenever he isn’t at work this is how I find him. I’ve had enough of it already; Vanessa wasn’t worth it. He speaks to me but doesn’t even turn his head to look at me.
“You smell like the beach.”
I chuckle “That’s very observant of you. I guess you’re re
lying on your sense of smell lately since you don’t seem to be using the rest of them. Let’s go get a beer and get you out of this room.”
“I’m good, thanks anyway”
So freaking stubborn. “No, you’re not good. I’ve got the cavalry on call, one group text and they’re all coming over and we’re going to have a sit in right here. You have a choice, you can get up and come outside with me and have a beer in Bev’s garden OR I send out a text to the masses and your space will be permanently invaded within the hour.”
I’m lying through my teeth but he doesn’t know that. If I wanted to, all I have to do is send one text and they would all be here. He knows it, too. The last thing he wants is for everyone to show up and invade his space.
“You’re a bastard. I’ve told you that, right?”
“Yup, numerous times, but I’m a bastard with a purpose and right now you are my purpose. So we can do this the easy or the hard way. Drink a six pack of Guinness outside with me, or four people will be having a sit in tonight in your room. Your choice.”
“At least you got the good beer. Let’s go outside.”
“I always get the good beer and I even brought tequila because I love your heartbroken ass so much.”
“Tequila first, and I’m not heartbroken. Not exactly, I don’t miss Vanessa one bit.”
Bev smiles the biggest one I think I’ve ever seen when we walk through the kitchen, and it gets even bigger when Daniel plants a kiss on her head. She’s a smart lady and doesn’t say a word as we pass through. She wouldn’t want to say anything that would have Daniel heading back to his room.
Out on the table I’ve got beer, tequila, and In N Out Burgers—all of Daniel’s favorites. I’m hoping it will be a good start to get him out of this funk. He ignores the shot glasses and drinks straight from the bottle. I guess it’s going to be one of those nights. It’s about time this guy loosens up a bit.