I must learn to do the same, I thought.
I had to cease to mourn what could never be and learn to make the most of what was possible. And I would begin by trying to mend the hurts of the past.
Asking General Yuwen to bring me paper, brush, and ink, I sat up late, composing a letter of sympathy to Li Po’s mother.
EIGHTEEN
The very next morning the outriders appeared, giving us warning that the Son of Heaven would soon arrive. A great space had been prepared in the middle of the camp for his tent, with those of the princes flanking it on the left side, the side of the heart.
As soon as word reached him of his father’s approach, Prince Ying sent soldiers to line the road-way, so many that they stood six deep. Not only would this give many men who had fought bravely the chance to see the emperor, it meant that the Son of Heaven would be welcomed by those who had fought for China’s cause.
The minor court officials appeared first, followed by the members of the emperor’s own household. The silk of their elaborate robes seemed to dazzle my eyes.
“There are so many of them,” I murmured to General Yuwen.
He smiled. “That is not the half of them,” he replied. “Only those most suited to travel. The rest stayed behind in Chang’an.”
“No wonder my father found it quiet in the country,” I said.
“Look!” General Yuwen said, pointing. “The Son of Heaven arrives!”
There was a flash of gold, like sunlight glancing off a mirror, and suddenly I could see the emperor himself. His horse was the color of sable. The Son of Heaven’s cloak spread across the horse’s back. Though lined with fur to protect him from the cold, it was also embellished with the figure of a five-clawed dragon embroidered in gold thread. The embroidery was so thick, the stitches so fine, that as the cloak shifted in the wind it seemed as if the dragon would leap from the emperor’s back and take to the sky.
Straight to the center of camp the Son of Heaven rode, to where the princes stood in front of his tent to welcome him. As he approached, all those assembled knelt to do him honor. I had practiced kneeling and then standing up again, in the privacy of my tent. It’s hard to kneel with only one arm for balance. The last thing I wanted was to humiliate myself and bring dishonor to my family by falling on my face as I paid homage to the Son of Heaven.
The emperor brought his horse to a halt.
“My sons, I come to celebrate your great victory,” he said.
“Father,” Prince Ying replied. “You are most welcome.”
“I give thanks for your safety,” the emperor went on, “as I give thanks for the safety of China. Rise now that you may look into my face and see how much I love and honor you.”
At their father’s instruction the princes stood, even as the emperor dismounted. He embraced each in turn.
“Where is the archer?” the emperor inquired. “Let me see Hua Wei’s child.”
I felt my heart give a great leap into my throat.
“There, Father,” Prince Jian said. “Beside General Yuwen.”
“Rise and come forward, child.”
I did as the emperor commanded, a simple act that required every bit as much courage as facing down the Huns. Slowly I walked forward until I stood before the Son of Heaven.
“Tell me your name, Little Archer,” he commanded, though his voice was not unkind.
“If it pleases Your Majesty,” I said, astonished to hear my voice come out calm and steady. “I am Hua Mulan.”
“I recognize your father’s determination in your face,” the emperor said.
“Majesty, you honor me to say so,” I replied.
“Hear me now, all of you,” the Son of Heaven cried in a great voice. “Once, long ago, in return for a great service I offered to grant Hua Wei the first wish of his heart. Now I offer this same gift to his daughter. For she has given me what I wished for most: the safety and security of China.”
A great cheer went up from the soldiers. I stood, frozen in shock. The thought that the emperor might offer me such an honor had never even occurred.
What was the first wish of my heart?
Like my father, could I wish for love?
No, Mulan, I realized. You cannot. Not because I did not love, but because until this moment I had not recognized that love for what it truly was.
My father had spoken his wish, knowing he loved and was loved in return. But I was not so fortunate.
I cannot wish for love, I thought. But I can wish because of it. Prince Jian had given me the gift of courage when I had needed it most. Perhaps now I could give him something he would value just as much.
“Speak, Mulan,” the Son of Heaven urged. “Tell me what I may grant you to show my gratitude.”
“The Son of Heaven commands me to speak,” I said, “and I will do so. This then is my reply: The first wish of my heart would be that you grant the first wish of a heart other than my own. A heart I will name, if you will let me.
“I have served China. I already have my reward.”
There was a startled pause.
“Where is Hua Wei?” the emperor finally said. “Let him come forward.”
“Here, if it pleases Your Highness,” my father said.
“Your daughter speaks well, Hua Wei,” the Son of Heaven complimented when my father had come to kneel before him.
“Your Highness honors us both to say so,” my father replied.
The Son of Heaven frowned. “You are sure that is your final answer?” he asked me. “You will give away your own wish to someone else? Who is this person whose heart you value so much?”
I took the deepest breath of my entire life. Do it, Mulan, I thought. Show courage. Be true to yourself.
Though the emperor had given me permission to stand, I knelt once more, at my father’s side.
“I cannot answer that question, Majesty,” I said.
“Why not?”
“Until I know that Your Majesty agrees to my request, I cannot speak the name aloud. For if I speak too soon, I throw away my wish.”
At this, Prince Guang could contain himself no more.
“Father,” his outraged voice rang out. “Surely this has gone on long enough. Much as I respect your wish to honor Hua Wei’s daughter, I must—”
“What you must do”—the emperor’s voice sliced through that of his son’s—“is to show your respect by holding your tongue. I gave the girl leave to speak from her heart and she has done so. She displays great wisdom in also speaking her mind. I cannot ask for the first and then fault her for the second.
“Very well, Hua Mulan. You shall have what you desire. Name who you will, and he shall have the first wish of his heart. This I swear to you from my own. Now stand up and tell me who it is.”
“The Son of Heaven is gracious and bountiful,” I answered as I stood. “With all my heart I ask that you bestow your gift on Prince Jian. For it was he who first saw the way our enemies would try to defeat us. He is the true hero of China, not I.”
“Jian, step forward,” the emperor said.
“Father,” Prince Jian said, even as he obeyed, “I cannot—”
“Why are all my sons suddenly so determined to tell me what I can and cannot do?” the Son of Heaven inquired. “Do you think that I am in my dotage? That I don’t know my own mind?”
“Of course not, Father,” Prince Jian protested.
“I am glad to hear it,” the Son of Heaven answered. “Now do as I command.” All of a sudden the emperor’s tone softened. “Do not be afraid. No matter what it is, I will make the first wish of your heart the first desire of mine. I have sworn it. Therefore speak, my son.”
“I will obey you in this, as in all things,” Prince Jian said. I was grateful that he was standing next to me, for it meant I could not look at him. Instead I kept my eyes straight ahead, gazing at the emperor’s elaborately embroidered cloak.
“This, then, is what I would ask of you, Father. Do not make me return to court. Instead
let me stay in these wild lands. Let me dedicate my life to keeping China safe in her remotest places, for there I will be free to be myself.”
“What you ask for is difficult to grant,” the Son of Heaven said, his voice heavy. “For it runs counter to my hopes. But I have sworn to give you what you wish, and I will honor my word. So be it, Jian, my son. You may serve China in the way that is closest to your heart.
“Come now.” The emperor made a gesture, calling all his sons to his side. “Let us go inside and we will speak further of these things.”
“Father,” Prince Jian said, “I will do your bidding with all my heart.”
As the Son of Heaven and his sons passed by me, I knelt once more. When he reached me, the emperor stopped.
“Hua Mulan.”
“Yes, Mighty Emperor,” I said.
“It seems I owe you a second round of thanks. You saw what was in my son’s heart, while I saw only what was in my own. I will make sure to ask him how this might be so.”
With that he strode past me and was gone. His sons followed in his wake. When they were safely inside the tent, I got to my feet and turned directly into my own father’s waiting arms.
NINETEEN
“When I realized that you had gone, when I realized what you had done, I thought that I had lost you forever,” my father told me later that night.
Though my father had feasted with the emperor, the princes, and the generals, he had left the celebrations early so that we might have some time alone. I had not gone to the celebration at all. Instead I had pleaded weariness and the pain of my wounds. General Yuwen had secured the emperor’s permission for me to remain quietly in my tent. I did not think I would be missed, at least not by the Son of Heaven himself.
He had made good his promise. He would grant his best-loved son the first wish of his heart, but the emperor would not thank me for it. It robbed him of his own wish that Prince Jian succeed him. I wondered if his father might see the wisdom of Prince Jian’s choice, in time.
There would be several days of celebration and ceremonies yet before the emperor’s great army would disband and before my father and I would ride for home. Chances were good I would never see Prince Jian again. I tried to tell myself that it was for the best. I didn’t get very far.
“I am sorry I went away without saying good-bye.” I brought my thoughts back to the present and my father. “But I could hardly tell you what I wanted to do. You would never have let me go.”
“Of course I wouldn’t,” my father said. “What kind of father would I have been, then?”
I smiled. “The same kind you are now, I hope. One who loves his daughter well enough to forgive her.” Without warning I felt the tears well up in my eyes. “Oh, Baba,” I said. “I just want to see Zao Xing and Min Xian. I want to see the plum trees bloom in the spring. I want to go home.”
“And so we shall, my Mulan. Zao Xing will be pleased to see you. I was afraid she’d worry herself sick the whole time you were away.”
“How is the baby?” I asked.
“Growing strong. Zao Xing complains she will grow as great as a house before the baby arrives. Min Xian takes good care of them both.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” I said. “Keeping Zao Xing and the baby safe was part of the reason I went away in the first place. I could not bear … I did not wish …”
“My daughter,” my father said as he gathered me close. “I know. I am so proud of you, and not just for your ability to sneak off with my horse or for your skills with a bow. I am proud of your generous heart. Someday I hope you will have the reward it longs for.”
“I hope so too,” I said.
“Mulan,” my father went on, “there is something that I would like to tell you, a thing I should have spoken to you long before now.”
I burrowed a little deeper in my father’s arms. “I think I know what you want to say,” I said. “You wish to tell me the name of my mother. Min Xian told me before I rode away. Please don’t be angry with her. She said I should not ride without knowing.”
“She was absolutely right,” my father replied. “And I am not angry for it. Her heart was more generous than mine in this.” My father kissed the top of my head, the first such affection I had ever known him to show.
“Come now,” he went on. “Let’s get you a good night’s sleep.”
“Baba,” I said suddenly, “do we have to wait until the end of the week? Couldn’t we go home tomorrow? I’m well enough to travel. Honestly I am.”
“Let me see what Huaji has to say,” said my father. “If you are well enough, and there is no other reason to stay, perhaps we may go. The emperor has already honored you. But if it is the Son of Heaven’s pleasure, we must stay.”
“I understand,” I promised. “But you’ll ask General Yuwen first thing tomorrow?”
“Why not ask me now?”
My father and I turned as General Yuwen made his way through the tent flap. He and my father greeted each other warmly. Then the general turned to me.
“Perhaps it is not my place to say this with your father sitting right beside you, but I have never been more proud of anyone than I was of you today, Mulan. You have saved China twice, I think. Once by taking a life. Today by giving Prince Jian the opportunity to ask for the life he truly desires.
“He will serve China, and himself, far better living the life of his heart than he would have in the life his father had chosen for him.”
“And Prince Ying will become emperor someday?” I asked, remembering the general’s belief that Prince Ying would be a fine emperor during peace.
General Yuwen nodded. “Now there is no reason for anything else to occur. This has been a good day for China.”
“Then I have done my duty and am content,” I said.
The general regarded me quietly for a moment. “I think,” he finally said, “that you have one more duty to perform. Prince Jian has asked to speak with you. He is waiting nearby. He did not wish to intrude on you and your father.”
“The prince wishes to speak with me?” I said, trying to ignore the way my heart quickened. “Why?”
“I think that must be for him to say,” General Yuwen replied. “Shall I tell him to come?”
“No,” I replied. “There is no need. I will go myself. Instead stay here with my father. I’m sure the two of you have many things to discuss. But if I feel my ears burning, I will know you talked of me, so be warned.”
“We promise not to mention your name at all,” my father said as he bundled me into a cloak. I didn’t believe him for a moment.
And so I was smiling as I stepped out into the night. I stood for a moment, letting my eyes adjust. The tent had been bright with lantern light, but now a full moon hung in the clear night sky, wrapping everything around me in the embrace of its cool white glow. I had taken no more than half a dozen steps toward Prince Jian’s tent when he materialized by my side.
“You came,” Prince Jian said. “I wasn’t sure you would.”
“Of course I would,” I answered, and now my heart was impossible to ignore. It beat painfully inside my chest for all the things that it desired, now out of reach.
Do not fool yourself, Mulan, I thought. They were always out of reach. I might as well have stretched out my arms to touch the moon in the sky.
“If only to say good-bye,” I went on.
“Will you walk with me?” Prince Jian said. “The sky is bright tonight.”
“Just so long as you watch out for any holes,” I replied. “It will never do for me to fall and lose the use of both my arms.”
In the moonlight I caught the flash of his smile. He stepped to my left side, and taking me lightly by my good arm, we began to walk together.
“That sounds more like you,” Prince Jian said. “I thought …” He paused, and then began again. “I thought I might have lost you.”
My pride put up a brief struggle and then went down in flames. Why shouldn’t I tell the truth? I wondered. I’
ll never see him again after tonight.
“No,” I answered quietly. “You could never lose me. It simply isn’t possible.”
“Why?” Prince Jian suddenly burst out. “Why did you do it?”
I didn’t even pretend to not know what he was talking about. Still, I paused. I wanted to choose my words with care, with more care than I had chosen any others in my life.
“When your father made his offer, I looked into my heart to see what it might wish for above all else,” I replied. “But I discovered that, as powerful as he is, what I desired most lay beyond even the Son of Heaven’s power to bestow.
“So I looked into my heart again, and I thought …” My voice choked off as, just for a moment, my nerve faltered.
Remember the dragonfly, Mulan, I thought.
“I thought—I hoped I saw the way to make things right between us,” I said after a moment. “I never meant to deceive you.”
I broke off again, and made a wry face.
“Or at least no more than I deceived everyone else by pretending to be a boy. That night, before I went away to fight, I wanted to speak, to tell you the truth, but I could not. I could not tell you who I really was.
“In spite of all the ways that you are unique, in this you would have been like everybody else. All you would have seen was that I was a girl. You would have made me stay behind.”
“I think that you are right,” Prince Jian said slowly. “But is this all?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” I said.
Prince Jian stopped walking, though he kept his hand on my arm. “Mulan. Today you gave me the chance to speak the truth of my heart. Will you not tell me the truth of yours? If the only reason you spoke to my father as you did was to settle a debt between us, it is more than paid. If that is all there is between us, then tell me so. I will go, and we will never speak of our hearts again, for we will never see each other.
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