by Blue Saffire
I did have to wait until almost every passenger was out of the plane before I could go retrieve my belongings. The flight attendants were eyeing me and one of them even stopped to ask me what was wrong. I explained the situation to her and I could see the smile on her face. She was trying her best not to laugh. Once it was clear that she couldn’t help, she moved along. I watched all the passengers file out, then I got up to go back into the economy cabin.
The moment I did, I saw the door for the cockpit open. I tried my best to look away, because I didn’t want to get caught, but I did want to see what Capt. Summers looked like. I began to walk away, looking over my shoulder, and I practically gasped as I saw the flight’s pilot. He looked amazing in his uniform, tall, official, the little navy jacket hugging all the right places on his body. He was even wearing the blue hat, and he was adjusting his golden cufflinks. Even under his hat, I could see his heart shaped face, his strawberry blond beard, his shiny brown eyes.
There was no wonder at all that he sounded familiar. This was no passing acquaintance, I immediately where I knew him from.
This wasn’t just Capt. Summers.
This was Logan Summers.
The kid who lived across the street from me, the one who I had watched as he drove away in his little beat up car when he turned eighteen, never to be seen again in Danville. Everyone around me thought he was presumptuous dick, but I sort of admired the guts it took to leave our tiny town and never come back. There were legends about him, people saying that he had died, that he committed suicide, that he was a drag queen in San Francisco. But it wasn’t until Facebook that I realized he was none of those things.
I didn’t know what he was, because his Facebook profile was just a picture of him in a field, the sun shining behind him.
He looked good. He looked happy. But by the time he added me on Facebook, my contact with people from Danville was also severely limited. I had followed his example and I had gotten the hell out, but I hadn’t thought about him again.
Not really.
Not until now.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, which distracted me. It was probably a good thing, since I needed to stop staring at this man. I swallowed as I extracted it and looked at the screen. It was a message from him. “See? That was all you. Nothing to do with the storm.”
I couldn’t help but crack a smile. He was just teasing me, and he didn’t know that I knew who he was. He didn’t know that I might as well have known everything about him.
He was exposed when he had thought he was being discreet and I hated that for him. Because I had actually been discreet. I’d done my best to hide my identity. There was something wrong about all this, but I definitely couldn’t go up to him and just reveal myself. There was no way I could explain this. Especially not to someone who might as well have been a perfect stranger. I remembered him, but there was a huge chance that he wouldn’t remember me at all. I was just the weird kid that lived on his street that wore hand-me-downs and didn’t talk much. I didn’t think I had made a particularly memorable impression.
I was about to put my phone back in my pocket when it vibrated again in my hand.
“Do you have much to do in Cleveland? Because I was thinking, maybe we could go get a bite to eat somewhere.”
I stared at my phone, my heart beating fast in my chest. Before I could formulate a response, there was a message. “No pressure, I won’t take the rejection personally. Just like I didn’t take the weather personally.”
Once more, I knew he was joking, but the idea of this made me feel dizzy. He was someone I knew, someone who might know me. There was too much risk there, not enough reward. If he had been a perfect stranger, maybe I would’ve considered it. Valerie had made me download the app on my phone because she knew that I was curious, because I had made a joke about it once or twice. Because she knew me, even when I didn’t want her to act like she did. Even with something as personal as this. But curiosity wasn’t a good enough reason to go through with a dinner date with a neighbor that I had tried hard to forget about, because he might as well have been the first same gendered crush I ever had. Back then, I didn’t know what to call it, but I remembered thinking about the strong, lean, fabulous boy from across the street. The one who was always defiant even when the town bullies wouldn’t let up. I couldn’t help but admire him then.
But admiration was definitely not enough to go through with something like this.
Not when he could still be talking to people back in Danville. Not when he did still be in contact, indirect as it well might have been, with my parents. The idea that my parents would hear about my same-sex exploits freaked me out—if there were even any such exploits, because I had always chickened out when the opportunity had arisen before— regardless of how cute I found him. Regardless of who he was. It shouldn’t matter to me, but it did. What my parents had done for me, I couldn't throw that away. They didn’t know anything about my… inclinations, and in any case, I was still trying to work all of that out. They didn’t need to know right then. They probably never needed to know.
“Sorry,” I typed quickly into the tiny box, caring very little about typos. I needed to get out of that plane and away from Logan Summers as quickly as possible. “I don’t think I can.”
The reply was almost immediate. “No worries, I get it. Hope you make it to your destination quick.”
I put my phone in my pocket and tried to stop thinking about it.
3
I paced around the airport. I was trying to think about business and not about my stupid pilot.
I decided to settle for a little café near the VIP lounge, where I might be able to stop thinking about him. It seemed emptier than everything around me and I needed to be alone with my thoughts. I ordered a black coffee, which cost a fortune, and a chocolate croissant. I needed some sugar, I thought as I glanced out toward the window at the darkened sky.
I got my order and went to the back, to sit near the window, where I could watch the storm. It was very dark outside still and while I could see a thunderstorm, I couldn’t really hear it. I couldn’t hear anything over the planes landing. I found it a little baffling. Normally, I could hear a thunderstorm through the gaps between when planes landed and took off—though it didn’t seem like many planes were taking off right then and there. I must’ve been making a very obviously confused face, because I heard a chuckle behind me, obviously at my expense.
I turned my head to see Capt. Summers standing there, his eyes shining. He looked amused, but there was a hardness to him I had never seen before. Not even when I had known him. I thought about excusing myself, about asking him what he wanted, but I didn’t manage to say anything. I just waited for him to speak.
“It’s because it’s snowing.”
I looked him up and down. “What do you mean?” I said. I was trying to sound measured, like seeing him and having him right there, talking to me, wasn’t freaking me out at all. Like I hadn’t just tried to escape him so I wouldn’t have to face him. I searched his face, trying to see if there was any hint of recognition, but I couldn’t see anything there.
He continued talking. “That’s why there is no thunder rumbling.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Pardon me?”
“Snow thunderstorms are really rare, and they make it so that you can’t hear anything. Not going to bore you with the details, but they are dangerous.”
I tried to smile at him. “Good thing you grounded our flight, huh?”
“You were on my flight?”
I considered pulling out my phone and showing him that I was who he was talking to on the hook up app. I even put my hand in my pocket, ready to do so. But my hand tightened into a fist and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. “I mean, all flights were grounded. But I saw you before I got up. You’re Cpt. Summers, right?”
He nodded. “Yes,” he said. “And sorry about that. We thought we could beat the storm, and now we are all stuck in fuckin’ Cleveland.”
I laughed despite myself.
He looked around us, conspiratorially. “Oh, crap, I hope I didn’t offend anyone from Cleveland.”
I laughed again. “No offense, Capt. Summers, I don’t think anyone in Cleveland cares what you think.”
He pouted at that. He looked younger then, almost like the boy I’d once known. Then he broke into a smile. “I can’t believe you remember my name.”
“You’re hard to forget,” I said quietly.
He looked me up and down. “I don’t normally do this, but you mind if I sit with you? I love the people I work with, but you get really sick of hanging around with the same people all the time. Particularly when you have to be stuck in small compartments with them.”
I couldn’t turn him away. It wouldn’t have just been rude, it would have been cruel. “Yeah, of course,” I said. “Of course you can sit with me.”
He smiled at me and sat down in the chair in front of me. I couldn’t tell because of his well-kept beard, but I thought there might be dimples on his cheeks.
“Would you like some coffee?” I heard the words come out of my mouth before I had even managed to process them.
He shook his head. “That’s very kind,” he said. “But the least I can do is get my own coffee…”
I swallowed. “Devon,” I said, wondering if he would recognize me. I’d gone by my first name rather than my middle name when I was still living in Danville, but still. I used Devon as my name on all my social media. I’d even been interviewed and featured in a couple of news articles back home.
There was a flicker of something in his face. I shuffled in my seat as I recognized the very real possibility that he might have instantly know who I was. He furrowed his brow a little, but there was nothing there. “You can call me Logan,” he said. “There is no need for this captain nonsense when we are off the plane.”
I nodded, as if I didn’t already know that. If there was ever time to tell him, this was it. My mouth wasn’t as brave as my brain was. “So, you said you don’t do this a lot?”
He raised his eyebrows. “Do what a lot?”
“You know, approach strangers and sit with them.”
He smiled at that. “Thank God, I thought you were going to ask me if I had to ground my plane a lot, and I would have hated to have to lie to you.”
He must’ve seen how panicked I looked, because his eyes widened and he put his hand on mine immediately, almost reflexively. “I’m so sorry, that was a bad joke, I promise you I’m totally safe as a pilot.”
I tried for a smile but I wasn’t sure if it worked. His hand was still on mine and I was having to keep my head very still so I wouldn’t just stare at it. He removed it almost immediately, as if he could sense what I was thinking. “It’s okay,” I said. “Seriously.”
He took a deep breath. “Even when I suck,” he said, looking away from me. “My copilot is pretty cool.”
“You’re helping me feel so much better.”
He bit down on his lower lip. He was blushing and the blush extended all the way to the top of his forehead. I thought he looked adorable. He had always blushed like this. I could remember it from when we were kids. I’d seen it happened when he’d gotten harassed before, from the safety of my porch. I felt a bit shitty about that, but I couldn’t bring it up. I couldn’t bring up the fact that I knew him at all.
“Great,” he said. “That’s what we’re trained for.”
I chuckled. “How long did you train for this?”
“Not as long as you’d think,” he said, winking at me. He looked a little more relaxed then.
“Right,” I replied, smiling at him. Fuck, he was so effortlessly charming. I didn’t think I was supposed to like him and I definitely didn’t think I was supposed to be enjoying spending time with him this much. It would have been easier if I could just excuse myself, if I could pretend that none of this conversation had happened. If I could pretend I hadn’t run into Captain Logan Fuckin’ Summers at all. “So did you always know you wanted to be a pilot?”
He straightened up. For a second, his expression darkened. Then he smiled at me. “No,” he said. “I just knew I needed to get out of the small town I lived in.”
I nodded, but I didn’t say anything.
He dropped his voice to a whisper before he spoke again. “To be totally honest with you, it felt like my sense of fight or flight was always activated when I lived there. I grew up in this tiny place in the South and I always knew I wasn’t going to be able to be myself if I stayed there.”
I looked him up and down. “I get that,” I said. “Can you be yourself now?”
He narrowed his eyes, tilting his head a little. He looked like he was deep in thought for a second before he answered. “I think I’m still trying to figure out what that is,” he said. “But yeah. I don’t feel like I need to run away anymore.”
“Because of your job?”
He looked at me for a second, then took a sip of his coffee. I watched his throat work as he swallowed. “No,” he finally said. “I guess because I work hard to be who I want to be now.”
I raised my eyebrows. It made him laugh.
“Fuck,” he said. “I’m boring you, aren’t I?”
“You’re not boring me,” I replied immediately. “I did ask.”
“And all you’ve done is ask,” he said, waving me off as he continued to speak. “Tell me a bit about yourself.”
I looked away from him, but I couldn’t help the smile on my face. “Well, I mean, I’m a nervous flyer,” I said. “So that’s something.”
“Yes, yes,” he said, waving his hand in front of his face. “And I’ve done my best to help with that. Anything else?”
“I work in Atlanta,” I said. “I moved there almost immediately after high school.”
“Did you go to college there?”
I nodded. “Yeah, but only for a little bit,” I said. “I dropped out after a couple of semesters.”
“I get that.”
I looked down at my mug. “I started my own company,” I said.
“Oh, an entrepreneur,” he said. He sounded impressed. “What did you do? Do you own one of those bubble tea places? Because—”
“I’m in software security,” I replied, chuckling. “I’m not nearly as exciting as you think I am.”
“Did I tell you I thought you were exciting?”
I shook my head. “You’re right. I was being presumptuous.”
“I did think you were presumptuous,” he said, then tapped his forehead. “I’m very observant.”
“See, I could tell you were observant,” I replied. “I’m observant too. So clearly we have plenty in common.”
“Clearly,” he said. “So what are you doing in…”
“Chicago,” I said. “I’m trying to pitch a seminar to this huge client of hours.”
“A seminar?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Apparently clicking a few buttons necessitates a week or so of instruction.”
“Don’t knock the instruction. Sounds like they need you.”
“The software is built in a user-friendly way,” I replied. “It’s one of our top priorities. But yeah. I guess it’s not user friendly if you still don’t know how to even send a text message.”
“You gotta start with the basics,” he said. “My mom only recently mastered Facebook and it’s very…”
I smirked. “Upsetting?”
“Upsetting, yes,” he said. “That’s the right word. She keeps posting on my wall, asking if I met a nice pilot yet.”
I chuckled. “Oh, wow,” I said.
He rolled his eyes. “I told her, Mom, I don’t need a pilot,” he said. “I am a pilot.”
“How did that go?”
“She told me it’d be cute if we got married wearing our pilot uniforms together,” he said. “Somehow, I don’t think I managed to get it through her head.”
“Just gotta keep trying,” I said, laughing with him. “I’m sure it’ll work one day.�
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He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, definitely,” he said. “Have you ever managed to convince your parents of anything?”
I shook my head. “It wasn’t until I paid off their mortgage that they actually were like ‘oh, I guess you did have a good reason to drop out of school’. My mom still told me to finish my degree, just in case I finished it later.”
“That’s helpful.”
“Yeah,” I said. “But she’d just finished reading this article about how the dot com bubble imploded or something. She wanted to make sure I had protections in place.”
He smiled. “That’s so sweet,” he said. “One thing I have going for me is job security, at least. My mom does ask me if flying is safe every now and then. I always tell her that it’s safer than being in a car with her. But, yeah. I don’t think my parents will consider me successful until I have a boyfriend who is doing super well. Like gay movie architect well.”
I smiled and shook my head.
“What about you?”
“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “My parents, I think, have lost all faith.”
“In you?”
“In my ability to find a partner,” I said, then smirked. “I wish I could blame them. I’m pretty close to agreeing with them.”
He looked me up and down. “I have a hard time believing that.”
I laughed and shook my head. “No, you don’t,” I replied. “I have a hard time talking to people I don’t know.”
“You don’t know me. You don’t seem to be having a hard time right now.”
I looked away from him and bit down on my lower lip. I should have told him the truth, but I really didn’t have it in me to do that. I should have just done so when we had first started speaking, but it was too late now, and I couldn’t just spring the truth on him. Not without making him feel like I was lying, which, I supposed, in a roundabout way I was.
I didn’t want to lie to him. I opted for shrugging my shoulders instead. “You’re easy to talk to.”
“Are most of the guys that approach you not easy to talk to?”