by Erin Butler
“Hmm. I hope this has nothing to do with your initial feelings of my engagement with Miss Bennet, Darcy. I had hoped that you would have been well over those. Indeed, I believe you are. I believe something else has taken your mind off my relationship and perhaps placed it on one of your own…”
Darcy grinned at the lack of question in Charles’s words. “You have supposed correctly. This scheme is not to further my wish to separate you from Miss Bennet. I have not wished that on you since we left for London.”
“Should we say since you began to enjoy the company of her sister?”
“I had always enjoyed Miss Elizabeth’s company and even Miss Bennet’s as well, I assure you. Their company was never the reason for my hesitation.”
“Hesitation? Come, man. You simply rebelled at the idea of my feelings for Miss Bennet.”
Darcy took a step back, but let Charles have his say. If he needed to get this off his chest, he would allow him to do it. He had been wrong and there was no reason why his friend could not tell him so.
“Only now that you feel the same way do you see things from my perspective. It was never about Miss Bennet’s family or connections, which I find are not so wholly grievous as you have, but it is only about my affection for her. Once that was reciprocated, I could never turn back.”
How right he was. He needed to find Miss Elizabeth and apologize for whatever he did that upset her when they returned earlier. He did not want her to think ill of him, not when he had gained so much ground with her.
“Regardless of their circumstances, do not they deserve to have whatever we can give them. I am still not convinced that I deserve her rather than the other way around, so if this is some way to make me think ill of them once more or to make me turn away from her, I would beg you to stop because you will get nowhere with me.”
Darcy shook his head. “I apologize, Bingley. I should never have tried to interfere in your personal relationship with Miss Bennet. I was wholly wrong and I admit it. It is not my wish to now, indeed, it is exactly the opposite. By letting Netherfield, you will be able to keep close to your intended while also not intruding on her parents. I shall have to leave soon otherwise.”
Bingley’s eyes widened and a slow smile crawled across his face. “So, this is another one of your schemes. You, Sir, are greedy, but in this instance, I can hardly blame you. You think that if I let Netherfield, you will be able to further your courtship of Miss Elizabeth.”
Darcy was not ashamed to admit that was part of his plan. He nodded. “But also for your sake, too. If I had not already Pemberley and a place in London, I would let Netherfield myself, but—”
Bingley held up his hand. “No need to explain. That is a bit extravagant and I do find sound reasoning in your plan. Miss Bennet and I have not discussed when we will be married, but I am sure she will want to be married from here. As I have no other house to take her to after we are married as well, I suppose it could not hurt to let a house close by as long as she agrees that we may not stay there forever.”
Darcy bit back a smile. There was such a thing as being settled too close to a wife’s relations. But saying so would not help his cause so he kept his mouth shut.
“I shall talk to Miss Bennet.”
“Excellent.”
Darcy left his friend alone with his thoughts and returned to his chamber. At his desk, he found Elizabeth scribbling away on a piece of paper. She looked up when he heard his step creak the floorboards beneath his feet. Her eyes glistened with tears. She set the pen across the paper and stood.
“Miss Elizabeth?”
She turned toward the open doorway and went straight for it. When she passed him, he called her name again, but she did not stop. She exited the room, her feet hurrying down the hall. He looked back at his desk in shock. His long strides ate up the room and he stood with the letter in his hand, reading Miss Elizabeth’s words. She was, indeed, very angry with him. He crumpled the note into a ball and let it drop back to the desk.
If she was going to eavesdrop at all on the private conversation between he and Bingley, he would have begged her to stay and listen to the whole thing, including the part where they discuss his feelings for her. According to the letter, however, Elizabeth had only heard some of it and as it was, she had misconstrued what he meant.
This stubborn, strong-willed woman was going to be the death of him.
He took off after her, dodging a young servant on the steps. Just as he landed at the bottom of the stairs, he heard the front door close. He walked forward, keeping calm for the sake of appearances even though what he really wanted to do was to take off in a run after her. He would at least make her listen to him. Then she could make up her own decision whether to believe him or not regarding his feelings about letting Netherfield.
Once he came around the side of the house, he watched as she ran toward the corner of the park. He glanced quickly around. Not finding anyone, he ran after her. They both rounded a tree, and he called out to her to stop.
Panting, she twisted around and fixed her treacherous gaze on him. Laced in her eyes was the same passion he admired when he first came to Longbourn. Maybe he was destined to always making her angry, but he hoped not.
“What could you possibly have to say to me, Mr. Darcy? I wrote my feelings in the letter.”
His chest heaved in front of him. Less so than the physical exertion of him chasing her through the park, and more from his thoughts tangling with one another. He had never seen her so angry at him before. “Under false presumptions,” he said, his voice stuttering with the weight of his words. The weight that would win Elizabeth back or lose her forever. “You have only head part of the conversation I had with Mr. Bingley. To do us both credit, you should have stayed and listened to the whole thing, or at the very least, allow me the courtesy of explaining my thoughts to you.”
“Explaining your thoughts? I assure you I do not need you to tell me what it is you are thinking. I have recollected it well enough. To think I had thought you had changed your mind regarding my sister and Mr. Bingley. How very wrong I was.”
“No. The only thing you are wrong about is what you think you heard me say. Yes, I suggested to Bingley that he let Netherfield, but not because I wanted to separate the two of them as I once wanted to. If I wished to separate them, I would have him go further away than a few miles.”
Elizabeth’s gaze hardened. “That is not what distresses me. You said that you wished him to be comfortable as if he does not get that here. Tell me, Mr. Darcy, what have you received here other than my family’s hospitality? Why then would you go out of your way to act so fastidious?” She breathed in deep a few times, her countenance calming. When she opened her mouth to speak again, her words came out quieter, almost lost, as if she were void of any emotion. “I saw the look you gave my mother upon returning to Longbourn. I know she can be difficult at times, but to you, Mr. Darcy, she has been nothing but kind to you. She has offered you a room, she has made sure you were served good meals. Why does she deserve the displeasure on your face upon seeing her again? And my cousin, Mr. Collins. How rude you were to him when we first came. It is not just that you wish to quit Longbourn, it is just that I have finally realized that my family will never be enough for you, and consequently myself.”
“Elizabeth, I—”
“I will not be made to feel lesser than because of you, Mr. Darcy. I will not.”
He swallowed. Thousands of thoughts sprung into his head to say. Not the least of which was calling her ridiculous, but he deserved some of what she said. He had thought ill of her mother and her cousin. She was more than enough for him. Even as Mr. Bingley’s previous sentiment regarding Jane came to his head, he knew it was true of his Elizabeth too. Did he even deserve her? Especially since he had wronged her so.
He closed his eyes and opened them again. Instead of seeing the angry Elizabeth Bennet he chased after, he saw the hurt Miss Bennet from his chamber pouring over a letter to him. His actions hurt
her. His heart ached inside his chest, pumping regret after regret through his body. The weight of it wearing his limbs down so that he felt he may not be able to stand much longer. He had not meant to treat her in such a way.
“I abhor the very thought that I have made you feel this way, Miss Elizabeth. I never meant to hurt you though your words and your countenance certainly speak otherwise. I admit when we first arrived back at Longbourn, I was off. I was almost scared at what would happen because my feelings for you are so different now than what they were when we were here before. I care for you, Elizabeth. When your mother first spoke, I…” He looked toward the ground and kicked at an errant stick. “…I cringed at the sound of her voice. It reminded me of her past transgressions. That was wrong. For that, I humbly ask for your forgiveness.”
She shook her head and looked away. Darcy was not done, however.
“As far as Mr. Collins, his simple presence bothers me. Perhaps it was with jealousy that I did not greet him as I should have. You can hardly blame me when I wish to have you for myself, why I would not want him to look at you the same way I look at you.”
Elizabeth’s eyes rounded. She grasped on to the trunk of the tree.
Mr. Darcy took a steadying breath. He did not know if any of his apologies or excuses would help change Elizabeth’s mind, but he had to try. He would not give her up without a fight. Whether he deserved to or not. “As far as Netherfield goes, I swear to you that I only thought of Bingley’s comfort and also my own. And not for the reason you imagine. I am comfortable here. There is nothing wanting. Letting Netherfield is a means to an end. My friend does not have a house to take your sister home to once they marry. I also did not wish us to inopportune your parents with our stay. If he let Netherfield, both of us could stay much longer. Bingley could be expected to stay until they marry, but I could not. Perhaps it was selfish to think of myself in this matter, but to stay much longer with no reason but to look after my friend would be putting your family out.” He filled his chest with air, with hope, with every encouraging thought in his body for her to forgive him. “I have a reason, Miss Elizabeth. I have a definite reason to want to stay here. I cannot bear the thought of leaving this part of the country without having an assurance of your love for me…because you have mine. All of it. All the love I have to give belongs to you. This may be a poor substitute for how I wronged you, and for that I apologize again. I know in my heart I did not mean to hurt you, but since I have, I can only offer you an apology that you deserve. I am sorry.”
“I know you must think the worst of me right now and I deserve it. I do want you to know that I have only thought of you since coming here. I am perhaps a little too proud, a little too opinionated in what I value. I do know enough to know when I have been humbled, and I have been humbled by you. Your mind, your beauty, your very essence is something to be admired, and it far outweighs anything I have to offer.”
Darcy stopped himself from going any further. His whole body wanted to run away with his feelings. The love for Miss Elizabeth poured out of his very soul. He wanted to ask her how she felt about him. Perhaps even ask her the question that had been plaguing him recently. Did she love him enough to marry him? To spend the rest of her life with him? But surely after he had upset her so that kind of declaration would not be received well. Instead, he clamped his mouth shut and awaited his fate.
She opened her mouth several times, but shut it each and every time afterward. Her face had lost all the anger, but in her eyes still shone the pang of hurt he had caused her. She neither smiled nor looked at him the way he was used to in London. Several minutes passed, and she had yet to say anything, either to rebuke him or to comfort him.
He cleared his throat and looked at the ground. “I understand if you need time to work out your feelings. I shall leave you alone now.”
He left. And she let him go.
Chapter Thirteen
After Mr. Darcy left, Elizabeth slumped to the ground. Her backside hit the soft grass, and she laid her head atop her knees. Why could she not get her feelings to agree with one another? Yes, she was angry with him. Perhaps too much so, but that did not mean that she did not like him. She did. When he said he wished to have her for himself, she almost cried out with happiness until she remembered the other things he had done that had vexed her.
There was a fine line between love and hate. With Mr. Darcy, she seemed to be walking that line all the time. Perhaps their personalities were not suited for one another after all. They argued too much, but they also laughed and smiled more. She did not agree with everything he said or did, but did not she agree with his principles even though they interpreted them differently? She yelled at him and he raised his voice back, but perhaps that was only because they cared for one another.
Elizabeth sighed and dropped her had back against the tree trunk. She fixed her eyes toward the sky and could just see a sliver of blue through the canopy of leaves and branches overhead. She dug her fingers into the cool dirt at her side, letting the grass massage her palms.
Perhaps they were just too different.
Elizabeth closed her eyes only to feel cooler within the next couple minutes. When she opened her eyes, Jane stood over her. “You will dirty the seat of your dress.”
She lowered her hands and Elizabeth allowed herself to be pulled up. Together, they walked toward the bench under the adjacent tree. Once seated, Jane turned to Elizabeth. “What has happened? I spotted you from my window. You and Mr. Darcy were arguing?”
Elizabeth nodded. She clung to her sister’s hand. Jane had always known what she should do. She spilled the whole story out. Everything. Including Mr. Darcy’s feelings about their family though she still sheltered her sister a little, keeping the part about Mr. Darcy wanting to separate them to herself. She told her of his attitude toward their mother, Mr. Collins, and even regarding Netherfield.
None of it shocked her, which in turn surprised Elizabeth. She should have known that though her sister was caught up in her own world, she was looking after her too. Once the last part of Elizabeth’s story left her mouth, Jane smiled that calming smile of hers. “Oh, Lizzy. Charles told me of Mr. Darcy’s feelings. We spoke of it. He assured me he did not care several times, but as sensible a person as I am, and you are too, you would know that some would think this way. It only matters to the couple pairing together, however. I do not fault Mr. Darcy for having those feelings. We both know our family’s situation. Though it is not bad, it could be better. Have not we spoken of it ourselves how better off we would be if mother and father had had sons so the estate would not be entailed away? Had we not often joked amongst ourselves that we would have to marry very well or there would be nothing for us? He only verbalized what we ourselves have spoken of.”
At every entreaty, Elizabet’s resolve slipped a little. They had spoken of such things many times. “I suppose it just hurt coming from him.”
“Coming from someone you have feelings for, you mean?”
Elizabeth nodded. “Yes. I love him, Jane. I do not want him to think ill of our family.”
“I do not believe he thinks them so very bad. You have seen the sweetness of Mr. Bingley, yet I can see how trying it is for him sometimes to get through a discussion regarding the wedding with Mamma. It is just the way it is. When I meet his family, I may not like them, but I will put on a happy face regardless.”
“But Jane, you like everybody.”
They chuckled together, Elizabeth louder than her sister. Jane tightened her grip on her sister’s fingers. “I think if he has enough sense to argue with you, he must love you, Elizabeth.”
He confessed as much to her. Her heart had swelled with pride, but she made herself relax. “What of him encouraging Bingley to let Netherfield to get away from us?”
“Lizzy,” Jane scolded, her lips pulled back into a playful smile. “You are your own worst enemy. Truly, Mr. Bingley and I often spoke of where we shall live. I had forgotten about Netherfield myself or else
I would have suggested it. I like the idea of him being there and me here.”
“Will not you miss him being at Longbourn?”
“Of course, but I know it cannot be permanent. Especially after we marry, you certainly cannot imagine that we would want to stay here. I wish to have my own space. To settle into my new life as wife.”
Perhaps she was being foolish about the whole thing. Or at least parts of it. Of course Jane would want to leave Longbourn with Bingley after they married. What did it matter if he found them a place to live now rather than wait? She had judged too swiftly, and too harshly.
“Does he love you then?” Jane asked.
Elizabeth nodded. “Yes.”
“And you love him.”
Elizabeth nodded again.
“Then you should go to him.”
Her first thought was to ask Jane if it was too late, but of course it was not. True love never came too late.
She stood from the bench and started to turn away. Jane’s hand on her wrist stayed her. Within a second, her sister’s comforting embrace wound around her. “I am so happy for you, Lizzy.”
Elizabeth returned the hug tightly, thanking her for the advice, for being a good sister without saying the words. She broke away and ran toward the house. Jane’s choked laughter rang out behind her and she imagined her sister was laughing and crying at the same time, a kerchief at the side of her nose.
She smiled as the wind tore at her dress, wrapping it around her feet and flipping her hair across her face. She ran through it all, eager to tell Mr. Darcy what she had come to know as truth.
Before entering the house, she stopped to arrange her dress and fix her hair as best she could. She was sure her cheeks were flush with exercise, but she would not worry over that now. She did not want to wait to see Mr. Darcy. She stepped inside to find her father entering his library. She called out to him. “Papa, have you happened to see Mr. Darcy?”
“Yes, I just sent him toward the stables.”