by Palmer, Dee
“You’ve never been about the money baby. I’m truly sorry I ever said that.” He adds absently, “ but not really an issue anymore when you have your own—”
I step back with a frown. “What are you talking about? I don’t have my own. Well, I have a bit thanks to Tom but he really wanted—” I am getting flustered, fuck, but just as I start to get all agitated at the turn this light banter has taken Daniel pulls me to his chest and kisses my hair.
“Baby, stop sweating the small stuff. By the time you turn twenty-one you won’t give it a seconds thought.” I know I am confused but he doesn’t elaborate. “Now, I believe you are wanting to return some item of mine?” He wiggles his brow and I look around at our low but exposed position given that we are less than twenty five meters from the London Eye and all its entire occupants. He takes my hand and leads me to a hatch near the driver’s seat that I hadn’t noticed. I climb down following him, his hands rest on my calves and slide up my legs as I descend, lifting my dress as I go. A few short moments, an intimate adjustment and a passionate kiss later and I am climbing the few vertical steps back up to the deck. I can hear his groan and he mumbles something about ‘fuck being a gentleman.’ I laugh when he reaches the deck and holds my hand once more.
“If you were a gentleman you wouldn’t be blatantly staring at my arse as I climbed that ladder.” I grin with mock outrage.
“It is because I’m a gentleman that I was only staring at your arse.” He leads me back to dry land and we make our way the along bustling riverbank path. With County Hall, The London Eye, The Globe and Tate Modern all within easy walking distance this area is rightly, heavily packed with tourists. I nod to a patch of grass near the County Hall next to the hotel entrance and Daniel lays his jacket for me to sit while he hunts and gathers. I take my shoes off because although I haven’t walked far, they are really not made for anything much more than standing still or better yet, in a display case with a spotlight. I lie back and relax, taking in the sounds and smells, no distinct conversations and no distinct smells until I feel movement next to me and sit up to Daniel sitting down. “Sorry no chips but I know you love these and it is simple so I_” He has handed me a large bacon bap and the rancid smell assaults my nose like a grenade causing a violent instant heave of my stomach. I push his hand, turn and scramble away. Thankful I no longer have my shoes as I run flat out into the foyer of the hotel and quickly spot the ladies. Just in time I dry heave into the toilet. So so grateful I made it and although it hurts I am glad I had an empty stomach because I don’t think I would have made it this far.
There is a loud crash and a lady who must have been at the sink shrieks. “This is the Ladies!”
Daniels voice is calm but forceful. “I am aware of that. My girlfriend.” He offers as way of explanation. It doesn’t explain anything but it is all she is getting because I can now feel his hand gently resting on my hunched back. My hands are still gripping the seat and I am still swallowing back all the moisture in my mouth waiting for the next heave. Oh God how am I going to explain this? I can’t say it was the boat, he’ll feel bad. I can’t tell him I don’t love bacon when he knows I do, normally I do and I can’t tell him it’s the same bug I have been using as an excuse all week because he’ll have me seeing a specialist in the morning and then I’ll be really embarrassed. “Hey baby, can I get you anything?” I heave just at the thought of what he got me last time and continue to do that for endless minutes. My tummy hurts but I think I have finished I can still feel his warm hand gently massaging my back.
“Some water, please.” My voice is raw, husky and if it wasn’t for the fact I’m probably drooling it might even be a sexy voice. I wipe my face on the crumpled mass of tissues he hands me and make my way to the sink. He nods and I expect him to leave but he just stands staring, eyes filled with worry and as crappy as I feel I need to ease his concern. “I’m fine, sorry, clearly not fine fine but I’m Ok. I think it was a combination of bumpy rides, empty stomach and seeing a greasy bun. I’ve had a bit of a tummy bug and I think I’m just a little sensitive.” I laugh lightly, deciding a combination of all my excuses is probably more believable. “I wasn’t kidding when I said simple.” I let out a breath and grab his clenched hand, smiling. “OK?” His jaw is tense and his eyes darken but he nods and threads his fingers through mine. “Wait! Where are my shoes and your jacket?” I am looking him up and down like he might have secret pockets or something. He shrugs and leads me to the bar. He sits me in a semi-circular booth in the elegant piano bar, orders my water and goes back to retrieve our things. I notice him speaking to a waiter but returns empty handed. “Um shoes? . . . Jacket?” I enquire.
“I would like to say I have had them sent to the room I have booked for us here tonight.” He sits beside me his thigh pressed against mine.
“And have you?” He strokes his long finger along my jaw, his expression infuriatingly neutral.
“I have booked a room. I have not had our things sent there.” I let out a frustrated puff I don’t know whether to be irritated at his arrogance and his presumption or furious that he’s being so obtuse.
“So my shoes have been stolen! No sorry, Sofia’s shoes have been stolen and your jacket?Great!” I sit back sharply and he just laughs louder.
“Small stuff baby. I’ll replace the shoes and the jacket wasn’t a favourite or anything special, so it too can be replaced.” I am about to challenge him on his flagrant disposable attitude when the waiter brings me a delicate basket of chips and can’t help the huge smile that invades my face.
“Thank you.” I whisper to Daniel, as the waiter carefully sets a knife, fork and condiments.
He whispers back “you are most welcome.”
“I’m not staying here tonight.” I reply just as softly back at him with a grin. I pick up a chip with my fingers a pop it in my mouth wishing I had blown on it first as I am left to huff and puff to cool it in my mouth, not very good manners. He leans over and takes one too, blowing and arching a brow, like he’s teaching me basic laws of physics. I smile lightly and take another, they are piping hot, obviously, but crisp, fluffy and delicious.
“Really, and what makes you think that?” He pops the chip in his mouth and I can’t take my eyes off the way his lips move so slowly savouring the taste or savouring my reaction.
“Because you said this was a date, and since we are not actually together.” I point out and he narrows his eyes at this but I continue. “This is our first date yes? So, I don’t put out on a first date and as a gentleman you shouldn’t have presumed I would.”
“You did put out on our first date though.” He grins.
I can feel my cheeks flush pink and the sultry tone has my hairs prickling like an electrical current has passed through them. “Pretty sure that wasn’t a date either but um yes, I did. You are kind of . . . well . . . It’s hard to say no to you.” My voice is soft and I can hear my own hesitancy.
“Good to know.” He holds the cooled chip to my lips and I open on instinct. “So how is it you don’t seem to have the same compunction now?”
My mouth is suddenly dry, his fingers have worked their way to the nape of my neck and are entwining into my hair, twirling and gripping and it makes me gasp. These words I am about to say sound ridiculous to my ears so it’s impressive he doesn’t laugh. “I’m stronger.” I know I have to be rather than I know I am.
“I can see that.” His dark blue eyes fix on mine and he looks deep inside me but there is no irony or amusement. He releases his hold and allows me to finish my food, still idly stroking my thigh or my neck. Always touching, it’s nice, it’s wonderful, this is really hard. He wants to order some wine but I manage to persuade him that herbal tea would be better. He has been quiet for some time as I let my tea seep. The silence is heavy and I glance his way occasionally and each time his intense gaze is fixed on me. His expression is implacable, he could be holding something back or he could be wanting the date to end, he could be so full of lust he wants t
o bend me over this very low table. Honestly, I have no fucking idea because he gives nothing away. I turn and sit to face him creating a bit of space, his hand drops from my thigh to the seat between us.
“Should I go?” I could’ve slapped him for the shock my question has caused.
“Why the fuck would you ask that? Do you want to go?” His voice is flat angry.
“No I don’t want to go but you just . . .” I sigh heavily. “What do you want from me Daniel?” I rub my fingers at my temple. I know where this evening is rapidly heading.
“Marry Me?” His voice is a whisper but my laugh is a lot louder and again he looks shocked but also hurt and I hate that, but I did not see that coming.
“Daniel, it’s a first date remember? Talk like that is likely to scare a girl off and if it doesn’t that should scare you off.” I cup his face and he is trying to smile but I can see he is really saddened by my words. “Daniel I do love you, but this is complicated and despite the trite words, it very often isn’t ‘all you need.’ What about Angel?” I really didn’t want to do this tonight. I really wanted the date but it’s such a huge fucking white elephant in between us, it is inevitable.
“She has what she wants, my commitment is done. I have paid my dues there is nothing more I have to do.” His cold clipped response is shocking but not because of its delivery.
Oh My God! This actually breaks my heart that he believes that. I trace my fingers through his hair with one hand and hold his cheek with the other. “Oh Daniel . . . God I wish that was true.” He pulls back; brows furrowed his eyes angry and confused.
“What? It is true, I have a contract signed. You don’t believe me?” His jaw is ticking and I can hear his teeth grind.
“I believe you believe that, but no Daniel I don’t believe this is over. Not even remotely.” I place calming hands on his thighs because he has moved his hands to his side. “This isn’t about a contract because we both know that any contract can be broken and given the right circumstances you would break it in an instant . . . you have before.” He was about to interrupt but the timely sore reminder about our recent contract dissolution, the one he promised would give me comfort and security, has his lips pressed into a thin line. “Suppose one day Angel changes her mind, or more likely reveals her true colours. No, don’t scowl. I’m allowed to have a low opinion of her, she’s fucking up my life.” It may be my gut reaction with no evidential proof but to me that is as good as fact. However, I am under no illusion Angel has been so forthcoming with Daniel as to reveal her true intentions. I shake my head because this isn’t about me either. “Ok so she changes her mind and wants to tell the child about the father, the real father, would you deny that? No, of course you wouldn’t. It’s no more the child’s fault than it is mine and you would never exclude yourself from a child’s life like that. Not your own child and I wouldn’t want you to.” I know I am asking questions and answering for him and I know it sounds like I am rambling but from the look on his face I don’t think he has even considered what I am saying. He seems to have frozen, maybe he agrees. I sort of hope he does given what I am carrying inside me. “But that leaves Angel and I know you don’t believe me but I don’t believe her motives are entirely pure?” I am astounded at my own restraint but I really don’t want to be the villain, again. He scowls but I raise a finger to protest his protest. “Daniel, it would still mean she’s in your life and that means she’s in my life and I really have to think if that’s best for us.” I have to stop my hand from resting across my tummy but I know I am not talking about Daniel and I anymore.
He is quiet and I can feel his mind racing, “So if I had had a child prior to meeting you, we would never be together?”
My jaw drops, my restraint weakens. “Wow, that’s what you heard from that! No Daniel I didn’t say that. I wouldn’t care if you had a whole football team of children before me, but this isn’t before me is it? It’s with me and you made this decision without me. She doesn’t just want your baby Daniel, she wants you. Arghh!” I don’t care that people are staring he makes me so fucking mad that he can’t see this but all the air in my rage escapes when I see such sadness in his eyes.
“We’re broken.” His hand reaches for mine and I grab it like a lifeline.
“No Daniel, we’re not broken. We’re just not fixed.” My smile is brief as I feel his sadness consume me too. He lifts my fingers to his lips and kisses softly.
“Yet.” He exhales.
“TWICE!” SOFIA SCREECHES in my ear. It is two weeks until the wedding and I am having my dress re-fitted at her parent’s house in her bedroom. Sofia’s mum has just left to get more pins and has been caught on the phone with one of the many relatives making their way to London in the next few weeks. So I am standing like a mannequin getting harpooned every time I breathe. I hadn’t told Sofia of my encounters with Daniel at the weekend away or the more recent ones. Only because I don’t need to be under a microscope right now but she’s been relentless and I cave.
I push my fingers to her lips and quieten her down. I am so not having this conversation in front of her mum. “Yes Sofs twice, well twice, actual intercourse, but a few other near misses.” I shake my head and flush bright red with shame.
She laughs loudly. “Listen to you, ‘intercourse’ you sound like a biology text book. So you fucked him twice and x-rated on a few other occasions . . . get you!” She fans herself but it’s me that’s over heating with embarrassment.
“Oh God I’m a slut!” I cover my face with both my hands but she peels the fingers back laughing with tears in her eyes.
“You’re hardly a slut for sleeping with your boyfriend.” She quips raising a brow and crossing her arms.
“But that’s exactly what I am because he is not my boyfriend. He may have walked away from me but I wouldn’t have stayed. Not when he’s hell bent on being sperm donor to Angel. No scratch that, not now he has become her sperm donor. Nothing has changed . . . it’s just I can’t seem to resist him. I’m barely functioning on my own. I’m not sleeping, I cry all the time, I’m all over the place emotionally. I’m a complete wreck but if he gets me alone I can’t keep my hands off him, it’s pathetic, shameful and I’m incapable of stopping myself.” I sigh exasperated.
“It’s fucking hot is what it is.” She crawls to the end of the bed and sits crossed legged in front of me, her brows knit with consternation. “Don’t get mad but I have to ask, is it so wrong he wants to help her out, if she is not lying that is? I mean if I couldn’t conceive and I asked for your help, wouldn’t you help or at least consider it?” The serious turn in the conversation was not what I was expecting and I am quiet while I consider her words.
I take her hand. “You know I would sweetie but then I don’t want to steel your husband. If I thought for a moment she was genuine I would, maybe be a bit more understanding, but let’s not forget I didn’t get that chance.” I pause because I would like to think I am being objective about this highly subjective situation and satisfied I continue. “Look this just fucking stinks. I can’t be certain about everything but I am certain that she wants him. If he can’t see, won’t see what she’s up to there is nothing I can do.” I pause when I think of his expression, distant almost desolate eyes and I sigh heavily with my own sadness before I continue to explain our last encounter. “He did look sad though . . . when I gave him a different end scenario where Angel wants to tell the baby who the daddy is. It was like he hadn’t actually thought about it. I know he’d never turn his back on his own child but it was like this was a revelation that . . . . . . Ow!” I try to sit but the few pins Vivienne managed to poke in effectively prevent that.
“You love him. I mean all that passion and insatiable lust aside you really love him?” She smiles softly still holding hands.
“Too much.” I can feel my eyes prickle and I fight the spill of tears as Vivienne re-enters the room.
“Right now.” Vivienne bustles around me prodding and poking. “You’ve lost some weigh
t around the waist but it seems to have gone to your boobs, lucky you.” She winks playfully and I chuckle. She quietly pins my dress and Sofia goes to fetch some drinks, I ask for a herbal ginger and honey tea. It’s my new favourite as it seem to really help with the nausea. It causes a raised brow or two but I just declare I’m on a health kick for the wedding. “How are you feeling sweetheart?” Vivienne whispers just as soon as Sofia is out of earshot.
“I’m good thanks Viv. It’s not been the best time I’m not going to lie but—” I chatter on but she interrupts.
“No sweetie, I heard you’d not been feeling well and I need to know you’re taking good care of yourself; extra care I mean.” She holds my gaze and I suddenly want to be wrapped in her arms and tell her everything. Her kind smile and knowing eyes nearly break me but Sofia opens the doors and we both resume our positions. “Well, that should do. I’ve left a little room for growth.” My head snaps and my eyes are wide with alarm. “I am sort of hoping your appetite returns. You are looking way too thin darling, bones are for dogs, men like some meat.” She gives a generous jiggle with her gorgeous curves to emphasise her point.
I change back into my jeans, skinny black spaghetti strap top and soft grey hoodie. Sofia starts to stuff her overnight things into her large pink leather Tote with the care of a seasoned backpacker. She declares that tonight, with the help of the girls, we shall formulate a plan. A last minute sleepover for a few that couldn’t make the hen weekend will turn my apartment into headquarters for ‘Operation Get Daniel’s Head Out Of His Arse.’ Sofia is at saturation point with the wedding and needs another focus. I would quite like a quiet night in but as Maid of Honour, it’s my duty to make her wishes reality and fixing my love life is her current wish. She is not the only one at saturation point.
I have seen Daniel every day at work since our ‘first’ date but he has kept himself to himself. He looks contemplative and distracted most of the time but he continues to work from the booth in the restaurant and meets me outside after each shift from work. I have resisted the temptation to accept a lift but do talk to him most of the walk home. My heightened sex drive is completely manageable when I am not in close proximity to him. It’s not like I find myself dry humping inanimate objects for relief. It is just him that dissolves any self-control and since our date we have both kept a little distance. It’s disconcerting that I hate the distance but need it at the same time. I can’t think straight when he’s there and I miss him when he isn’t. I need to sort my head, my heart and my future and I am sick of my passive acceptance of Angel’s interference. I am actually pleased about tonight, excited that at least some plan of action might be born.