by Ranae Rose
The text was from Dylan. Her heart sped as soon as she saw his name, and she swiped her thumb across the screen.
You up?
Even the sight of two little words from him made her heart skip a beat.
Yes.
Instead of another text, she received a call.
“Hey.” She kept her voice soft so she wouldn’t wake Emily.
“Hey. Sorry about last night – I should’ve called.”
“It’s all right. When you texted that you’d left because of a family emergency, I figured you were busy.”
His text hadn’t said whether his family was okay, and that had her biting the inside of one lip. Emily and James – and soon, Arianna – were the only family Crystal had, and she’d be devastated if anything happened to any of them.
“How’s everything going?” she asked. “You sound tired.”
“My brother’s going through a rough time and it’s hard to watch.” The sound of a door closing came from the other end of the connection.
“I’m sorry.”
“Between you and me, he got picked up by the police. Just on a minor charge, but his mental health was called into question. They think he’s bipolar, like me. I couldn’t have relied on anyone else in our family to help him out – they don’t understand the problem, and they don’t want to.”
“I understand.” The tone of his voice made her heart sink. “Don’t feel like you need to apologize to me just because you missed some of my terrible cooking. Obviously, what you’re dealing with is much more important.”
He groaned. “I’d kill for some of your cooking right now, but it’s not what I really miss.”
She couldn’t help smiling.
“I might be missing you for a while,” he added. “I’ve gotta stay here until I know my brother will be okay.”
“Of course you do.”
“You’re being so nice about this, but I know it sucks. You must’ve thought I stood you up yesterday.”
“Only for the most miserable half hour of my life.”
“Shit. I’m such a dick.”
“Relax, I was just kidding.”
“I hope that’s true. Believe me, I wanted to see you.”
“Yeah, well, I’ll be here when you get back.”
She could hear him exhale, and the sound sent a shiver down her spine.
“You were going to go back to Jersey to get ready for your move in another week anyway,” she reminded him.
“You have no idea how bad I wanted to spend that week with you.”
“Oh, I think I might have an idea…”
“All right, I’ve gotta get off the phone before I pop a hard-on and someone calls the police. I’m standing outside my brother’s apartment building and there are people around.”
She laughed and reluctantly said goodbye.
After the call was over, her humor gave way to uncomfortable concern. Even though he’d joked with her, she’d heard the strain in his voice – the worry. And it was no wonder he was upset.
She couldn’t help but wonder what she’d do if she ever needed to help someone in the same situation. Because apparently, the problem Ben was dealing with was the same one Dylan had.
Dylan was about to move to a new city, and it seemed safe to say that he’d be starting the new chapter in his life with her as his closest relationship.
The idea of him needing her help and her not knowing what to do made her heart race and her stomach knot up.
* * * * *
“Good news,” Dylan said when Ben shuffled out of his room at eleven o’clock. “I got in touch with my doctor and he agreed to fit you in today. You’ve got an appointment at three.”
Ben looked like a deer caught in headlights. “I don’t have insurance yet – I just applied yesterday.”
“I explained that. He’ll see you for a reduced rate, if you pay in cash.”
“How much?”
“A hundred bucks.”
“That’s a discounted rate?” Ben frowned.
“Most places would charge you twice that. It’s just one appointment, and it’ll be worth it. I wouldn’t be seeing him myself if I didn’t think he was good.”
“What’s he going to do – tell me the same thing the other doctor did, then take my money?”
“He’ll probably prescribe you medication.”
“Which will just cost even more.”
“Yeah. Today might cost you a few hundred bucks. Depends on what the doctor thinks.”
Ben groaned. “Fucking great.”
“If you can’t pay for it, I’ll help you out. Anyway, eat some breakfast and get dressed. We have somewhere to be before then.”
Dylan had decided to take a proactive role in helping Ben. What he needed was a routine – a healthy one. It’d help keep him grounded.
After Ben ate breakfast – a Pop-Tart, anyway – Dylan drove him to his gym.
“I didn’t bring any workout clothes, and I don’t have a membership,” Ben said.
“We’re just going to sign you up. Then you’ll have a place to go to burn off energy instead of working all night. Helps to work out regularly, too.”
Ben let Dylan sign him up for membership without arguing. He even handed over his debit card to pay for it himself. He acted like he didn’t care at all, and that gave Dylan a bad feeling.
* * * * *
Crystal staggered through her apartment’s front door with Emily on one hip and a diaper bag slung over her opposite shoulder. The sun had just begun to set, but she couldn’t feel the heat that had her neighbors hanging out in tank tops and shorts, sticking to the shade cast by the building. Inside her unit, she was downright cold.
She looked down at Emily’s summer outfit, doubting the choice she’d made that morning. Was Emily chilly too?
Her car’s dashboard had read seventy-six degrees. Maybe it was just her – she’d been fighting a headache since lunch, and her movements felt labored and clumsy. She longed to collapse on the couch or bed, but Emily needed a diaper change and a snack.
She pushed through the evening, willing the feeling to go away, but it didn’t. By the time Emily went down for her nap, Crystal was too bone-weary to work on a video, or make dinner. Instead, she lay down in bed and shut her eyes. It was amazing how different things were now than 24 hours ago – her time with Dylan almost seemed like a dream.
* * * * *
“It’s not as bad as it seems,” Dylan said. “It’s a turn for the better.”
Ben stared warily at the pharmacy bags he’d dropped on his kitchen table. The doctor had confirmed the diagnosis of type two bipolar disorder, just like Dylan had predicted. It’d started later in life for Ben than it had for Dylan, but it was the same thing.
“Not sure what’s gonna be worse,” Ben said, “paying for these prescriptions, or actually taking them.”
“You’ll have insurance to help cover the cost starting next month.” Dylan motioned toward one of the bags, which contained an atypical antidepressant. “I take that exact same thing, and it doesn’t bother me. It was weird starting out, but that passed.”
It’d been a bitch starting out, but he didn’t want to scare Ben.
“It’ll stop you from feeling so shitty,” he said. “Aren’t you sick of it?”
Ben eyed the first bag, then shifted his gaze to the second one. “What about the other one?”
“I’ve never taken it.”
“What do you take instead?”
“I took something that was supposed to do the same thing once, but I couldn’t handle the side effects.” Lithium. God, he’d hated it. It’d given him such bad hand tremors that he’d barely been able to get himself a glass of water, let alone draw or tattoo. He’d missed more than a month of work after trying the medication for just a couple weeks. After that, he’d found a new doctor.
“So you just said fuck it?”
More or less. “My doctor wanted me to try what he gave you instead, but I decided I’d rather t
ry and hack it without a mood stabilizer.”
“And you expect me to take one?”
“Look, I can do my job well without one. You’ve had a lot of trouble at work – I think you should try this.”
Ben scowled. “That’s pretty hypocritical, if you ask me.”
“I’m trying to help. These medications should help you function the way you want to – need to.”
He was just repeating what the doctor had said, but Ben clearly needed to hear it again.
“Just try it,” Dylan said. “If it fucks you up, you can go back to the doctor and get something else to try. Tomorrow we can go over to the garage and you can tell your boss what’s going on. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know you’re getting treated so you can come back to work.”
“I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want to tell anybody.”
“I think you should tell him, considering what happened. He seems like a good guy – I don’t think he’ll hold it against you. It’s your call whether you want to tell anyone else, though. If I were you I’d think about who you really want to know. People will judge you, and you don’t need their shit.”
Dylan knew from experience that telling someone you were bipolar was a fast track to being judged based off of that person’s ignorance, rather than your own actions or intentions.
“Do you tell people?”
“Almost never. Outside of you, mom and dad, the only people who know are the people I work with here in Jersey and some women.”
Dylan usually chose to keep his secret, and although that spared him plenty of unnecessary bullshit, it also had a way of cheapening the connections he had with other people. He was constantly aware that if they knew, things would be different. They’d judge, they’d laugh – they’d get up on their fucking high horses and ride off into the sunset.
Still, it was better than the alternative.
“Yeah, doesn’t exactly seem like something chicks flock to.” Ben rolled his eyes. “Another silver lining.”
“Relax. It’s not like you have terminal cancer with a week left to live. You can still find the right person, just like anyone else.”
He was pretty sure he’d found the right person, but what he didn’t mention was how worried he was that he wouldn’t be able to keep her.
He’d never held down a good relationship for very long, but maybe that was just him. Maybe things would be different for Ben.
Hell, maybe things would be different for him too, this time – maybe he’d just been with the wrong people before. He already knew that Crystal was a cut above the women he’d dated in the past. And there were plenty of completely healthy people who had trouble with relationships. Like Crystal, who’d been left to raise her daughter on her own.
He didn’t see how any man could stand to let her go, period. The fact that some guy had ditched her while pregnant boggled his mind. If he had a chance like that to really make her his, he’d hold onto it ‘till his dying breath.
* * * * *
Crystal woke up to the sound of Emily’s cries twenty minutes before her alarm clock was set to go off. Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, she stood and almost collapsed.
“Shit.” She slumped back down onto the bed and waited for the room to stop spinning. Her headache was back with a vengeance, and even breathing felt like work. Goose bumps popped up all over her body, and she longed to crawl back under the covers.
Instead, she shuffled into Emily’s room, hefted her out of her crib and changed her diaper before carrying her to her highchair. Instead of making her oatmeal like she did most mornings, she grabbed a toddler yogurt and peeled the lid back, then pulled up a seat beside the highchair and waited for her hands to stop shaking.
By the time Emily finished eating, Crystal was on the verge of throwing up. She swore and hurried down the hall. Who the hell got sick in August?
* * * * *
“It’s only day three,” Dylan said. “You’ve gotta power through the adjustment period before you know how it’ll effect you in the long term.”
Ben stood in the kitchen, bracing himself against the counter. “Fuck that. This was a mistake. I feel like I’m dying.”
“Really?”
“Well, if dying in real life is anything like dying in a video game, yeah. You can hear your heart beat and this weird ringing in your ears, and you think everything might fade to black any second. Just like that. It comes and goes, and I can’t stand it.”
“Hey, I’ve been there too.” He knew exactly what Ben was talking about – he’d gone through the same thing when he’d started the antidepressant he was on. “It only lasted a week or two for me.”
It’d also put him on a mood swing rollercoaster from hell, and he’d wanted to quit too. He almost had.
“Yeah, well you’re not taking all the shit I am, so how can you know how long this’ll last?”
“I’d take it if I had to, if what I’m using now stopped being enough. Hell, I might have to, at some point.”
Ben sank down into a seat at the table, and Dylan went outside to make a phone call. It was time to tell Jed that he wouldn’t be coming back to Pittsburgh anytime in the immediate future.
He felt like shit, thinking of the clients he’d let down. And then there was the fact that he’d screwed over Jed, who’d invited him to tattoo during Abby’s period of absence because the shop had more requests than they could accommodate. But this was more important than that, or what he wanted.
What he wanted was to be back in Pittsburgh, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d left Crystal at a bad time. Fleeing the state after revealing to her that he was bipolar didn’t do much to make him seem consistent, stable or dedicated – all the things he wanted to be, for her.
CHAPTER 15
“Mum mum!” Emily shrieked, like she always did. She’d never picked up ‘mama’, and ‘mommy’ was still too tough for her to say. So ‘mum mum’ it was.
Over the past three days, being a single mom, or mum mum, or whatever, had become a hell. Crystal tried to play with Emily like she usually did, but she didn’t have the energy to do anything more than sit some of Emily’s favorite toys in front of her.
Emily flung a stuffed elephant into Crystal’s face. Lying on the floor, she was easily within throwing range, and hair pulling range. Still, the nursery floor had become her base camp. It was the only room in the apartment where Emily could crawl and play with zero risk of getting into anything she shouldn’t, and so it was where they’d been spending most of their time over the past three days.
Crystal had called in sick to work each of those days, and didn’t know when she’d be able to go back. It was hard to get over being sick when you couldn’t even get eight hours of sleep, let alone rest during the day. As shitty as it felt, her biggest fear was getting Emily sick. She’d ordered surgical masks online days ago, with overnight shipping, and had been wearing them ever since. She’d also practically been bathing in hand sanitizer.
Hopefully, it’d be enough.
She rolled over onto her side – she’d brought a pillow in from her bed – and drifted between consciousness and sleep. She wished she could drop Emily off at daycare, even if only for a few hours, so she could catch up on rest, but she didn’t have the energy. Plus, she didn’t want to risk introducing any of her germs into the daycare, where other babies could potentially catch them.
It was the same reason why she didn’t dare ask James or Arianna for help. Viruses like the flu – or whatever she had – were extra dangerous for pregnant women and their unborn babies. She didn’t want her germs anywhere near Arianna, and that left her with no one to turn to.
It put her loneliness into a new perspective. Being with Dylan, however briefly, had made her realize how much she ached for companionship, physically and otherwise. But this was something different, a whole new level of need.
Raising a child on her own was hard. Right now, it was barely possible.
What would happen to Emily
if Crystal was ever too ill or injured to take care of her? There was James, who’d never let anything bad happen to Emily if he could help it, but Crystal had burdened him so much already, and he was starting his own family.
She wished she had someone she could rely on not because they felt obligated, but solely because they’d chosen to be there for her. And for Emily. She wished that Emily’s father hadn’t been a total asshole. If she’d made better choices, she could’ve spared herself – and Emily – stuff like this.
But then, if she’d made different choices she wouldn’t have had Emily in the first place, and she didn’t regret that, no matter what.
Still, the weight of her past mistakes felt especially heavy as she lay on the floor while Emily threw blocks and tried to get her to play. Maybe she wasn’t leaving her past behind, like she’d thought. Maybe the guilt was circular, an ever-present entity that’d come back again and again to haunt her as she tried to give Emily two parents’ worth of love and dedication.
* * * * *
15 Months Ago
“Please, Rick. I know it’s unfair for me to ask, but you’re the only person I can go to, and this is my only choice.”
Rick sat on her couch, frowning. He looked a lot like Justine – dark brown hair and eyes, tired-looking face. Right now, he probably looked that way because he was tired of her begging for help.
She couldn’t blame him, and she felt beyond terrible about what she was asking. Hated herself, more than she’d ever hated anyone – even her parents. But she’d agonized over this for days, and it was the only way out she could see. The only way she could ever give Emily the life she deserved.
“Are you sure your brother even still lives here?” Rick looked down at the address she’d given him.
She nodded, her cheeks heating up. “I called the management office pretending to be a creditor and confirmed it.”