by Sue Watson
‘Yeah, but this is helping.’
‘Hannah…’
‘Yeah,’ I say, a mouthful of strawberries now accompanying the pancake. He’s not eating, he’s just watching me and drinking coffee.
‘You didn’t drink that much last night, did you?’
‘No. But it wiped me out totally. I don’t remember much. I think I was sick, then nothing.’
‘Yes you were very sick.’
‘God. I haven’t been sick with alcohol since I was at uni – I can usually take my drink.’
‘Yeah, I know. We’ve shared a couple of bottles of red at home, and you’ve been fine, and everyone else at your table seemed relatively sober from where I was sitting.’
‘Oh no, did they?’ I feel even more embarrassed now.
‘I don’t know – it doesn’t make sense,’ he’s saying, ‘and it wasn’t just the sickness, you couldn’t stand up.’
‘Did you bring me home?’ I ask.
‘Of course. Good job I was there, the others were oblivious, just carried on drinking, didn’t seem to register how bad you were. You blacked out in the car. I was in two minds whether to take you to the hospital but brought you here and kept an eye on you all night.’
‘Aah thanks, what would I do without you?’
‘I thought the same.’ He pauses. ‘It made me wonder if…’
‘What?’ I stop chewing.
‘If someone spiked your drinks?’
This hadn’t even occurred to me, but I definitely felt much worse than I normally would after a few drinks. ‘You mean someone in the wine bar, the restaurant? But who? I mean, why would anyone do that?’
‘Who knows? There are some weirdos about. I worked on a case once where a waiter put drugs in women’s drinks, and when they were really out of it, he’d drive them home – and rape them.’
‘Jesus.’ I shake my head in disgust.
Alex shrugs. ‘I know. And I honestly don’t think it was just drink that made you like that last night Hannah. You should be careful, especially if you go out with a group of people again.’
‘What are you saying?’
He leans on one arm and looks at me. ‘What do you think?’
I immediately assume he’s talking about Helen. ‘Oh my God. You saw her on the app, she was nearby, she might have come into the bar and… But could she…? Could Helen be capable of…?’
‘Perhaps,’ he says. ‘But then again, I can’t say she was actually in the bar, and she moved away from the area pretty early on, long before your second bottle.’
‘So you were there, in the bar – Alex you must have been there all night.’
‘I don’t know how long… I just drove over as soon as I saw Helen was in the vicinity.’
I take a breath. ‘That’s good… I think, but…’ I’m about to say that he can’t spend his life looking at the app and checking where she is. But I guess while there’s still a chance she’s upset about us, it’s just as well.
‘She could easily have seen me go in…’ I start, but he interrupts me.
‘I don’t think that’s Helen’s style,’ he says. ‘No. I was thinking – now don’t get angry with me – can you think of someone you work with who might want you to be so out of it you go back to theirs?’
And it hits me. ‘You mean Jas, don’t you?’
‘You tell me? I don’t know her – but if someone were to tell me that one of them had tried to get you really out of it for a laugh, I might think Jas – or Harry, or the other one, Sameera is it?’
‘All my friends basically,’ I say, annoyed now. ‘What about Margaret? She’s sixty-five with a heart condition, but I’m sure she’s got the odd date-rape drug knocking about in her handbag. So why don’t we throw her into the mix too?’
Alex sighs. ‘I knew you’d get angry.’
‘Of course I am. Why on earth would any of my friends do that? It’s not like it’s even funny.’
‘Jas might think it’s funny. Harry might see it as a way of getting you vulnerable and—’
‘Stop this now, Alex, it’s ridiculous and hurtful. These are my good friends. I’ve known them longer than I’ve known you. What would any of them gain by me being out of it?’
‘I don’t know. You said Jas is always telling you how much she misses you. She might just have thought if you were in a bad way, you’d have to go back with her and stay over, and she’d have you there with her, where she wants you. Doing her bidding.’
A vague flash of memory hits me from last night. Jas putting her arm around me, saying I could stay with her. I feel a shiver now. ‘I woke up this morning to loads of messages and missed calls from Jas, asking where I was,’ I admit. I’d immediately texted her back. I know how she worries, but this does make me think.
‘Yeah. I was going to text her from your phone when I got you back here, tell her where you were, but she beat me to it, and called you. When I picked up, she kept demanding I put you on the phone, kept going on about your safety, like I’m some serial killer.’
My heart sinks. ‘You were nice to her though?’
‘As nice as one can be when someone’s virtually accusing them of kidnapping their own girlfriend. It wasn’t like she didn’t know where you were. When we left the bar after you were sick, I actually left you in the car – I locked it – and went back in to let them know you were with me and I was taking you home.’
‘Oh?’
‘I couldn’t find them at first, but then I found Jas by the bar. I told her I was taking you home and if she wanted a lift home, she could have one.’
‘Was she on her own?’
‘No, she was with a group of guys. I’d never seen them before, and I don’t think she knew them. She was all over them, though… ugh.’
‘She gets like that sometimes when she’s had a drink. She’s been through some tough times. I think she misses Tony and is looking for a shoulder to cry on, I guess. She’s had a difficult life.’
‘Yes, so you’ve told me, but it’s no excuse. The way she was going on, she had her arms round one of them, making all kinds of lewd suggestions.’
I have to laugh. ‘Alex, you sound so pompous! She was probably only messing around.’
He smiles. ‘You’re right, I’m sometimes a bit much I know, but I just hate the way some people sleep around.’
‘Enough, Judge Judy,’ I say, and give him a gentle slap. ‘Hopefully Harry and Sameera were looking out for her.’
‘Well, your friend is a grown woman. I suppose it’s up to her who she molests in a wine bar.’ He sighs.
‘Whatever gets her through the night,’ I reply.
He’s looking at me, like he’s thinking about something, then he says, ‘I’ll never understand how you two are friends – you’re so different.’
‘We’re not so different.’ I sigh. I hope he wasn’t too short with Jas – she seems to antagonise him without even trying, and vice versa. Is it too much to want my partner and my best friend to like each other? I guess it’s the kind of people they are, both strong and both quick to judge. Both very much alike, come to think of it.
‘You know,’ he starts, making himself comfortable, ‘Jas didn’t know I would come along to the wine bar, so if she did spike your drink, you’d do everything she wanted you to. You’d go back with her, and also hang around with the guys she was with.’
I wish he’d leave this, he’s totally barking up the wrong tree. ‘Alex, she didn’t spike my drink – no one did. I must have eaten something dodgy, or my body reacted to the drink – that’s all. And Jas doesn’t need me to pick up guys.’
‘Well, I hope you’re right – and I’m wrong. But do me a favour, and just be careful if you go out with them – especially Jas – again.’
‘Alex, don’t, they’re my friends,’ I say softly, so he knows I know he’s gone too far. ‘I think I’m being a bit of a crap friend myself at the moment where Jas is concerned. I rarely do anything with her any more.’
‘I k
now. I just… I’ve seen stuff like this through work, people do dangerous things when they’re scared of losing what they love, Hannah. The courts are full of neglected and abandoned people,’ he adds dramatically, ‘and if Jas is feeling like she’s lost you, because of me, then she might… do something out of character, something weird.’
‘Hang on, Alex.’ I feel quite angry and defensive of my friend, I also feel he’s being a hypocrite. ‘The only person doing anything weird around here is your ex-wife.’
‘I just want you to be safe, Hannah.’ He sighs. ‘And as much as I worry about Helen being a danger, I’m not convinced Jas has your best interests at heart.’
‘Who does?’ I ask, peevishly.
‘I do and you know it.’ He looks at me earnestly. ‘Just remember what I said, be careful.’
‘Okay, I will be careful next time I go out with her,’ I say, sure he’s wrong.
Chapter Thirty
‘Did you say Alex is working late this week? Perhaps you and I could have one of our legendary girls’ nights out?’ This is Jas’s opening gambit the minute I walk in on Monday morning. She’s already called me several times over the weekend, and when I explained in whispers from the bathroom why Alex had turned up at the wine bar, she laughed out loud.
‘So that’s what he’s doing now is it? Pretending Helen’s on the loose, so he has an excuse to be wherever you are?’
‘No.’ I sighed, unable to have a proper conversation because he might hear and then say again that I tell Jas too much. I do tell her most things, but she’s my best friend and that’s what friends do, it’s what we’ve always done. But her calling pissed off Alex, because the first time we were trying to watch a film together, then she called again when we were having dinner, then she called later when we were making love.
‘For God’s sake, does she never stop?’ he said, each time my phone rang. It made what should have been a lovely, relaxing weekend very tense. It seems that after meeting her in the office, then seeing her with some random men on Friday night, has turned an irrational dislike into something far worse.
‘So, what night are we having a girls’ night?’ Jas asks again now. ‘After all, it’s Christmas next week and we need to get festive.’
‘Let’s sort something out,’ I say vaguely. I don’t want to say no to her, but I have a lot of work to catch up on and as Alex will be working late this week, I was hoping to do it then. I’m planning to spend a couple of nights at my place. I haven’t been there for what feels like weeks, except to pick up clothes, and I’m looking forward to spending some time there. I love spending time with Alex, but I find it hard to concentrate with someone else around. It’s bad enough at work being distracted by Jas’s latest dating disaster, Sameera’s constant wedding planning, and Harry teasing us and waving bags of croissants in my face. I don’t really want to give up a precious night alone at my flat.
‘So give me a day – when are you and I going to hit the town?’ Jas has her head to one side, a smile playing on her lips.
How can I say no? And would she ever stop asking even if I did? I agree to go out with her on Wednesday and Jas seems happier.
‘I just feel like we need a big catch-up,’ she says. ‘I miss you, and Alex took you away early on Friday, just as we were having fun.’
‘Yeah it was great, but I wasn’t well. I felt really rough after just a few glasses,’ I say. I don’t think for a moment that Jas had anything to do with that, but I can’t help but think about what Alex said and discreetly check her face for any tell-tale twitches. Immediately, I’m ashamed of myself for even thinking my friend might have spiked my drink.
‘Could have been something you ate?’ she offers half-heartedly.
‘Yeah, probably. Anyway, I promise I won’t get wasted on Wednesday, just pleasantly pissed,’ I say.
She giggles. ‘Me too!’
I watch her bounce back into her office, curly black hair caught up in a scrunchie, her long legs clad in thick woolly leggings, and the usual ‘Conversed’ feet. She looks good; she doesn’t look forty-two – she dresses like an eighteen-year-old and carries it off. I love the way she doesn’t care, she is who she is and she wouldn’t change for anyone. At the same time, she wants a relationship, and recently I feel like she’s gone from booty calls to wanting so much more. Despite her bravado, I think she’d love what she once had with Tony, and what I have with Alex. She went out on a date almost every night last week, but didn’t like any of them. She says she doesn’t want another Christmas alone, but I tell her a lot of it is down to luck, the right man, the right time and all that.
As much as I’d like to share my happiness with my best friend, I try not to push it in her face. Sometimes I find it easier to talk about Alex to Sameera, because she’s loved up too and we can forgive each other for boring the world about our boyfriends. Last week, I told her how he leaves little notes around the house saying how much he loves me, and she squealed with delight.
Harry overheard and started smirking. ‘I could leave you guys notes around the office if you like?’ he said. ‘They could say things like, “Stop gossiping and get on with your work.”’
‘Mmm, perhaps not, eh?’ I giggled. ‘But, Harry, don’t you ever leave romantic notes for Gemma?’
‘No.’ He shook his head as if it was the most ridiculous thing he’d heard, and Sameera and I laughed. If it hadn’t been for Jas, he wouldn’t even have asked Gemma out. She’s quite the matchmaker and perhaps she’d be more accepting of Alex, if she’d literally put us together. I know she saw him on the app, but it isn’t quite the same, and she isn’t as invested as she might have been.
Her criticism of Alex isn’t something I should take personally, though. Jas needs my friendship and support, she probably always will, so if it means swapping a night of peace and quiet at home to spend the evening laughing in a wine bar with her, then it’s a no-brainer.
Over dinner at his, I tell Alex I’m going to spend a couple of nights at my flat this week while he’s working late. ‘I thought Wednesday and Thursday – I know you’re busy too, it would be good for both of us to give some time to work,’ I say.
‘But I love having you here. We can work together in the evenings?’ he says, and I smile at the glimmer of a sulking bottom lip.
‘Alex, I love being here, but I need to make sure my flat’s okay, and you’re going to be working late and I’ve really got loads of work too and…’ I feel a sense of rising panic just thinking about Chloe. She’s still in temporary accommodation, but for how long? I called her mum, Carol, who in truth, seemed concerned about her daughter, and was at least able to talk to me without snarling. But when I asked what she knew about Chloe being in a relationship, she said she had an idea, and even hinted it might be one of Chloe’s teachers. She was adamant that nothing was going on with her own boyfriend Pete, and took offence at my extremely subtle suggestion that Pete might be the one getting too close to her daughter. Carol did say she felt bad for kicking her daughter out, but complained that ‘she caused trouble’ between her and Pete. She said she hated the idea of her sleeping rough and would like her to go home, but when I rang Chloe with the good news she refused. And I’m convinced her not going home has something to do with this older man she’s been seeing.
Meanwhile, there’s a boy of thirteen called Jack, who is worrying me. We’ve been contacted by the family GP who suspects he’s being physically abused by his father. I’ve visited the home, the family’s now on our radar, but the boy isn’t telling us anything. That’s the problem working with families, even if you’re there to help you’re the outsider – they tend to protect each other, even when that ‘protection’ leads to harm – or worse. Perhaps that’s why I chose this career, I’ve always been outside looking in – my experience as the outsider allows me to observe a family unit objectively. But with individuals it’s different, my days are tied up with horrible little knots of life that need undoing, and some days my head is filled with a montage of
abuse and hurt and suffering. That’s what I need to detach from, that’s why Jas, quite rightly, says I need to detach. But on the few occasions I turn off my phone and try to enjoy some downtime with Alex in the evening, I’m always aware that some of my clients are suffering. And however much I tell myself it’s okay, because this is home and that’s work – it isn’t. Not for me. The abuse doesn’t stop after 5 p.m. when I leave for the day. I can’t shut the door on these kids when I get home and pretend everything’s okay. And with Christmas round the corner, it can be an especially difficult time. Where the season is fun and exciting for many teens, it’s something far darker for others. This is my job, and it’s also my life, and I understand it can’t be easy for Alex, who must sometimes feel as if he’s taking second place to my work, and the mess of human life involved.
‘You understand, don’t you?’ I say now. ‘I just need some time to sort everything out.’
‘I have stuff too,’ he says. ‘I’m working on a big case. It’s important, but not more important than you,’ he huffs.
‘Whoa hang on, Alex, I’m not saying my work’s more important. But you have to understand the kind of work I do is sometimes 24/7 – it has to be, because troubled kids don’t do nine to five.’
‘Now you’re being sarcastic.’ He sighs.
‘I’m just saying it isn’t office hours, and sometimes I need to have some space, to be able to think about what’s happening, to make and receive private phone calls.’
‘Private? Space? But I’m your partner, aren’t I?’
‘Yeah, but it wouldn’t be ethical to make client calls in front of you. Even at the office, we have a small room we can go in to make confidential calls out of respect to our clients.’
‘I understand that, but I don’t see why you have to go back to your flat to have some space, there’s plenty here. And you have to strike a balance – being a social worker doesn’t mean you can’t have a personal life. There are emergency helplines, you know.’
‘Yes there are. But I didn’t become a social worker to only be available during office hours – these kids need to know I’m there for them. With someone else, they might feel unsafe… betrayed.’