by Ella Harper
Connie shot Janine a glance and swallowed.
‘Listen.’ Janine checked the flashing messages on her phone and tossed it to one side. ‘That’s your business. I might be way off beam. You do whatever feels right to you on that front.’
‘I don’t feel ready to leave him or anything,’ Connie said, feeling panicked. ‘I don’t have anywhere to go.’
‘There is always somewhere to go,’ Janine disagreed dismissively. ‘I’ve been married and divorced twice since we last worked together.’
‘Yes. That’s true.’
‘God, I need to take this call,’ Janine said, picking her phone up again. ‘Give me a sec.’
While Janine gave someone on the phone hell, Connie thought about leaving Jonas. Really thought about the reality of walking away. She went cold all over. Jonas had been her rock for years. He had picked her up at her lowest ebb and he had always held onto her. Kept her above water. He had supported her through her pregnancy, through leaving work, having Hannah later on. He had provided for the family and he had looked after them all financially and otherwise for years.
But he hit her. Connie pulled herself up. Jonas hit her. He had done it more than once, which suggested he had lost respect for her and that he wasn’t remorseful. He always said he was sorry, but then he did it again. So he wasn’t sorry. And as for the way he had been about getting fired and her taking on all the responsibility…
Connie watched Janine get up and pace around her office. She wasn’t happy with Jonas. She hadn’t been happy for a long time now – roughly three years or more. And that was a long time to be unhappy. She took her own phone out and checked it. Since their chat a few weeks ago, JJ had taken to texting her now and again. Not long messages, just short ones, checking how she was. Every time Connie received a message from him, her heart leapt. She knew that was silly. And probably just because she and Jonas were falling apart.
But what about that thing he’d said as she was leaving? Connie’s cheeks felt hot as she remembered his words. Had he been talking about her? Connie didn’t even want to think that, because it made her heart clench and feel things it shouldn’t be feeling. But it had sounded as though JJ regretted them splitting up all those years ago. It sounded as though he had been trying to rediscover those feelings again ever since.
Did he still love her? Connie put her phone down and put her hands on her face. She was sure that he didn’t, but what if he did?
‘You should see your face,’ Janine said, ending her call. She sat down again.
‘What?’
Janine smiled. ‘You’ve always been one of those people whose face is so open and animated, it’s like you’re telling a story through your eyes and your expressions. I’ve been watching you whilst I’ve been on the phone and you’ve gone through a whole spectrum of emotions in the space of five minutes.’
‘I really have,’ Connie agreed. She wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.
‘Is there someone else?’ Janine asked.
Connie took a breath. ‘Kind of. But not really, if you know what I mean.’
Janine nodded slowly. ‘I do. Look, Con. All I can say to you is this. It’s a cliché, but life is too short. It really is. If you’re not happy with Jonas and he’s treating you badly – and your face said he’s treating you badly – you need to have a serious think about getting out of this relationship. Whether there is someone else on the horizon or you just think life would be easier and better if you were alone, it’s something to think about. You can’t stay with someone just because they were good to you in the beginning.’
‘He saved me,’ Connie said, looking at her hands. ‘Jonas saved me back then.’
‘Yes. And he’s been a good husband, from what you’ve said,’ Janine said gently. ‘But it sounds like he’s changed. And you’re not talking about how’s he changed and what horrible things he’s done, so my creative mind is going into overdrive. I’m imagining all sorts.’
Connie couldn’t respond to that. ‘I just don’t know if I can leave him,’ she said in a whisper. ‘What about the girls…?’
‘The girls would be fine,’ Janine said firmly. ‘My children are fine and they were younger than yours are when I got divorced. And honestly, Connie – it’s better to show your kids a loving, happy relationship than an unhappy one with no affection. Plus whatever else might be going on.’
Connie sucked her breath in. Janine was right. Bella had been distraught when she saw Jonas hitting her and she hadn’t been herself since. But leaving was such a huge thing. And Connie worried about Hannah. She and Jonas were so close.
‘Anyway, you came here to talk about a job,’ Janine reminded her kindly. ‘So leave that with me and I’ll see what I can do. I can’t promise anything, but if I can get you something, I will.’
‘Thank you.’ Connie got up and hugged Janine across the desk. ‘And thanks for the chat. It’s given me a lot to think about.’
‘Anytime.’ Janine showed her out. ‘But seriously, Con. At the end of the day – and I’m about to bust out another cliché here – it’s all about being happy.’
Connie left the office, hoping something would come of the job. Apart from that, her head was all over the show. She was having weird thoughts about Jonas and even weirder thoughts about JJ. She headed home, hoping Jonas was in a good mood. He wasn’t.
‘Where have you been?’ he snarled as she came into the kitchen.
‘At the magazine office trying to get my old job back,’ Connie said calmly. She looked around the kitchen. It was a mess. The work tops were dirty, there was washing hanging haphazardly on the dryer which would never dry and Jonas had clearly started cooking something before abandoning it without clearing up. Connie sighed. Was Jonas depressed? Was this why he was struggling so much with doing simple housework? He’d told her this was going to be easy, that she barely did anything all day. Yet every day when she came home from trying to get a job, or from helping Bella and Hannah out with some of their school stuff, the house would look like a bomb had hit it.
‘Were you making something?’
Jonas glared at her. ‘Lasagne. It went wrong. I don’t have a clue what to do about dinner now.’
Connie started tidying up. ‘OK. Let’s just do a pasta dish. I’ll start cooking a sauce if you like.’
‘No thanks. I made a sauce for the lasagne. I’ll use that,’ Jonas cut her off curtly. ‘Did you get your old job back?’
Connie felt nervous. Jonas had that look in his eye. Like he might flip. ‘Not yet. Janine is doing what she can to re-instate me, but it depends what she can sort out.’
‘Fuck!’
Connie jumped out of her skin.
‘Why haven’t you got a job yet?’ Jonas demanded. ‘Why, Connie? We’re going to lose this house if you’re not careful.’
‘Maybe we should,’ Connie said cautiously. ‘Maybe we should just sell up and downsize.’
‘Downsize?’ Jonas looked outraged. ‘What, because of you? Because you can’t get a bloody job?’
Connie started to feel upset. ‘No, Jonas. Just to take the pressure off. That’s all. I’m doing everything I can to get a job. Everything. My CV has gone out to fifty-four companies for various different roles. I’ve visited employment agencies. And I’ve just asked for my old job back.’
‘You should have a job by now.’ Jonas dismissed everything she’d just said. ‘Simple as that.’
‘I can get jobs,’ Connie retorted. ‘I can get a job cleaning in two local schools. Do you know how much that pays? It’s nowhere near enough.’
Jonas folded his arms. ‘So take five of those jobs. You should be doing whatever it takes.’
Connie stared at him. How could he be like this?
‘We need money. And it’s up to you to get it.’ Jonas was relentless.
‘I can’t try any harder than I’m trying,’ Connie informed him. She didn’t want to wind him up, but she couldn’t stop thinking about the suggestions JJ had come up with
. ‘Why don’t we sit down together and see if there are any other options.’
‘Other options?’ Jonas said, sounding angry. ‘What other options?’
Connie decided to be brave. ‘Like… maybe I could re-train to do something else. Like maybe we could sell the house and downsize. Maybe we could…’
‘Well, aren’t we Little Miss Fix It?’ Jonas spat. ‘No. Just get a fucking job, Connie. Pay the mortgage. And the bills.’
‘I’m trying. I’m really trying.’ Connie burst into tears.
‘Oh shut up!’
Within seconds, Jonas had crossed the floor and he had hold of Connie by her shoulders. He shook her – hard. So hard her teeth rattled and her neck hurt. She struggled and tried to pull away from Jonas’s red face. His eyes looked awful; he didn’t even look like himself.
Connie felt a hard smack across her face. Oh my God. He had done it again. Jonas grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. Hard. That expression about teeth rattling when a person was shaken was so true, Connie thought to herself. She felt Jonas shove her and she crashed into a nearby wall, crunching her shoulder. The pain was excruciating. She held herself up and grabbed her shoulder.
Jonas grabbed her again, yanking her closer by curling his hands into her top forcibly. Connie screamed and put her hands on Jonas’s, meeting his eyes. No more.
‘How could you?’ she said to him in a quiet voice. ‘How can you do that to me and say you love me?’
Jonas stared at her. Then he slumped down and staggered backwards until he hit a kitchen cabinet.
Connie put a hand to her face. It hurt like hell, as did her shoulder, but what was worse was the fact that Jonas had done that to her again. And she had let him. Right in that moment, Connie didn’t think she could hate herself more. Or Jonas, for that matter.
My marriage just died, Connie thought to herself. It was over. Without saying another word, Connie left the kitchen and went upstairs. She didn’t know what she was going to do or how she was going to go about it, but this had to be over now. Jonas wasn’t going to get help and she couldn’t seem to stop him doing this to her. Connie went into the en-suite bathroom and cried her eyes out. And wished JJ would come and take her away from all this.
Jonas
Jonas went down to the bottom of the garden and sat on the bench at the end, surveying the garden and the back of the house. It had been a week since he had hit Connie in the kitchen. He hadn’t stopped feeling sick since then. Because something was different this time. Connie was different. In that moment where he had lost control of himself, Jonas had altered something between them. He didn’t know what exactly, as he couldn’t see that what he had done was any different to the other times, but he felt it. In that moment and afterwards.
Was his marriage over? Jonas felt his stomach tighten at the thought of it. He had never thought of actually being without Connie. Had never imagined that he could end up on his own without her in his life. It hadn’t happened yet, but Jonas was now facing that reality. Why hadn’t he thought about it before? Jonas knew Connie was an amazing person. He knew he didn’t want to lose her. Yet he had pushed her away and pushed her away and he had taken her for granted. So why hadn’t he been able to stop himself from hurting her?
Jonas felt cool air on his face and he held it up, feeling the calming breeze envelop him. He had just been so worried about the job thing. So anxious about money. So angry about Connie not managing to fix everything the way he had hoped she would. The way he had told her to. Jonas ran a hand through his hair. He realised that he sounded bullish and rude. But someone had to sort this situation out and it wasn’t going to be him.
Should it be, though? JJ seemed to think so. JJ had angered him by sounding as though he was on Connie’s side, but his words had struck a chord. He had acted as though Jonas was being out of order, as if he should be doing more. But Jonas genuinely felt that he had done everything he could do – until this point. And he didn’t have the energy to do more. He couldn’t even look after the house, for fuck’s sake. He had thought it was going to be easy, but it really wasn’t. There was such a lot to do and Connie had made it look straightforward. If Jonas had managed to organise himself, he was certain there would be odd moments where he could meet people for coffee or sit and read a magazine. But there was always something to do, which had astonished him. Particularly as Bella and Hannah weren’t babies. They did, however, need a fair amount of ferrying around. It would be good when Bella was able to drive, but God only knew how they were going to afford that.
Jonas felt isolated. JJ was ignoring him, it seemed. Or he was too busy to talk, for whatever reason. Layla had been great that time when he went over, but since then, she had been caught up with her mum. Jonas understood; Evelyn was hard work, and watching her change the way she had must be hard. But selfishly, Jonas wished Layla was more available. He needed a friend right now. All of his work mates had dropped away, presumably because he was an embarrassment after being fired, and Jonas hadn’t heard from his boss Lukas once. He hadn’t expected to, in all honesty, but it would have been nice if Lukas had checked on him to see if he was all right. If any other work had been lined up.
Jonas felt like persona non grata right now. No one wanted to know him. Connie hadn’t spoken to him since the last incident. He couldn’t really blame her, but still. It felt horrible between them. As though – as though… it was over. Jonas went cold. Was it over? He didn’t think he could cope if it was. His marriage was the only thing he had left. Why he was risking it was bizarre, even to him.
It was seven o’clock in the evening. Bella was at a friend’s house and Connie had gone to see Layla. Hannah was in her bedroom, listening to music, Snapchatting her friends or whatever they did. Jonas took out his phone and called her. She took ages to answer and sounded impatient when she did. Jonas wasn’t sure if it was because he’d accidentally dyed one of her favourite blouses pink yesterday.
‘Dad. What’s up?’
‘I’m just in the garden. Fancy joining me?’
There was a pause. ‘Er… what for?’ Hannah said, sounding puzzled.
Jonas felt like an idiot. ‘Just for a chat, I guess.’
‘In the garden? Isn’t it cold?’
‘A bit. I can come indoors if you want.’
‘Nah, it’s OK. Chloe’s calling me. Can we talk later?’
Jonas felt deflated. Even Hannah didn’t want to talk to him. ‘Of course. Speak later then.’ He hadn’t even got the words out before Hannah had ended the call.
Jonas sighed. He felt completely useless. And pointless. What was he doing here? No one gave a shit about him. No one cared. Even if he had caused some of this himself, he felt like crap. Like a piece of crap.
There was also something niggling at him, something he couldn’t quite get hold of. Something someone had said that kept coming into his head, then swimming off again. Was it something Layla had said? He tried to call her, but predictably, there was no answer.
Jonas’s brow furrowed. He knew it was something important. He knew that once he remembered what it was, it would be significant to him. He sat back and stared at the house again. All that money. So many memories. So much fun and love… so much pain. Caused by him. Tipping his head back, Jonas realised what a mess he’d made of everything. And it felt like it was too late now to get any of it back.
Layla
As she had five minutes before her client arrived, Layla tried to phone Alfie. There was no answer. She had no idea why she was calling him, but she suddenly badly wanted to see him again. She knew it was hopeless, but she had thought maybe she might be able to invite him over and tell him everything. Maybe he wouldn’t be like JJ’s mate. Maybe he would actually care enough to listen and not run a mile.
Layla’s heart slumped again. She felt as though she was constantly trapped in the house. She could barely leave because of her mum. She was so bad now that the incontinence and soiling were a daily problem. An Admiral Nurse was due over soon as
the social assessment had taken place and Evelyn had been deemed to be high up on the list for assistance. Or rather, Layla had. But that had been three weeks ago and so far, no one had come out to her.
JJ had gone off radar of late as well, Layla realised. He had contacted her on and off with very caring messages and voicemails and if truth be told, she hadn’t really got back to him on those messages. She hadn’t really had time. The same for Connie – she had messaged and called, but Layla had barely had time to respond. Not for any length of time, at any rate. Layla could do with a bottle of wine with Connie and an all-night chat, the way they used to. But Layla was loath to ask anyone to the house at the moment. How could she, when her mum kept having accidents all the time?
Layla took out her client notes. She had lost four clients in the past two months. It had to be because of her mum and she was at the end of her tether. How on earth was she going to pay for any of her mum’s care on top of her own outgoings if she couldn’t sustain her job? She was constantly being interrupted by her mum calling out for her to come and help with something and she spent an awful lot of time cleaning and making the house smell nice as she was so paranoid about all the accidents. The doorbell went and Layla went to answer it. Assuming the professional demeanour she adopted when she was dealing with a client, she took a breath, hoped to God her mum stayed put in her bedroom and opened the door.
‘Miles. Come on in.’ Layla stood aside to let her client in. Miles was an attractive guy in his forties who had all sorts of issues with holding down a relationship. Unfortunately, his sessions had been interrupted by Layla’s mum in the past. ‘How are you?’