If I Fall

by Ella Harper

  Connie

  Connie stared at JJ in shock. She was still reeling from everything she’d just heard. What poor JJ had been through. It was unbearable to hear about – God only knew how he had got through it. He had only been seven, for God’s sake.

  And why had he asked her about Jonas just now? Connie felt unnerved. She didn’t want to talk about Jonas.

  ‘What did you mean about this not being in the past anymore?’ she asked.

  ‘Sorry?’ JJ pulled himself out of his reverie.

  Connie persisted. ‘You said something about this not being in the past anymore. What did you mean?’

  JJ looked uptight. ‘My dad’s been in touch again. He keeps phoning me. I keep changing my number and he keeps tracking me down and finding me.’

  ‘Shit. You have to call the police.’ Connie felt a rush of panic. JJ wasn’t safe. Not with this man walking around freely. ‘Haven’t you thought about telling the police before now? I don’t mean with the recent phone calls. I mean, when you were older. When we were at uni, maybe.’

  JJ shook his head. ‘No. I just wanted to forget about it. I wanted it to be over. He wasn’t doing it to anyone else; I’m sure of that. It was just me that sick bastard was interested in.’

  ‘But… what if he found someone else to… to do it to when you fought back?’ Connie asked. She was scared for JJ and for whoever else might have been involved. ‘He might have hurt someone else. And even if he didn’t, shouldn’t he pay for what he did to you?’

  ‘I just want him away from me,’ JJ told her angrily. ‘I don’t want to think about him anymore. He’s the stuff nightmares are made of, Connie. He’s a monster. I can’t bear the thought of him even phoning me now. So the next time he does, I’ll call the police.’

  Connie didn’t want JJ to wait until he got in touch again. She wanted JJ to call the police now. She wanted this sick, disgusting pervert of a man prosecuted and charged. She put her hand over her mouth again, feeling as though she might vomit. How could anyone do that to a child? As a parent, she found it abhorrent. Absolutely horrendous and unthinkable. And the fact that it had happened to JJ made it even worse.

  Connie stared at JJ. And hated him for a moment, for not trusting her all those years ago. For not telling her what he had told her today. For not giving her a chance to show him that she was capable of huge love and acceptance. And then, the hatred she was feeling for JJ turned inwards. She hated herself for not being brave. For not trusting JJ with the truth. When she had known the truth, anyway, which she hadn’t straight away.

  Connie turned away. She had hated JJ so much back then, for leaving her, for breaking her heart, that she had allowed that to cloud her judgement. She had grabbed onto the nearest person she could in Jonas and between her and JJ, they had changed history. Between them, they had altered the story that could have been theirs.

  And now, it was possible she wouldn’t be forgiven. It was possible that whatever chance there might be for them today would be ruined by the past. It was almost the reverse of what JJ had done, ironically. Connie wanted to cry and beat JJ’s chest and she wanted to beat her own. And curse the universe. If only she’d known all this back then. If she had, she could have made different – better – decisions. Everything could have slotted into place and life wouldn’t be how it was now. How it would have been was anyone’s guess, but Connie was sure she wouldn’t be sitting here today, contemplating a divorce she couldn’t bring herself to carry out, carrying a dark secret that no one had ever guessed. A secret she was sure JJ would never forgive her for.

  ‘I have to go,’ she said, getting to her feet.

  ‘Why?’ JJ asked. He put his arm out to stop her. ‘I don’t want you to go. I want you to stay so we can talk about us.’

  ‘Us?’ Connie shook her head, full of regret and sorrow. ‘There is no us, JJ. There can’t ever be an us.’

  ‘Why not?’ he demanded fiercely. ‘I know you still love me. I know you do.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter!’ she cried. ‘It doesn’t matter. There’s been too much lying between us. Too many secrets.’

  JJ looked gutted. ‘I said I was sorry for not telling you about my dad. And I am. I wish I’d trusted you. But I was so ashamed. I thought you’d think differently of me.’

  I don’t think differently about you, but you would of me, Connie thought to herself. If you knew, JJ, you wouldn’t love me anymore, you would hate me.

  ‘I have to go,’ Connie said, pulling away from JJ. ‘I’m expecting a call from Janine and I need to go and make sure Jonas hasn’t done something stupid.’

  ‘What?’ JJ scoffed. ‘You think Jonas might top himself? Not in a million years. He doesn’t have the guts.’

  Connie stared at JJ. There was something in his voice… something that was scaring her. Was JJ on the edge? No, surely not. He wasn’t himself, but he had just unburdened himself with a secret he had been carrying around for nearly twenty years.

  ‘I have to go,’ she said again. ‘Are you… are you all right?’

  ‘No,’ JJ replied. ‘Are you?’

  ‘No,’ she said, her voice catching in her throat.

  She turned and walked away from JJ. She had to, before she said something she would regret. Too many lives would be blown apart by it and Connie had no right to do that to all of the people involved. She turned around once and found him staring at her as though his heart was broken. Connie felt her chest tighten. Her phone rang and she drew it out of her handbag, hoping it was JJ.

  It was Janine. Connie’s stomach fell. ‘Hey.’

  ‘Hey. How are you?’

  ‘Not bad,’ Connie lied. ‘Any update?’

  ‘Yes.’ Janine was frank. ‘I’m afraid I can’t offer you something right now.’

  Connie stopped dead in the street. There was her best chance at a well-paid job with perfect hours – gone.

  ‘Are you still there?’ Janine said.

  ‘Yes. Sorry. That’s… a bummer.’

  ‘It is, but I might have something in a few months’ time. Don’t give up hope; I’ll be in touch soon, Con.’

  Connie ended the call without another word. Don’t give up hope? It was a bit too late for that. She clawed at her throat. She felt very much like she was drowning. As though she had plummeted into deep, deep water and she was sinking to the bottom. She couldn’t see a way out and she wasn’t sure she was going to make it. Her phone rang again – it was Bella. Connie clutched the phone to her chest. Bella. The centre of everything. Both the darkness and the light.

  If anyone found out, her life wouldn’t be worth living, it was as simple as that. Freaking out as she walked away from JJ and towards Jonas, which felt like the most backward thing in the world, Connie called Layla. She called her five times and there was no answer. A part of Connie felt oddly uncomfortable with that. The other felt frustrated that she couldn’t get hold of her friend when she needed to talk to her. Layla would understand; Layla could help her.

  But there wasn’t anyone she could talk to. Layla wasn’t available. JJ – unthinkable. Jonas – unthinkable. So Connie had no choice but to go home and tell Jonas she hadn’t managed to get the one job she had been hopeful she might secure. The only one that paid well and which would have been the light at the end of the tunnel. Connie felt cold all over. What the hell was she supposed to do? What use was she now? She couldn’t even get a job. Her children no longer needed her in the same way they had because they were older and more self-sufficient. Jonas hated her. JJ didn’t, but she could make him, in a heartbeat. A few words and JJ would be lost to her forever.

  What was the point of any of this? Connie started her journey back with heavy feet that were aiming automatically at a familiar place that no longer even felt like home.

  Jonas

  Jonas was starting to get suspicious of Connie’s absences. Where the hell was she going all the time? She said it was to find jobs, but who needed to be out of the house for the entire day, every day?

&nb
sp; No. There was something going on. And Jonas was going to find out what it was. The house was a mess, but he had no urge whatsoever to clean it. Jonas no longer cared if that made him look like a failure, because he felt like one anyway. Losing his job the way he had had been enough to make him feel like a total twat. Not being able to keep a house clean and tidy and put a meal on the table properly every night was the least of his worries and only proof that he was completely inadequate.

  Where on earth did he start looking? Jonas looked around the kitchen. Paperwork. Calendars. As good a place as any. He leafed through the calendar, not finding much joy apart from learning how often his wife and kids attended eye appointments, hair appointments and the dentist. He looked through all the drawers, but found them predictably banal… tea towels. Leaflets. Cutlery.

  He looked up as he heard the front door close, and went out into the hallway. Connie was putting her handbag on the hall table. She looked tired, but her clothes were fancy.

  ‘Where have you been?’ he asked tersely.

  ‘Out for lunch,’ Connie answered.

  ‘Who with?’

  ‘Layla.’ Connie walked past him listlessly, then turned around. ‘Shall I sort out something for dinner?’

  ‘If you want.’ Jonas hadn’t been shopping in a week. Connie wasn’t sure what they were going to have for dinner thanks to him. ‘Did you hear back from Janine?’

  There was a pause. ‘I didn’t get the job,’ Connie said. ‘You don’t have to tell me the consequences of that, because I already know. I’ve had some rejections through from some of the companies and I’ve had three interviews I didn’t want to tell you about. I didn’t get those jobs either. And actually, they were terrible hours and shitty pay. But I would have done them anyway.’ She turned and headed into the kitchen.

  Jonas felt furious again. He supposed he couldn’t say she wasn’t trying, but why didn’t anything work out these days? Why wouldn’t the right job turn up and just fucking well help them all out? His kids were asking for things from him – pocket money, clothes, stupid things to put in their hair. Jonas was running out of money. And Connie wasn’t earning any.

  Checking that Connie was safely in the kitchen, Jonas went back to her handbag. He took out her phone and unlocked it. He knew her password as it was the passcode for her bank account and the one they always used in hotel safes. When he had opened it, he found text messages from JJ. Nothing rude or salacious, but messages – and plenty of them. Checking in. Checking how Connie was.

  Jonas felt angry again. Had Connie told JJ what had happened? Was that why JJ was avoiding him and not answering any of his calls? Christ. And it was JJ Connie had had lunch with today, judging by the texts. Not Layla. She had lied to him. Jonas didn’t think they were having an affair, but he didn’t feel great about them meeting up for lunch and coffees he didn’t know about.

  Jonas had always felt inadequate next to JJ. Had always felt in his shadow. Not as dazzling from Connie’s point of view. Jonas sloped upstairs, still not sure what he was looking for. Sure, he had been the good guy, stepping in and picking up the pieces when JJ had dumped Connie and she had seemed to be distraught and heartbroken. He had made her whole again and he had loved her and protected her and kept her safe.

  Until now. Jonas was consumed with shame. Brimming over with it so overwhelmingly, he could hardly breathe. He was a terrible person now. He wasn’t keeping her safe and protected. He was forcing her to go out to work and he was hurting her. He was doing the very opposite of keeping her safe. He was tearing her into little pieces and he was treating her like dirt.

  Jonas sat on the bed they shared. They hadn’t been intimate in a long time, he and Connie. Jonas had allowed life to take over and he had lost sight of how important his relationship had been. He glanced at her side of the bed. There wasn’t much on it apart from a few books she was dipping into and a bag of creams she used for her face. Her bedside drawers yielded nothing much more than some trinkets the girls had made her when they were little and some of their milk teeth in a small, ornate box.

  Jonas looked under the bed. Nothing. He checked in Connie’s side of the wardrobe and rooted around in her piles of clothes and the shoes that were neatly stacked at the bottom. Nothing. He went into the bathroom cabinet and searched that. Again, he found nothing of any note… some medication that needed to be binned and all the usual bits and pieces women kept in bathrooms.

  Jonas sighed. Where else was there to look? Her dressing table. He walked over to it and opened the drawers. Again, he didn’t have any joy. There were some boxes underneath and he had a quick flick through them. He found a few old diaries and flipped through them, hardly looking at the contents. Until a letter fell out. A letter addressed to ‘J’ in Connie’s handwriting. Was it for him?

  Jonas turned it over, his heart crashing in his chest. This was it. Whatever it was, this was what he had been looking for. And he was fairly surprised he had found anything. Although his gut had told him to go looking for something, Jonas wasn’t prone to psychic moments or even gut feelings.

  The envelope was sealed. Jonas smoothed it out. An intelligent guess would suggest that there was a letter inside, a letter which had never been sent. And it was either addressed to him… or someone else. Jonas held the letter for a moment. He sensed that this was a Pandora’s box moment… that he could slip the letter back into the diary and walk away – or he could open it and read the contents. And Jonas was aware of an odd sense of occasion; that this was a moment that would shift and change life forever.

  Taking a deep breath, Jonas opened the envelope. It contained a small sheet of lilac paper, folded twice. It was a letter. He read it. It said:

  I’m writing to tell you some news that I think you have a right to know about. I know we’re not together anymore, but I think I should tell you about this. Because it’s something a man should always know, so he can make his own choices. I don’t know for sure because of how quickly I moved into my new relationship, but I am fairly certain that Bella is yours. I didn’t know – I promise you – I genuinely didn’t know who her father was. Until she was born – and then I knew. I looked at her eyes and I knew I could see you in them. By then it was too late – you were long gone, but I have grappled with this decision because I think you should know. Part of me thinks I should just leave well alone… that it’s best if you never know or even suspect the truth. I think you might still be in my life for years to come as we are all friends and that could be awkward. Maybe I am best to keep this secret to myself and never speak up about it.

  By the time I finish this letter, I will know what I am going to do and I will try to do the best for everyone. But I think this may well tip Jonas over the edge, as he has been so good to me and doesn’t deserve this. And I thought the baby was his. As horrible as it is to say (not that I think you will care as you have clearly moved on, with many, many others), but there was every chance Bella was Jonas’s daughter. And maybe it would be better for her if she was.

  I don’t know what to do, JJ. I think perhaps it’s better that you don’t know. That no one knows and ever figures this out. Because otherwise, how on earth will we all remain friends? How will you and Jonas hang out together if you both know the truth? Would Jonas leave me? Would you feel compelled to step up, even though you no longer love me? I want to do what is best for Bella and I think maybe it would be best for her if she believes Jonas to be her father. If I forget about you and just make a good life with Jonas. It will be hard, as part of me still loves you. The part that isn’t filled with hatred, anyway.

  I’ve decided, now. I’ll keep this secret and I will take it to the grave. There is no need to make anyone’s life implode because of this… because of me. So forgive me, JJ, for keeping this to myself. For not telling you that you are a father. As a mum, please know that I am trying to do the right thing.

  Connie X

  Jonas tried to regulate his breathing. He was hyperventilating. He thought he might throw
up. Bella wasn’t his. His beautiful, willowy, intelligent, funny daughter… belonged to someone else. To JJ, of all people. The one man Jonas had always been intimidated by, because of his previous relationship with Connie. Because he had always suspected that Connie still loved JJ, that she was only with him because he had stepped up and saved her when she was at her lowest. And it seemed that Jonas had been right about that.

  Are you Bella’s father?

  That was what Layla’s mother Evelyn had said. Are you Bella’s father? But are you? That was what Jonas had been struggling to remember. That was the thing that had grated when it was said, that he had been trying so hard to grab hold of but it kept eluding him. Evelyn had guessed that Jonas wasn’t Bella’s father. He had no idea how, but the old lady had been spot on.

  Jonas remembered the text messages on Connie’s phone downstairs. Were they having an affair? Is that where Connie had been going all the time, to meet JJ? Had she even been looking for a job? Jonas felt a flash of hatred for her, the hatred Connie spoke of in her letter to JJ. How could she have kept this from him – from JJ? Even JJ deserved to know this news… the news that he was a father. How could Connie have done this to both of them?

  Jonas felt rather than saw Connie behind him in the doorway.

  ‘Oh my God.’ There was fear in her voice.

  ‘Yes.’ Jonas couldn’t bear the sight of her.

  Connie trembled. ‘That letter. I should have destroyed it years ago. I’m so sorry, Jonas. So terribly sorry. I honestly had no idea I was pregnant when we first got together. I promise I’m telling the truth.’

  ‘Yes. Perhaps you should have destroyed it. And I don’t care for your apologies, quite frankly. You might not have known immediately, but you guessed it later and you kept it from me. And from him.’ Jonas folded the letter carefully and put it back into the envelope.