by Ella Harper
* * *
Layla sat on the stairs. She felt like stone. As though she couldn’t move. She felt trapped – not just on the stairs, but in her life. In the background, Layla could hear her mum calling, but the noise sounded muffled, as though Layla was under water. Drowning. Was she really contemplating the terrible thought that had come into her head? The way out for her mum. For herself. Layla felt sick, but she thought she might be able to do this. It truly felt like the best way forward and the best way out. It just came down to whether or not she was brave enough. And scarily, Layla thought she might be.
* * *
JJ was drinking. He had been drinking for the past – he checked his watch – six hours. Almost an entire bottle of scotch. He was sitting with his back to the front door again and he had no real idea why. To keep his dad out, perhaps? He felt pretty shit still – the booze had only just started to numb the pain and revulsion he was feeling. But it wasn’t enough. JJ could still feel the horror and shock of his dad turning up the way he had. The disgusting memories his presence had brought back were making JJ feel sick to his stomach. His phone was beeping, but JJ wasn’t about to check it anytime soon. Why on earth would he want to read more twisted messages from his dad? JJ drank some more. But he knew he needed more. He couldn’t cope with what was happening to him; he couldn’t go through it again. JJ wanted out. It was as simple as that. He wanted out. And he wanted out right now.
Dear friends,
I’ve thought long and hard about this and I just want you to know that there is nothing any of you could have done differently. I’m a big mess, but it’s not anyone’s fault. I can’t change what’s happened and the future looks too bleak for words.
I’m really sorry for what I’m about to do, but I just don’t want to be here anymore.
Thanks for everything and TTFN, as we always used to say at uni.
The Saviour
Jonas banged on the door. There was no answer. He banged harder. Still no answer. He let out an expletive. Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong. And even though Jonas had enough shit to worry about and he shouldn’t even care, for some reason he did. This friendship went back way too far for him to just walk away and not care. A weird gut instinct had got him here in the first place, so there was no point in walking away now.
Jonas had a thought. Sometimes people gave a key to their neighbour. Right? He wouldn’t dream of it, but Connie might do that kind of thing. And so might JJ. Jonas hurried next door and knocked. There was no answer. Impatiently, Jonas knocked again, more firmly. He was about to try another door when a man in his thirties answered.
‘Yes?’
‘Hi.’ Jonas suddenly felt foolish. ‘Er… I’m a bit worried about my friend and I wondered if you might have a key.’ He pointed at the relevant door.
‘No, sorry, mate. I don’t.’ The guy gestured to another door. ‘I think Mimi has a key for that one, though.’
Mimi. OK. Jonas knocked on another door. A pretty, young girl emerged.
‘Hey.’ She smiled politely.
‘Hey.’ Jonas tried again. ‘Listen, I’m really worried about my friend. I know I must sound crazy, but I have this really bad feeling.’ He gestured to the door with a sense of urgency. ‘Do you have a key at all?’
‘I do, actually!’ Mimi turned to the table behind her and opened a drawer. ‘Here you go. Is everything all right?’
‘Not sure. Thanks.’
Jonas ran to the door and unlocked it. He opened it and found it bolted on the other side. With a chain. Jesus. This was getting ridiculous. How the hell was he supposed to get in? Jonas contemplated the door. Was he up to using his shoulder? He probably didn’t have any choice. Desperate times.
Jonas rammed the door with his shoulder. It moved a bit, but not enough.
‘Fuck!’ Jonas shouted. ‘Fucking fuck!’
Mimi emerged again, looking startled. ‘God. You must be really worried.’ She called over her shoulder. ‘Ryan! Give this guy a hand. He can’t get in.’
A huge man emerged from behind Mimi. He was built like a brick shithouse and looked as though he could knock ten doors down without even batting an eyelid.
Jonas had never felt so relieved in his life.
‘Stand aside, mate,’ said Ryan, bracing himself as he turned sideways. ‘Do you definitely want me to do this?’
‘Definitely,’ Jonas said, standing aside.
With two crunches of his huge, muscly shoulder, Ryan smashed the door open.
‘Thanks.’
Jonas quickly stepped inside and then he gasped. So his gut had been spot on. He wasn’t mental. He hadn’t had a terrible sense of foreboding for nothing. But somehow the reality was far worse than he had imagined. Seeing what he had feared in real life was pretty horrendous. Because JJ was lying on his back on the floor. There was an empty bottle of scotch next to him and an empty brown bottle which looked like it might have contained God only knew what pills.
‘Bloody hell,’ said Ryan.
An overdose. Jonas was shocked. Even though he’d had an inkling that something was wrong, he was deeply shocked by the sight of JJ – a strong, healthy, vital man – stretched out on the floor looking helpless and broken. What could possibly have driven him to this? What had driven him to feel so desperate and alone that he couldn’t see any way out of his situation… whatever that might be?
Jonas bent down. JJ’s face was pale and rigid-looking. He actually looked as though he might be… dead. God. Jonas fought down a wave of nausea. JJ was dead. He wasn’t moving, he didn’t even look as though he was breathing.
‘Call an ambulance,’ he told Ryan quickly.
‘Right,’ Ryan said, staring, open-mouthed.
‘Call!’ Jonas shouted.
Ryan roused himself. ‘Call 999, Mimi,’ he called. ‘This dude has tried to top himself.’
‘JJ.’ Jonas slapped JJ’s cheek. ‘Wake up. Fucking hell!’ He put his head on JJ’s chest. He was still breathing. Just. He was alive. Jonas went into efficient, life-saving mode. When he looked back on that moment, he had no idea where it had even come from, but he did the mouth-to-mouth and the chest massage and he repeated it over and over. Jonas was shit-scared JJ might choke on his own vomit, but he kept going because he didn’t know what else to do.
After what seemed like an eternity, the ambulance arrived. They smoothly took over and Jonas stepped back, out of breath with his efforts.
‘Is he going to be OK?’ he asked breathlessly. In spite of everything else going on, Jonas suddenly felt choked up. ‘He’s… he’s a very old friend.’
The paramedic shot him a kindly smile. ‘Not sure yet. We’ll have to get him to the hospital and take it from there. But well done. You did a great job… he’s lucky to have such a good friend.’
A few more words were exchanged, but Jonas had no idea what was being discussed. He felt numb as he watched them leave and then he got to his feet. Christ, he was knackered. How did doctors… paramedics, do that all day long? Jonas thanked Ryan and Mimi and took out his phone. He had to phone Connie. And Layla. And then they all needed to get to the hospital. They could deal with everything else later.
Jonas stood motionless for a second. How the hell could this have happened? What could possibly have been so terrible, so unbearable, that suicide was the only answer? And how on earth could none of them have known what was going on behind closed doors? They were all friends, for goodness’ sake! They should have been looking out for one another; they all should have known. They should have been able to stop this from happening.
But they hadn’t. JJ had been spiralling into despair and they had all been too blind to see it. And now he was probably gone. What kind of friends were they to have let this dreadful thing happen? Hadn’t they always said they would look out for one another – look after one another?
Jonas rushed out to follow the ambulance, overwhelmed with guilt. And hopelessness. Because JJ had fallen, and despite all of their mutual promise
s, despite everything they had been through, no one had been there to catch him. And that was unforgiveable.
Six Months Later
Layla couldn’t help smiling. At what the last six months had brought her. At how much she had changed because of everything that had happened.
Her mum was in a care home and it was being partially funded. She had been assessed as a severe case and Layla had been able to put all of her mum’s money towards her care, with the rest of it being funded by the local authority. Layla visited every other day and half the time her mum didn’t recognise her. Other times, she was delighted to see her and Layla spent happy hours chatting away, making the most of the lucid moment.
She had spent the last three months building up her business and she had managed to get some of her old clients back, as well as attracting a few new ones. It had been a slow process, but she was getting there. And to think that she had been contemplating ending it all a few months back…
Layla sipped her wine. Thank God Connie had turned up when she did. Just like Jonas, Connie had had a weird feeling about Layla that evening six months ago and she had turned up with wine, crying her eyes out about Jonas finding out about Bella. Layla was stunned she hadn’t spotted it herself and realised what her mum had been going on about that day when Jonas had come over. Evelyn was shrewder than Layla had realised!
Layla checked her watch. She couldn’t help feeling nervous, but she trusted him. He would turn up. They had chatted on the phone every day for the past month and at last, they were able to meet up.
She saw him and felt herself light up inside.
‘Hey.’ Alfie took a seat next to her. ‘You got me a beer. Thank you.’
‘Least I could do.’ Layla chinked her glass to his bottle. ‘I have some making up to do.’ Wow. He looked just as hot and lovely as she remembered.
Alfie laughed. ‘Don’t be daft. I did think you were a heartless strumpet when I saw you go off with that bloke in the bar all those months ago, but hey, these things happen.’ His eyes twinkled at her.
Layla smiled and felt her stomach flip over. God. Could this really be a thing? She had told Alfie all about her mum and he had been nothing but supportive. Had even said he would come to visit her if that was OK. Layla felt happy for the first time in years and quite honestly, she was prepared to just see how things went with Alfie. Maybe it wasn’t going anywhere. Maybe it was just a bit of fun. Maybe it was something more. What would be would be. Layla was just thrilled to be out on a date with him and secure in the knowledge that her mum, whom she loved very, very much, was being safely looked after.
She had learnt so much about herself in the past few months, being a therapist and a self-aware person to begin with (at least, Layla had truly thought she was self-aware). What JJ had done had made Layla realise how important friendships were. How much they all needed to look after one another. And for Layla, one of the most significant things had been owning how powerless she had felt in terms of preventing herself from breaking down completely, the way that JJ had. She might be a therapist, but she was also human. And even though Layla had recognised the signs, she had felt incapable of addressing what was falling apart and how desolate she felt.
It had changed her whole approach with her clients as well. Where she had been intolerant before because she had felt that anyone should be able to change their circumstances and their mental state if they felt strongly enough about it, Layla now realised that at times, a person could feel completely immobilised and unable to address their issues – however much they might want to. She still wanted to help her clients move forward and let go of their issues, but she now took a different, more nurturing approach with them.
‘I’m really glad we’re doing this,’ she told Alfie suddenly.
‘You are?’ Alfie took her hand. ‘I’ve been thinking about you the whole time I was working away. I’m really sorry I didn’t come back on your texts. I wasn’t sure if you were a player or not.’
Layla laughed out loud at that. Her? A player? Imagine. ‘Hardly,’ she told him.
Alfie squeezed her hand. ‘I know that now.’ He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. ‘You’re funny. I like that. And when I say that, I mean funny-weird, by the way. Not funny-hilarious.’
Layla squeezed his hand back and pretended to look shocked. Which was hard when she felt so incredibly happy inside. Her mum was safe and being well-looked after and work was back on track. And Alfie was here with her and he wanted them to be together. He was fine about her mum; he hadn’t run away.
Layla couldn’t believe she had contemplated ending her life. Because now, it was actually just starting.
* * *
Jonas let himself in. It felt weird to be here still, especially with everything else that was going on, but he felt at peace with it all.
‘Hi.’ Connie gave him a brief smile. ‘How was your day?’
‘Not great,’ Jonas said, trying not to sound too depressed. ‘But I’m sure it will be OK.’
The truth of it was that Jonas wasn’t sure if it was going to be all right at all. He couldn’t get a job for love or money. Obviously he couldn’t practise law again as he’d lost his certificate and couldn’t get it back now. He was trying to get other work, but it hadn’t gone well so far. No one wanted to employ him, not even in the lowliest of jobs. Jonas wasn’t sure if it was just because he’d been fired or if he was putting out the wrong vibe or what. All he knew was that he was getting turned away constantly. And he was living off savings and shares at the moment. And Connie’s salary.
Jonas felt a flush of shame. At so many things. How could he have been so savage towards Connie about the whole work thing? She had a job at the magazine now as well; Janine had come up trumps in the end and it was a good job, with a fairly impressive salary. So everything had slotted into place.
Well, not for him, of course, thought Jonas regretfully. Not in any way, shape or form. But whose fault was that?
Connie gestured to the kitchen. ‘I made a lasagne.’
‘Great. Thanks.’ He took off his jacket. ‘Where are the girls?’
‘Upstairs, but they’re coming down to eat with you.’ Connie called upstairs. ‘Girls! Dad’s home.’
‘Bella hates lasagne,’ Jonas commented, remembering.
‘She’s having a salad,’ Connie said with a smile.
Bella and Hannah came clattering down the stairs.
‘Alright, Dad.’ Hannah kissed his cheek.
‘Dad.’ Bella nodded in his direction.
Jonas was grateful for the nod. It wasn’t much, but it was all that could be expected in the circumstances. He knew Bella hadn’t forgiven him for that awful moment in Tuscany – how could she? It was a horrific thing she had witnessed and Jonas couldn’t do much to reverse that. And he didn’t expect her to accept that he was flawed and hadn’t been himself for a while. That he had felt emasculated and full of rage. According to the excellent therapist Layla had recommended, at any rate. All Jonas could hope for was a non-aggressive nod.
‘Are you off out?’ Jonas turned to Connie.
‘Yes. Are you OK with that?’
Jonas felt his heart crack even more. ‘I’ll have to be, won’t I?’
Connie looked troubled.
‘Don’t be silly. I’m having dinner with my daughters.’ Jonas smiled, even though he was hurting badly inside. He had never felt pain like this, but he knew he had no one but himself to blame. ‘Go.’
Connie inclined her head. ‘OK. A couple are coming to see the house, but not for an hour or so. I’ve tidied up, but the spare room is a bit…’
Jonas waved a hand. ‘Horribly messy. I know. Sorry about that. I’ll sort it after dinner.’
Connie nodded. Turned to the girls. ‘See you later, girls. I won’t be too late.’
‘Say hi from me,’ Bella said with a special smile.
‘Will do,’ Connie said as she grabbed her coat and her handbag.
Jonas watched her leave a
nd felt gutted. This felt horrible. And it was ridiculous because essentially, he had so much to feel grateful for. He might not have a job, but he had a roof over his head – for now. And he was still around his girls and Connie – for now.
Did his future look bleak, however? A little. A lot, if Jonas was really honest about it. He had lost so much in the process of finding himself. His job and his reputation, of course. His chance at a getting a good job again, by the looks of things. He had lost Bella – in more ways than one, and that was excruciating enough – but the most poignant thing for Jonas was that he had lost Connie. He had lost her years ago, when he really thought about it, but still. It hurt losing her now. The way he had lost her hurt and the current reality hurt. He would never, ever find the kind of love he had with Connie again. And Jonas knew that if he said that to his therapist, she would talk him out of it and say that there was a whole world of women out there he could be with and that he would assuredly find love again. And maybe he would. But Jonas had lost his best friend and the love of his life and he didn’t think love like that came along that many times in a person’s life. His heart would be in agony for a very long time because of what had happened.
Jonas walked into the kitchen and put the kettle on. He was acutely aware that he was responsible for saving the one person Connie desperately wanted and needed in her life, but maybe there was a bittersweet symmetry to that that Jonas could appreciate. One day. Right now, he didn’t – he wasn’t that evolved just yet – but maybe in the future. And when he looked at it, Jonas supposed that love – in its various forms – had prevailed. And who could argue with that?
And what had he learnt about himself? How had he evolved as a person? Jonas wasn’t sure he had all the answers yet. He just knew that he had changed. He had been lost and he might not quite be ‘found’ again yet, but he was going to try very hard with that. He felt more in control of himself and he didn’t hate himself as much as he had before.