Pressing her lips together, Jenna listened for the sound of teeth brushing to make sure Tommy was doing what he was supposed to, then turned her focus back to packing. The clack of boot heels preceded Rachel’s figure looming over her. She took hold of Jenna’s arms near her armpits and hauled her to standing. “Whoa, there. Look at me, Jenna. Are you okay?”
It was the first time she’d stopped moving long enough that she could think past the whir of bright panic inside her. Fresh tears crowded her eyes as she released the air in her lungs with a series of dry, quiet laughs and sagged into Rachel’s hands. Holy fuck, what had she gotten herself into? And what in the hell was she going to do to fix things now?
“No. Not at all.”
“Tell me how running is going to solve anything.”
“It’s not, long term, anyway. But I can’t deal with this tonight by myself.”
Rachel drew herself up tall, her eyes glinting with big sister protectiveness. “You’re not by yourself. You have me. I’ll stay with you all night, okay? If Carson comes, we’ll deal with him together.”
So she’d put it all together about Carson, as Jenna expected everyone at the café had. Sure, Rachel had vowed to stand by Jenna’s side, but would she still once she’d learned the truth about how Jenna had deceived her? Matt had called Jenna a pathological liar. Boy, was he right.
Even worse than the painful truth in his assessment was the dawning realization that the security she’d felt by keeping her secrets locked tight inside her had been an illusion. All she’d succeeded in doing was systematically alienating the people who meant the most to her. She might as well bite the bullet and alienate Rachel tonight, too, as seemed inevitable.
“We need to talk.”
Rachel nodded. “Let’s get Tommy to bed first.”
Working together, they got Tommy in bed. He got sad again when he remembered how he’d wanted Matt to sing to him. Jenna tried, but her mind drew a blank on the words and melody of “The Cowboy Lullaby,” despite that she’d heard him signing it to Tommy on Wednesday night. Rachel saved bedtime by whistling one of the songs she often whistled to Tommy when they ran the tractor together, which pacified him enough that he yawned and seemed to accept that it was time to close his eyes and go to sleep.
They crept out of his room and shut his door, then tiptoed to the kitchen.
Jenna cracked the top of a soda, while Rachel found the bottle of whiskey she kept in the pantry. They settled with their drinks at the small, round yellow-topped Formica table Rachel had found at a yard sale a few years back. Jenna wouldn’t call herself calm, exactly, but with Rachel there with her, her panic had dimmed considerably.
Rachel rolled a sip of whiskey around her teeth before swallowing it. “Carson is Tommy’s daddy, isn’t he?”
Jenna decided right then and there that she wasn’t going to tell a single lie anymore, especially not to her sister. If people took issue with the choices she’d made, then they could go to hell. “Yes.”
Rachel nodded. “You’re going to need to give me an iron-tight reason for why you kept this from him. Any man deserves to know he’s a father.”
“Not the first time you’ve lectured me about that, okay?” During Jenna’s pregnancy and Tommy’s first year of life, Jenna and Rachel had gone round and round about Jenna’s refusal to name the father. But Jenna had known from the get-go that the safest course of action was to not share her secret with a single soul. Telling the truth took the power out of her hands and that was unacceptable where Tommy’s safety was concerned.
“Fair enough, but all this time, I hoped Tommy was conceived in a one-night stand with some rodeo cowboy whose last name and phone number you didn’t catch—or an older, married man. Someone who you had a real, honest-to-God reason to keep in the dark about him being Tommy’s father. Not another kid like you.
“I mean, goddamn, Carson’s in the military. You and Tommy could’ve been taken care of. We’re talking medical benefits and child support. And Tommy could’ve known his daddy. He would’ve had grandparents in town to help you, so you explain to me how what you did isn’t as cruel as it seems.”
Jenna regretted a lot of things in her life, but her conscience was clear when it came to keeping Carson’s parents away from Tommy or not using Carson for the benefits and money he would’ve provided. “I’ll explain everything as soon as you stop throwing stones at me.”
Rachel took another sip of whiskey. “All right. Go ahead.”
Jenna stretched her chin up toward the ceiling, collecting her thoughts. Then she met Rachel’s skeptical expression and started in on the whole, sordid truth. “Carson and I were best friends, but we weren’t lovers. Then one night, a couple weeks before high school graduation, we slept together. Like, an experiment.”
“An experiment? What do you mean by that?”
She swallowed. To tell or not to tell . . .
Screw it. Carson had already paraded through downtown Catcher Creek with his shirt off. “We had sex because he thought he might be gay and he was scared and confused about it. We were so high that night, so damn out of our minds and stupid and young, we decided that sleeping together might help him decide.”
“And you didn’t use a condom because . . .” Leave it to Rachel to zero in on the terrible choice rather than Carson’s sexual identity.
Jenna set her soda can on the table a little too hard. “Because, I don’t know. Take your pick of any ignorant teenage excuse that helps you make your peace with what happened—we didn’t have a condom, I figured a gay guy couldn’t get me pregnant, and he pulled out at the end, so that’s like using birth control.”
“That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Yep.”
“So, then, how long was it after that before you found out you were pregnant? If that happened two weeks before graduation, and you told me, what, a month after graduation, then six weeks passed before you figured it out?”
“Thereabouts.”
Rachel drained the last of the finger of whiskey she’d poured. She seemed to be getting agitated all over again, but there was nothing Jenna could do now about stupid choices she’d made six years earlier.
“You did some nasty shit to your body in those six weeks,” Rachel said. “I remember the night after graduation, you were passed out in Vaughn’s patrol car. It took both of us to get you into the house and you slept it off for nearly twenty-four hours straight. You better thank your lucky stars Tommy’s okay, medically and developmentally.”
“Do you think I haven’t thought about that or that I haven’t been saying prayers of thanks since the day he was born healthy and normal? I’m not perfect. Not even close and I never claimed to be. I’m having a real shitty week, Rachel, and you busting out with one of your patented lectures isn’t helping any. I’m telling you all this so you’ll understand why I made the choices I did.”
“I still don’t get why you didn’t tell Carson.”
“I was getting to that. That summer, before I found out I was pregnant, Carson was beat up. Badly. He almost died from the injuries.”
Rachel gave a cringe of disbelief. “I don’t remember that.”
“Nobody does because Carson’s parents covered it up. They didn’t go to the police. And they didn’t take Carson to the hospital. All they did was call one of his aunts who was a nurse to come to their house and patch him up.”
“That’s crazy. Why wouldn’t they?”
“Because it was a hate crime, Rach. Bucky Schultz, Kyle Kopec, and Lance Davies beat him up because they found out he was gay. Carson’s parents knew that and they didn’t want the town finding out the truth about their son. Are those the kind of grandparents you’d want in Tommy’s life?”
She could see the wheels turning in Rachel’s head. Rachel wasn’t naïve in any sense of the word, but she took people at face value and probably couldn’t comprehend the type of evil that fueled that kind of hateful violence or Carson’s parents’ reaction. “If what
you say is true, then Lou and Patricia Parrish are as guilty of a crime as the men who beat up Carson. But I know you and I know Carson being gay isn’t the reason you didn’t tell him he was a father.”
Mark the date and time. Someone was assuming the best of her instead of the worst. Would miracles never cease? “Of course his sexuality wouldn’t have mattered to me. The problem was, I only found out what happened to Carson because he confronted me.”
Holding tightly to her soda can, she did her best to explain to Rachel about the fury and accusations Carson had lobbed on her that day. How he’d blamed her for what happened, then threatened her. How he’d refused to name the boys who’d hurt him. And how he’d vowed to return to Catcher Creek someday, bigger and stronger, to wreak vengeance on those who’d wronged him.
“And then he left. He left town that night and I never heard from him again,” Jenna continued. Rachel listened with rapt attention, her second finger of whiskey ignored. “There I was, alone with the knowledge that there were people in this town who hated Carson because of his sexuality so much that they’d tried to beat him to death. I’ve seen guilt on the faces of every man and boy in this town since that day, and a couple weeks later, when I found out I was pregnant with Carson’s baby, I didn’t know what to do.
“If I’d have wanted to tell Carson, it would’ve had to have been through his family, and I’ve never stopped hating them for what they did to him. Worse than that, if word got around town that Carson had a son, who’s to say those same men who hurt him wouldn’t have lashed out at Tommy and me, or even our farm?”
Somewhere along the retelling of the story, Rachel’s expression had changed to one of outrage at what had been allowed to happen to Carson coupled with acceptance of how Jenna had handled things. “You couldn’t take that chance.”
“Exactly.”
“I wish you would’ve told me all this back then,” Rachel said. “I hate thinking you were carrying that burden alone.”
Reaching across the table, Jenna squeezed Rachel’s arm and offered a melancholy smile. “You carried plenty of burdens alone over the years, so you know as well as I do all the reasons we tell ourselves why we can’t share our heavy loads with the people we love.”
Rachel covered Jenna’s hand with hers. “That’s the truth, but I wish it could’ve been different.”
“What’s done is done. I knew someday Carson would be back. Especially after word reached us that he’d joined the Marines, getting bigger and stronger, just as he’d threatened to. I was hoping Tommy and I would be long gone by the time he returned.”
“Long gone?”
Time for more secret sharing. Jenna withdrew her hand from Rachel’s grasp and wiggled the tab of her soda can. “It’s always been my plan to leave as soon as I had the skills and job to sustain Tommy and myself.”
“Where would you go? Santa Fe, with Matt?”
Tears sprang to her eyes at the mention of his name. “Not with Matt. Not now. And anyhow, you taught me not to rely on others, especially men, for my salvation—only myself. I will be going to Santa Fe, but on my terms, standing on my own two feet.”
“What will you do there?”
Jenna popped the soda tab off and pressed the sharp edge against the pad of her finger. This was it. The other moment beside Carson’s return that she’d been dreading for years. “There’s something else I haven’t told you. Something big.”
Rachel threw up her arms and stood. “Goddamn, Jenna. You always were the one to give me gray hair. You got any ice cream here? I need to indulge in some stress eating.”
“Only chocolate fudge Popsicles.”
“Good enough. You want one, too?”
“No, thanks.”
From the freezer, Rachel withdrew a fudge bar and returned to her seat. “Let me get a head start before you drop your other news on me.”
Jenna waited until she had the plastic wrapper off and a few good licks in before she started talking again. She’d mentally prepared for this moment over and over again, but now, under the weight of Carson’s return and Matt’s rejection, the urge to protect herself and Tommy eclipsed any delicacy with which she might have previously broached the topic. She was done with explaining herself. All she wanted was to pack Tommy up and get the hell out of Catcher Creek.
Good riddance.
“I’ve been going to college at the University of New Mexico to earn a degree in computer engineering.”
Rachel choked on her ice cream, spluttering chocolate-colored spit on the table. “You what?”
“College. Me. At UNM.”
Rachel set the fudge bar on the Formica, then gripped the edge of the table with both hands. “How long has that been going on?” Each word was measured precisely and said in a tone of great strain.
“Four years. I graduate next month.”
Jenna wasn’t sure she’d ever heard Rachel spew that many curse words in a row. She leapt from her seat and gaped at Jenna with crazy eyes. “What the hell, Jenna? Are you serious?”
“Yes. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I just . . . I don’t know why I didn’t. Not really.” She could make all kinds of excuses like how she hadn’t wanted to add to Rachel’s financial or emotional burden or that she’d had low self-esteem and if she failed, she didn’t want anyone to know, but those were only superficial reasons—and Jenna was done lying. Even lies of omission. “I liked it being a secret. It was something that was for me alone. Besides that, going to college was so wrapped up in the reasons I wanted to leave Catcher Creek, with Carson being Tommy’s father, that I couldn’t separate them in my mind.”
“College?” She sunk back into her chair, her head in her hands. “I’ve always been your biggest fan. I wish you would’ve let me be proud of you about that.”
Jenna puffed her cheeks full of air and released it in a steady stream. “I’m sorry. I started with UNM’s correspondence program when I was twenty, when Tommy was a baby. I did it on a whim, thinking it would give me something to keep my mind sharp while Tommy slept. I knew even then that as soon as I could get a good job somewhere else, Tommy and I could get out of this town.
“I didn’t tell you at first because, like I said, it was comforting to have a secret that was all for me. And then, after a while . . .” She shook her head. How could she explain? “You know how Jake didn’t tell Kellan about his partner’s stroke? He didn’t want to worry Kellan or ruin his day. He kept the truth a secret for all the right reasons. That’s the way it was for me with you about college, but it snowballed.
“The longer I went without telling you about me going to college, the more pissed and hurt I knew you’d be at me when you found out. It was never the right time. Mom’s mental instabilities got worse and, more and more, Dad wasn’t around. You had your hands full with the ranch. I couldn’t find it in myself to hurt you more. Then Dad died and Mom turned suicidal and, God, Rachel, I just couldn’t. I love you so much. But now, I’m about to graduate and I have a job lined up in Santa Fe with the state as a computer software programmer. It starts September first.”
Rachel looked utterly flabbergasted. She poured herself another whiskey. “You’re moving? What about Tommy’s schooling? He’s supposed to start kindergarten. What are you going to do about that?”
“I’ve already enrolled him in a school in Santa Fe.”
Rachel rotated her jaw, her whole being radiating the exact same kind of hurt that Jenna had feared facing every time she’d thought about telling Rachel the truth. “Well, I’ll be damned. I guess you’ve got it all figured out. I’m going to need some time to let that sink in.”
There was one more thing, though, and Jenna was determined to get it all out in the open now. “I put a deposit down on an apartment already, and Tommy and I are going to be moving this week. I can’t risk staying in Catcher Creek any longer now that Carson’s back and the whole town knows the truth—or at least they will soon enough. Word spreads like a wildfire in this place.”
Rac
hel swabbed her forehead. “I can’t believe—”
A pounding knock sounded at the front door. Both Jenna and Rachel jumped out of their skin.
“Jenna!” It was Carson’s bellowing voice.
Rachel straightened, her eyes wide. “Is that Carson?” Jenna’s gut twisted. Oh, God. She’d known this was coming tonight as much as she’d known Matt was going to break up with her, but she wasn’t ready for this. She should be on the road to Santa Fe with Tommy, safely out of Carson’s reach, instead of sitting at her kitchen table waiting for his wrath to strike. “Yes. That’s him.”
“Sounds like he figured it out about Tommy. I guess that means he’s not as dumb as he looks.”
“Carson’s definitely not dumb.”
Rachel stood, grabbed the fudge bar, and dropped it in the trash can. Her shock and disappointment of a few moments earlier was gone, replaced by iron-clad strength. “How do you want to play this?”
What an outrageous question. She didn’t have any plays left. She and Rachel were two women alone in an old, run-down cottage with a sleeping child in the next room. If Carson wanted to, he could probably bust through the side of the weather-beaten, termite-riddled wall or break the door down, dead bolt be damned.
The door rattled with three more loud poundings. “Get out here and face me, Jenna. And you better not shoot at me this time.”
“Shoot him?” Rachel asked.
“Another long story.” Jenna pressed her palms on the table and stood, drawing a slow inhale as she rose. She couldn’t let go of the table, she was so off-balance with fear. “I don’t know what to do, Rachel. I’m so scared right now.”
Rachel strode around the table and pulled Jenna into a hug. “Everything’s going to be okay. You and me, we’ve been through harder times than this. We’re cowgirl tough, through and through, even if you don’t feel like it now.”
Everything’s going to be okay. Rachel’s same words of consolation and solidarity from when Jenna had told her she was pregnant. It was like Jenna couldn’t stop screwing things up and needing her big sister to save her. She rested her chin on Rachel’s shoulder.
How to Rope a Real Man Page 26