Packed and Ready to Go

by Jacki Kelly

  “Tracy, come on,” Ursula urged when I hesitated.

  I pulled my purse onto my shoulder and walked behind her. Ursula’s hand felt cool against mine. She held on like she thought I might flee in the opposite direction. I snatched my hand out of her grip. What if my employees saw me being led away from the building?

  The humidity hit me with a jolt as we crossed the parking lot. I squinted against the blinding sun. Ursula never slowed her pace.

  “Where are we going?” I climbed in the back seat of Carla’s bright red, two door sports car.

  Carla punched the accelerator and the car jerked forward out of the lot. She turned the air conditioning on high while maneuvering the steering wheel. Neither of them responded to my question. Carla veered north on Route 141, towards town.

  “Where are we going?” I asked again.

  “To his office,” Carla yelled over the seat. “We’re going to find your husband. We’ll start with his assistant.”

  Her idea sounded better than any I’d come up with. My brain was paralyzed, circling around the same thought. If he’s cheating what will I do?

  “Wait a minute, Carla,” I leaned forward. “I dialed his office number before I called you. He isn’t there, and even if he decided to show up now, I’m not so sure I want to confront him there. Whatever is going on, me yelling at him isn’t going to change anything. Besides, how do we know he hasn’t been kidnapped or in an accident?”

  Ursula threw me an incredulous smile over her shoulder, then faced Carla. “That’s not what we agreed to on the phone,” Ursula urged. “You and I don’t need to get in the middle. Tracy has got to handle this, it’s her marriage.”

  “Yes, that’s what I’m doing, I’m helping her. And I’ll punch the bastard if she wants me to.”

  “I want to punch him too, but what good is that going to do?” Ursula shot back.

  “No. No.” I rubbed my temples. “No. I’ve got to handle this. Ursula’s right, I shouldn’t involve you two.” I fell against the back seat. “God, my head is killing me.”

  We rode in silence for what seemed like hours. Every idea swarming in my head involved mayhem and murder. I needed to turn back.

  “I know you guys want to help, but not like this.” I laid my head against the headrest. “If I go in there and act like a fool, what would Crystal think? She adores her father. I can’t expose her to this right now with her wedding only a few weeks away. Gossip travels faster than lightning.”

  “Crystal will be fine. She’ll understand,” Carla yelled over the seat.

  “I can’t go to his office again.” I stared at a gray smudge on the ceiling of the car. “I don’t want his co-workers looking at me like I’m some pitiful puppy. I can’t…”

  “Well, what do you want to do, Tracy?” Ursula faced me. “We’ll do whatever you want.”

  I took a deep breath and expelled it slowly. Tears slipped down my cheeks unchecked. I needed to confront Walter, but I had to do it in my own way, my own time. “I want to curl up in my bed and pull the blanket over my head. I want to sleep like Rip Van Winkle until this is over.”

  “Honey, we’re not your fairy godmothers with magic wands. You’re not in kindergarten so it’s not nap-time. You can’t go running home to Mommy. What do you want to do instead?” Carla managed her get-with-the-program tone without taking her eyes off the road. She was going to make an excellent mother.

  “Thanks a lot, Carla, you’re so damn supportive.” I used the same sarcastic tone she had used. “I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. Pull into the nearest strip mall. Let’s…let’s just stop and get some coffee or something.”

  “Are you sure?” Carla asked. “Because coffee won’t make you feel better or resolve this bullshit.”

  “Yeah. Pull over.”

  Carla parked in the open space in front of a coffee shop. We sat in silence for a moment while I wiped my face. They both turned in their seat, focusing on me, but there wasn’t anything they could do.

  “Okay, get out,” I said when neither of them made the first move.

  The cool air of the coffee shop felt good. By the time we sat with our paper cups, I was breathing normally instead of like someone on the last mile of a marathon. I fished in my purse for the familiar plastic prescription bottle. I swallowed a pill with a big gulp of hot coffee.

  “What are you taking?” Ursula asked.

  “Huh? Oh, it’s just a vitamin.”

  Ursula reached across the table and stroked my hand. The compassion in her eyes almost started me crying again. I blinked the tears away. I should have called her first. She had been coming to my rescue for as long as I could remember. As an only child, I needed a lot of rescuing. I couldn’t stand the loneliness. My parents tried hard to keep me entertained, but they adored each other so much, I often felt like I was imposing on their time together.

  “What are you going to do?” Carla’s words were measured and even, as if the longer it took her to say them the more time she gave me to think.

  “I-I don’t know.” I was being evasive. But I didn’t have the answers. I didn’t want to examine the alternatives. Maybe I’d go home, collect my bags from the closet, empty out the bank accounts, and disappear in the night. That sounded like a fine idea, except for one thing. My daughter.

  “Do you think Walter is losing interest in me because I’ve gained weight?” It hurt me to ask, but I wanted the truth.

  Carla dropped her head and shook it from side to side. “Tracy, you’re not fat. And even if you got as big as a double-wide trailer, that wouldn’t give your husband license to treat you bad, or have an affair.”

  “Carla’s absolutely right. You’re not fat. Just because you’re not pencil thin anymore doesn’t mean you’re fat. You’ve got curves, nice curves. Don’t blame yourself for Walter’s shortcomings.”

  “Walter is an ass and he’s always been an ass. Sorry, honey, but you know I have to tell it to you straight,” Carla said.

  “Yeah, well…I packed my bags several months ago.”

  “You did what?” Ursula pulled her chair closer to the table.

  “Guys, I’ve been thinking about leaving Walter after the wedding. I didn’t want to upset Crystal before her big day. But I wasn’t expecting him to do this—”

  “I don’t believe it.” Carla crossed her arms. “Why didn’t you tell us before? Why are you so upset if you’re planning to leave him, anyway?”

  “He’s my husband, Carla. Ending our marriage is…is something I don’t want to do. My bags might be packed, but it’s painful. I’ve got a house, a daughter and our lives are so, so—”

  “Yeah, whatever.” Ursula waved her hand, dismissing my comment. “My momma, God rest her soul, used to say ‘if you make yourself a doormat, don’t cry when people walk on you.’ Take a day and enjoy your pity party, but sooner or later you’ve got to look Walter in the eye and demand some answers. If he’s not dead, then he has a lot of explaining to do. And when you’re ready to walk out the door, I’ll be there for you.”

  “I can remember when Walter used to call seven and eight times a day. And he didn’t want anything. He just wanted to talk—to hear my voice.”

  “First, find out why he didn’t come home last night. That’s the question to ask. If you don’t like the answer, there’s no need to fight. Wait until he goes to sleep, then cook up some hot grits and pour them on his dick. If you go Al Greene on his ass, I’ll bet he gets the message.” Ursula looked satisfied with her resolution.

  Carla lowered her voice and continued, “Tracy, let me tell you from experience, because I don’t want what happened to me to happen to you. Make sure your shit is in order. Before you do anything, make sure you’ve got plenty of money. Make sure you know where the accounts are and how much is in them. If you can get your hands on any of his account information, do that too. If things get funky between you two…” She sat back and exhaled. “It can be real nasty and that’s not the time to have to ask him about joint asset
s.”

  I nodded. She was trying to be helpful, but implying my marriage was to the point of distributing assets increased the pressure on my head.

  “You can’t make somebody love you,” Ursula said. “So why try?”

  “See there’s your problem, Ursula, sometimes you can.” Carla sipped her coffee. “You need to have a man who’s worth fighting for or you don’t have nothin’. Javier wasn’t sure he wanted to get married, but I told him he had to make a decision or he was going to stop dipping his stick in this honey.”

  Their lips moved at a rapid pace as they discussed relationships. I zoned, unsure if any of their theories applied to me. They were the sisters I never had, but their lives were very different from mine. Neither had a child who needed to be protected. I never wanted Crystal to feel less than significant because of something between Walter and me. I knew how much it hurt to feel like an interruption.

  Carla’s two-year marriage to Javier hadn’t experienced enough trouble to fill a thimble, and Ursula never stayed with anyone long enough to matter. Walter and I had a different relationship.

  “Carla, how’s Javier?” I took the focus off me. The level look Carla gave Ursula signaled she knew I was shifting the topic, but they allowed me this grace.

  Ursula jumped in. “Javier has sexed her up so much she’s like a crazy woman.”

  “You’re jealous.” Carla sipped her coffee.

  “That’s the same thing Walter said about me.”

  Carla gave me a quizzical look.

  “Forget it, we were arguing…” I didn’t finish.

  “I told you guys we want to have a baby, so when you get to my age, you have to try all the time. We practice a lot.”

  “At the rate you guys are going, you’ll be pregnant any minute now.” My voice was flat with unconcern. “With twins.”

  “I hope. I thought it would have happened by now, but girl…” Carla fumbled with her napkin without lifting her head. Sadness shadowed her eyes. “Hey guys, Javier and I are picking out baby names. How do you like Ava?”

  A voice in my head screamed to run out of the café, to get back on the interstate and run without looking back. I adored routine. There was harmony in consistency and now my life was upside down. The unknown hung over my head like a hatchet. Focusing on my friends as their lives marched along seemed impossible. It hurt more than it helped.

  “Suppose it’s a boy?” I heard Ursula ask.

  “We’re not sure about boys’ names yet. Maybe junior.”

  “Javier Valdez Jr. I don’t like it, it doesn’t flow,” Ursula said.

  Carla nudged Ursula. “You need to stop. There is nothing wrong with Javier’s name,” Carla said.

  “I’m joking.” Ursula stared at me and sipped her coffee.

  “If I don’t get pregnant soon, Javier and I are going to see a doctor.”

  “Be patient. As soon as you stop trying, you’ll get pregnant,” I reassured her.

  “We’re here to help Tracy,” Ursula said. “What can we do for you?”

  “I wish I knew.” They were so sure Walter was a heel, but I wanted to believe in him. Acknowledging the last twenty-two years were a mistake sliced at my heart. He had a few good qualities, even if I hadn’t seen them lately. Like the way he stroked my back after a stressful day, or his willingness to sit through romantic comedies even though he hated going to the movies. Maybe this morning I had simply panicked from the stress of planning Crystal’s wedding.

  “What about you? What’s happening between you and the mystery man?” Carla asked Ursula.

  “Yeah.” I put my elbows up on the table and supported my chin with my palms. “Are you ready to tell us about him yet? Are you ready to tell us his name—and why all the secrecy?”

  Ursula smiled. “Well…I don’t know. You asked me this yesterday. Are you going to ask me every time you see me?”

  “Yes. So you might as well tell it,” Carla chided. “You tell everything else.”

  Ursula glanced out the window before shifting her gaze between us. “It’s somebody I work with.” She fingered her napkin without looking up.

  “I don’t work with you two,” Carla said. “So you’re going to have to give me more clues.”

  I wondered whom Ursula could be seeing at work. But my thoughts shifted back to Walter. I wanted to call him again.

  Ursula hesitated for a long moment. “It’s Anthony Russell.” She looked at me.

  “Okay, who’s Anthony Russell?” Carla asked.

  I blinked at Ursula several times. Anthony Russell was her boss. The man had enough charisma to be president of the United States. He was charming and educated, but not Ursula’s type. He was shorter than the average guy, his belly hung over his belt—but only a little—and he was bald.

  “You’re kidding, right?” I sputtered and couldn’t close my mouth.

  “Who is Anthony Russell?” Carla smacked the table.

  “Ursula?” I touched her hand, forcing her to look up at me. I was too caught up in the implications of Ursula’s admission to stop and address Carla’s questions.

  “I’m serious.” Ursula tried to hide a blush, but her eyes went all dreamy before she looked down again.

  I measured my words. “Ursula, this could cost him his job. You know the company policy.”

  “Tracy, we’re not five years old. We’ve thought it through. For now we’re going slowly and keeping it a secret. That’s why I haven’t told either of you anything until now. And promise you won’t tell a soul.”

  “Oh no. Damn, girl. ” Carla gave Ursula an admiring stare. “You’re talking about your boss. Get out of here! I didn’t think you had that kind of nerve. I’m shocked. Is he any good in bed?”

  “Shut-up, Carla.”

  “Ooh wee, I can tell by the way you smirked you know the answer to my question.” Carla had the look of a dog satisfied that someone else was in the pen with her. “It’s good to know you aren’t always Miss Priss, you can get down and dirty too.”

  “Don’t worry, Tracy,” Ursula said. “You know me. I’m only in a relationship for a moment before I move on. Next week there may be nothing to talk about.” Her words weren’t convincing.

  I took a deep breath. My chest constricted. “Hey guys, can we go now?”

  “We can check hospitals and police stations if you want.” Carla pushed a napkin into her empty cup.

  I shook my head. “If it was that bad, the police would have found me by now. Let’s get out of here. The walls are closing in on me.”

  I convinced Carla to take me back to my car. She was adamant I should catch him cold in his office and question him. I couldn’t explain it to them, but I wanted him to have time to think about his response.

  To give me a plausible answer.

  One that I could believe.

  Back at the office building Ursula and I got out of the car, and watched Carla zoom off. My head raced, wanting to be somewhere without my body.

  “Are you going to be okay?” Ursula placed her hand on my arm to steady me.

  “Ursula, I don’t know how I’m doing. Right now I fee…I feel. I don’t know. Maybe hollow. Am I going to be okay?” I held out my hands. “One day I’m going to be fine, but it won’t be today.”

  She put her arms around me and allowed me to put my head on her shoulder. I looked up at the two-story office building but couldn’t drag myself back inside. My legs were heavy. I couldn’t concentrate on numbers or spreadsheets. Tears stung my eyes.

  She released me.

  “I’m going home and throwing something else into my suitcase.”

  “That a girl. Want me to drive you?”

  “No. Go back to work. If I need you, I’ll call you.”

  “Promise?”

  I nodded.

  Before walking away she gave me a long look. I sat in my car and watched Ursula enter the building. The car was hot. I turned it on, put the windows down, and let the air conditioning run for a moment. When the temperature in t
he car became bearable, I pulled my cell phone from my purse and dialed Walter’s office.

  His administrative assistant answered on the second ring.

  “Hi Beverly. Is Walter there?”

  “He’s in a meeting, Tracy. I don’t expect him back for some time, maybe later this afternoon. Can I give him a message?” I exhaled a deep breath.

  He was fine.

  He was at work.

  He wasn’t dead.

  I heard her other line ringing as she shuffled papers.

  Some part of me expected her to say she hadn’t seen him today. But he was in the office. I almost began to probe about his calendar, but decided not to involve her.

  “Just let him know I called.” Before hanging up I said, “Hey Beverly, ask him to call me right away. Tell him to call me at home.”

  “Sure will, Tracy.” She hung up.

  I pulled out of the parking lot. The thought of waiting for him to come home was more depressing than the conversation we needed to have.

  The rhythm of the tires on the road beat out a repetitive tune that lulled me into a trance. My heart thumped along with the sound. My eyelids grew heavy. I blinked several times to keep them open.

  The car drifted into the right lane, almost side-swiping a large SUV. The driver made an angry gesture at me before pulling onto the shoulder to pass. I panicked and swerved back into my lane. My hands shook and my palms grew sweaty on the slick steering wheel.

  The phone was ringing when I walked in the door. My hands were still shaking. I recognized Walter’s number and picked it up.

  “Are you coming straight home tonight?” I asked.

  “Tray, you’ve been blowing up my phone to ask me when I’m coming home. Have you lost your mind? I’ll be home at the regular time. Why?”

  “You ungrateful son-of-a-bitch, I’ve been worried sick about you, and that’s how you’re going to respond to me?”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, but it lacked conviction.

  “I can’t talk now. I’ll see you tonight.” I hung up before I betrayed my feelings. There was so much more I wanted to say, but I had to say it when I could see his face to decipher his nonverbal cues. Over the phone he could tell a lie.