Packed and Ready to Go

by Jacki Kelly

  “I’m leaving now.” He stood close to me.

  Too close.

  “Do you have to?” I asked. Knowing he was in the room made me feel happier. I wanted to touch him, kiss him, taste him. Dressed in his dark suit, with his hair slightly tousled, he looked so handsome I wanted to be in his arms. I could live in those arms.

  “Yes. But if you need me—”

  I shook my head. This was wrong. “I won’t, Marco.” I bit my lip. “I can’t.” I placed my hand on his forearm. “I’ll be fine.”

  His eyes locked with mine. The intensity of his stare shook my resolve. I wanted to touch him, press my hand against his heart to see it was beating as fast as mine. Then he turned and walked out.

  Walter was seated back at the table. Maybe if I tried harder I could feel for him what I was beginning to feel for Marco. Buried deep inside, maybe there was enough love left for Walter to rekindle.

  “You look happy,” Walter said when exhaustion tugged me into the chair. The day seemed to run on forever.

  “I haven’t been this happy in a long time.”

  “Are you looking forward to our trip?”

  He positioned himself closer to me. He wanted me to be happy, excited, maybe even thankful. So I tried. “Yes, very much. What made you decide on a trip? It seemed to come out of nowhere. I thought you were too busy at work to get away.”

  “You’ve been fussing so much lately, I think you need a little break.” He laughed.

  “Yeah, but you’ve been so distant and the last thing—”

  “Tracy, we’re going away, okay? So relax and try to enjoy it.” He patted my hand.

  “I think I can manage to relax, but it will take me some time to get used to your changing moods.”

  “Can’t a man love his wife?”

  “A man should love his wife every day, not just on special occasions.”

  “I do. This is my way of showing it.” He pulled me to the dance floor as a slow song began to play and drew me closer. I wrapped my hands around his waist and pressed my body against his, praying for my heart to race or my skin to tingle.

  “Okay everyone, the newlyweds are getting ready to leave. We want all the single women on the floor because after Crystal throws the bouquet, we’ll all go outside and wish them well,” the wedding coordinator announced.

  Crystal’s single friends pushed to the front of the room. None of them seemed embarrassed to want to catch the bouquet like the men were with the garter. Ursula stood as close to the front as she could without elbowing someone. I gave her a finger wave. Crystal kissed her grandparents and the three of them shared a hug, then she kissed her father on the cheek before she reached me.

  “Be happy,” she whispered in my ear. She ran halfway up the stairs, turned her back and, without any preamble, tossed the bouquet very high into the air. Several women pushed to grab it. It was snatched out of the air by one of Crystal’s friends, who stood almost six feet tall.

  ***

  As soon as I walked in the house I pulled off my shoes. Even though the heel on my sandals was only two inches I wanted to place my feet flat on the floor. I plopped down

  in the kitchen chair and propped my feet up in the chair beside me.

  “Can I get you something?” Walter asked.

  “It’s wine o’clock. Give me a glass of wine.”

  “Don’t you think you’ve had enough wine for one day?” He dangled the bottle of Merlot in front of me.

  “Yep, so give me some more.”

  “I was only kidding, Tracy.” He poured two glasses and set them on the table. He lifted my feet and placed them in his lap before he sat in front of me. I’m sure he registered the shocked look on my face when he began massaging my feet.

  “What’s this going to cost me?” I asked.

  “It’s free for the special lady—and that’s not all, either.” He gave me a seductive look. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the massage.

  “My parents should be safely home now. Your mother should be tucked into her hotel room. I think everything turned out splendid.” My eyes were closed, enjoying the attention.

  “My mother was on her best behavior.”

  “Does that mean she didn’t jerk your chain today?” I asked.

  “She did not. Maybe she’s mellowing.”

  I opened my eyes, sat up, and we clicked our wine glasses.

  We sat in the kitchen for two hours, sipping wine and discussing all the funny things that happened during the wedding. Marco’s words kept running through my head. Pushing them away seemed useless.

  “It’s almost two. We need to get to bed.” He placed my feet on the floor. I followed him upstairs, slightly intoxicated and so exhausted I couldn’t feel my legs.

  We dropped our clothes beside the bed and crawled under the sheets. My thigh brushed his, creating warmth. I waited for my heart to rev up. Walter outlined my neck with his index finger. Unhurried, his finger descended down to my breasts. For a fraction of a moment he hesitated, before running a circle around my navel, where his hand came to rest. His touch telegraphed a spiritual sensation more than a carnal need.

  Shame rocketed through me for all the atrocious deeds I’d accused him of, both aloud and in my imagination. I even turned my friends against him. He only needed some time. Crystal getting married had to have an effect on him, too.

  I took a quiet breath to erase the negative thoughts and focus on him. I closed my eyes, trying to pay more attention to what was happening to me, now. Not wishing for someone else, somewhere else, or something else. Just Walter and me in this moment. The man I married and vowed to love.

  Just having Walter so close to me used to rev me up. My body heating every pore. But my body was hesitant. Every time I thought I was making progress, the feeling disappeared like a ghost through a wall.

  Tonight his touch was light and slow. He placed gentle kisses along my shoulder and down the column of my neck. I willed my body to respond, wrapping my arms around his back, and blocking out the images of Marco at the foot of the stairs during the reception, with lust burning in his eyes.

  In the darkened room, I found Walter’s mouth and kissed him. Gentle at first, but each kiss grew more demanding as I pushed myself toward desire. Walter responded by moaning, a deep sound that vibrated in my ear. He squeezed my breast with just enough pressure to draw me closer to him.

  Without releasing his mouth, I griped his hardened shaft. The familiar feel of his rod throbbed in my palm. I slid my hand up and down until he pulled it away.

  He settled between my legs. Without releasing my mouth or my breast. Tonight he took his time. If my head were in the right place everything would have been perfect.

  I squeeze my eyes shut, wrapped my arms around Walter’s neck, and allowed him to enter me. All we needed was time. Time fixed everything and it would repair my feelings too.

  In the morning, a light rain pulled me out of a fitful sleep. Instead of opening my eyes to greet the day, I feigned sleep, gauging my attitude barometer. I should have been happier, and as soon as I got Marco out of my head, I could get back into my marriage.

  “Morning, darling,” Walter’s voice was husky with sleep. He nuzzled against me.

  “Are you golfing today?”

  “I’m spending the day with you.” He reached for the remote, turned on the television, then plumped his pillow.

  I rested my head on his chest. Hope bubbled in my stomach. “This is nice. I remember when we used to do this all the time.”

  “How about we go to brunch at the country club this morning?” Walter placed his head in my lap.

  “That’s a good idea, because I sure don’t feel like cooking anything,” I said as I laid my legs over his.

  He kissed my forehead before he got out of bed. “The last one downstairs is a rotten egg.”

  I watched him head down the hall to the other bathroom. I didn’t know where this Walter came from, but I hoped he stayed around. The stress from his job was robbing him of
his charm. The charm I fell in love with.

  I ignored my suitcases. I dressed, unsure if I was betraying Walter or myself.

  By the time we left the house, the rain was falling much heavier. We darted inside the club under one umbrella, laughing like we were carefree and in love. We were seated at a table by a large window overlooking the practice putting green. Walter reached across the table and caressed my hands. “I’ve missed this.” He tilted his head just enough to let me know he was being sincere. “This is our time, Tracy. I know I’m not perfect, but we have a good life. Nothing should come between us. I want to grow old with you.”

  “We are old, silly.” I wanted to lighten the conversation. Making declarations about the future seem premature.

  When the server showed up, we opted for orange juice and coffee instead of mimosas. I wanted something stronger, to numb the edge that competed for my attention, but Walter was trying so hard, I kept my mouth shut.

  “How are things at your job?”

  “Joe’s going to screw me. He told me he’ll see what he can do, but I don’t trust him.” He sipped his coffee as if he were talking about the weather.

  “Aren’t you worried? You love your job. What will you do? What will we do?”

  “Tracy, you worry about everything. If I never work another day, we’ll be fine.”

  “Don’t blow me off like that. I’m serious.” I fingered my diamond pendant, running my thumb along the gold chain.

  “We’re fine. I love you and I always have.” Walter poured on his charm. “We’ll be together forever, you’re stuck with me.”

  “Huh, you’re so full of yourself. Where to now?” I leaned back in my chair.

  “Let’s see, we leave for our trip in two days, so how about I take you shopping before you pack.”

  “I-I don’t believe it. You want to take me shopping?”

  He nodded.

  “Okay, where is my real husband? What have you done to him?”

  “I know I’ve been a little distant, but I’m here now.” He pulled his wallet from his pocket and placed a fifty dollar bill on the table. We walked out of the large dining room. Walter placed his hand at the base of my spine and steered me outside into the light drizzle.

  We headed to the mall, where I picked up a couple of casual outfits. Walter even helped me select a pair of navy blue Capri pants and a white top with sailor buttons down the side. By the time we left the mall the sun was back out.

  “Tracy, I’m exhausted, let’s head home.”

  “I figured this would tire you out. You haven’t shopped with me in years,” I teased him.

  “Maybe after I get some sleep we can...” He winked.

  “Sounds like a plan to me.” I hoped to muster some enthusiasm. Maybe this time it would be different. Maybe he was back to stay, emotionally.

  He pulled into the garage.

  I dropped my bags on the counter as soon as I entered the house.

  “You take that end of the sofa. I’ll take this end,” Walter said as we nested into the soft fabric.

  Sometime during the early evening, just as the sun was setting, the phone pierced the quiet. Walter lifted his arm and moved my head as he reached for the ringing phone.

  “Who can that be?” I asked.

  Walter swung his feet over the side of the sofa and I rushed off to the bathroom.

  “Tracy!” he yelled to me from the family room.

  Before I could respond, Walter was standing beside me. The look on his face said that it could only be bad news. My knees buckled. Walter reached for me before I slid to the floor. The sting of tears filled my eyes as I whispered, “Crystal?”

  He shook his head, his eyes wide with alarm. I wanted to hear his response, but I knew I wouldn’t like it.

  “No. It’s your Dad.” Those are the only words I remember Walter saying. The rest of the day was a numbing blur.

  Chapter Twenty-One - Walter

  Like melting ice cream, Tracy puddled at my feet. I caught her before her head hit the marble floor. I carried her upstairs to the bedroom and placed her on the bed.

  “It’s my fault. It’s entirely fault. I should have taken him to the doctor before the wedding like my mother asked. It’s my fault. It’s my fault.” She sounded like a wind-up toy as the battery ran down.

  “Shhh, shhh. Tracy, you couldn’t have known.” I tried to calm her, but she threw her head from side to side. A scared, uncertain look filled her eyes, darting around the room as if looking for something to fix on.

  I reached for her hand, but she swatted me away. She slumped over the side of the bed, reached in her nightstand and pulled out a bottle of pills. She swallowed two without water and without wincing.

  “What are you taking?” I tried to seize the bottle, but she shoved it back in her drawer, and then curled into a tight knot. With her face buried in the pillow, I could only watch her body wrack with sobs.

  I stroked her head, moving my fingers through the soft curls. Even in the beginning of our relationship I remember positioning her head on my chest so that my fingers could move freely through her ringlets.

  “I’m so sorry. Your mother said he was gone before the ambulance even got there.”

  She shifted just enough to look up at me, then released a strained wail that ripped at my heart.

  Tracy jerked upright, placed her feet on the floor, and switched into automatic pilot. “I have to get to my mother. She needs me.” She showered and dressed without shedding another tear. Her stiff and methodical movements matched the expression on her face.

  We drove to Philadelphia in silence. Tracy stared straight ahead. With her hands folded in her lap. I didn’t talk to her or attempt to penetrate her shell.

  I glimpsed her from the corner of my eyes. “Tracy, are you okay?”

  She nodded.

  “Can I stop to get you something? Water, coffee?”

  “I just need to get to my mother’s. I need to get there.”

  Several minutes later I pulled in front of the house. Tracy jumped out before I turned the car off. Her mother leaned against the open door with a wad of tissues buried against her nose. I could hear her howling from the street.

  Tracy rushed up the stairs with her arms extended. She enclosed her mother in a hug. Together their resolve evaporated as they sank to their knees on the porch and cried openly.

  Frances cried like a cat in pain. The sound of her anguish twisted my heart. I picked her up and carried her inside the house. Her arms tightened around my neck, holding me like she was afraid I’d drop her. Tracy trailed behind me, sniffling.

  I placed her mother on the sofa. Tracy knelt beside the couch and clutched her mother’s shoulders. “Mom, you’re going to make yourself sick.” Tears streamed down her face. “We’re going to be okay. I promise, we’ll get through this.” Tracy buried her head between her mother’s neck and shoulder.

  “No, I won’t, Tracy. I might as well die too. I can’t…I can’t—”

  “Shh, don’t talk like that.”

  I stood across the room, my hands in my pockets, feeling useless to help them.

  “I’m going to call the hotels. If anyone is still in town, they’ll want to know. They might want to stop by.”

  Tracy dried her mother’s tears with her hand, then struggled off the floor. I folded her in my arms and listened as her breathing slowed.

  “I’m here for you. Let me help you.”

  “Okay,” she managed. “You call your family, I’ll call mine.”

  ***

  In a flash, Carla and Ursula arrived at her mother’s house. The two of them operated in automatic pilot, too. Food appeared within minutes. Together they pacified Tracy in a way I could not. The tension in her face eased and her breathing came in a natural rhythm without the quick catches like she was having an asthma attack.

  “Maybe we should call Crystal together,” I said to Tracy when she came out of the kitchen and placed a cake in the center of the dining room table.
>
  “No. No, we won’t call her.” Tracy stiffened. “You only get one chance for a first honeymoon and I don’t want to ruin hers.”

  “But, Tracy.” I spoke slow and soft, not wanting to upset her. She threw up her hands and walked back in the kitchen.

  I turned to Carla and Ursula. “Can one of you try to talk to her?”

  “I’m not so sure I disagree with her.” Carla took the seat across the table from me and folded her hands. “Do you want Crystal to always think about her honeymoon and how her grandfather died? Or do you want her to think about her honeymoon and how wonderful it was, and then she returned home to find out her grandfather had died? Her coming home now won’t change anything.”

  Tracy walked into the room carrying a stuffed turkey. Who had time to prepare a turkey on such short notice?

  She handed me a piece of paper. “Walter, I need you to go home and get everything on this list. I’m staying here with my mother for a few days.” Her tone was short and clipped. “Also, stop at the store and get everything on here.” She pushed another list into my hand.

  I looked over the items. Everything seemed simple enough. Tracy cleared her throat.

  “Okay, I’m going, now.” I planted a kiss on her forehead and walked out, happy to get away from the gloom in the stuffy house.

  I pulled away from the house and dialed Sasha’s number.

  “Hello, baby. I was hoping you’d call me,” she said.

  “I called as soon as I could.”

  “Are you coming over? I really miss you.” The lusty sound of her voice stirred me. “I haven’t heard from you in three days.”

  “You knew I was busy with the wedding, and last night, Carl died.”

  “Okay, who is Carl and what does that have to do with you and me?”