by Jacki Kelly
“Tracy, what happened?”
“Ursula, I’m not feeling too good. Just come, okay? Come, okay.” I hung up the phone, collected my purse, and pulled my keys out of the side pocket. My head throbbed like the base drum at a rock concert. The constant boom, boom, boom pounded in time with my heart.
I stumbled out of the building. Nothing felt real. A vortex of whirling color blurred my vision, becoming more vibrant the farther I walked. Finally the pills were working. The loneliness and deceit blurred. The notion that I had been so supremely duped ricocheted around in my head, my body revolted at the news.
I walked out of the same door as Sasha Samuels, down the winding sidewalk just as she had. I thought I could still smell her cologne lingering in the air. With the sun in my eyes, all the cars looked the same.
The same color.
The same make.
The same model. I stepped off the curb toward the car that should have been mine. I wasn’t fast enough to jump back on the sidewalk. I tried, but the curb was too high.
So high.
A car struck me so hard I landed on the hood. I rolled off into a big ball and landed hard on the asphalt.
The pain hit me with so much intensity I couldn’t move. The driver yelled to someone and came to stand over me. His hands flapped in several different directions. I refused to get up, maybe because I couldn’t or because it felt good to just lie down. I wanted to stay there.
Forever.
Marco’s face hovered over mine.“Tracy, Cosa c’e che non va? Are you hurt?”
“All over.”
“An ambulance is coming. Don’t move.”
“Can’t you just help me to my car? I need to get home. I have to check his office drawer.”
“Ma’am, I think you need to get to a hospital. Please just be still.” The driver’s voice was shaky.
“Marco, help me up please. Please.”
Instead of giving me a hand, he got down on his knees and spoke into my ear. “Tracy, you are going to the hospital so they can take a look at you. I’ll go with you. Take my hand and hold on to it. I’ll be here.”
I grabbed his hand and held on to it as I tried to straighten my legs. “Her name was Sasha. Why do I know that name?”
“Shhh, Tracy it’s going to be all right.”
The siren got closer.
“I’m going to close my eyes, Marco, for a moment, but I’m not going to die, okay?”
Chapter Twenty-Four - Tracy
“Ms. Baptiste, I’m Dr. Ali.” She sat in the chair beside the bed and crossed her legs. “How are you feeling?”
“My throat is sore.” It came out more like a croak than actual words.
“Yes, we had to pump your stomach. Are you aware that you had a very high dosage of anti-anxiety medication in your system? Do you know how many you took?”
My head pounded like a freight train was running through it. I shook my head. I had bigger problems that needed solving.
“Did you take more than what was prescribed?”
I used my elbows to lift up in the bed. I spoke slowly. “Do you think I did it on purpose?” When she didn’t reply, I asked her again.
“I have to ask these questions. It’s routine.”
“Well, I can assure you I didn’t take them on purpose. I mean… I know I took them…but the pain… It was an accident. My father died, I found out my husband is a big fat liar. It was an accident.”
“Do you feel like you need more pills?”
“I’m sore, all over, but I’m fine. Fine.”
The doctor gave me a firm look before scribbling on her pad and walking out. Ursula rushed into the room before the door closed. She threw her arms around me and held me while she rocked back and forth.
“Marco called me.” Tears glistened in her eyes. “He’s outside the door. He told me a little bit. What happened? Did you…” Ursula seldom cried. “Did you try to commit suicide, Tracy?”
“Oh, Ursula, no. You know me better than that. You sound like that psychologist—doctor—person who just walked out of here. Why would you think I tried to kill myself?”
“The pills and stepping in front of that car.” Her high-pitched voice was full of fear. “And when you called me you weren’t very coherent.” She sat in the chair. “Tracy you gotta do something. Honey you can’t keep this up.”
Carla banged the door against the wall when she stormed into the room. “What happened to you? You don’t look so good.”
“Thanks, Carla.”
“You know what I mean.” She threw her purse on the foot of the bed. “What did the jackass do this time?”
“Huh. You got that right,” Ursula quipped.
Both of them stared at me.
“He’s been having an affair for years. Years.” I swallowed against the roughness in my throat and told them the whole story. My heartbeat increased with each detail. Their eyes grew bigger. We sat in silence for a few moments while they absorbed the gritty truth.
I had to stop this. Stop dragging my friends through the bowels of my relationship. It was bad enough that it was tearing me apart.
“I knew it. I knew it.” Carla slapped the bed. “That no good S.O.B. We should’ve kicked his ass after that first time.” She stood up and faced the window. Ursula continued to look at me with sadness in her eyes.
“Soooo, what’s next?” Ursula let out a deep breath.
“Well, now I go to my house, pack up his stuff so he can move out, then I move on. It’s really as simple as that.”
“It’s never that simple,” Ursula said.
Carla turned around. Her eyes were damp with tears. “Oh, yes it is. It’s as simple as that. It’s time she took a walk, without looking back. What kind of man does a thing like this? How can he…” Carla pointed her finger at me. “It’s time you got angry enough to pull yourself together.”
Ursula reached across the bed and touched my leg. “The more important fact we need to talk about is how…why the pills, Tracy? And why did you step in front of that car?”
“Look, you two have known me a long time, you know I wouldn’t try to kill myself.” I cried freely. “I was just trying to stop the pain. I didn’t do this on purpose. It’s been…look at all the stuff I’ve been going through. I didn’t see that car. Really, I didn’t. I just wanted to feel better. That’s all.”
“Honey walking in front of cars never made anyone feel better. You won’t feel better until you start fixing your life,” Carla said.
“You know what I mean…I was going home to prepare to confront him. My head was just…just so full of all the stuff that that woman said, and the incidents I’ve ignored or pretended not to see, that I wasn’t paying attention,” My confession eased some of the pain sitting on my heart.
“She’s right, Tracy, you’ve got to change something. You can’t keep doing what you’ve been doing. Honey…honey, I’m not trying to be mean, but—”
I put my hand up to stop her from the painful statement she thought she needed to make. “I know. I know I’ve got to do something different and I will. I promise.”
“You think he’s going to just walk away? It can get ugly and it probably will. I don’t think you’re strong enough to handle all this right now. Let me call your mother or Crystal.”
“No,” I snapped. “No, Ursula. My mother definitely can’t handle this right now and Crystal will be home in a few days.” I paused. “I won’t lean on anyone but myself. I can handle this, and I will.”
“Suppose Walter decides he’s not moving out?” Carla asked.
“I’ll deal with that when the time comes.”
“By taking more pills?” Carla placed her hands on her hips.
“My bags are packed. I’ll go. Maybe I need to change the scenery, anyway.” I twirled my thumbs and avoided her eyes.
“Don’t act tough for me, Tracy. You don’t need to be tough, I’m here for you.” Ursula rubbed my leg. Her touch reminded me of our college years when we cried together
over our disappointments.
“Ursula, I’ll be fine.”
Carla folded her hands and nodded.
Walter hurried into the room with his hand shoved so deep in his pockets I thought his pants might come down. His annoyed look said I’d I interrupted his busy day and needed to be swatted. He rushed to the bed and planted a dry kiss on my forehead. His affection was as artificial as the smile pasted on Carla’s face.
Carla and Ursula hugged and kissed me then scurried out of the room. Ursula shot me a thumbs-up before she disappeared through the door.
“What the hell happened?” Walter asked.
I stared at my husband, the stranger. Impeccably dressed and as handsome as ever but little else about him was recognizable. The distance between us was too wide to be filled with flowers, sex or romantic weekends in the Caribbean.
“They are releasing me in a few minutes. You might as well sit and wait until I sign the release forms.”
“What the fuck did you do, Tracy? I knew you were popping too many pills, like they were candy or something.” He walked around the bed.
“You might as well sit,” I repeated, while searching his face for a hint of his duplicity.
He circled the bed again, slower this time, without taking his hands out of his pockets. “Are you going to tell me what happened?”
“Eventually.”
“What the hell does eventually mean, Tracy?”
“It means when I feel up to it I’ll tell you all about it. And right now, I’m not up to it. But we’ll talk. We’ll talk. By the way, did you ever find out any more about that check for five thousand dollars?”
“Are you shitting me? We’re in the hospital because you got hit by a car, they had to pump your stomach, and you’re asking me about some damn check? Maybe that psychologist needs to come back in here and talk to you a little more,” he huffed.
“Maybe I do.” I shrugged. “Because I sure need to have my head examined.”
“What the hell does that mean?” He glared at me.
I clasped my hands tight, holding in the hostility bubbling in my gut.
Chapter Twenty-Five – Walter
Tracy was in a daze. She couldn’t answer any of my questions. The whole idea of being hit by a car and overdosing on drugs didn’t seem to faze her.
I held her elbow as I guided her through the door of the house. She groaned as I eased her onto the couch. Her mouth twisted with pain.
“I’m going upstairs to change. I’ll be right back.”
She adjusted her position, but didn’t respond.
After spending a week running nuisance errands while she mourned her father, I had no intentions of playing nursemaid to her for another week. Those loudmouth friends should be putting her to bed, holding her hand, and talking nice to her.
“Did you hear me?” I asked again.
“I did.” She folded her arms over her chest. “I’ll be here.”
Upstairs, I closed the bathroom door and dialed Sasha’s number. No use having her yakking in my ear about stopping by after work. My call transferred to voice mail. I was saved the hassle she was going to dish out.
I stepped into my neat closet and examined the wire shelf. Tracy knew exactly how I liked my shirts folded. I pulled my lucky blue golf shirt from the pile and pulled it on. Eighteen holes of golf called my name.
Tracy was probably asleep. I planned to leave her a note instead of looking at those sad brown eyes and tell her I was going golfing. I was so happy about playing golf, I whistled as I bounded down the stairs.
Tracy was seated in the center of the family room sofa, clutching a bunch of papers while a steady stream of fat tears rolled down her cheeks. Good lord, if she’s still upset about her father or her mishap today, then I’ll have to skip my golf game and sit with her.
“Shit,” I muttered as my dream game evaporated. “What’s the matter, Tracy?” I tried to hide my exasperation as I sat down beside her. “Are you in pain?”
She flung the papers in my face, just missing my eye.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I yelled. I gathered the papers from the floor. “These are my cell phone statements. Why…” My heart hammered in my ears. “What the hell are you doing going through my office drawers? Do I need to call the doctor because you must be losing your damn mind?”
“Why don’t you answer some questions for a change? Why don’t you tell me who Sasha Samuels is, Walter? Tell me why you wrote her a check for five thousand dollars? Tell me the story again about taking your pregnant secretary to the doctor. Tell me about the house on 108 Academy Drive. Tell me why she’s driving your car and carrying your baby.”
“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” I jumped off the couch. Beads of sweat pricked my forehead and upper lip. My chest contracted. I moved away from her. I needed another panic attack, but I couldn’t will an episode to strike me down, to get me out of the mess.
“It’s nothing, Tracy. It’s not what you think.”
“Don’t tell me what I should be thinking. Your Sasha Samuels visited my office today. She had a very interesting story to tell. I can see from these bills you call her a lot. A lot. Shit, Walter, you call her more than you call me. Look at the bills, it’s all right there.” She stabbed a finger at one of the bills in her lap. “So if it’s nothing, then tell me what it is.” Her eyes were red and tears continued to roll down her face, but she seemed calm. “Tell me, dammit,” she hissed.
During our marriage I had told so many lies, I couldn’t keep up with them. What made this beautiful, intelligent woman love me the way she did? She could have—and maybe she should have—walked out years ago. The hurt engraved on her face ripped me apart. I needed to get it out in the open. I owed her the truth. She would understand. She’d always been there for me. I had to trust her to help me work through this situation.
“Tracy,” I started. “Tracy, I never meant for this thing to get so carried away. It started out as just…you know, sex.” I hunched my shoulders waiting for her to nod in agreement. She didn’t. “It wasn’t supposed to get this far. I’m going to end it with her.”
“She came to my office today.”
“Who?”
“Who are we talking about? Sooner or later you’ll be honest with yourself and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be honest with me.”
“What?” I threw my hands up. There was a tightness in my chest. My mind search for a way out. “Who, Tracy?”
“Sasha.” Her shrill voice was unrecognizable.
“She wouldn’t.”
“She did.”
“Why?” I shook my head and sat next to her.
“My God, Walter she’s barely older than Crystal. What are you trying to prove? Your girlfriend, your lover—or should I say your fiancée—says you want to leave me, but don’t know how to tell me. That I won’t let you go. It was quite obvious she’s pregnant with your child. You are the one who needs to see a doctor.” Her sarcastic truth was hurtful to hear. The pain in her voice was audible.
I never thought I’d admit the truth, even when I dreamed of this moment I always had a handy explanation to tell Tracy, but not the truth.
“I’m so sorry. You know I’m too old to raise another family…I’ll take care of the baby. I promise you it won’t have an impact on our lives. I really didn’t mean for this to happen, and I didn’t mean to hurt you. Honestly. You have to believe me. This wasn’t supposed to happen.” I wasn’t sure which part of this statement was true and which part was a lie. I’d enjoyed every minute I spent with Sasha. I hadn’t intentionally set out to hurt Tracy. “I can fix this, Tracy. Just bear with me and I’ll fix everything.”
“How can you sit there and tell me this was something casual and that you’ll fix it? Maybe what the two of you had was more real than what we’ve had. So real that she felt she had to come to me and claim you.” She bowed her head and studied her hands.
“How long?”
“How long what?”
“Don’t.”
“How long,” she shouted. “How many years, you bastard?”
“Tracy…I-I don’t…it’s…three years.” I dropped my head when her eyes grew larger, and she started crying uncontrollably. She tried to say something, but she couldn’t catch her breath long enough to get the words out. I wanted to pull her into my arms, but I didn’t dare touch her.
“What about me, where do I fit in here?” she finally said.
“I still love you. I always have and I always will. We’ll get through this, just like we’ve gotten through other difficult times.”
“Do you love her?”
I didn’t expect this question. She wanted me to say no, but I couldn’t. I nodded.
“We’ll get through this.”
“No…not this time, Walter. We won’t get through this.” She shook her head and struggled to stand up. “Get out,” she yelled. “You have to leave now. I don’t want to look at you another minute.” She pointed to the door like I didn’t know where it was. “Get out.”
I didn’t move.
“Did you hear me? I said get out, Walter. Now. Get out now.”
“Tracy, I don’t think you need to be alone right now.”
“I’ve been alone for years. I can’t stand the sight of you. Get the hell out of here.” She pointed to the door again.
“Where am I supposed to go?” I held out my hands.
“The hell if I care. You must think I’m an idiot.” Her words hung between us.
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
She cocked her head to one side but didn’t say anything.
“No, I don’t think I ever would. You know how I am. Eventually I would have come back home. I think this is just a phase. I love you, Tracy.”
“Go to 108 Academy Drive.” She started up the stairs. “And don’t you ever set foot in this house again. I’ll have every single thing in this house that belongs to you sent there. If I come across anything I don’t want, I’ll send that to you, too. Now get hell out of here.”