Packed and Ready to Go

by Jacki Kelly

  “I lost my job.”

  “And I’m supposed to care…because?”

  “Come on Tracy, this isn’t like you. You’ve been through a lot and you’re probably not thinking clearly right now.”

  “Is that what you think? I’m not thinking clearly. And the day of Crystal’s wedding, when you talked about taking your dear wife away because I was the love of your life…Was I thinking clearly then or was I just foolish?”

  “Tracy.”

  “No, I think I get it now.” She descended a couple of stairs. “Let me make this clear to you. I finally get it. Walter, I get it. This marriage is over. It’s done. I’m done. My bags have been packed and sitting in my closet for months. But I kept thinking I needed to give our marriage one more try, that maybe there was one little thing I could do to feel something for you again.” I shook my head. “Go to your fiancée and be happy, you bastard.”

  “Aah come on, let’s talk about it.” I threw my hands in the air. I wanted to hold her in my arms and make this better. The cold stare in her eyes sliced me in two, making me back up.

  “Good bye, Walter.” She walked up the stairs without looking back.

  Chapter Twenty-Six – Tracy

  Such an artful liar. His dark brown eyes never shifted while he professed his commitment to me. For twenty years of marriage I’d managed to overlook his arrogance, his selfishness, and a whole host of character deficiencies, until he closed the door leading to the garage. All his imperfections sailed back to me like a wave at high tide. The thick veil that shielded me from seeing the ugly side of my marriage lifted, revealing the real man I married. His charming good looks and sleek physique couldn’t hide his shortcomings any longer. His narcissism clawed at the wound that was our marriage.

  I climbed the stairs, my body screamed with each step. I felt like I had been torn apart and glued back together. It was hard to identify what hurt most—Walter’s betrayal or my own stupidity.

  Outrage at his guile and duplicity pushed me up the stairs and into our bedroom. I stood in the darkened room with my fists clenched at my sides and wrath coursing through my veins.

  “I did this to me. I closed my eyes and ignored the signs. For what?” I shouted as I yanked open my closet door. I pushed aside the clothes and managed to drag the two large bags out of the closet and deposit them in the middle of the floor. The trappings of middle class were more than I could tolerate to stay in this marriage. Even protecting Crystal seemed to be less important as I threw my makeup bag into the opened suitcase.

  It took over an hour to finish packing my toiletries. With frequent stops to massage my back, I finally threw the last of my things into the stuffed bag. I found a tissue on the nightstand and wiped my nose before plopping down on the edge of the bed.

  I couldn’t call Ursula or Carla. Seeing my sadness mirrored in their eyes would rip me apart. There was a limit to the number of times I could expect them to rescue me. My mother was in no state to assist me. She still needed me to hold her together.

  The outline of the telephone blurred as I stared at it. With a heavy sigh I dialed Marco’s number. He answered immediately. “I was hoping I’d hear from you,” he said without waiting for me to identify myself.

  “I didn’t know who else to call. I can’t stay in this house tonight, I swear the walls are laughing at me and I can’t drive.”

  “I’m on my way,” he said.

  I placed the phone on the receiver and looked around the room. The huge suite had everything I thought I wanted. I shook my head, turned out the light, and headed downstairs. My energy gave out on the bottom step. I settled on the last rung, and waited. My clothes were damp with perspiration, and clung to my skin, making me shiver.

  My stomach twisted and settled like a cast iron anchor in my gut. I wrapped my arms around my waist, holding in what little strength remained. For several minutes I stared at the intricate glass in the front door, following the lines that made up the design. What should have been a sad, devastating moment actually felt calm and serene.

  All my questions had been revealed as the universe coughed up the massive hairball with the answers. At some point, Walter had loved me. I wish I could pinpoint when he stopped, and saw me more as an accessory instead of a partner. I covered my face with my hands and cried. The quiet stream of tears didn’t bring the relief I expected. It wasn’t until the sobs rumbled in my stomach did I accept the truth. The sadness closed over me and for once I didn’t fight it. I’d earned every morsel.

  Calling Marco may have been another dumb thing to do, but it felt right. I was so numb I couldn’t tell if my feelings for him were a true emotional connection or a need to fill the hole left of my marriage?

  Without my marriage to hide behind, I wasn’t sure who I’d be. I wanted to be the person who followed her instincts. There was only one way to go now.

  Forward.

  Even if I had to take baby steps, at least it was away from the pain and toward a new life. A better life.

  What would I tell Crystal? I closed my eyes and prayed that by the time she returned home, some of the emotions will have settled. Walter would have to provide his version of what happened. Either way, I couldn’t smooth this out for her.

  Marco rang the doorbell, jarring me back to the present.

  “Come in, it’s open,” I yelled without moving.

  The knob turned and slowly the door opened. He stepped into the foyer without seeing me seated on the stairs.

  “I’m here.” I waved my hand to get his attention.

  “Are you okay?” He rushed to my side; his six-foot frame towered over me. “Are you hurt?” He scanned my body from head to toe.

  “I feel like a baseball in a world series game. I need to get out of this house. My bags are in the bedroom. First door on the left.”

  He dashed up the stairs and was back in seconds. After loading the bags in the car, he lifted me off the steps. I was getting stiffer, my body rebelling from the accident.

  Marco backed to the end of the driveway and stopped, putting the car in Park. “Do you want to talk about what happened?” he asked.

  “Okay, let’s see…where should I start? I could start with the secretary or the college fling, but you already know those stories. I should cut right to the chase and tell you the pregnant woman in the lobby is his new love. She’s expecting his child,” I said without masking my sarcasm. “Oh yeah, and get this. They’re engaged.” I emitted a sound that could have been confused with laughter but it was too harsh.

  “If it upsets you, we don’t have to talk about it.” He glanced at me.

  “I want to say it out loud, to make it real. If I hear it in my own voice it gives me the push I need to do what I’ve been ignoring for so long.” I took a deep breath. “I called her tonight. She said he bought her that car she drove to the office. I thought it was his, but they have matching cars. Can you believe that? After over twenty years he and I don’t have anything that match. Aagghh! And…and she’s only twenty-seven years old.”

  “Go ahead. Let it out. Are you sure this is helping you?”

  “I don’t know. I’m just so…so wound up. Are we going to your house?

  “Si bella. I’m taking you to my house where I can take care of you.”

  “Maybe I shouldn’t stay there. I’m a wreck and maybe I should be alone. Besides, what will people think?” My thoughts boomeranged in my head with rapid speed. Staying at Marco’s house suddenly seemed impulsive. “Maybe I should go to a hotel or Ursula’s.”

  “What people are you worried about?”

  “Well…” I paused. My father was dead. Crystal was away, my mother lived miles away. Who cared where I spent the night or with whom? Certainly I didn’t care what Walter thought.

  “You can sleep in the spare bedroom. I promise I won’t sneak in and take advantage of you during the night.”

  “Then I might as well go stay with Carla and Javier,” I teased.

  He gave me a disapproving loo
k. “Don’t tempt me. My feelings for you are too strong. It won’t take much for me to cross that line.”

  “I know. But I’ve got to get my life together before I can embark on anything else. You understand, don’t you?” I placed my hand on his thigh. My goal to be level-headed evaporated.

  “But you’ve made so many sacrifices. When do you put Tracy first?” He shifted into gear and backed into the street.

  “Now. Starting now.” I gave his thigh a tight squeeze.

  He placed his hand on top of mine. “I’ll do anything you ask.”

  “Would you take a hit out on Walter?”

  “Anything but that.”

  We rode in silence for a few miles. Going to his place may have been a bad decision but it was what I wanted.

  He pulled into the parking garage and walked around to my side of the car. I held on to him, gripping his solid forearm. The elevator to his floor was small but elegant.

  His huge living room had large windows spanning the length of one wall. Lights from the city sparkled in the distance. The opposite red brick wall housed a massive wood-burning fireplace that looked big enough to heat the whole condo. A large flat-screen television and state of the art stereo equipment occupied one wall. His home looked like I pictured it, very masculine but very organized. I sank into the lush chocolate leather sectional.

  “What can I get for you?” he asked over his shoulder on his way to the kitchen.

  “I need some water.” I rummaged through my pocketbook until I located my pills. The amber vial warmed my hand, promising me euphoria within minutes. I almost had the lid off before the vision of the car smacking into my hip came into view.

  The pills were an old friend—just like Walter used to be my husband. They felt good for a little while, but they’d sent me crashing without a safety net. I put them back in my purse and folded my hands in my lap. Marco stood against the doorjamb, watching me.

  “How long have you been standing there?” I asked.

  “Long enough.” He placed the glass of ice water in my hand and sat beside me. The tenderness in his voice belied the worry in his eyes. “Are you okay?” His voice was both soothing and reassuring.

  “I think so.” I gulped the water and looked away. He sat so close I could feel the heat from his body. My lust twenty-two years ago had changed the direction of my life. This time I needed to act differently. I wanted the comfort of his arms around me, cuddling my head against his chest would have been the perfect prescription.

  “I’m really tired. I think I ought to lie down.”

  He helped me up, supporting my weight on his forearm. The most I would allow myself was to lean against him. My body felt like a mass of aches and soreness.

  “Can I get you something else?”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “Everything is going to be okay.” He spoke with the assurance of a man who’d been in my place. It happened for a reason.”

  “My pride is hurt more than anything. Before Crystal’s wedding I was planning to leave him and somehow I got sucked back into that maze of crazy.”

  He nodded and disappeared down the hall.

  I found the pills in my purse, walked into the adjoining bathroom and flushed them down the toilet. I watched them swirl their way out of existence. I’d expected them to erase the unhappiness and my guilt. Instead they only delayed the inevitable. For the first time in months I was able to think clearly. Walter’s actions shouldn’t have surprised me. He showed me who he was years ago, with that first affair. I just refused to see it.

  I stripped down to my bra and panties before climbing into bed. With the cell on vibrate I placed it next to me in the bed. I didn’t expect any calls, but I didn’t want to disturb Marco.

  My mind raced as thoughts pushed around demanding attention. In college I had sprained my arm doing a cartwheel in gym class. The doctor said a sprain was worse than a break because it took more time to heal. All the time I spent trying to figure out what was wrong with Walter and me was like walking around with my arm in a sling, nursing a sprain. Now that I knew my marriage was broken, I could get on with the business of healing.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven – Tracy

  The phone vibrated just as I was falling asleep. It pulsed several inches across the bed before I decided to talk to Carla.

  “How ya doing, sweetie?” Her voice could make a baby coo.

  “I-I’m okay.” I told her I put Walter out of the house.

  “Do you need me to stay with you tonight?” I can come over right now.”

  “No. I’m fine.” I didn’t tell her I was staying at Marco’s. “I’m fine tonight. I’ll give you a call tomorrow.” As long as I had friends like Carla and Ursula, my life would have some measure of happiness and contentment.

  “You know this will get easier. It will only hurt for a while,” she said.

  “I’ve been hurting for so long I think I’m numb. Look how many years I’ve wasted.”

  “Honey, you can’t move forward until you’re ready. You were thinking of Crystal,” she assured me.

  “Was I a fool?”

  “Not at all! Now you can walk away with a clear conscious, knowing you tried.”

  After we hung up, I punched the pillow and burrowed under the sheet. Several minutes later, I flipped over and scrunched the pillow under my head. Without the pills I was wide awake. My thoughts raced from Crystal, to my mother, then back to Crystal.

  When the sun came up, I sat on edge of the bed. My body ached in places I hadn’t known existed. A small penance to pay for the way I’d ignored all the symptoms that indicated something was wrong with my marriage.

  Marco knocked on the door. I ran my fingers through my hair, and pulled the sheet around me.

  He stepped inside the room but kept his distance. I adored him for understanding I needed a little privacy and distance first thing in the morning. “Rough night, huh? You cried most of the night. I heard you.”

  “Are you sure it was me?”

  He nodded.

  “I’m sorry if I kept you up.”

  His eyes fell on my thighs and I tugged the sheet tighter.

  “No, you didn’t. I wanted to come in here.” His heavy Italian accent was coated with a tenderness I hadn’t experienced in years. My heart opened up to him in a way I didn’t think was possible.

  “It’s probably best you didn’t. It wasn’t a pretty sight.”

  “You’ve never looked more beautiful.”

  I bit my lip and combed my hair with my fingers again.

  “What would you like to do today? I’ll take off from work.”

  “No. You go to work. I’ve got to do this alone. Just drop me off at the house before you go to work. I’ll call Carla for breakfast.” I spread my hands wide to encompass the whole room. “I kinda like this room, so if it’s okay with you, I’d like to come back tonight. I promise to be quieter.”

  “Not a problem. You can use the room for as long as you want.”

  “I’ll be gone by Christmas. I don’t want to wear out my welcome.”

  He took a step forward. “I wish you would.” The fire behind his eyes made me want to rush into his arms, but being half naked I didn’t dare move.

  ***

  My life was about to change. The thought didn’t scare me like it had in the past. I stuck the key in the lock, opened the front door, and stepped into the house. It was exactly the way I’d left it, but it seemed lifeless.

  In the kitchen I poured myself a glass of orange juice, and dialed Carla.

  “I’ve been waiting on you to call. Can I come over? I got someone to sub for my spinning class so I can spend the whole day with you.”

  “I’ll leave the door unlocked. When you get here, come up to the bedroom.”

  I hung up and opened the refrigerator. There were leftovers from the wedding breakfast and a huge hunk of wedding cake. After more than a week, the breakfast leftovers had to be scrapped. I wrapped the cake, then placed it in the freezer.


  Seated at the kitchen table, I nibbled dry toast and stared at the blinking message light. Walter, no doubt. But I ignored it. There was so much I needed to get done and he would just have to wait, maybe for the rest of my life.

  Crystal would have to be told, and so would my mother. The thought of those conversations made my heart race. Instead of reaching for the extra bottle of pills I stored in the cabinet, I poured a glass of water, then dialed my mother’s number. Thankfully, Crystal was away, it gave me a few more days to figure out how to tell her.

  “Tracy, I’ve been trying to get in touch with you,” my mother said. “It’s been a few days.”

  “I’m sorry. Is everything okay?”

  “I’m doing the best I can. Sometimes I’ll see something or hear something and think I have to share that with Carl, and then I remember—” She stopped. I heard her fight back a sob. “I’m selling the house. I’ve been here for over fifty years, but they were all with your dad.

  I imagined her sitting at her kitchen table with her coffee cup. My guilt for not visiting her for several days rested on my chest, but I hadn’t been frolicking around having fun.

  “Mom, I’m leaving Walter,” I said.

  “What?”

  “It’s a long story. I promise to tell you all about it. But for now, all I can say is my marriage is over.”

  For a long moment neither of us said anything.

  Then with a sharp intake of air, my mother said, “You know best. You’ve never been impulsive. You know you two looked so content and happy at the wedding that I thought things were getting better. Well...” I could tell she was having difficulty compartmentalizing the information. I wished there was some way I could have spared her this disappointment, too.

  “You need me to come down there?”

  “You’re sweet, but no. I’ll be okay. I’ll come up before the end of the week and tell you all about it.”