I hadn’t yet been able to sit down introspectively and internalize what had been done to me, or convince myself that this was a long-term condition. I kept thinking that it would soon wear off, despite what they told me. I’m not a particularly driven or forceful person; most people who know me think of me as a sweet, kind, gentle girl who wouldn’t hurt anyone. That’s how I thought of myself, and I didn’t know if I could even get through this for a few days, let alone a year and a half!
When Rina told me I looked pretty and innocent, she mostly nailed it. That’s how I look and that’s how I am.
Rina suggested we stop for coffee before she helped me get home. That was the first time I had to deal with sighted people since I’d become blind. I didn’t count the Lighthouse because they dealt with the visually impaired all the time.
I was embarrassed but I managed to order, pay and find the spot to wait for my coffee. I’m sure the barristers could tell I was blind, and they placed my cup right in my hand, telling me where the condiments were. I caned my way over to there and managed to find some kind of sweetener and liquid cream or half-and-half.
The whole experience was awful, but I was almost proud of myself in the end. We talked over coffee.
“Mind if I smoke?” Rina asked.
“No, not at all.” I heard her shuffle and then the click of a lighter.
“Want one, I’ll light it for you?”
“I don’t smoke.”
“You might want to rethink that too. You need something to calm you down, big time.”
“Maybe animal tranquilizers …”
She laughed. I’d surprised myself with the first light moment since I lost my sight.
“Ever try smoking?”
“No. It never interested me. Besides, how would I know how to light one when I can’t see it?”
“You learn by feel. You can also use a flameless lighter.”
“Seems like a bad idea to smoke blind. How would I know if I put it out? I could burn the house down!” I laughed again.
“You tell by the smell. Don’t smell smoke, no fire. Of course, you can always drown it with water.”
“Nah … I’ll pass on smoking.”
“Your call, but think about it. I could show you. So, what other skills or experience do you have?”
“I can type, but I’d have no way of knowing if I made a mistake. How would I know where the keys were for sure to position my hands? I can use all kinds of software, but not without seeing it.”
“We can solve the keyboard problem with a braille keyboard. You’ll have to learn it as soon as possible anyway – at least as much as you can. Synthesized voice can help with Excel and Word and PowerPoint, and so on. Did you ever take any lessons in something?”
“Dance lessons the whole time I was growing up – the usual: ballet, modern, tap. I was very good, but not pro-quality. I don’t think I could teach without seeing the students though. I can play the piano some but couldn’t make a living at it. That’s about it.”
”Okay, don’t be discouraged. We’ll figure something out.”
As I sat there sipping my coffee, I felt completely isolated. It were as though the world wasn’t there anymore, because I couldn’t see it. I might as well be at the bottom of a deep pit.
I tried to focus on the sounds and smells of the place. That helped bring me back to reality a little. I needed to pull myself together but I didn’t know what to do. I was scared. I was also less than I had been before. A lot less.
I had no one to lean on, no parents or relatives to go home to, no friends in this new city. Plus I didn’t want any friends to see me like this. Besides, I had a one year lease on the house I’d rented here.
I was stuck. I didn’t want to exhaust my inheritance for the dumb crimes – if you could even call them crimes - I was being punished for and I wasn’t sure it’d last me the whole year-and-a-half anyway. I needed a job.
With help from Rina, I made it home and she arranged almost everything in my house for easy, sensible blind access and identification. That took many hours. She made sure I understood how the new arrangement of my house was intended to help me find things. She put braille stickers on my clothes, appliance buttons, and anything else that seemed important.
Tomorrow, after some more getting-around-and-finding-things practice at Uptown Disability Services, someone would begin my braille training. When I learned enough, the labels would help me identify things. After my first braille training class tomorrow, Rina would take me grocery shopping. She did load the voice and braille software on my computer, and made sure I knew how to use it, even though I didn’t know braille yet.
“Okay, Alie. I have to leave now. Remember, when you hear the talking alarm in the morning, make sure you recall that you’re blind before you do anything. It’ll prevent some anguish, and keep you from tripping and getting hurt. Keep your cane near you at all times. I’ll come by at 8:30 to help you get to Disability Services, but after tomorrow, you’ll have to do it on your own.
“Oh … one more thing … keep your shoes on.”
“Why?”
“Trust me. You’ll run your toes into things all the time. Watch your shins too. If it gets too bad, you can pick up some soccer shin guards until you get better at not banging into stuff.”
And she left, though it was already 9:30 in the evening by then. I’d offered to feed her dinner, but she declined. I was horribly alone for the first time since I lost my sight. Since they took my sight, actually.
It was hard to believe everything that had happened that day.
With some difficulty, I made a very late dinner and I think I cleaned up adequately. I used my sense of touch to try to determine if the pans and dishes were cleaned, except for those I loaded into the dishwasher.
I tried to divert myself by messing with the computer for a couple hours, which did work. I actually turned the television on for the sense of company that the sound gave me. I finally got ready for bed at the usual time. My hair must have been a wind-blown mess, judging by the difficulty I had running a brush through it. I guess with all the other excitement, I hadn’t paid it any attention. I realized that, combined with my misaligned and wandering eyes, my hair must have made me look even more peculiar - probably crazed.
Maybe I should take Rina’s advice and whack it all off, I thought as I got into bed, carefully positioning my cane where I could easily find it. On the one hand, my appearance should be the least of my worries right now. But I care about it, I really do, in spite of the fact that I can’t see myself. Maybe that makes it more important …
I must have lain in bed for a couple of hours as my worries rolled through my mind, over and over. I didn’t know how I could even live day-to-day without sight, let alone get and keep a job. Maybe I could scrub toilets or floors – except that I’d miss stains because I couldn’t see them. I might be able to wash dishes, if I were careful not to cut myself on a sharp knife … somehow.
I’m not a bad person, I thought to myself. I did a few things that got me in more trouble than I deserved, but I’m kind and helpful and I’m a good friend. People have told me how approachable I am, in spite of the fact that they think I’m very pretty and might easily have developed a self-centered personality. I’m outgoing but not loud or abrasive. I worked hard in school and did well – I’m not spectacular, but I’m comfortably above average as a student. And I took it seriously.
As I lay there trying to get to sleep, I semi-consciously ran my hands over my breasts and tickled my arms with my fingertips in a poor attempt to relax. I wasn’t a very good blind girl, I thought – and I still thought of myself as a girl, though in the eyes of the world, I’m an adult woman of 22. Being blind has really thrown me for a loop, as my mother used to say. I’m drowning in self-pity and I don’t know what to do about it. For the second time in my life, I feel like the world has cheated me.
The first was when my parents were killed.
After a very long time, I managed to
cry myself to sleep.
**********
The talking watch woke me at 7:00 am. I couldn’t figure out who was talking at first. Of course, my first thought was that it was still the middle of the night, because of the darkness.
Then I remembered.
My first full day of blindness lay before me. The tension and stress it caused made me sick to my stomach. I had to get to the toilet. I reached for my cane, knocking it over, had to fish for it, and barely managed to get to the john before I threw up. Fortunately, there wasn’t much in my stomach.
I sat back, trying to settle down. I couldn’t believe it when I thought about it. They’d injected my eyes and blinded me with a laser! What kind of people become so politically correct about attending to the needs of the disabled that they’d punish another person so severely? Intentionally make a young woman blind!
I was feeling very sorry for myself.
Rina was coming in an hour and a half so I prepared what I thought I needed and got in the shower. Washing was no problem. I’d shaved yesterday, so I decided to let it go for today. I didn’t think shaving was going to be a problem, though: I mostly did it by feel anyway.
When I got out of the shower I had no idea how I was going to make myself presentable, let alone look anywhere near as good as I used to. I thought that my blindness was probably going to change me into an ugly duckling.
If I’m honest, based on what others have told me, I have nice features. My nose is perfect for my face, not small but well-formed and just the right size. I’ve always liked it. My lips are full, with my lower one slightly fuller, giving me a little bit of a pout. I smile a lot or, at least, I did before life crapped on me.
I have fuller eyebrows with an arch, which I’ve always meticulously groomed. They contribute to my innocent look. I have no idea how I’m gonna groom them now. My face is more or less oval with a medium complexion, slightly darker than most natural blondes. I’ve been told that I have a kind face, which reflects my nature. That may be true.
I have deep blue eyes, which some boys – men - have told me are my best feature. Now, of course, they’re probably my most disturbing feature. They don’t work and, according to Rina, they don’t align properly and tend to wander, seemingly on their own.
At 5’ 4” I’m not very tall, but my body is fit and slender, a little curvy, definitely not gaunt. My legs are a little longer than you’d expect compared to my petite body – if they were average proportions, I’d probably only be 5’1” or 5’ even. I think they’re my best feature. I have B-cup breasts and a flat stomach. I won’t win any big-busted competition, but my proportions are right.
As I’ve said my hair is very light blonde now, significantly lightened from its more medium-blond natural color. It’s cut in a just-past-chin-length, fashionable bob, with short, jagged bangs to above the middle of my forehead. I didn’t have bangs before I got much of it cut off, because people seem to like the look of my whole face. Because of that, when I got them, I had them done short. They’re pretty sexy, if I do say so.
My hair is mostly straight, but I’ve used a curling iron to get it to smoothly curve under since I got the bob – or I used to use the curling iron. I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t do that without seeing myself in a mirror. I tried it once in a room without a mirror and I made a mess of it. Now, I wouldn’t even be able to tell if it were a mess.
Of course, now that I’d already washed my hair in the shower, I was completely unsure what to do with it. I managed to comb it out – parted in the center as best I could tell – but I knew it was going to dry limp and lifeless if I didn’t do anything. I thought about pulling it back wet into a ponytail, but I didn’t really like to do that when it was even damp. I never was a ponytail fan anyway, even when it was long, and definitely not with the chin-length bob. So I fumbled around and got the dryer and tried to blow it dry while combing it with a styling brush, rolling it under in an attempt to get it to go that way.
When it was dry, it felt poofier on the left than the right. I suspected that it looked strange, but decided to wait and ask Rina before I pulled it back.
So far, I wasn’t doing too badly, I thought as I got dressed in shorts and a sleeveless top and I put on footsies and tennis shoes. I thought about makeup and rejected the idea. I like makeup. I don’t wear a lot: usually only liner, a little shadow, mascara, foundation and lipstick. I have more of a Cover Girl Cosmetics look than a Revlon or Maybelline look.
I decided I’d have to try mascara or my eyes would look not only crooked, but washed out. So I fumbled with it. Again, I’d have to ask Rina.
So far, I was feeling kinda proud of myself.
I managed to put waffles in the toaster, sort of butter them, and pour syrup. I made coffee with a Keurig and sat to eat my first blindly-cooked breakfast. The first of many, I knew.
But I’d done it.
Chapter 4 – Starting a New Life
Rina arrived right on time. I caned and felt my way to the door and let her in.
“Hi Alie,” she said, too cheerfully. I’d forgotten that I’m ‘Alie’ now. Oh joy. “It looks like you’ve gotten yourself around pretty well. Did you eat?”
“Yeah, I managed a coffee and a couple toaster waffles.”
“Mind if I smoke?”
“No, you don’t need to ask. I don’t mind. I’m glad for your help. There’s an ashtray in one of the kitchen drawers, I don’t remember which one.”
“Can you get it for me?”
I wanted to say, “You can see, go find it yourself.” But of course, this was more training for the newly blind girl. I caned my way into the kitchen, though I do know the layout pretty well without the cane, and found the drawers. I carefully felt around one after the other, trying to avoid slicing myself on something sharp. As I could have predicted, I found it in the last drawer I opened.
“I’m on the couch,” she said as I returned with it. I plopped in my recliner, which was at the short end of the coffee table that was in front of the couch.
“Want one?” She asked. Again.
“No thanks, I’m not gonna do that, no matter how much you think it’ll help me.”
“You shouldn’t knock it until you’ve at least tried it.”
“Not today.”
“Okay.” I could hear her puffing away. Yeah, my ears were sharper. “We’ll leave in a few minutes and you can lead me to uptown and the Disability Services building. I’ll be with you, but only to prevent mishaps. If you get us lost, you’ll have to get us unlost yourself.”
“Gee thanks.”
“No problem; just don’t get us lost in the first place.”
“I guess we’ll see.” Then I realized how stupid that sounded. “Ah … er …”
“I’ll see, you’ll tap. Don’t worry about phrases like that. English is full of them. Some of your sighted friends will use them, and then be embarrassed. You’ll have to get a thick skin about it.”
“That I can probably do. I need your help to evaluate how I did my hair and mascara.” I stood up and took a step towards her, then bent down where I thought she was. I felt her hand move my head a little to the right. She must have been looking at my mascara.
“The mascara is good. You could maybe use a little more on the outside corners. Otherwise, you did well. I guess you didn’t try liner …”
“I didn’t try anything else because I knew I’d mess it up.”
“Unfortunately, that’s a good point. You’re such a pretty girl that you look especially good with makeup – like you were wearing yesterday. I’d suggest that you seriously consider permanent eyeliner and lipstick, and learn to apply foundation and a little cheek color.”
“Permanent makeup? Really?”
“Yeah Alie, because you’re going to be blind for a long time. You should work very hard not to let yourself go. Keep yourself pretty, and you’ll feel better and be better overall.”
“When I can see again, I can go back to all that. In the meantime, who c
ares?”
“You will – oh, not today, but soon. Whether or not you know it, you’re used to having the world appreciate how you look, and how that couples to your pleasant disposition and your friendliness. You should strive not to lose any of that. If you do, reclaiming it, even after you’re sighted again, could be very difficult or maybe impossible. Let this experience improve you, not be your undoing. I can’t stress that enough.”
“I’ll never disregard or violate the Disabled Citizens Act again, I can guarantee you that.”
“Of that I’m certain too.”
“I’ll think about the permanent makeup.” I didn’t have any particular objections, and I sort of got her point. “Maybe you could suggest a place, since I’m new in town – and I’m blind, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
We both chuckled. Then I asked her about my hair.
“Ah ...,” she started, “the left side has a lot of body, but it’s kinda in your face. The right side is flatter on top and is flipping out at the ends. It’s sort of … ah …”
“Okay, I get it. I can’t do this with a dryer. I’ll make a pony tail.”
“That’s a cop-out,” she said.
“I don’t care, I should get at least one.”
“Think about a new style, I know a very good hairdresser – very chic, very talented.”
“Okay, I’ll think about it.” I was pretty sure she’d forget about it eventually. That went to show how little I knew Rina at that point in time. Turns out, she never forgets anything.
“Yeah, think about a new style, then you can discuss it with the hairdresser.”
I could have corrected her regarding what I was going to “think about,” but I didn’t bother.
“What do I tell people who ask about my blindness?”
“Huh?”
“Do I tell them it’s a sentence for Disabled Citizens Act violations, or make up a story, or what?”
“That’s up to you.”
“I’m asking for help here.” I said a little tersely.
Eighteen Months Page 7