by Jones, Isla
It almost sounded as though he was consulting with me, or at least trying to convince me.
Castle slid his gaze back to mine; there was a patient question in the hues of his eyes.
I just shrugged. “Whatever.”
Castle made a noise. I don’t know whether it was a sigh or a hmph.
“We should do something about the light,” I said. “It’s as dark as a coffin in here.” I waved my hand in front of my crinkled face. “It’s kind of stuffy, too.”
*
“Adam, you’re on front watch—you can take a mattress,” said Castle.
Adam didn’t seem to mind Castle assigning him to the shop-front. The deltas had decided to split up their sleeping areas in the building. That way, they had a better chance of hearing intruders or rotters around the perimeter at night.
Adam stretched his arms above his head. “Anything is better than being crammed in a truck with those two love-birds for a week.”
Vicki and Mac—who were holding hands—took a step away from each other. I smiled at Vicki’s ashamed expression. There was nothing, I thought, for her to be embarrassed about. Everyone knew that they were in love. There was no point trying to hide it.
“Mac,” said Castle. “You and Vicki can take the rear of the building. I believe there was a bedroom close to the back entrance?”
Mac inclined his head. “The master room,” he said. “One door down from the entrance.”
Castle glanced at me. Our eyes touched for a fleeting second, but I suspected that the shadows in his eyes were doubts—he wasn’t sure if I would camp with him now that others were around.
“I’ll take the lounge room,” said Castle, his eyes lingering on mine again before averting to Adam. “Which is the third and final entrance to the area, via the passageway.”
“What about Winter?” said Vicki.
My eyes widened and swerved to her. Before I took in her small smile and soft eyes, I’d mistaken her intentions to be cruel—to be something Rose would’ve said.
“Well, where will Winter sleep?” pressed Vicki.
My cheeks were aflame. I cleared my throat and looked down at Cleo in my arms. “With her,” I said. “Where else?”
No one spoke. It was uncomfortable.
I shifted on the spot—by the shed roller door—and turned my gaze on the Jeep parked inside. The others had driven a pick-up truck to the meet-up point; the same chipped blue pick-up truck I’d driven to the medical clinic in with Leo; the same one I’d driven back to the camp with Castle in the back. The one that was there for the day everything changed.
“Ok,” said Mac. He clapped his hands together. “Let’s get sorted, then. I’d rather eat before the sun goes down.”
Castle didn’t take his eyes off of me. I refused to meet his gaze, knowing I would burn a brighter red than ever before. And, I didn’t know what to say to him.
Adam checked his watch. “We have four hours before sundown.” He looked at the Jeep, running his gaze over the boxes tied on top of it. “If there’s food in those boxes, I will pledge eternal loyalty to you.”
Castle inclined his head, though his gaze still pierced through my temple. “Plenty,” he said. “Enough to last all five of us for another fortnight if we ration.”
Adam lolled back his head and laughed.
“The quicker we set up the base,” said Castle, “the quicker we eat.”
At Castle’s implied orders, everyone set to work—Vicki and Mac went straight to the vehicles to take the priority supplies inside (food, ammo, weapons, medical kits). Adam marched to the front of the shop to tidy up and set up a sleeping area.
And Castle—he waited for me to grab my bag from the Jeep before leading the way inside. He walked a few paces in front of me, and he said nothing, but the silence said it all.
I just didn’t have an answer for him.
*
Adam did great work of cleaning the kitchen.
As much as I loathe giving him a compliment, it was earned. The counters were free of dirt and grime, and the floors had been swept clean of dust. The square dining table was pushed against the wall, and in the middle of the kitchen floor was a small fire-pit. We could only use it when the window was open during the sunlight hours.
It was still day outside—barely—but the colder season ate away at the hours of light. Already, it had darkened inside and outside. I had lit candles around the kitchen—enough for each of us to take one—and combined with the fire, the kitchen had become my favourite room in the otherwise dark, dank building.
As we all sat in the kitchen, Vicki told of how she and Mac found Adam on the way to the meet-up point. They’d been pushed off the main road by a nest and had been forced down into small towns.
I tuned in and out of the story, switching between feeding Cleo pieces of my dinner—tinned beef stew—and glancing at the lovebirds. They were snuggled up on the couch taken from the lounge, and had a woollen blanket draped over them; Adam lazed on the armchair from the master bedroom, gorging himself on his second tin of custard; Castle and I sat at the two-person table against the wall, Cleo on the table-top, and Castle’s eyes on me. Whenever he thought I wasn’t paying attention, he looked at me. I suspected he wasn’t aware that I could feel the cool-touch of his eyes on my face.
“Who took the RV with the cargo?” asked Castle; his gaze finally wrenched away from me. “When I got to the vehicles, it was gone already.”
I frowned at him. “You and Leo were in the restricted RV when I’d gone to bed that night.”
“And afterwards,” he said, “we went to the barn to assess the sick. We were finishing up in the barn when the attack was launched against us.”
My lips pursed. In Castle-talk, ‘assess the sick’ meant ‘decide if they were worth taking with the group for the rest of the journey’. Would he and Leo have left them behind to die, I wondered? Or would they have put them out of their misery before we’d moved on?
“It wasn’t there when I found Vicki out back,” said Mac. His soft eyes moved to Adam, inviting him to explain.
We all looked at Adam.
“I saw it.” He licked the custard from his fingers. “I was on the roof, shooting the infectees and the others. Then, I saw it speed down a dirt road. I took that as my cue to abandon post and get to the vehicles.”
Castle nodded—he agreed that Adam did the right thing. And with that gesture, I was reminded of the complete lack of respect they had for human life. The survivors in our group had been expendable. I thought of the twin boys from the group; I’d never learned their names, but their faces would stay with me forever.
Mac stared at me. The look was easy to recognise; I stiffened before he’d even asked: “Leo went looking for you in the house and the camp—did … did you see him?”
As I bowed my head, loose strands of hair masked the pallor of my face. I shook my head, suddenly feeling sick. He had been looking for me. In the midst of an attack, he risked his life to search for me—and I repaid him by leaving him behind to be eaten alive by rotters.
Not to mention I kissed his best-friend.
A kiss wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t as though I’d slept with Castle. But there were worse things, sometimes, than kissing and sex. Things like the stir of affection I have for Castle. Feelings I don’t understand.
“I saw him,” I said; my voice might have been quiet, but it ricocheted around the room like a scream. Everyone listened. “I saw him go down.”
The deltas glanced at one another, eyes full of secrets untold.
“Leo is a survivor,” said Mac. “He’ll be all right.”
I got sick of everyone telling me I was wrong. I know what I saw, it haunts me every day, I dream about it, I cry over it. Instead of arguing, I simply swallowed back words and stared at the small fire in the stone-pit.
“Rose took my gun,” I said. It wasn’t an important detail, yet I itched to tell them. “She stole it when we were upstairs in the bathroom.”
&
nbsp; “What was Rose doing with you?” asked Castle, a frown on his face.
“I found her up there when I was looking for Cleo. Gretel was shooting out of the window, then she went down. I dropped my gun. Rose stole it and left. Maybe she took the cargo, too?”
Adam shook his head. “She was running into the trees when I got the cars. It couldn’t have been her. And if Leo or none of us have it, the defected deltas might.”
The only other options were James and Gretel. But they’d both died in the attack.
Castle ran his hands over his face. The force of his brewing rage touched me as he tried to rein it back in. They’d lost the cargo. Their mission had failed.
“What about Lisa?” I asked. “And Tatiana?”
I knew they weren’t deltas—Castle had told me as much, and they hadn’t been invited to the private meeting before the attack.
“Did they know about the cargo?”
Castle’s hands drifted from his face, revealing his bright green eyes. He considered me for a moment before his head dipped. “They didn’t know what it was, but I hope they do now.”
The room had shifted; even with the fire burning, coldness had crept in. The last hope of the mission rested on two outsiders, Lisa and Tatiana. Personally, I didn’t care a whole lot—I didn’t know what the cargo was or why it was so important. But in that moment, I suddenly felt as though I should care about the cargo.
It was almost as if all of our lives depended on it.
*
I stood in the doorway.
My eyes followed Castle around the living room as he pushed furniture against the unlit fireplace and walls. In the middle of the room, he’d set up two single mattresses. They were draped in pillows and blankets, but they weren’t pushed together like I’d thought they would be.
Cleo shoved her nose against the musky carpet and sniffed, her tiny paws prancing beneath her.
Castle reached his hand over his head and grabbed the scruff of his jumper; he pulled it off in one swift motion. The hem of his t-shirt rose, showing a slither of tanned skin. I wondered how much longer his tan would last.
As he unclasped his holster and kicked off his boots, he said, “You can take whichever mattress you want.” He tossed his holsters and guns onto the armchair. “If you want to sleep in another room, I’ll help you set up.”
“What happened, Castle?” My voice came out in a whisper; doubts I didn’t really want to voice, but couldn’t contain any longer.
Castle stilled. His back faced me.
My hand reached back and grabbed the handle. I closed the door, making sure no one overheard. “It’s different,” I said. “Why?”
Castle kept his back to me. I sometimes think it makes it easier for him to talk if he can’t see me. Castle is a man who needs strength to feel secure in this world. He needs to be unaffected, indifferent and cold. I am none of those things. To him, I am weak. In a way, he’s right. But that’s not what deters him, it’s not what frightens him. I frighten him; because his want of me makes him weak, too.
“I didn’t know how you’d want to act around the others,” he said.
“I can’t imagine why anything would change between us,” I replied. “Unless you want it to. Do you?”
Castle’s shoulders lifted; he was sighing, trying to find the words to mask what he truly wanted to say. Then, he turned to face me and I realised the mask he’d been looking for wasn’t of words. It was on his face, firmly over any emotion that might tint his marble eyes or tweak his stony face.
“You’re a distraction,” he said. His voice was sharp and arctic like icicles. “You were Leo’s distraction and now you’re mine.”
His words didn’t strike me. I’d gone numb all over.
I heard the hidden meaning: And look where that got Leo, look what happened to our mission because of you.
For a moment, however fleeting, I became what he so desperately fought to regain; unaffected, indifferent and cold.
He climbed onto the mattress closest to the fireplace. “Good-night.”
I stood there for a time, staring ahead at the wall. Then, I got into my own bed. “Good-night, Castle.”
15.
Adam, I decided, loved heights. I’d bet that, before the apocalypse, he was one of those strange adrenaline junkies who jumped out of planes for kicks and dangled off of bridges for a selfie.
Adam could be as adrenaline-addicted as he wanted to be. It had him assigned to watch-shifts most of the time. He was on top of the shop with a few cans of soda, beef jerky and his guns. I’m not sure we needed someone on watch at the meet-up point—the landscape was wide and clear; we’d see people coming without a guard on the roof. Though, I didn’t complain. It kept the asshole out of my way.
The days at the meet-point had been difficult. Adam only made it harder with his sneers and regular insults. The real challenge, however, was Castle.
At times, he drifted closer to me, made terrible jokes, and spent time with me. But then, he’d turn again, and distance himself like one would do a rotter. I was the rotter to him.
On the morning of the third day, I searched for Castle after leaving Cleo in the care of Vicki. She was tucked away in the study, reading Austen books.
I found him in the secret cellar with Mac, playing pool.
“Castle,” I said. He didn’t look up; he bent over the green-felted table—the same shade as his eyes—and aimed for a blue striped ball. “Castle, can I talk to you?”
“You can,” he said, then hit the ball. It slammed into the far-right pocket. He straightened up and grabbed chalk. “What do you need to say?”
My jaw rolled and I crossed my arms over my chest. “You said you’d teach me how to shoot.”
“Later,” he said. The dismissal in his voice didn’t hurt me—it enraged me.
My blood warmed beneath my skin and my veins tingled. “It’s been three days—” The words gritted out from my clenched teeth. “—and all you’ve done is play pool and poker. It’s daylight—now would be the time to teach me.”
Mac was uncomfortable. He wandered over to the dart-board and inspected the scores as if they were the most fascinating pieces of art he’d ever seen.
Castle placed the cube of chalk on the edge of the pool table. “I said later.”
Seconds passed where we just looked at each other. It was a challenge; who would back down first. I did. My gaze swerved to the stool by the wall. Castle’s triumph pushed through the air to me, but his pride silently gloated too soon. I hadn’t looked away out of intimidation.
Sometimes, his pride and ego made him into such a fool.
As he turned his back on me and made to take his second shot, I inched towards the stool. His parka was draped over it. My hand slid into the pocket—a skill I’d picked up on the streets—and when Castle straightened up again, I was by the small passageway, glowering at him.
“Anything else?” he said.
Mac still hadn’t taken his eyes off the dart-board.
“Nope.” My lips smacked together at the p and I crawled out of the cellar through the narrow passageway.
When I reached the lounge, I snatched my bag and pulled on my parka. My gaze drifted between the two single mattresses on the floor—they seemed even further apart now than they were on the first night.
I found Vicki where I’d last seen her.
The study was lit by a few candles stuck to the desk. She and Cleo were curled up on the hard chair behind the desk—only, Vicki wasn’t reading anymore. Her eyes were lost in their own world, glazed over and fixed on the shelf.
“Hey,” I said. My voice snapped her out of her reverie. “Wanna go into town?”
Vicki frowned and stroked Cleo. “For what?”
“Winter clothes,” I said, gesturing to the thin cardigan under my parka. “I’m freezing. And we can pick up a few supplies or whatever.”
Vicki slowly lifted Cleo from her lap and placed her on the desk—a patch cushioned with a blanket. “Who w
ill take us?”
“Oh, are you a child?” I asked, arching my brows. “Do you need permission to leave the premises? A babysitter?”
Vicki’s face hardened. It looked unnatural on her.
“Last time I checked,” I continued, “we were both grown-ass women, who don’t require permission—or protection—to go into town. It’s probably abandoned anyway. I doubt there will be any rotters here.”
Vicki sighed. “Is this about what’s going on between you and Castle?”
“What? No.”
Vicki gave me a steady look. “When Mac and I fight, I don’t go running off into dangerous situations on a whim.”
“It’s not a fight. I told you we’re not what you thought we were.” I raised my chin. “Besides, what’s the difference between you and me going into town, and Mac and you going into town? Nothing. So there’s no problem, is there? We’ll leave Cleo in the living room, we’ll take the Jeep, and we’ll be back within a couple of hours.”
Vicki’s lips twisted into a sad smile. She wasn’t coming with me.
Stepford Wife, I thought to myself.
“Whatever,” I said. “Watch Cleo for me. I’ll be back soon.”
*
I had to be quick.
There was something about Vicki’s smile that said she would tell the deltas where I was going. If they caught up to me before I snuck into the shed, they would stop me from leaving the premises. But if they were too late, and I’d already gone, they would save the lectures for when I got back.
They didn’t have a right to tell me what to do. Any one of the deltas could take a car and go for a drive, whether it to be in search of roaming survivors or supplies. So why couldn’t I? I wasn’t under their rule—they weren’t my leaders. I only tagged along for the ride.
Getting into the shed was the easy part. Adam didn’t have a view of the sides of the building; his view stretched out onto the open landscape and frosted trees. The roller door opened quietly. I climbed into the Jeep, holding the keys in my hand, the ones I’d stolen from Castle’s jacket pocket.