by Jones, Isla
“And if it is?” I said, picking at the dirt under my nails. I couldn’t look at him. The flush that swept over my freckled face gave away the shame washing over me. If Castle and I had anything in common it was that neither of us liked admitting to vulnerable feelings.
“If it’s what you want, I’ll talk to her.” His stiff tone told of his reluctance. Castle loathed those sorts of conversations.
I imagined Castle marching over to Zoe, telling her ‘I’m with Winter’, then walking away. Awkward, stiff and robotic. At the thought, a snort caught at the back of my nose.
Castle glanced at me, a question in the apple-green sheets he wore as eyes. I just smiled and tilted towards him. My head rested on his shoulder.
Castle didn’t welcome the affection. He didn’t return it. He never did.
We drove back to the shop, my head perched on his shoulder for the rest of the journey.
*
Castle pulled into the lot.
As we rolled over the dirt to the garage, I dropped my feet from the dashboard and squirmed on the chair.
“I need to pee,” I said. “Stop here.”
Castle stopped the Jeep and idled. “Are you armed?”
I patted the fully-loaded gun tucked into my holster. “Got a knife, too.”
I snatched my bag and hopped out of the car.
As I hiked up to the thin trees, I slung my bag over my shoulder and focused on my ankle. The pain had faded massively—the swelling had gone down and the discoloured skin had vanished. It was only my shoulder that still stung me now. Castle said that it would always be that way; ache in the cold, tight in the heat. It was a bullet-wound and those never really healed.
At the thought, I rolled my shoulder as if kinking out any knots. My boots crunched on the crisp grass that had frozen over from the chill of the air. Snow would come soon, I imagined. And the further east we travelled, the harsher the weather would become. First, we had to wait for the others. I was certain that our time at the auto-shop was almost up. We would have to move onto the next meet-up soon and wait—but for who?
What if the six of us were all that were left? Were we waiting on ghosts?
I’d like to think not.
A few minutes into the woods, I stopped and turned around. The outline of the auto-shop was faint through the white-tinted air and thin spread of trees. It was close enough to reassure me, but far enough that I would have privacy.
As I slid the bag-strap from my shoulder, the trees rustled from a cold breeze. I shivered and dropped my bag to the dirt. The breeze stopped—but the trees still whispered.
My brows furrowed as I strained to hear the faint noise. It wasn’t the trees, I realised; it sounded like someone speaking. It came from ahead, not far away.
Listening to the murmurs, I crept through the trees and scanned the woods—someone was out there with me. I reached a thin tree at the edge of a slope. Someone moved behind it; someone with coiled black hair and faded edges. I’d recognise that hair anywhere.
Zoe hadn’t seen me. She paced beside the tree, keeping out of my sight, and she talked to herself in low whispers.
I ducked behind a tree trunk and listened.
“Right at the broken tree,” she mumbled. “It’s not here. I—I tried.”
She was talking to herself. Zoe was nuts, I realised. How long had she been alone? I’d spent five months alone, yet I didn’t talk to myself. Then again, I’d talked to Cleo a lot, but it’s not the same … is it?
I stepped around the tree to draw nearer. Her words were muffled by the distance. As my boot touched down on the ground, a twig snapped beneath it. A sharp breath sucked in between my teeth. I stilled. My back pressed against the tree trunk.
Zoe had stopped mumbling.
A silence pressed down on the woods. Even the trees had stopped whispering. Then, footsteps crunched against the crisp grass—I snuck out from behind the tree and edged back to my bag. Just as I ducked down beside it, Zoe appeared ahead.
“Winter,” she said.
I faked surprise. I gave a squeaky cry and my head jerked up.
“Sorry,” said Zoe. Her lips swiftly spread into a half-assed smile. “Didn’t mean to scare you. I thought I heard someone up here.”
“Just me,” I said and unzipped my bag. “I didn’t know anyone else was here.”
A satchel was slung over Zoe’s shoulder. She patted it as she leaned against a tree. “I was tending to a visitor.”
I frowned and ran my gaze around the woods. Zoe laughed. “Not that type of visitor.”
“Oh.” The points of my eyebrows arched. “I have pads—do you need any?”
Zoe waved away my offer. “I’m always prepared.”
And crazy, I thought, but of course I didn’t say that to her.
A tight smile tugged at my lips and I stuck my hands into my bag. After a moment of rummaging around, I pulled out a roll of toilet paper wrapped in tin-foil. Before you judge me for it, you should know that aluminium foil keeps the toilet roll from getting dirty.
“Was Castle a good teacher?” asked Zoe. She still leaned against the tree, despite that I held toilet roll in my hand. It was damn obvious what I needed to do. Why was she still standing there? “Can’t imagine he’d have much patience,” she added.
A hum was my response. I stood up and hid behind a tree. Zoe didn’t take the hint—she stayed where she was and talked to me as I did my business.
“Castle never liked the other survivors—the ones like you.” Zoe’s tone wasn’t insulting; it was amused, as if she found the entire situation hilarious. I don’t believe for a second that any of it amused her. “He saw them as expendable. You can imagine my surprise when I learned of his relationship with you.”
I finished up and buttoned my jeans. As I emerged from the tree, Zoe’s dark eyes followed me to my bag.
“But he wasn’t the first, was he?” she said. The lightness of her tone vanished. All pretence was gone—Zoe was starting the conversation she needed to have, but with me. Castle was supposed to be the one she spoke to, not me. “If there’s anything I can say about Leo and Castle, it’s that they have the same tastes.”
Zoe ran her eyes up and down my body, and I knew she wasn’t impressed.
“I wouldn’t say we’re the same.” I dropped to my knees beside my bag and stuffed the toilet roll back inside. As I zipped it up, I added, “And it wasn’t like that.”
“Can I give you some advice?” said Zoe.
With a sigh, I looked up at her and waited.
“A post-apocalyptic world is no place for a love triangle.”
“Thanks,” I said, and got to my feet. “But I think I’m the wrong person for you to talk to about this.”
“You’re the exact person I should speak to,” she said. Her arms crossed over her chest; the sleeve of her leather jacket caught onto a button and pulled back. From the gap, the dark lines of a tattoo were revealed. It looked like the head of a snake.
“And why’s that?”
Zoe stared at me; her chocolate eyes had hardened into brown stones. A pause passed between us in which we just looked at each other. Then, her lips thinned into a pitying smile.
“I was with Leo at first too,” she said.
My stomach churned at the thought of Leo touching her—of touching anyone.
“Then, Rose came along with her smiles and spread legs,” said Zoe. “And she jumped into bed with him. Leo didn’t care—he tricks you with his charm, makes you feel safe with him, but it isn’t real.”
I’d once asked Leo if he’d been with Rose. Now that I thought about it, he’d told me ‘Rose has never been a priority of mine’, but he hadn’t denied it.
Had I been tricked by his charm?
I shifted on the spot. The pang in my chest demanded my attention, but I focused on Zoe.
“How did that lead you to Castle?” Curiosity and hesitation laced together in my voice—it came out in hitched whispers, as if afraid to hear the answer.
“Naturally, I confronted Leo about what he did,” said Zoe. “He laughed in my face—and it broke my heart. I’d never meant anything to him, but he’d meant everything to me. I wanted to hurt him, in any way that I could.”
“Castle’s his best-friend,” I said, understanding. “You thought that by sleeping with Castle, it would hurt Leo.”
“That was the original intention, yes. Though, Castle had more attention for me than I’d expected. We fucked on the regular.”
I flinched as if she’d slapped me. Her words didn’t strike out, but her tone did. Zoe was laying claim, marking a territory that she believed had once been hers. She might as well have saved us the time and just said it; ‘He was mine first.’
The image of children fighting over a good toy came to mind. “What happened?”
“The group was mainly government officials back then,” she said. “There were some survivors with us—not many, but enough for the dynamics to shift. I’m not one of the survivors,” she added. “I’m one of the original group; a part of the mission.”
I swallowed. My mouth was parched.
“Some of us began to argue amongst ourselves,” she said. “The mission caused tension in the ranks. I couldn’t stand it any longer. I wanted Castle to come away with me—just the two of us against the world. Story-book shit, you know?”
I shrugged. But I did know—I’d had that experience with him. Suddenly, I felt as though I had one up on her. Not that it was a competition.
“Castle chose the mission. The way he dismissed me … it was so much like Leo, without the laughter. A total indifference to how I felt. And that was it,” she said with a shrug. “I cared for them, and neither of them cared for me, although they’d convinced me otherwise.”
Zoe pushed herself from the tree and dropped her arms to her sides. As she stepped towards me, I fixed my bag strap over my shoulder.
“No matter how much you think Castle or Leo care about you—the reality is, they will kill you to save their own mission. You, to them, are worth nothing but sex. They don’t care about anyone. Not me, and not you.”
Zoe brushed by me and trudged away. Before she disappeared through the trees, she called back to me, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you when he breaks your heart.”
I watched her go. The fun I’d had that morning had been stomped on by Zoe.
I suddenly needed to find Castle. As I made to follow her, a crack came from behind me.
My feet almost tripped me over as I spun around. The trees encircled me, dead leaves and broken twigs littered the frosty ground. But there was nothing there.
It must’ve been an animal, I thought. And that’s the last thought I gave it as I hiked back to the shop, lost in my doubts of Castle and Leo.
*
Castle strode towards me. “You were gone a while. I was about to go find you.”
I sprawled out on the grass, Cleo chasing her tail at my feet. I’d been watching her; enchanted by the innocent contentment of the Chihuahua. She had been my source of company and entertainment for months, and when I’d thought she was gone, I had wanted to join her on the other side.
Castle stopped at my feet, beside Cleo. His hard eyes studied my face.
“Were you?” I said, meeting his gaze. “Were you going to look for me?”
Castle considered me. After a moment, he crouched down beside me. “That’s what I said.”
“But was it the truth?”
Castle said nothing. His elbows rested on his knees; his fingers met in the middle, tangling together. That was his tell—his fingers fidgeting. But what it told me, I didn’t know.
“I talked to Zoe,” I said. “She told me what happened between you two.”
“My relationship with her is not the one I have with you. Whatever Zoe said shouldn’t concern you. If you trust me, we won’t have an issue.” Castle followed my distant gaze to the trees ahead. As he watched them with me, he added, “If this is going to become the foundation of our relationship, let me know now.”
“Why? So you can walk away before the drama hits?”
With a sigh, he turned his eyes on me. The expression struck me. It wrenched the memory of the first time I met him to the forefront of my mind—the iciness of his glacier eyes, the tightness of his set jaw; the dangerous demeanour that clenched his muscles and smoothed any crease of emotion from him.
I couldn’t look at the stoniness of his face any longer. I turned my gaze on the trees again, watching the branches sway and touch for seconds in time.
“I made a decision,” said Castle. His voice matched his aura; simmering with caged danger. “I would prefer not to regret it, Winter.”
Castle-Translation: Don’t be a bigger distraction than you already are.
My gaze stayed on the trees. If I stared at them long and hard enough, it almost looked as though shadows moved between them.
“Zoe is smart,” he said. “She’s trying to get into your head, and it’s working. Don’t let her manipulate you like that.”
A shadow whizzed through the trees ahead. It resembled Zoe. My eyes were playing tricks on me. I rubbed them with my fists. When I dropped my hands to my lap, my eyes followed them. “How much longer will we stay here?” I asked.
Castle scratched his jawline. Stubble had grown there; pale and short. “Not much longer,” he said. “Another couple of days at most. The others should be here by now.”
“Unless they all died,” I said, picking at blades of grass. They reminded me of his eyes, green yet frosty.
“You’re morbid today,” he said. His hand reached out and hovered near my cheek. He made to touch me, but drew his hand back. “Didn’t release enough steam this morning with all the target practice?”
“Guess not,” I said. “Wanna release more steam?”
I looked at him from beneath my lashes; I was going for a seductive gaze. I probably looked cross-eyed. Not that it mattered, because it worked.
Castle took my hand and helped me stand. Cleo trotted behind us as we made our way to the house. But on the way to the bedroom, I dropped her off with Vicki—who had set up a den in the office with all of the books. Cleo didn’t need to witness what we were about to do.
Castle was on top this time.
I shouldn’t, but I compare it to what it would be like with Leo. That’s awful of me, isn’t it?
It’s not that I need to compare their skills; my own are rather ordinary. But with Leo, I would imagine it to be passionate. Lots of yanking clothes, bite marks, sweat and writhing—like something I would read in an erotic novel.
With Castle, it isn’t like that. It’s normal. Not in a bad way, but in a safe way.
The handful of times he kissed me on the bed, they were soft caresses grazing my skin. His body stuck to mine and moved slowly, keeping a pace—one that clutched us both.
His forehead rested on mine, his hands pressed into the mattress; his body curved over me like a shield. In the routineness of it all, there was sweetness to be found.
We weren’t porn-stars, we didn’t throw each other around in ridiculous antics. It was normal, it was safe, and it was sweet.
It was exactly what I needed, and I quickly found all of the little clues that Castle left for me to discover.
The clues were in the sweeping kisses that grazed my skin, the smoothness of his hands gliding along my arms to my hands, how his lips ghosted over mine. Through the daze of it all, I gathered the clues and I piled them together.
I’m not Zoe. I’m Winter Miles—and I think Castle loves me.
19.
Castle and I emerged for dinner.
Mac had made a huge pot of two-minute noodles. My lips puckered at the sight. Instant noodles do not agree with my stomach. Castle didn’t know that about me. He got us both a bowl of the chicken-flavoured noodles, then sat on the armchair. Vicki and Zoe fed Cleo at the dining table—Zoe kept side-eyeing me—and Adam sat with Mac on the couch. There was no other option than for me to perch myself
on the arm of Castle’s chair.
Before I’d even balanced the hot bowl on my legs, Cleo bounded off the table and raced towards me. Castle’s lap is where she chose to curl up. I’m certain he wasn’t comfortable with that, but he didn’t argue or nudge her off of him.
I shimmied closer to him and tucked my legs between his.
“Good day?” It was Vicki. Her knowing smile reached me from across the room.
I hummed neutrally. “It would be great if I could wash properly.”
That earned a ripple of agreement across the room.
The sweat and grime on my skin called for a bath. It was made worse after sex; water and rags just didn’t do the job, and we were all out of wet towels. I’m certain Zoe took most of them during her hundred-a-day trips to the woods to relieve herself. She had a weak bladder, I assumed, or the nervous poops. I couldn’t blame her. But I could blame her for using up all the wet towels. The dirt clogging my pores needed them.
I looked down at Castle and slurped noodles. As I chewed, I said, “I think we took the cabin for granted. I miss that lake.”
“Cabin?” echoed Zoe. “What cabin?”
“We stumbled across one in the state park,” I said. “That’s where we found most of our supplies. If we didn’t find that cabin, I doubt we would’ve made it here.”
Castle stiffened. I’d wounded his pride. “Yes, we would have.”
My eyes rolled and I shovelled more noodles into my mouth.
Vicki smirked between us. “Well, I think it’s sweet,” she said. “Just the two of you, hidden deep in the woods with only each other—”
“Also sounds like the setting for a horror movie,” Adam interrupted.
Through a mouthful, I said, “Given the whole end-of-the-world-crawling-with-rotters thing, I’d say we’re in one.”
Vicki stretched her arms above her head. “So you two were in the forest,” she said, gesturing her head to Castle and I. “And we—” She dropped her hands and waved to Mac and Adam. “—were pushed further south. What about you Zoe?”