“I think that’s him,” Aamon said, pointing to a distant queue of the departed.
“I’ll pull him,” Barbatos said. “I need the walk.” He strode through the pulsing throng, shoving people out of the way. He approached a tall slender man and held up a picture beside his head. Pretty close.
“Are you Baldur?” he asked the man.
“My name is Baldur.”
“Come with me. Now.”
No problem, thought Baldur. Apparently, he was in the “pierced with hot flaming swords” line with a bunch of neo-Nazis. Must have been a slip-up.
He tagged along behind Barbatos and looked at the various queues. The pushing the rock up the hill until you almost make it but it rolls back over you line. The bend down to get a drink of water for your great thirst but the water recedes so you can get it line. The have your organs pecked out by ravens and owls line.
“Lilith brought back some of the classics,” Barbatos intoned. “Some of my cohorts like the back-to-basics, but me,” he said. “I would just assume drink some chardonnay and talk to some people from Egypt. Not modern day Egypt,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Ancient Egyptians. They are truly a fascinating lot. The stories they tell-“
They arrived at a giant majestic blood-red door. Barbatos pushed the button by the frame.
“Who dares approach the Gates of Inferno?” the voice from the speaker emitted in its best evil rumble.
“I am Barbatos, one of the unworthy servants of this dominion,” he grunted, rolling his eyes.
“What is your purpose?” the voice inquired.
“My purpose is to serve the Queen of Hell, the Master of this Domain, the Ruler of the Underworld, Lilith,” Barbatos said listlessly. “I hate all this pretentious crap,” he muttered under his breath.
“Have you completed your task, Barbatos the unworthy, the jackal, the scum.”
Receptionist on a power trip, Barbatos thought. I wonder is there are any openings at Starbucks. I’d rather be a barista than have to listen to this crap. “Yes,” he answered.
“Then enter, but don’t thouest forget your unworthiness.”
“Yadda, yadda,” Barbatos muttered again and shoved Baldur through the open door.
Lilith had redone the offices in middle 70’s S&M pit. Lots of whips, chains, and related torture devices, with a healthy collection of classic torture chamber devices including a gigantic rack.
“That looks new,” Barbatos said in sarcastic surprise.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” Lilith exclaimed, stepping out of her office. “It’s the brazen bull! Cast from bronze with a series of complicated tubes. You put the unrepentant into it, stoke up a fire underneath, and roast them alive. The tubes make the poor bastard’s screaming the sound like the bellowing of an ox. What do you think, Barbatos?”
“Seems like it should be called the brazier bull instead. Can you do ribs in it?”
Lilith eyes flared and she snapped her cat-o-nine tails into Barbatos groin. He clutched himself with both hands, briefly checking to make sure all parts were still attached.
“Out, dog.”
“Yes ma’am,” Barbatos said, backing out slowly, protecting his crotch. “Good luck, buddy,” he said to Baldur, and turned and dashed out.
“Smartass minions,” Lilith said. “It’s time for an intensive re-training period.”
She led Baldur into her office and indicated the chair where he should sit. Baldur looked around at the walls. There were a few framed photos on the walls, mostly of Lilith shaking hands with different people. “Who are these individuals?” he asked her.
“Oh, those are all Popes,” Lilith laughed. “I just love the delicious irony. It tastes like honey to me, I suppose. You’re wondering why we’re having this impromptu get-together. There’s a little something I need you to do for me, Norse god. A mission of sorts.”
“Mission?”
“Yes, Baldur.” She picked up a file off her desk. “Baldur, I think you are aware that my ex, Lucifer, is involved in an attempt to kidnap someone from Heaven?”
“Lucifer? Are you serious? No, he was just a guy that lived with us and spent a lot of time in a tequila bottle.”
“Oh, I’m quite serious. I’ve had a few of my spies nosing around Earth, and it’s my understanding that he has recruited your Norse buddies to help him out.”
“Why do you care? You’re the Queen of Hell.”
“Ah, yes I am,” Lilith stretch languorously. “It’s what I’ve always wanted. Tormenting mankind for all eternity. It’s such a great feeling!” She leaned back in her swivel chair. “Do you know my story?”
Great Valhalla, Baldur thought. She’s as windy as Lucifer. Must come with the job.
“Jehovah created Adam and me in the beginning, but Adam, that sanctimonious bastard, never thought I was his equal. “We are made from the same dust,” I would tell him. “Nonsense,” he would answer. “I am the Man in Mankind. Duh.” He was such an arrogant prick, but since he was the only man in town and the great Jehovah had given me a massive sex drive, I had to stick around just for the sex. But one time I got on top, which he took for an attempt at me to dominate him, and he kicked me out on my ass and took up with his beloved Eve. I sorely hate that man. So I flitted around, tormenting the sons and daughters of Adam for some time until Lucifer made me an offer that I couldn’t refuse. So I ended up down here helping him in the major torment business.” Lilith sighed. “But Lucifer got bored with it and I turned into a bit of a nag until finally he came up with this harebrained scheme of his.”
Baldur had mentally drifted off. Bring on the flaming swords, he thought. Please.
“I’m not complaining. After all, I get to rule Hell now and it’s everything I dreamed it could be. But...” she paused dramatically.
Baldur started awake. Was it over? Great! Back to the swords.
“If I could get Eve away from her cushy place in Heaven, the place she stole from me, I could get back at Adam, and by doing so I could spoil Lucifer’s plan of world domination at the same time as well.” She stopped and expelled her breath loudly. “That would be like the Mt. Everest of Torment. The Big Kahuna. The trifecta of bittersweet justice. And that’s where I need your help.”
“How?”
“Baldur, I could run to Heaven myself and grab Eve up and get it over with quickly, except that I can’t leave this place. These lazy bastards would turn on me in a second so I have to keep a tight reign on them. Get it?”
“Unfortunately.”
“So I need you, Baldur. I’ll give you the map and a couple of henchmen and you can go get her for me.”
“Why should I do that?”
“This Ragnarok thing that I know you are so concerned about. I’ve been mulling it over a bit and I want to help you avoid it. We’re not ready such a large rush of people coming here. We’re barely keeping our heads above water as it is.” Lilith chuckled at herself. “If you can take care of this for me, I’ll personally send you back to the land of the living and your Norse friends, therefore avoiding the first prophecy and putting off Ragnarok forever.” She smiled broadly. “So, what do you say? What do you have to lose?”
Baldur agreed. Anything to shut her up.
***
“Thanks for getting us off that shitty detail we were on,” Barbatos said. “Aamon and I really appreciate it.”
“Not a problem” Baldur said. “Do you know where we are going?”
“I have the book,” Barbatos said, holding up the gold-covered tome.
“I have our lunch,” Aamon said, holding up three brown bags.
“Bologna again?”
“Beats the deviled ham. I don’t want to know how or where she gets that glop.”
The threesome trudged down the concrete parking lot. “This is my first time in North Dakota,” Aamon said, munching some cookies.
“This is your first time anywhere,” Barbatos reminded him. “This looks like the place.” He sat down on the bench in front of a rock obe
lisk. He held up the golden book, matching the coordinates with the brochure.
Baldur read the plaque on the obelisk. “Geographical Center of North America, Rugby, N.D.” He looked around. “Seems like a very important landmark to be in a gas station parking lot.”
“Looks like they had to move it when they widened this highway,” Barbatos said, reading from the brochure. “Anyway, they don’t count Central America in their calculations, so it’s all just one big bogus tourist trap. Are you guys ready to take the plunge?”
“Maybe we should eat first,” Aamon said. “I don’t think this bologna is going to last me for an entire nefarious mission. Let’s get some breakfast. I like breakfast.”
Barbatos checked the brochure. “Cornerstone Café sounds good.”
Aamon had the #4, the eggs, hash, and toast and Barbatos wolfed down the #5, sausage patty, eggs, and pancakes. Baldur passed on the breakfast, for obvious reasons.
Barbatos leaned back, scratching his bloated stomach and picking sausage out his teeth with his long pinky-nail. “I haven’t had grub like that since the Lucifer bailed out.”
“Listen,” Baldur said. “I understand that you guys have been around a long time?”
“Since close to the beginning,” belched Aamon. “We followed Lucifer’s siren song all the way to the fiery pit. He is one sincere sonofagun and damned hard to resist.”
“So why are you working against him?”
“Lilith’s the boss,” Barbatos answered. “She possesses the tools of power. That gives her control over us.”
“Even on Earth?”
The minions looked at each other. “Well, I suppose. I mean, that’s what we all assumed.” Silence hung in the air. Aamon motioned for more coffee. “Do you think that we are out of her nefarious grip?”
“We could finally eat some good food on a regular basis.”
“What about you, Baldur?”
Baldur thought about it for a second. “According to the prophecy, the first thing that happens to kick off Ragnarok is my death and the inability of the Aesir to free me from the bowels of Hell. Clearly, I’m dead, but on the other hand, I’m free from Hell at this point.”
“This is the kind of thing you probably need an eschatological lawyer for,” Aamon commented.
“Indeed,” Baldur said. “So the question is, should I stay or should I go?”
Barbatos looked at Aamon. Aamon put a finger to his lips, shhhing him. Barbatos was a huge Clash fan and would burst out in song if not held in check. They left the restaurant in high spirits.
Baldur leaned back on the bench and looked to the sky. Montana might be called the Big Sky State, he thought, but it is just as beautiful here. As cold as my native Scandinavia, but without the frigid fjords and, let’s face it, the good-looking blonde Valkyries that I used to enjoy. Death changes a god’s perspective. A cold breeze came up, chilling him to the bone. “Gentleman,” he said. “I think I’ll just stick around here for awhile. Care to join me?”
The demons both grinned broadly. “Lilith is going to be so pissed,” Aamon chuckled.
Chapter 49[49]
Lilith was so pissed.
Her not so loyal minions were cringing as she flailed her whip randomly, nicking and snipping off pieces of the help.
“Those assholes!” she shouted. “What happened to them? Why is this happening to me? I’m a good boss, right?”
The nodding came back to her fast and furious.
“Why aren’t they responding to my commands now?” she yelled at them. “Aren’t I Lord and Master of this entire Domain and all its cursed inhabitants?”
“ANSWER ME! You, the one cringing behind the potted plant. Yes, you. I know you worked for Lucifer. Tell me what is wrong.”
Teeraal was a precise and meticulous demon and had been in charge of the Babylonian division of Terror. His giant man-headed thirty-six eyed being had won a number of demon of the month awards, but when the Greeks took over the area, Teeraal became yesterday’s news, so Lucifer enlisted him as his aide-de-camp. He was the ultimate insider here in Hell, but the loss of his mentor Lucifer had reduced him to just another paean. He thought about whipping up his former persona, just to try to get a psychological edge on this crazy woman in charge, but he couldn’t muster up right combination of mental contortions. He sighed and stood up.
“I am Teeraal. The symbols of power, the scepter and the crown, can only control the demons within the boundaries of this great demesnes. Once a demon leaves the perimeter, it’s Katy bar the door.” He ducked back behind the potted plant.
“I see,” Lilith said. “Nice to know that NOW.” She flicked her whip at Teeraal, catching part of his ear. “Is there anything else you need to tell me?”
Teeraal whimpered.
“Perhaps Belphegor could help?”
The small group turned and looked at Belphegor and groaned. For the gazillionth time, here comes the married happiness story was their collective thought.
“Many years ago,” Belphegor began, “Me sent to Earth to find out about happiness of being married.”
A groan arose and you could almost feel the mental force fields rising quickly and snapping into place.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Lilith said. “So what’s your point?”
“My point, Royal Vileness so succinctly has put, is this. I have been to Earth and saw the horrors of love and marriage.” He shuddered dramatically. “Me shared intimacies with countless human women.”
“Braggart,” Teeraal mumbled.
“I desire not to live among them, witnessing firsthand sheer terror of the man and woman relationship. Me perfect one to send, as no desire to stay have I. Send me, oh Great Queen, to accomplish great task for you.”
“Belphegor, you are an ass-kisser after my own heart,” Lilith said. “But you’re a demon, and thus, a potential traitorous bastard, no matter how sincere your brown-nosed blather seems. Teeraal?”
“Yes, my most unwholesome Monarch?”
“What would happen if I took the scepter and crown with me to Heaven?”
Someone gasped. Pupils dilated quickly. Even Belphegor took a step back.
“Uh, well,” Teeraal stammered. “Uh, that, a, might not, well, be, good.”
“And why not?” Lilith demanded.
“No real reason,” Teeraal said. “It’s just that, well, it’s just unheard of!”
“Hear it now then, servant of mine. I, Lilith, will storm Heaven, wearing my crown and wielding my scepter. I will snatch Eve from beneath the very nose of the so-called God of the Jews, and I will torment her in the very pit that he deigned for me! So let it be written, so let it be done!” She turned on her heel and marched back to her office, flush with the anticipation of great glory.
The stunned group looked at each other. This whole thing was taking a wide turn into the uh-oh lane, movies quotes and all.
“I have a very bad feeling about this,” Teeraal said.
Everyone agreed.
Chapter 50[50]
“Clear the way for the Queen of the Eternally Damned!”
Lilith’s big and brutish bodyguards formed a wedge and cleared the way through the masses of poor souls that were making their final trek to oblivion. Angry words were exchanged, but spiked fists and pointy elbow pads prevailed and Lilith and her entourage made their slow ascent through the portal on their way to Heaven.
At the gates of Abraham’s Bosom, the entourage blocked the throng as Lilith ascended gracefully up a ladder and landed cat-like on her feet on the other side. Belphegor followed shakily, carrying the velvet-lined case that held the scepter and crown of Hell. Straddling the top of the wall, the minions pushed the ladder toward him and he clumsily propped it up on the far side. The first few steps down the rungs went okay, but he got tangled up and plummeted back first to the hard concrete floor. The case skittered away from his grasping fingers. “Fool!” Lilith cried, grabbing the case and caressing its blood-red hide cover. “I should have left you behind.”
“Yes, my Queen,” Belphegor agreed.
“Now see if you can walk and grovel at the same time,” Lilith ordered. They ascended the golden stairs and stepped out of the station into the dry, temperature-controlled air of Heaven. Lilith breathed in deeply and fell into a harsh coughing jag. “Damned clean air,” she complained. “Belphegor, my scepter.”
He clicked open the clasps of the case and gently lifted the scepter from its place. It was short for a symbol of power, only three feet long, and was tipped with iron snake wrapped around the head of the pole. The staff was encrusted with jagged clusters of cubic zirconium, a sarcastic jab from Jehovah to the disgraced Lucifer. It throbbed with malevolence. Belphegor wished for very thick rubber gloves. He shoved it toward her.
Lilith took it in hand and rubbed it lovingly. “Let’s help Momma,” she cooed to it. “Scepter, scepter, in my hand. Aid me in my evil plan. For this task to be achieved, help me locate Adam’s Eve. How was that?” she asked Belphegor.
“You a regular Spike Milligan.”
She ignored him and swung the scepter briskly, Willie Mays-style. She could feel the vibration start in her hand and it sent delicious tremors all the way to her toes. The cubic zirconium flashed briskly, a rotating pattern, then abruptly all motion and light stopped. She felt the scepter tug her forward. “This way!” she cried.
“An infernal divining rod,” Belphegor thought, gathering his things. “Handy.”
They trekked through the quiet streets of Heaven. Lilith’s long robe flowed behind her, occasionally catching a stray candy-bar wrapper or some other piece of trash, but she appeared otherwise very majestic. Belphegor struggled to keep up, his hooves getting caught in the cobblestone streets. He noticed that everything seemed closed. A holiday or out of business?
“Here we are,” Lilith announced. They were standing in front of a California style cabana. She pushed opened the gate and strutted up the path. Belphegor could hear her evil cackle which she had prepared in advance for just such an occasion. He had to admit, it was pretty damned chilling.
There was no door on the front, so they stepped directly into a large front room. “Oh, Eve!” Lilith called. “You have visitors!” Movement came from the kitchen and Eve appeared in all her glory. Stunning in no way described her. In fact, you could flip through the most comprehensive thesaurus in the universe and not come up with the right word to describe her. Well, well, well, Belphegor thought. No wonder Lilith is so jealous. I would dump her skanky ass for Eve as well. He shut the thought out of his mind. There’s no telling what setting she had that fool scepter on. He wasn’t in the mood for a flogging.
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