In The Lap Of The Gods

by John B. Hendricks

  “How does this tie in with Lucifer ascending into Heaven?” Absalom asked.

  “Maybe he left some stuff there that he needs,” Fat Boy said. “Joe, is there like a mini-storage in Heaven for fallen angels’ left behind items?”

  “Interesting,” Joe said. “But we pretty much tossed that stuff in the garbage.”

  “So if Lucifer can’t conquer Heaven,” Absalom said. “And all of his stuff has been dumped, what is he going back for?”

  Joe slapped his forehead. “What does everyone always remember and when they get older, what do they deify in their pantheon of things that were better way back when?”

  Fat Boy scratched his head. “Major league baseball?”

  Joe pierced him with his cold-blue laser eyes. “First love,” he said. “He’s going back for his first love, Eve.”

  “In-a-godda-da-vida,” Fat Boy said, looking at Absalom. “Again.”

  Chapter 58[58]

  Jehovah poured himself another cup of coffee and wished he had a big pile of cinnamon rolls to dig into. His sweet tooth ached when it was time for some serous decision-making. The unexpected arrival of the Remusians had given him an idea, an unthinkable idea that had given him pause.

  Should I save Mankind or let them go? After all, they are on the back end of their shelf life anyway. Nuclear war, virulent disease, or global warming is going to be finishing them off soon enough. Why postpone the inevitable? He looked at Fat Boy and sighed, but when he looked at Absalom, a faint smile drifted onto his lips. He could see the things that he was proud of in the man. Dedication poured from him like flames. However, in the end, Jehovah thought, he would turn on me, just like the others. Absalom’s higher causes would always revert to the ones around him, and not some distant Creator who toiled in the misty days of pre-history. I should have stayed involved, he thought. I should have started the savior business much earlier, got in front of the inevitable parting of the ways between deities and their progeny. Now it’s too late.

  Then it came to him. This situation had opened up a prophetic loophole. Let the Remusians finish their work, eradicating mankind and leaving a blank slate. There would still be still the trees, the koalas, and his other good creations. Then he and his Angels would swoop down and send Lucifer back to where he belonged along with all the other ungrateful bastards of the Earth. Finally, he would put together the perfect human, but this time mankind would be docile and obedient, hardwired to worship. No more free will or any such claptrap. It was time to knuckle down, for mankind’s own good of course. And he would live among his new creations, drinking in that adoration. A new direction.

  Thank you, Lucifer, he thought. You’re doing the Lord’s work for a change.

  He got up and turned on the decrepit television on the counter. A few adjustments to the foil on the rabbit ears brought in a slightly viewable picture of panicked newsreaders and horrid man-on-the-street and television expert interviews.

  “Is this the October surprise that everyone’s been looking for?” one pundit queried. “With falling poll numbers and a divided nation, could this President be helped by an alien attack?”

  “Joe?”

  Jehovah turned and saw Absalom and Fat Boy standing by the door. “You leaving?” he asked

  “Yes,” Absalom said. “We need to get back and get ready for the inevitable.”

  “And go down fighting,” Fat Boy said, waving the PPK. “I’m taking a few of those alien bastards with me, to avenge all those who have been rectally probed.”

  “Did it ever occur to either of you,” Jehovah said. “To ask for, perhaps, divine assistance?”

  “What?” Absalom asked. “You mean from you?” Why bother? In the Old Testament, you were helping with pillars of fire and plagues of locusts. The last time I looked, the final entry in the Bible was two thousand years ago. What have you done for us lately?” Absalom’s eyes were puffy with pain. “What about my wife? Where were you when she was killed? Did she need to die, you heartless bastard.” He stepped over and smashed the surprised Joe square in the jaw. He tumbled over the table and crashed to the floor. Fat Boy grabbed Absalom, pinning his arms.

  Joe rubbed his jaw gingerly, working it back and forth, as he eased to his feet. “Do you feel better now?”

  “Some,” Absalom said.

  “Good,” Joe said. “Mankind’s been rolling over and taking one from me for a long time. You’re probably reflecting public sentiment these days and maybe that’s a good thing. Pretty good punch.”

  Absalom was stilling breathing heavily. His anger was fading and he just wanted away from this house. The three of them stood staring at each other.

  Enoch stuck his head in through the back door. “Listen fellows, all this posturing and manly displays of testosterone are well and good, but I owe Elijah on a bet and he says I have to pay now since it’s likely that the Remusians will destroy most of the Earth in the next month or so. Are you guys up for some wings?”

  Fat Boy laughed. “Elijah and Enoch? The two prophets foretold in Revelation are inviting us for chicken wings?”

  “You can look at it as a pre-Armageddon strategy session,” Enoch said. “Oh, and Elijah says make sure you bring the Book of Kells with you. Apparently, it’s integral.”

  Joe wondered if that was a good thing for him or a bad thing. He would find out soon enough.

  Chapter 59[59]

  “Hey, I didn’t think draft beer was included in this bet,” Enoch complained.

  Elijah finished off another pint and motioned to the waitress. “Your money won’t be worth much soon,” Elijah reminded him. “You might as well spend it while there’s a government to back it up.”

  Surprisingly, Hooters was pretty full. The world’s coming to an end, Absalom thought, and people are still concerned about big breasts and lunch.

  Fat Boy was pouring over the Book of Kells, trying not to get any wing sauce on the pages. He daubed at his fingers with the provided towellete. “Fantastic,” he said. “This truly is a work of art.”

  “How did that hole end up in the basement?” Absalom asked Joe.

  Joe answered. “Sometimes astral events cause a few problems with the portal that runs between Heaven and Earth. An asteroid sheared this one. The tube contracted and jammed up wide open on Earth not too deep into the ground. Raphael or someone sealed it up, but eventually the whole area went subdivision like a lot of places do, and someone dug a basement right on top of it.”

  “We rented the house a few weeks ago,” Elijah said. “and waited around for someone to show up. And abracadabra, there you were.”

  The group sat quietly, pulling meat from bone and not worrying about what people thought of them licking their fingers. Horrific images filled the television screens; metallic androids grabbing women, children, and babies, throwing them into long metal transports, stacking them like firewood.

  “Isn’t this bothering you any?” Absalom asked, pointing at the screen. “Aren’t all of these your children?”

  “Oh, yeah, it’s tearing me up inside,” Joe said absently. “I just hold everything in. Trust me, it’s turmoil all the way through me.”

  Absalom wasn’t sure if he was buying that. Joe seemed indifferent, unconcerned, and cool as a cucumber.

  “Your wife died, you said,” Joe said. “When did that happen?”

  “Don’t you know when every sparrow falls?” Absalom shot back.

  “It sounds very poetic and caring, but no, I have no clue when a sparrow dies. In fact, I have no idea how many sparrows die in a year, much less when a particular one dies. Hey, did you ever notice that the air is full of birds but that you rarely see a dead one on the ground? That was an idea that I had one day when I was getting a massage-

  “If you don’t care, why should I?” Absalom interrupted. “We’re all meant for the flies anyway, so why should I care if it’s now or then? Your very existence shows me that there is an afterlife, so the sooner I kick off, the quicker I can see my Evangeline in Hea
ven, and we can walk off into the eternal sunset together.”

  “Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out,” Joe said. “You’re selfish, but consistent, just like a true man should be. I hope you realize yours is the kind of attitude that pushed me toward the Big Flood. Let me give you a hint, youngster. It’s not looking quite that cut and dry.”

  “Why is that?”

  “If your former collaborator Lucifer takes up the mantle of Heaven, he’ll have control of everything. If he gets the malevolent urge, he can kick everybody out of the City Of God and send them all with a one-way ticket to Hell. Lucifer will be like a teenager with the keys to the family Jaguar. Are you up for your wife having her liver picked at by giant ravens?”

  Absalom cursed.

  Jehovah nodded. “Here’s the thing. You have no use for me, and trust me on this one, not too many people do. I’m mischaracterized, maligned, and marginalized. But keep in mind, I hold no ill feelings and have no interest in blipping people away after they are dead. I had great intentions, Absalom. A little worship, a little afterlife torment when people didn’t live up to expectations, but then a hearty welcome back into my celestial bosom. I gave everyone the opportunity for eternal happiness and they chose not take it!” Joe slapped his hand on the table. Absalom jumped. Enoch and Elijah didn’t even look up.

  “I want to make things right,” Joe said, calming quickly. “But it looks like I need your help.”

  Absalom said. “Okay, but what can I do?”

  “Lucifer can’t actually be killed,” Joe said. “He’s a necessary evil, if you forgive the pun. Without bad, you can’t know good, and vice versa. That was a hard lesson I learned. However, he can be prevented from carrying out more of his malicious intentions.”

  “How’s that?”

  “A chain, Absalom. Lucifer can be bound and his reign of terror can be ended.”

  “What kind of chain could hold Lucifer?”

  “One forged in the smelting pot of goodness. One fabricated with the purest of thoughts and the purest of intentions. A chain of love.”

  “I guess we could just nip down to the local mall and pick one up?” Absalom asked.

  “There’s a lot of work to be done in a short period of time,” Joe responded. “And failure is not an option.”

  “Is it ever?” Absalom said.

  “We need to get moving,” Joe said. “The chain is going to be next to impossible to find.”

  “Here it is!” shouted Fat Boy. “I have the answer!”

  “Or maybe not,” Joe said, wondering which direction Synchronicity was going to take this whole lumbering Frankenstein of a situation.

  Chapter 60[60]

  “The Book of Kells was put together around 800 ACE,” Absalom told the group. “But it was stolen, the cover was torn off and apparently pages were ripped from the back. However,” Absalom looked at Fat Boy who was grinning triumphantly, “circumstances have changed a bit and we’ve been able to get the book before it was damaged.”

  “The missing pages,” Fat Boy said, “appear to be a copy of a letter or journal entry written by St. Servatius. They were probably ripped out after someone in the hierarchy of the Church read them and the monk that copied that part was probably exiled to the home for crazy heretical hermits.”

  “This is the testimony of Servatius,” Fat Boy read, his voice smoky and thick, mirroring how the restaurant was getting to be. It looked like all the ex-smoker’s were lighting up with a serious what-the-hell-the-earth’s-gonna-end-soon-anyway attitude.

  “I saw a great flame fall from the sky, burning the grass in a field just away from my home. Grabbing my scythe, I warily walked to the edge of the flames. In the midst of the conflagration, I saw the black form of a being. Fearing it was Satan himself, trying to draw me into his infernal realm, I crossed myself to ward off the evil eye. The being arose and looked at me. He held a black box and he thrust it toward me, staggering on charred legs, and to my surprise wings sprung from his back, aflame. He dropped the box and my feet and fell back into the flames where he was consumed.

  Inside I found a chain of the purest silver. I touched it in awe, and cried great tears, for it was all love. I continued to weep as I hid the box with the chain nestled within beneath the floorboards of my home. I prayed deeply and decided to tell no one of this miracle from the sky.”

  “On occasion, I wore the chain hidden beneath my tunic. Some days, it made me feel like the best of men, proud, loyal, and devoted. Other days, it made me feel like the worst of men, bitter, angry, and selfish.”

  “In my role as guardian of the Church, I made a pilgrimage to the Holy City of the Vatican and after I was done eating at one of the fine restaurants, St. Peter appeared to me. Whether it was a vision or a true manifestation, I don’t know, owing to the large amount of Chianti that I had consumed with lunch.”

  “St. Peter spoke to me of many things, including the difficulty of finding good sandals in his size and need for a daily periodical in Heaven, and he revealed to me that things were getting ready to go bad in Rome and that it would be best if I left town. I heeded his advice and fled to Holland.”

  “When I arrived in my native land, I found a pair of keys in my pocket, one of silver and one of gold. I had been blessed with a gift from St. Peter! I could not actually remember him giving them to me, although I do recall crawling on my hands and knees back to the hotel after my encounter, probably overwhelmed by his spiritual presence.”

  “Overwhelmed by a drunken stupor,” Elijah interjected.

  “But after I arrived in my beloved Holland, I fell ill and became full of fear and angst,” Fat Boy continued reading. “Perhaps I was too unworthy to be the owner of such holy objects and was being tested or perhaps it was the Italian food I had grown so fond of in Rome. I put the keys in the black box alongside the chain and clutched it to my chest and scrawled these words on paper so the Church would know my story and perhaps keep me in mind when people were being nominated for sainthood.”

  “Kind of like an ad in Variety for the Academy Awards,” Enoch said.

  “In my dreams,” Fat Boy resumed. “I see Heaven and I speak with its inhabitants. They seem friendly enough, and I hope to be joining them, though not in the near future.” He stopped reading. “That’s it.”

  “Those keys, one gold and one silver,” Joe said. “One is to open the pearly gates and the other gives you the absolute legal and holy authority to forgive sins in my stead.”

  Absalom rubbed the keys in his pocket. “You mean I can actually get into Heaven without dreaming? I can physically go to Heaven without dying?”

  “Sure,” Jehovah said. “Amelia Earhart did it. That’s why her body was never found.”

  “I knew it!” Fat Boy danced his Navajo victory dance.

  “Baloney,” Absalom said.

  “Okay, I’m just pulling your chain,” Joe said. “But as long as you are the keeper of the keys, you can walk right through the Pearly Gates without passing Go, and with the added bonus of bypassing the processing center and not having to walk through the Sin-O-Meter.”

  “Processing center?”

  “Yeah, we used to have a Judge sitting there as you came to the Judgment Day. He had this massive book full of yours sins, masturbation, outside of marriage lusting, coveting people’s stuff, and things along those lines. If you weren’t too bad, he gave you the thumbs up and you were escorted up the Golden Stairs to the City of God where Peter opened the gate with appropriate flourish and let you into Heaven. If it was thumbs down, you were kicked out of Heaven quicker than Billy Martin. Traffic got too heavy, so I worked up the Sin-O-Meter, and you walked through and it let you know which way to go. Like weighing eggs with a machine like they did in Willie Wonka, the Gene Wilder version. I hated the other one. One guy ran the machine. Sure streamlined the operation.”

  “Nothing like having your life’s value weighed like a piece of veal at the local butcher shop,” Absalom sneered. “Gives you the warm fuzzies,
that does.”

  He sipped at this beer for a minute, contemplating.

  “I have a thought,” Enoch interjected. “Since Absalom purchased the keys at a garage sale, what are the odds that the silver chain was sold as well?”

  “You know, I do remember that place. There were all kinds of weird stuff there. I think I could find it again,” Absalom said.

  “If you found the silver chain and we could track down Lucifer, the world could be saved,” Fat Boy spurted.

  “Not likely boys,” Elijah said. “Trust me on this one. The end of the Earth is right here on my clipboard.” He held it up for effect.

  “What’s that one that’s not checked off? Close to the top?”

  “I had Al Gore for President in 2000,” Elijah said with a tone of disgust. “Somebody around here must be a Republican.” He looked at Joe. Joe just grinned.

  Absalom stood up. “We have to try.”

  “Boys, give it your best shot. The fate of the earth rests squarely on both your strong, and Fat Boy’s rounded, shoulders. We’ll either be here or at Elijah and Enoch’s place.” Joe shook hands with both of them.

  “Let’s ride, Thelma,” Fat Boy said, slapping Absalom on the ass as he flashed away from him. Absalom followed him, glancing worriedly at the television when he passed it.

  Elijah ordered a pitcher of beer and the threesome continued to eat, drink, and watch the bad news on the television. “Talk about a fool’s errand,” he slurred. “I have here on my clipboard-

  “Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard about the clipboard many times,” Enoch said. “This one I think you’ve got wrong.”

  “Care to put your money where your greasy mouth is?”

  “You have your prophecies, buddy and I have mine. You don’t own the franchise. How about this? Your prophecy turns out to be wrong, you’ll take the pledge, and no more booze until the day before my end-of-the-world prophecy takes place.”

  “Done,” Elijah said, licking his fingers and holding out his hand.