Fran thought about that for a moment. ‘Sorry, just going back to nearer the beginning of your fan speech, did you say I was your favourite part of Sinkville?’
Tiga nodded.
‘Oh, Tiga!’ Fran said, leaping on the spot. ‘I’M MY FAVOURITE PART OF SINKVILLE TOO! I’d almost forgotten that. Yes, let’s get out of here.’
‘Ready to make that wish now?’ Senior Karen asked, as all the Karens took an eager step forward.
‘No,’ Tiga said. ‘She wants to come with me, so we’ll just be leaving now.’
The Karens clustered around the doorway. Tiga tried to edge past, but they moved with her, blocking her way.
‘I’m afraid you’ll have to make a wish, if you want to leave.’
‘And your wish is done!’ Senior Karen said, rubbing her hands together. ‘You wished you could leave, and now you can.’
Tiga looked from Senior Karen to Fran. It was bizarre her being so big.
‘Felicity Bat will do a shrink spell and you’ll be back to normal in no time,’ Tiga said, patting Fran firmly on the back.
Senior Karen looked to the other Karens and sniggered. ‘Oh yes. A shrink spell.’
Tiga smiled, relieved it was over. ‘Well, I’ll just go and find Lucy and we’ll be on our way.’
One of the Karens raced to the window and squealed. In the distance in the courtyard beyond, a jelly tower was growing out of the ground. Tiga rubbed her eyes.
‘What is that?’ she asked.
‘It’s expansion, darling!’ a Karen with mismatched ears cried. ‘My cake tower!’
‘Your what?’ Tiga asked, but the rest of the Karens were too busy groaning.
‘Can’t believe you got the cake tower. I only wanted unlimited gold,’ said a very short Karen.
‘I wanted a room filled with swans,’ Tall Karen scoffed.
‘I asked for another cheese grater …’ said Cheese-Grater Karen.
‘What’s going on?!’ Tiga cried.
Senior Karen, with a swish of her cloak, took a seat on the rickety little chair by the window. ‘Every time someone makes a wish with us, darling, we get something for our jelly castle.’
‘Oh,’ Tiga said.
‘We each put a request in a little jelly pot and one is chosen at random, darling. It’s really rather exciting. Like a lottery, darling.’
Tiga looked at Fran, who had joined the Karens to watch the growing Cake Tower. ‘So what did you get with Fran’s wish?’
‘A gigantic wardrobe of fabulous cloaks,’ Senior Karen said, stroking her cloak adoringly. ‘Hundreds and hundreds of them.’
‘That’s … nice,’ Tiga mumbled. ‘Right, well, like I said. I’m just going to get Lucy and leave.’
‘She’s downstairs,’ Senior Karen said. ‘By the door you came in, Entrance C.’
‘CAKE TOWER! CAKE TOWER! CAKE TOWER!’ Fran chanted, jumping up and down and high-fiving Mismatched-Ears Karen.
Tiga grabbed Fran’s arm and dragged her out of the door as Senior Karen cackled.
‘What twist did you put on Tiga’s wish?’ Smog-Machine Karen asked eagerly.
‘They can leave – but only after they complete three impossible tests!’ she croaked. ‘They will be trapped, the three of them. They’ll have to make more wishes to get out!’
‘Genius,’ Smog-Machine Karen spluttered, stroking Senior Karen’s arm adoringly.
Senior Karen grinned. ‘Get ready for more expansion, darlings.’
RITZY CITY POST
* * *
* * *
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW
* * *
* * *
Today our reporter is interviewing Ula Uppington, who lives at No. 4 Ritzy Close. She recently purchased a cat from Mavis’s Jam (And Sometimes Cats) Stall, only it wasn’t a cat, it was a jam jar shaped like a cat. Ula Uppington doesn’t know this, and that is fascinating.
Reporter: Ula Uppington, please tell us about your new cat.
Ula Uppington: He is quiet and as hard as glass and doesn’t eat or move.
Reporter: And his name?
Ula Uppington: Cat.
Reporter: Ula Uppington, have you ever owned a cat before?
Ula Uppington: This is my first one.
Reporter: Do you think it’s a normal cat?
Ula Uppington: Its head screws off. So yes.
Reporter: Isn’t that more something that, I don’t know, a jar would do?
Ula Uppington: Jars don’t have tails or names like Cat.
Reporter: Excellent point. I can’t even remember what this interview was about.
Ula Uppington: It was about my cat.
Reporter: Ah yes – hello, little kitty, aren’t you just glassy?
Our reporter left the interview and purchased a jam jar shaped like a cat from Mavis’s jam stall and is now sitting in the corner stroking it and insisting it is called Arabella Clawington.
30
Home!
‘Lucy!’ Tiga cried, racing towards the little witch, who was standing by the front door like a kid waiting to be collected from school, rocking on her heels.
Fran lolloped along behind.
‘You got Fran!’ Lucy cheered. ‘YOU ARE TIGAMAZING!’
‘I’m Fabulous Fran,’ Fran corrected her with a tut. ‘Or Franamazing.’
‘You’ll get used to her,’ Tiga whispered to Lucy.
‘Is it time to go home yet?’ Lucy asked. ‘I want to look for my backpack. It’s got my entire Witch Wars collection in it – signed shrivelled heads and everything.’
‘This isn’t the way out …’ Tiga mumbled, walking back through the doorway for the third time. ‘But I’m sure it’s the way we came in.’
Lucy nodded. ‘It’s definitely the same door.’
Tiga looked at the sign above it. ENTRANCE C. They had definitely come in via Entrance C, only now Entrance C no longer opened on to the path with the gate that led to the bridge. It led to somewhere completely different.
‘Ooh!’ Fran said, skipping out into the lavish garden.
Tiga couldn’t believe it – a jelly-walled garden filled with hanging vines and floating roses, and the occasional jelly statue stretched out in front of them. She looked up into the trees. She could hear birds, but strangely, there didn’t seem to be any in sight.
‘Can you hear birds?’ Lucy asked.
Fran cupped her hand to her ear. ‘I can only hear my own fabulousness wafting from my being, I’m afraid.’
‘Like I said,’ Tiga said quietly to Lucy. ‘You will get used to her.’
Fran skipped around the garden, scrunching up her face every so often when she spotted a grotesque jelly statue. ‘Come on! This way!’
‘I suppose it must be this way,’ Tiga said, trying to reassure herself.
‘Ooh, ponies!’ Fran cried as Tiga and Lucy rounded a perfectly pruned jelly hedge. There, standing tall in stables made of glossy black jelly, were two white jelly horses.
Tiga moved closer to read the signs. ‘Cassidy and Sam. Jelly horses with names. Normal …’
Lucy Tatty began leaping from foot to foot. ‘Can we ride them? Pleeeease?!’
A Karen popped up from inside the stables. ‘Absolutely not, darling. No riding the jelly horses. They are very fragile, darlings.’
Tiga tried to remember this Karen. She’d been one of the ones near the back in the tower.
‘Did you get the jelly horses with someone’s wish?’ Fran asked.
Jelly-Horse Karen nodded as the horse prodded Fran with its muzzle.
‘We’re just trying to find our way out of here,’ Tiga explained. ‘How do we get back to the jelly bridge?’
Jelly-Horse Karen smiled. ‘You’ll have to pass the tests to get out of here now, darling.’
‘The what?’ Tiga asked in an almost-growl. She was getting tired of the Karens and their jelly.
‘The tests. The twist of your wish, darling.’
‘What twist?’ Tiga pressed.
The Karen leaned
over the stable door and snatched the piece of paper in Tiga’s hand. She pointed at some tiny words. ‘The twist.’
Tiga squinted at the paper and tried to focus – the words were smaller than any she’d ever seen before. They were even smaller than the words in Fran’s favourite book: Fabulous. Flawless. Fran.
‘I can’t read that!’ Tiga cried.
‘Oh, very well, darling,’ Jelly-Horse Karen said, holding it up to one eye which darted from left to right at rapid speed, like an enthusiastic spider in a pinball machine.
‘Each wish will have a twist.’
‘Did your wish have a twist?’ Tiga asked Fran, but she just shrugged.
Jelly-Horse Karen coughed.
‘And what is my twist?’ Tiga said through gritted teeth.
‘You have to complete three impossible tests to escape, darling.’
‘And what if we don’t pass the tests?’ Lucy Tatty dared to ask.
‘Oh, well then, darlings, you’re stuck here … FOR EVER. Well, not for ever, darlings.’
‘OH, THANK GOODNESS IT’S NOT FOR EVER!’ Fran cried.
‘No, darlings, just until you die.’
SILVER TIMES
* * *
* * *
FLAWLESS FAIRY
ZARKLE
LAUNCHES A ‘HOW TO BE
PERFECT’ GUIDEBOOK
* * *
* * *
The flawless fairy Zarkle has launched a guide offering advice on how to be perfect. Nonsensity by Zarkle C. Sparkle is available from the Silver Stacks bookshop and includes tips such as:
NEVER STOP SMILING, EVEN WHEN SLEEPING.
And various other impossible things.
31
The Ghosts of the Fairy
Caravan Park
‘We’re going to be stuck here until we die,’ Fran said as Tiga marched on ahead, her fists clenched. The Karens could add all the twists they wanted; she was going to find that jelly bridge and get back to Silver City.
Up ahead was a gigantic jelly hedge surrounded by towers and spindly turrets. In the jelly hedge sat an ornate iron door with CHALLENGE ONE: FAIRY FLOP! carved on it. Tiga looked back. There was nothing but the wobbling main castle, and Fran, who was crying and wiping her tears away with Lucy Tatty’s hair.
‘Come on, hurry up! Let’s get this over with,’ Tiga said, as she pushed the door open.
The three of them walked reluctantly into the darkness. The door slammed shut behind them. All around smog swirled, and Tiga couldn’t shake the sensation that at any moment she was going to fall down a deep, dark hole.
‘Do you see that up ahead?’ Lucy whispered.
Tiga squinted. She could just make it out. It looked like tiny red lights bobbing about in the distance, getting further and further away.
‘WAIT!’ Tiga cried, chasing after it.
‘WAAAAAIT! WAAAAAAIT! WAAAAAIT!’ her voice echoed in the eerie expanse.
‘Wait, Tiga!’ Lucy begged, running after her.
‘Waaait, Tiiiiga. Waaait, Tiiiiiga. Waaait, Tiiiiga.’
‘I’m just going to sit here,’ Fran said, plonking herself down and tucking her knees under her chin. ‘Has there been anyone more fabulous eeeever …’
Tiga squashed any thoughts of falling down black holes into a corner in her mind and pressed on through the darkness. She got closer and closer to the thing, her breath forming tiny desperate clumps of exhaustion in the frosty air. She stopped and rubbed her eyes. It couldn’t be, could it?
‘Are you seeing what I’m seeing?’ Lucy Tatty panted.
Tiga rubbed her eyes again. There it was, a tiny ramshackle cart covered in red lights. In the middle of the cart, suspended from the arch of lights, was a lopsided lollipop with a badly painted face.
‘Oh, hello,’ the lollipop said. ‘You’re a long way from home. Are you ready for your first challenge?’
Tiga gasped and knelt down next to it.
‘A pleasure to converse with you all,’ the lollipop said grandly, its painted mouth moving, making the old paint flake and fall to the ground.
The squeaking sound it made when it spoke sounded like an old piece of metal trying to get out of bed.
‘WHAT IS IT?!’ Lucy Tatty screamed.
‘WHAT ARE YOU?!’ the lollipop screamed back. ‘Only joking. You’re a witch, I know that.’
‘So you’re a lollipop creature and a sort-of cart?’ Tiga said nervously.
‘Preposterous!’ the thing said. ‘I’m neither lollipop nor cart.’ He lowered his voice to a whisper. ‘I’m very glad to meet you. I almost never get visitors – it’s very lonely here, and dark.’
Tiga awkwardly stroked the lollipop’s cheek.
‘I’m Moo,’ he added, the lights on his cart flashing.
‘Moo?’ Tiga said.
Lucy giggled and slumped on the floor, clearly relieved the lollipop with the cart didn’t seem to want to eat them.
Fran was silent in the distance, squinting at it with disdain, most likely because, given its bright lights, it looked a lot more ‘show business’ than she did.
‘And you are?’ Moo asked Fran.
‘I’m FABULOUS,’ she called over, throwing her head back dramatically.
‘She’s Fran, that’s Lucy, and I’m Tiga,’ Tiga said, glancing around, their surroundings now partially revealed by the bright red lights of Moo’s cart.
Tiny caravans hung from branches like baubles on a Christmas tree, just like the fairy caravan park near Brollywood.
Moo turned with a creak and the lights on the cart glowed brighter, illuminating more of the caravan park. It stretched into the distance as far as Tiga could see.
‘What is this, Moo?’ she asked.
‘It’s a new addition,’ Moo said. ‘Just for you.’
‘I don’t like the sound of that,’ Tiga groaned.
‘WHO’S IN THOSE CARAVANS!’ Fran bellowed, but there was only a ghostly silence and a squeak from the caravan swinging on a branch next to Tiga’s head. She looked at Lucy Tatty and then tapped with a single finger on the door.
A fairy’s head poked out of the window. But it wasn’t a normal fairy head. Tiga could see right through it!
She screamed!
‘Ghosts,’ Lucy Tatty gasped.
‘Actually, I prefer “expired fairy”, thank you very much,’ the ghost said, fluffing her matted hair.
Lucy Tatty wobbled and fainted, landing with an almighty thud.
Fran pointed at her.
‘SUPERFAN DOWN.’
32
The Fairy Flop
‘So you’re dead?’ Tiga asked, subtly nudging Lucy Tatty with her foot.
‘So dead,’ the expired fairy boasted.
‘I miss being a fairy …’ Fran said wistfully as the thing floated out of her caravan.
Lucy Tatty was beginning to come to. Tiga propped her up and watched as all around them, ghostly fairies began to swarm. Three assembled in front of them.
One, the expired fairy they had just been talking to, looked a lot like Crispy. The other looked like Donna, who Tiga remembered had refused to fly during the Witch Wars competition in order to make a point. And the third looked a lot like a mushroom in a dress.
‘Moo,’ the third one said. ‘You aren’t allowed to help them, you know.’
The lollipop swayed. ‘I am aware, thank you.’
‘Now,’ the fairy who looked a lot like a dead Crispy snapped. ‘We are your first test. We have been designed by the Karens and we are IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAT. We call this test The Fairy Flop.’
‘Why flop?’ Tiga asked.
‘Like fairy, it also begins with F,’ the fairy that looked like a mushroom said.
They floated closer.
‘Now, remember, you can wish you knew the answer at any point. It just takes one wish to get out of this impossible challenge. Each of us has a special place in Sinkville history. We each belonged to a Top Witch. But which one belonged to Melissa Mushroomery?’
Tig
a pointed at the fairy who looked like a mushroom. ‘Her.’
The fairies stared blankly at Tiga. ‘How did she know?’ the one that looked like a mushroom whispered in awe.
‘Golly, well done, Tiga,’ Moo said, rattling his cart.
Fran high-fived Tiga.
‘Fran,’ Tiga said, looking from her hand to Fran’s. ‘Is your hand bigger?’
‘Nah,’ Fran said, holding up a giant-sized hand.
Tiga turned to the fairies. ‘Now can we please leave?’
The fairies giggled. ‘Yes. Say goodbye to Moo.’
‘Goodbye, Tiga,’ Moo said, sounding crushed. ‘It was nice to meet you.’
‘Wait!’ Tiga cried. ‘Why do I have to say goodbye to Moo?’
‘This is where I live, in the Expired Fairy Caravan Park in the Jelly Castle Garden. Perhaps we will meet again one day.’
One of the fairies weaved closer. ‘You know, you could wish that Moo could come with you.’
Tiga looked desperately at Fran, who was crying.
‘NOT MOO!’ she wailed.
‘I didn’t think she really liked Moo …’ Lucy Tatty mumbled.
Tiga bent down and hugged the little cart. ‘I’ll get you out of here one day.’ She turned to the fairies. ‘And don’t think I’ll be making another wish in a hurry. I know about the twists, remember!’
‘Fine,’ the fairies said as one. Moo’s face spun and smiled, and with a bang, Tiga, Fran and Lucy landed with a squidge back in front of the giant jelly hedge. This time the iron door was different, and the hedge was higher. The words had changed. Tiga got to her feet and moved closer to read what it said.
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