So the here? Holly was referring to North America.
That, or her mother didn’t realize Holly and Lily were visiting me in Montreal.
Holly was quiet for a beat before saying, “Really? Drew doesn’t mind the fact that Lily belongs to someone else?” The snorted skepticism in her tone helped lessen the shock from the kick to my gut.
Another pause. “No. No, he hasn’t. But it’s not as simple as that.…No, I’m not interested in marrying him like that.…Until we know what’s going to happen, there’s no point worrying about it.”
Her voice then softened, almost as if she had given up the battle within herself. The battle I wasn’t privy to. “Okay, if that happens, I’ll give the job offer some serious consideration.…All right. Good-bye, Mum.” She was silent for another beat, then ended the call.
Did her words sting? Like hell they did.
“I take it your mother’s still trying to get you to move back to Australia,” I said, causing Holly to startle.
And no, it wasn’t a question.
Was it the first time her mom had tried to do that? Nope.
Was it the first time Holly sounded like she was seriously considering it—that everything she and I had together meant nothing?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
She smiled softly—but everything about her held an edge of weariness. A night of hot and dirty sex, and then waking up a few hours later to feed a baby would do that to you.
“I didn’t hear you come in.” She glanced at the sleeping bundle in her arms. “Let me put her down then I’ll join you in bed.”
I nodded and returned to our room.
She entered it a few minutes later, yawning, and cuddled up beside me on the bed. I gathered her in my arms, prepared to talk about what she and her mom had been discussing.
I never had the chance.
The tension in Holly’s muscles drained away and her breathing evened out.
Did I fall asleep right away? Nope—I couldn’t stop dwelling on the phone call.
She and I had already discussed us getting married. She shot me down faster than a body plummeting from the Golden Gate Bridge.
Why? Because she wasn’t interested in marrying me—but did that mean she wasn’t interested in marrying Drew?
Since I wasn’t sleeping, how about we do the math?
First—he wasn’t an American, which meant if she married him she still couldn’t stay in the country like she could if she married me.
Second—she didn’t need to marry him to stay in Australia.
Third—she was an independent, resourceful woman who could easily be a single mother. She didn’t need a man to look after her and Lily.
Fourth—she had never considered herself the marrying type, especially growing up in a family where her parents lived together but didn’t love each other.
And finally—she didn’t love him. At least I didn’t think she did.
When you added it all up, it didn’t make sense. What was Drew offering that Holly needed to consider?
By the time I finally fell asleep, the early signs of dawn were peeking in through the slit between the curtains.
I woke up several hours later, feeling like I hadn’t slept at all. The midmorning sunlight streamed into the room through the gap in the curtains. I glanced at the alarm clock.
Shit, it was already nine minutes after ten.
Not surprisingly, Holly wasn’t next to me in bed. Nor were she and Lily in the other room. But there was a note on the kitchen counter:
Lily and I have gone for a walk to explore this fine city. Be back soon.
Love Holly.
I sent her a text. Where are you?
She replied a minute later. Teaching Lily the fine art of shopping in a foreign country :)
Tell me where you are and I’ll join you.
She texted me and we agreed to meet at a cafe near her location. I arrived a few minutes before they did and was already seated when they entered. Holly spotted me and walked over to my table, Lily happy in her front carrier.
I stood up and kissed Holly briefly, then kissed Lily’s head. “How’s my baby girl doing?”
Lily gurgled and cooed and drooled her answer.
I helped Holly remove her from the carrier, then sat back in my seat with my daughter in my arms.
“What can I get for you to drink?” the college-age waitress asked as Holly and I were studying our menus. Then she looked at me and her eyes went wide. “Don’t you play for the Canadiens? My boyfriend and I are huge fans. We go to all the games. Well, we did until you made the playoffs. The tickets are too expensive.”
I’d never heard anyone talk that fast before. If there was a world record for it, she probably held it.
Or was in training for it.
Lily cooed at the waitress and giggled.
The girl smiled at her. “Ooh, aren’t you just the cutest little thing. Is this your daughter?” She looked between Holly and me.
“Yes, she is,” I told her, and smiled at Holly, proud at what she and I had accomplished together—even if Lily had been unexpected.
“You guys look adorable together.”
We thanked her, and she took our order and left.
“See—she thinks we’re great together,” I pointed out to Holly.
Holly chuckled. “She said we look great together, not that we are great together.”
“So you don’t think we’re great together?” I said it in a playful tone, but that wasn’t the emotion churning in the pit of my gut.
“Sure I do.”
“But not enough for you not to consider Drew’s offer?” My tone wasn’t so playful this time.
“How did you…? Right, the phone call from my mum.”
“So it’s true?”
What do professional hockey players do before they play against their opponent? They watch the team analysis video. They study the goalie’s and the players’ weaknesses and strengths. They never hit the ice without some sort of team strategy in mind.
They never hit the ice blind.
Yet here I was, asking if something was true when I had no idea what Drew was offering her.
“Look, I’m not sure this is the place to discuss this.” She glanced around the busy cafe.
“So, does Drew still want to marry you?”
Okay—that was not what I had in mind. But since we were here…
I waited patiently for her to answer.
All right, not so patiently. I drummed my heel against the floor.
Wait for it.
One corner of her mouth twitched up. Then the other side did the same.
And if that wasn’t puzzling enough—she threw her head back in laughter.
Which gained her a few odd glances.
Mostly from me. My girlfriend was seriously losing it.
“Why would you think he’s interested in marrying me? For one, that man can have any woman he wants. He doesn’t want one with a baby in tow.”
“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with Lily.” I smiled at my daughter. “Is there, sweetheart?”
Lily grinned at me and cooed.
Right—never mind that. We were talking about Drew and Holly. “I heard you ask your mother if Drew doesn’t mind that Lily belongs to someone else?”
“It’s not what you think. Yes—my mum is hoping I’ll move back to Australia. And yes—she and her friend are hoping he and I will get together because as far as her friend is concerned, that’s the only way she’s going to get grandchildren. Drew hasn’t exactly been working hard in that department as far as she’s concerned. But like I said, Drew isn’t interested in me that way.”
“Then what was the offer you and your mom were talking about on the phone?”
“There’s an opportunity with the company Drew had dealt with before. But the position is in New York City.”
“And you’re considering it?” Frustration stomped through my tone.
Lily squirmed in my arms, whimpered, then le
t out a lung-filled protest.
“She’s hungry,” Holly said, taking Lily from me. She adjusted her clothing and effortlessly got Lily into position on her breast.
Now guys, if there’s ever a time not to argue with your girlfriend or wife it’s while she’s breastfeeding your child. It won’t score you any points if you do—and you’ll be too distracted, knowing the baby’s getting to suck on the breasts that you used to enjoy.
And who will end up winning the argument? That’s right, she will.
But that’s easy to say when you aren’t the one itching to continue the argument through to the next round. When you know she isn’t going anywhere until she has finished feeding your child.
When you know you have a captive audience, no matter what.
“Why don’t you want to marry me?” I asked.
I know—that was not what you were expecting me to say. But now that we had cleared the air about Drew not being interested in Holly that way, I wanted to know why she wasn’t interested in marrying me.
Fair enough question?
She let out a long sigh—the type of sigh where you braced yourself against any piece of furniture fastened to the floor or wall. “Why do you want to marry me, Josh?”
“Because one—I love you. Two—we made an amazing little girl together. And three—because it just makes sense.”
“Why does it make sense?”
“Because no matter what happens with my career come July, I won’t have to worry about you being sent back to Australia if something happens to your job before you get your green card.” We had already gone through this before.
Except my answer didn’t seem to change anything. She still looked resigned.
“Are you still saying you don’t want to marry me?” I asked.
She gave me a sad smile—and I grabbed the edge of the table…even though it wasn’t fastened to the floor.
“No, I’m saying I don’t want to marry you because it’s the convenient thing to do. Otherwise I might as well have married Drew when he was interested.” She glanced at the blanket covering her and Lily. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter why I don’t want to marry you. Unless something happens between now and the end of May”—when she was supposed to return to work—“none of this matters. I’m not going anywhere. I mean, other than back to San Francisco the day after tomorrow.”
She repositioned Lily on the other breast, then smiled at me again. Except this time, her eyes held the usual sparkle I loved so much. “I love you, Josh. Just because I’m not agreeing to what you’re proposing doesn’t mean I don’t love you. That’s not going to change. But right now, the only thing I’m interested in is spending as much time with you as possible. For the three of us to spend time together.”
Like a family, I said in my head.
Like the family I’d never really had growing up.
Like the family I’d never wanted…until now.
As much as I hated it, she was right. We didn’t have much time left before Holly and Lily had to return to San Francisco. I didn’t want to waste a second of it arguing.
Besides, she wasn’t saying “no” to marrying me because she didn’t love me.
That meant I had a chance to change her mind.
I just had to figure out how.
36
Josh
A week later, I was sitting on the hotel bed. No, not the one in Montreal. This one was in New York City. I checked my phone to see if Trent had texted me yet. He and Kelsey were flying in to spend a few days in the city and to see tonight’s game against the Rangers.
At least that was the plan. But their flight had been delayed several hours. Why? We could thank Murphy for that and his dumbass law. If I didn’t need to talk to Kelsey about Holly, there would’ve been no delays.
You’re right—the plan was for me to try to talk to Kelsey about Holly. Who knew if she was going to be as forthcoming as I would like—or if what I wanted to ask her would violate some secret friendship pact that guys were oblivious to?
Trent: We’ve landed. See you after the game?
Me: Absolutely.
Holly: Good luck on tonight’s game. Lily and I will be cheering for you. XOX
The next text was a picture of Lily smiling at the camera with her Canadiens jersey on. Never thought I would miss anyone as much as I missed my daughter. My daughter and her smart and gorgeous mother.
Which was why I needed Kelsey’s help.
Me to Holly: Thanks. Miss you! Give Lily a kiss from me.
Then. What do I get if the Canadiens win tonight?
Holly: Phone sex :)
Oh, don’t act all surprised. How do you think I survived the month she and I were apart? Phone sex was a great way to get close when you couldn’t be close.
Don’t believe me? Give it a try some time.
Me: I like that incentive. I’ll be sure to keep it in mind during the game.
I returned my phone to the night table, and unrolled my yoga mat on the floor, taking care not to block the TV.
“I told Emily you do yoga,” Sam said, watching whatever sitcom he had found—even though he had a TV in his own room.
“And?”
“And she’s signed herself and me up for yoga classes this summer.”
I laughed. “And you’re not happy about that?”
He shrugged. “I’m not exactly a yoga guy.”
“And you know this because you’ve done yoga before?” Yes, I might have still been laughing.
He grunted and I laughed harder.
“So why don’t you just tell her you don’t want to do it?”
“Because I figured if you did it then maybe there was something to it. And because that’s what you do when you love someone.”
“What—take yoga classes with her?” Because if that was the case, with the six months of prenatal yoga classes I took with Holly, she had more than enough proof of how much I loved her.
You didn’t know about that? After the first month of doing yoga to the same two DVDs, it got boring. All right, boring was an understatement. Anyway, I hired a yoga instructor to come to Holly’s apartment twice a week to work with us.
Why? Because six more months of the same two DVDs would have driven me serial-killer insane.
“Well, not necessarily yoga,” Sam said, “But sometimes you just have to man it up and do something you might not necessarily like, but you do it anyway to make her happy. You have a girlfriend. You know how it is.”
“Sure.” Did I? Because from where I was standing, it didn’t look like I had made Holly happy enough to want to marry me—or be with me wherever my career led me next.
Which was part of the problem.
I wasn’t ready to give up my career and she wasn’t prepared to give up hers—even for the sake of our daughter.
Which probably made us the worst parents ever—and not much better than our own parents had been.
This was the same thought that plagued me until I stepped onto the ice two hours later for our game.
In the dressing room after getting my phone back, I read Holly’s text. Sorry about the game.
In case you hadn’t guessed—we lost. Badly.
Me: Is phone sex still on the table?
Holly: On the table. On the floor. On the bed. Wherever you want it.
I smirked at that. Meeting up with Trent and Kelsey first. Will take a rain check on it if you’re offering one.
Holly: Of course. And this rain check doesn’t have an expiry date—and it can be used any time tonight.
Trent and I had already planned where to meet up once I’d returned to the hotel and changed. I sent him a text, telling him I was on my way, and headed to the quiet bar he had suggested.
The best thing about Trent and Kelsey? They didn’t talk hockey after a game—especially if my team had lost. They knew nothing they said would change the outcome, so what was the point of discussing it?
Which meant we could go straight to the topic I had in mind:
Holly.
“How’s Holly and Lily doing?” I asked Kelsey.
She frowned, clearly confused at my question. “Don’t you talk to Holly?”
“Yes, but you see her a lot more than I do, so I was just curious.”
“Well, unless there’s something she’s not telling me, she seems fine.” She exchanged glances with Trent.
“What?” I asked.
“She’s been talking about a job offer in Australia she’s starting to consider.”
“But she already has a job in San Francisco.” That she was returning to soon. She’d even hired the nanny last week.
Kelsey bit her lip. I was definitely missing something here.
“Tell me,” I said, a little more forcibly than I should have, if the don’t-shoot-the-messenger look Trent threw me was anything to go by. “Look, I don’t want to see her leave. I love her and I love our daughter.”
“I know, but you’re not around anymore and things won’t get better if you land a contract back in Canada or with another team. Doesn’t Holly at least deserve to fall in love with a man who will be there for her and Lily? Doesn’t she deserve a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with her because he can’t imagine being with anyone else? He can’t imagine a life without her.” She reached for Trent’s hand and threaded her fingers with his.
“So I’m supposed to give up my hockey career for her?”
“No, but why do you want to marry her?”
“She told you that?”
Kelsey’s confused frown returned. “You didn’t suggest you two should get married?”
“Yes, but she shot me down.”
Kelsey rolled her eyes as if I was a complete and utter moron—and maybe I was. “How did you propose to her?”
“Well…” The conversations Holly and I’d had leaked into my dumbass brain. Not once had I actually proposed to Holly. Even though I had told her I loved her, I had still made it sound like a business arrangement between us. I had made it sound like the only reason I wanted to marry her was to keep her from being deported if she ever lost her job and to keep from losing my daughter.
And so she could join me if I was offered a contract elsewhere.
“You didn’t, did you?” Kelsey’s tone was sympathetic more than anything else—and further confirmed that I was an idiot.
Decidedly With Baby (By the Bay Book 2) Page 22