by Carol Thomas
“But how you feel is not necessarily about telling Simon how you feel, it’s about understanding more of yourself, your feelings and what you want.”
“I suppose… but when you read that don’t I still sound confused to you? I still feel it.”
“I read that you are achieving greater clarity, I read that you are achieving greater equilibrium, I read that you are finding a way through. And yes, the thought of finding and losing happiness again is scary but Abby, for the first time you are talking about taking that chance. When we first met I don’t think happiness was something you had considered regaining.” Mallory was beaming now. Pride oozed from her.
Abby sat back, absorbing some of Mallory’s praise and noticing a strange feeling she thought might be her self-esteem having a little stretch.
“Now tell me, how has your week been? Did you manage to try any small positive steps?”
Now Abby knew this was going to go well because she really had pushed herself to try new positive things. Deciding that Mallory perhaps didn’t need to know about the sexual health clinic she focused on lunch with Simon and Rachel and her trip to the gym. It was a refreshing session, very different to last week’s. Abby felt buoyed by Mallory’s encouragement. Nevertheless when Mallory announced that she would be unable to offer sessions for the next two weeks due to family commitments, Abby felt a rush of nerves. Momentarily thrown adrift, she felt panic rising in her chest.
Sensing Abby’s unease Mallory reassured her. “Abby, you will be fine. Use your book and keep working on those positive steps. I’m sure you will surprise yourself.”
Abby remained unconvinced.
“Would you like the number of a colleague, as a safety net? In case you want to talk?”
Abby thought about having to start over with somebody new. Explaining it all again. She was comfortable with Mallory; she felt like they had moved forward. If she spoke to somebody else she would have to explain everything again. She wasn’t sure she had the energy for that. And what if somebody new interpreted things differently? Mallory didn’t seem to think she was crazy but somebody else might!
“No thank you,” Abby responded weakly, trying to convince herself it was just another small positive step. She went to her bag, took out her cyan-coloured gemstone and squeezed it in her palm.
24
“Well it’s not a chocolate willy!”
Melissa rolled her eyes and looked at Abby with a thoroughly bemused, I-am-going-to-kill-you expression on her face.
“At least it’s Cadbury’s!” Abby realised her attempts to add a positive spin on this would be more convincing if she weren’t wishing the ground would swallow her up.
“Ladies, when the hooter goes, start sucking!” Leah, the party rep, was clearly the most excited person in the room at the prospect of this game, and held aloft a squeezy boob-shaped ball as she started her countdown.
On the huh-huh of the ‘hooter’, Melissa, Abby and the eight other apprehensive party guests started sucking on their chocolate fingers like women possessed. As the wine already spreading warmth into their bellies, the hint of competition and the reassuring taste of chocolate set in, they went for it despite themselves. No wonder Leah had been excited – within moments of sucking on a chocolate finger they had all changed from respectable adults to giggling teenagers. Her job just got a whole lot easier.
Everybody was crowded into the lounge of Patty’s two-bed semi. Abby wasn’t surprised to see that Patty was the kind of woman who seemingly wallpapered for fun and liked to chintz at every available opportunity. Who knew pelmets still existed? While the sofa was large it clearly wasn’t made to seat five grown women and Abby envied Melissa for having had the sense to perch on the arm.
“Harder, harder ladies, come on!” Leah’s excitement was reaching fever pitch.
Melissa and Abby were soon giggling too much to put in any serious sucking effort; their attempts to control their grinning mouths simply making them laugh harder.
“I did it!” Everybody cheered as a rotund relative of Patty’s bounced from her seat holding her chocolate-less finger proudly aloft.
The surprise shout caused Melissa to accidentally bite the top off hers and Abby, spotting Melissa’s faux pas, to spit hers across the room as she burst into a new round of giggles.
“I’ll have what they’re having!” Patty’s aunt chortled, causing everybody to join in.
Attempting to regain a little order Leah excitedly grabbed the lucky winner. “You get a prize from my goody bag!” she announced, gleefully adding, “With or without batteries?” as if it were a completely normal question.
Without hesitation the pink-faced winner replied, “OOH, with!”
Everybody clapped and whooped as she hurriedly collected a parcel and eagerly ripped it open – her pink cheeks turning positively crimson when a shiny ‘purple bullet’ dropped into her lap.
Abby leaned over to Melissa and whispered a little too loudly, “A vibrator for the Borrowers!”
Leaping in before everybody could descend into hysterics once more Leah honked her boob ball for attention. “OK, one more game before we hit the rails and catalogues; try a few things out… try a few things on!”
Taking her role as hostess seriously Patty refilled everybody’s glasses. As hers had barely had time to empty before being topped up since the time she’d arrived Abby had no idea how much she’d actually had to drink. But her light head was beginning to make her regret not having tea with Jessica and Grace earlier. As Simon was babysitting she had wanted to make sure everything was sorted before leaving. For some reason, in her warped mind that meant dusting and vacuuming opposed to eating.
“Now, do we want more chocolate or a bit of action?” The choice offered by Leah seemed to be between chocolate rolls or balloons.
As chocolate rolls meant getting something edible Abby joined the calls for that, then slightly regretted it when chocolate won and blindfolds, plates and whipped cream appeared as accompaniments. Leah set about assembling them, with the chocolate rolls standing on the plate in the centre of a whipped cream base.
“Now ladies, on your knees, blindfolds on, hands behind your backs. The first to have an empty plate wins!”
“What have you got us into Abigail Turner?” Melissa feigned looking sternly at Abby but was down on her knees and grabbing a black satin blindfold before she had chance to respond.
Abby grinned – she never expected Melissa to throw herself into this – and followed her onto her knees. As the other women slipped on their blindfolds they started sniggering and making lewd references to Rebecca Giles’ book. Abby was pleased she hadn’t brought Rachel along; they would probably have swamped her with questions about her famous kinky connection.
Abby was enjoying herself. It was so far removed from things she normally did. While of course there were plenty of references to sex, the games they were playing and the continuously flowing alcohol meant she couldn’t dwell on anything. It was all just a laugh.
“Five, four, three, two, one… nosh off!”
Please tell me she didn’t actually just say that!
As Leah shouted everybody’s bottom went in the air, faces thrust down towards their plates and the soon-to-be-devoured contents. Abby could feel sticky cream all round her face and had to snort some out of her nose. She found her chocolate roll and manipulated it into her mouth. It was hard to chew the whole thing at once and to just swallow bits at a time without gagging, but she soon forced it down. Once it had been swallowed she messily licked up the cream – finally, a sweet tooth and being a messy eater pays off!
“We have a winner!” squealed a very excited Leah.
Abby suddenly became aware that it was her arm being held aloft. She pulled her blindfold off in unison with everybody else and they caught sight of one another. They looked beyond ridiculous with cream and chocolate smeared round their faces, and peals of laughter were once again filling the room. As Abby turned to Melissa, feeling way too excited a
bout having won, she realised Melissa’s face wasn’t messy at all. She was holding her phone, pointing it at Abby.
“Oh no you didn’t!”
“Revenge will be sweet!” Melissa laughed.
“Oh, you wouldn’t… Would you?” Abby exclaimed, snatching for the phone.
Melissa put it decisively in her bag with a fake dramatic laugh and threw Abby a packet of the wipes put out for the clean-up operation. Abby was too giddy on wine, sugar and the joy of winning to take the threat of photographic – or worse, video – evidence too seriously and set to removing the cream splurged round her face.
“With or without batteries?” Leah shook the goody bag in Abby’s direction.
All eyes moved to her.
Batteries! “Without batteries,” she said, thinking batteries might have been more fun.
Leah passed her over a parcel. Peeking inside, she found it contained a red silk and black lace bundle. Abby decided to open it properly at home.
The games over for now, it was time to look in Leah’s ‘box of tricks’. Everybody leaned slightly forward as Leah’s hand slipped into the large satin case. When she pulled out something resembling the clackers Abby could remember playing with as a child everybody’s head seemed to move to one side before an audible “Oh” resounded round the room as the realisation dawned. Jiggle balls!
“Clackers?” Patty’s auntie queried.
Everybody smirked, as if they hadn’t had the same thought.
Patty leaned into explain as Leah announced, “No, jiggle balls!” before adding, “These come in hot pink, smooth silver and our new icicllllle”, purposely holding the final ‘lllll’ for effect and presenting a pair of glass-like orbs from her bag. Abby couldn’t help but think of the glacier mint bear and stifled a giggle and her urge to share that thought.
They each held them in turn, passing them round and feeling the jiggling, almost resonating, sensation as they clashed in their hands.
“These can be used to work your pelvic floor muscles and build subtle sexual stimulation, in anticipation…”
Abby stopped listening. She didn’t want subtle sexual stimulation – she wanted her man, and all this sex talk was making her miss Simon more keenly. Or was it Simon she was thinking of? And if it was Simon, was it Simon before or could it be Simon now? Arghhhh!
“Right, now try this on your nose; you’ll feel the sensation as you would below.” Leah held a multi-function, eight-inch pink pearlised vibrator to her nose.
Oh yes, my nose has been feeling a little neglected lately! Abby rolled her eyes. Melissa looked at her as if this might just be getting a step too far, so Abby grabbed the bottle of wine from the table and topped up Melissa’s glass, encouraging her to drink. It seemed it was perfect timing as Leah announced, “Now for my rabbit out of a hat trick, ladies; you’ll love it!”
Looking through the catalogues would have been a strange experience in a room full of people Abby hardly knew had they not already shed their inhibitions through lewd acts with chocolate, and nasal experimentation with sex toys. Patty had quite extreme, mostly animal print tastes she enjoyed sharing with everybody, while Abby liked some of the more demure, subtle but very sexy babydolls. Though she found she couldn’t focus on any one page in the catalogue for too long, for fear of the hint of panic she felt rising in her chest increasing, she was able to flick through. Melissa, probably a little too far under the influence of alcohol, decided to get something to share with Adam on their honeymoon. It was a bold choice that Abby tried to tell her she might regret once sober but she was having none of it. Abby felt a pang of jealousy at not having anyone to share any of the fun with and decided to treat herself to some new short pyjamas, a bit less cutesy and more come-to-bed than her panda print ones.
“Underwear!” Melissa hissed over her shoulder, looking at Abby’s order form. “You’re here to buy underwear and it’d better be something completely over-indulgent and super sexy or I will be sharing your antics with… hmm… let me see, whose number do I have?” She paused for dramatic effect, picking up and scrolling through her phone. “Brad!” she announced, pointing to his illuminated name on her screen.
“Oh my God! You wouldn’t!” Abby felt herself abruptly sobering up.
Melissa waved her finger over the send button and Abby felt her heart leap to her mouth. “STOP! I’ll do it. I’ll order underwear! Please just put it away,” she pleaded, aware that she sounded pathetic, as if Melissa were holding a loaded gun, but in her over inebriated state Abby couldn’t be sure she wouldn’t actually do it. Melissa winked and popped the phone back into her bag.
Abby skulked off to look at the underwear rail under Melissa’s watchful eye. Leah obviously knew her stuff and had brought a diverse range of lingerie from size 12 to 20 – quite literally something for everyone. Abby liked the pretty matching sets which combined lace and silk in an elegantly sexy way. She chose a set in deep purple and decided to try it on. Lining up outside the bathroom (the only room with a full length mirror) she felt the need to make idle chat.
“Must be the winners line,” Abby grinned. The flush of crimson on the cheeks of the young woman in front of her made it quite clear she didn’t want to bring attention back to her ‘purple bullet’ prize. “That’s pretty,” Abby continued, trying to change the subject and pointing at the anything but pretty outfit the young woman was holding. And now you are drawing attention to her Madame Whiplash number! Abby tried biting her lip to stop herself from saying more but then noticed the size 12 label. “Pahhhh!” Realising she had actually said that out loud she hurriedly attempted to hide her pointed look at the garment’s label and faked a coughing fit. By the time she finished spluttering the woman was heading into the bathroom shutting and locking the door a little too enthusiastically. Abby hadn’t meant to be unkind but honestly, she knew the girl had to be kidding herself. As Patty joined the back of the line with an obviously-too-small zebra print chemise set Abby bit her lip.
By the end of the evening Abby had ordered four sets of underwear in various sexy, sultry colours, and her new pyjamas. It was a big step forward and, of course, she had her red silk and black lace prize to investigate when she got home. She was beyond happy with her achievements. Even in her drunken state Melissa told her how very proud of her she was and gave her a few too many hugs – though that, mixed with their talk of sex toys and chocolate delights, gave the taxi driver an entertaining fare on their ride home.
When Abby woke in the morning she could barely move her head off the pillow. She generally tried not to drink to excess; she hated the hangover feeling. She also knew she had broken her own rule of not showering before bed after a night out. It usually served to make her feel at least a little more refreshed upon waking. She put her hands to her throbbing head. The girls! Regretting the sudden move to sitting, she let her eyes adjust. Next to the bed Simon had left toast, a now-cold cup of tea and a note:
We’ve popped to the park. Back for lunch. Thought you might need a little recovery time. xxx
Abby leaned back against the headboard as the sight of the toast made her tummy churn. She grabbed her stomach. What the FUCK? Abby’s hands clutched at the silk she could feel swathed across her stomach. Her eyes bulged and her head rushed. She was wearing the red silky number! The prize! The little red camisole and black lace knickers – she actually had them on! Holy hell, what have I done?
25
While her stomach still churned Abby was feeling more sober by the minute, her head surging through throbbing pain towards raging panic. Had she slept with Simon? When had she put the bloody things on? She couldn’t remember at all. Did she want to sleep with Simon? She really didn’t know. Surely I would remember! She stood in the shower for what felt like an eternity, letting the water pour over her and desperately hoping it would clear some of the fog from her mind. What was I thinking, getting so steaming drunk? While she liked the numbing effect of alcohol she had learnt months back that too much only served to bring her fur
ther down when the effects wore off – like she really needed any help with that. She washed her hair, enjoying the cleansing bubbles as they foamed on her scalp and slipped down her wet skin. As the water began to run cold she got out and wrapped herself in the biggest, softest towel she could find. She needed a hug, a big consoling bear hug, which the towel didn’t really provide. Her phone buzzed. She winced at the noise and the thought that it might be Simon. How could she face him?
It was safe. It was Melissa. Abigail Turner, my head is banging. Let’s stick to the gym, at least that’s brutal in a healthy way! Hope Simon got you in OK. I offered but he said I was in no fit state. Harsh! I think he was enjoying having you draped over him. xx
Draped over him! Oh God! Abby slunk to her knees. It was awful – what had she done? She had a sudden flashback of holding Simon’s face in her hands and the words “…but with your wife is the only time it is right” came into her mind. She tried desperately to remember what happened next but she couldn’t. It was exasperating. Her head went swimmy from trying to focus and she rushed back to the bathroom to be sick. As she had hardly eaten the day before she heaved molten liquid until she could heave no more and dry-retched on her own emptiness. After rinsing her foul mouth she slumped on the bed. Hoping to relieve the emptiness she picked up her toast and nibbled at it. It had been burnt and scraped, normally her favourite way to eat it, but having been left on the side it was cold, and any moisture from the butter had long since disappeared. Toast and crumbs filled her too-dry mouth and stuck to her Velcro tongue. She gave up.
An idea sprung to her mind; her eyes scanned the room and she searched for her clothes. They weren’t in the bedroom. Her head throbbed as she moved. They weren’t in the laundry basket. Abby peeked downstairs. It was quiet. Treading lightly, she went down. There was no sign of Bramble; they must have taken him to the park. Her eyes bulged as she reached the lounge, finding her clothes neatly piled on the leather chair. Mallory’s chair. Oh Mallory, what would you think of me now? There was no way she had been in a fit state to fold them there. This did not look good. Hearing a noise outside she darted back towards the stairs. She wasn’t ready to face Simon, and certainly not wrapped in a towel. Her brain hammered at her forehead as she took the stairs two at a time, expletives spilling from her mouth.