by Carol Thomas
Oh God, it felt so good to be held in his arms. She knew she should set her hands somewhere appropriate and safe but she couldn’t help herself. She slipped them inside his jacket and traced along the top of his belt line. She felt his taut muscles flex at her touch and inhaled when her fingertips came to rest on the dimples at the small of his back. Those dimples, the ones she had seen just above the line of his shorts, the ones she had imagined touching and trailing small kisses over just before she had dropped the hot chocolate. Blinking away how flustered she had been on that day, she allowed herself a moment to enjoy the feel of them. Beneath the thin cotton of his shirt she traced small circles around them with her manicured nails and heard his intake of breath.
She looked up; his eyes were dark and focused intently on her. She was affecting him. She could feel heat rising to his skin. She smiled a not-so-terribly-innocent smile and he bit his bottom lip. Heat rising to her cheeks, Abby wondered how it would feel to bite that lip. Unable to trust herself she looked away; focusing on his lips was not a good idea. Closing her eyes, she rested her head on his shoulder. She could feel the smooth, warm skin of his neck and the rhythmic hint of his pulse that had quickened there. He smelt delicious, of something familiar she had smelt before. She felt warmth spreading inside, awakening her nerves and causing her heart to beat faster. What are you doing? A small, sensible part of her mind was calling to her; attempting to get her to think this through. But she didn’t want to. She needed this moment. She needed him.
With her eyes closed Abby’s senses seemed to heighten. She felt Brad’s hand touch her neck and trace slowly down her back. She swallowed as his fingers hitched over her bra strap before continuing to slide down her spine and coming to rest with his other hand at the small of her back. He sighed into her, a deep, soft groan that turned her insides to liquid. They were swaying together. Abby felt the need for him building inside her and she knew he felt the same. She could feel him warm and firm up against her. Everyone and everything else in the room melted away as all Abby could think about was how much she wanted Bradley Hunter.
As they danced she could feel his muscles rippling and couldn’t help but imagine how they looked beneath his shirt. Without thinking she slowly traced her fingers along the top of his belt, allowing just her fingertips to slip slightly into the warmth at his waistband. He sucked in a deep breath and the air caught her neck as he exhaled slowly; goosebumps tingled down her side. She shuddered and moved closer into his warmth.
“Abby, you’ll have to stop, or I won’t be responsible,” he whispered. She could hear the effect she was having on him in the quiver that rippled through his deep voice. It didn’t make her want to stop. It made her want more.
Her conscience whispered “Simon” into her mind, while the word “Brad” slipped breathlessly from her mouth. Hearing her speak his name in that tone was more than he could take. Abby felt his muscles ripple as she spoke and swallowed as she imagined what more she could do to him. Kissing her gently on the forehead, Brad stepped back. Abby looked at him, panic in her eyes, not wanting it to end. Needing to be close to him. Without speaking he took her hand and led her off the dance floor. Patty waved Abby’s bag and shoes in the air and may have called something after them but Abby didn’t stop to listen. She was lost to a world where only following Brad mattered and the draw of his hand taking her away from everybody and everything was all that she recognised.
36
Passing through the foyer in a haze they slipped out the front door of the hotel into the cool evening air. Abby welcomed the sensation on her hot cheeks, and enjoyed the breeze against her enlivened nerves as goosebumps rose on her skin. She followed Brad silently as he led her away from the other guests, the light and the music, into the shadows. Part of her knew she should let go of Brad’s hand, step away and break the spell, but she couldn’t. The attraction flowing through their touch was too strong. As they reached the end of the building, Brad hesitated and turned to Abby. Still holding his hand she leaned back against the wall. The stone felt hard and cold against the heat of her back. She curled her toes into the grass and felt the damp earth below. Brad paused a pace away as they both stood, gazing at each other, catching their breath. The evening was calm and still. Abby could hear the thud of her own heart pounding over the distant sound of the disco music.
Don’t do anything you’ll regret. Kennedy’s words slipped into her mind. Abby closed her eyes and pushed them away. Brad waited and Abby knew he was waiting for her, letting her make the next move. Her mind was scrambling and she couldn’t (or didn’t want to) draw any sense from it; instead she acted on impulse, drawing him in closer to her. She moved her fingers to the back of his neck, traced round his shoulders and down his firm biceps. She wondered if he could feel the heat from the lust-fuelled fire she felt spreading within, causing her skin to flush and her insides to quiver. Following her lead Brad traced gently along her shoulders and round her neck. His fingers tangled into her hair at her nape, causing her head to tilt towards his and her mouth to slightly open. Abby looked into his eyes; his pupils were swollen with desire and yet something about his gaze revealed a hint of vulnerability. His thumbs circled on her hot skin before he drew her closer and placed soft, gentle kisses on her full lips. She welcomed their touch and responded, kissing him back, feeling the effects throughout her body. She felt his tongue slip into her mouth and entwine with hers. He groaned, causing her legs to numb and her body to sag towards his. He leaned his weight against her, holding her to the wall. She could feel every inch of him pressed against her as their tongues tangled in their mind-rushing, desire-fuelled duel.
It was an amazing assault on Abby’s senses. It was so strange and yet exciting being held and kissed by somebody new. She knew she was being driven by lust. It was so different to the intimacy she and Simon shared: they never made clumsy moves with their hands any more, they knew how to position themselves to kiss, how to elicit the most pleasure from one another. They were well-practised and more than good at it. But this, this was different and all new. It was an exploration – a much more impetuous form of arousal. Abby’s mind couldn’t keep up. She vaguely remembered wondering, some months back, if she could get the hurt and anxiety fucked out of her; was that what she was trying to do? Was that what she was about to do? She didn’t know how far she wanted to go, but she couldn’t stop her hands sliding over Brad’s firm torso. She could feel his chest through his shirt and began to feel dizzy. Oh God!
In response Brad slid one hand down Abby’s side, his thumb tracing the edge of her breast. Her cheeks burned at the involuntary moan that escaped her. Eagerly, Abby slid Brad’s jacket off his shoulders. As it fell to the grass her hands slid down his back until she felt his firm glutes flex in her hands. Oh fuck! You’re going too far. The movement sent him edging yet closer to her. She could feel herself drowning; drowning in her desire for him and the scent of his aftershave that she wanted to lose herself in – that smell, she loved that smell. His hands continued to trace up and down her sides; she gasped loudly as he slid one hand up inside her top and cupped her breast over the thin lace of her bra and traced his thumb over her tight nipple. She pushed herself unashamedly forwards into his hand, forcing him to grasp her more firmly. Fuck! Abby’s world began to spin. Everything was happening so fast; part of her mind chanted Simon while her traitorous body succumbed to her need and Brad’s touch. She clenched her hands, grinding him nearer to her, feeling the friction of his arousal so close to where she needed it. She heard her unrecognisable voice calling his name.
“Abby!” His voice was rough in response.
She knew he needed her too. Their clothes were all that were stopping them from going further, deeper into the abyss.
What was that? Abby thought she heard something, but with confusion still reigning in her mind and their audible panting she quickly dismissed it. She couldn’t focus, not with Brad pressed so firmly against her; she dug her nails into his back and bit into his shoulder as
he kissed her neck and across the top of her breasts. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could continue. Brad began pulling at her skirt, tugging it upwards at her hips, oh yes! She needed to feel him closer still and began to part her legs as they were gradually freed from the constraints of her skirt. Don’t do anything you’ll regret. Kennedy’s words slipped into her mind again. Abby growled into the air, fuelled by her building frustration and confusion.
“Is that you?”
Abby froze, sure she heard something this time.
“What is it? Abby, what’s wrong?” Brad panted.
“Listen.” Abby held her breath so she could hear over her own ragged breathing.
“It’s nothing.” Brad kissed her, but Abby didn’t respond.
“Oooooh, Abby? Are you out here?” Patty’s voice screeched through the evening air.
“Fuck!” Brad cursed and stepped back.
“Abby, Abby are you out here? Your phone was ringing.”
Abby looked across at the light. Brad urged her to stay in the shadows, but she was flustered by Patty’s presence and had started pulling down her skirt and straightening her top. Guilt flooded over her. What was I thinking? The lust that had fired warmth into her body and driven her desire drained away.
“Abby, don’t. Let it be just us…” Brad pleaded, pulling her arm.
Abby paused; she could barely look into his eyes as guilt slipped over her, the realisation of how far she almost went stinging at her conscience.
She tried to pull her arm away. “Brad, I can’t!”
“Abby please…”
The heat that had enveloped them faded as Abby felt the chill of the cold dark shadow they hid in surrounding them.
“But don’t you see Brad? Don’t you see… it isn’t just us? It never has been.”
Brad motioned to the light, his voice a harsh whisper. “She’s gone now… listen.”
Patty’s voice had disappeared into the distance, but it didn’t matter. She had broken the spell.
Abby pulled her arm free. “I wasn’t talking about Patty. You know that’s not what I meant.” Her voice came out harsher than she intended. She tried to move out of the darkness but Brad still held her arm.
“But you do want me. I know you do, God Abby, we almost… I know you want me, like I want you.”
She looked into his eyes and stopped trying to pull away. “You’re right, I do – I mean, I did want you. Part of me still does, believe me. But Brad, this is not who I am. Not really.”
“But it could be, if you’d just give in to it.” He sighed heavily.
Abby took a calming breath and swallowed. She wanted to run away but she owed Brad an explanation, probably more. “Brad, you… you’re great. You’ve been kind and lovely and you deserve someone who will truly want you back, you deserve that. What I was about to do with you, it came from a different need. And I shouldn’t have let things get that far. I am so sorry Brad. You… you bring out the crazy in me.”
Aware she was giving a parting speech but not wanting the moment to end Brad offered a smile. “I like you crazy.”
“And I like this kind of crazy, believe me; it’s a relief, but—”
Raising his eyebrows Brad interrupted, “I could make you feel more relieved.”
Abby giggled. “Brad, you are so bad!”
Bantering felt more like their usual territory, like they were on safer ground. They both relaxed a little. Abby leaned her forehead against his lips as he planted a kiss there.
“If you let me I could show you how good I can be…” he pressed.
Abby recognised the bravado in Brad’s voice, the self-preservation ringing through.
“Oh I know you could be good, I’ve thought about it a LOT.”
“You have?” Brad brightened and the glint in his eyes shone in the moonlight.
“Yes, but—”
“No, don’t ‘but’.”
“But the truth is, I can’t let Simon go.” Abby surprised herself. Deep down she sort of knew it but that was the first time she had admitted it to anyone, even to herself.
The mood shifted again as Brad growled at Simon’s name. “But you were about to… we almost…”
Abby continued to look at him sincerely. “I know and I’m sorry to have led you on, I really am.” She pushed away an image of the two of them moments earlier. “But honestly Brad, I don’t want what we’ve shared to be something I regret. I like you too much.”
“If you like me then why not give this… this little bit of crazy we share, a go? He doesn’t deserve to have you.”
Abby sighed. “Oh Brad, it’s just not that easy! Life, you know… it’s complicated. We were so young when we first got together… we’ve shared so much. I can’t just walk away from it all, he’s a part of me, of who I am. The truth is… the truth is… I love him. Despite how hard I’ve found everything, I love him and I want to be with him.” Abby hadn’t expected the resolute tone in her voice, but suddenly she felt certain. She loved Simon.
Her words stung Brad. “A moment ago you wanted me, you can’t deny it.”
“Yes, my need for that moment with you was real but Brad, if we go too far, if I go too far, I might not ever be able to get back what I had. Simon and I will be too broken to fix and I don’t want to be the one to do that to us. I want to… I have to be the one to let us try.” Abby’s words filled her with hope. She could see it all clearly for the first time. She wanted Simon and she was going to do all that she could to get her marriage back on track.
Brad had seen the look in her eyes as she spoke about Simon. He knew he had lost her, that he probably had never truly had her. “You know, this could be your chance.”
Abby looked at him, confused.
“Your Get Out Of Jail Free moment.”
“What?”
“The only time you could get away with being with another man and your husband would have to accept it.” It was a long shot, but he considered it worth a try. The cheeky grin, the self-preservation and the bravado were back.
Abby knew he was protecting himself and felt guilty that part of her had actually been ready to play that card. She sighed. “Ah well, it’s a Chance I can’t take… If you’ll pardon the pun.” She smiled and started to walk back towards the light and the music in search of Patty and her phone.
As she neared the corner of the building Brad called her name. She glanced back.
“If you change your mind, I’m happy to oblige… any time.” He winked.
Abby took a long look at him looking slightly ruffled and still thoroughly gorgeous, smiled and said thank you. She knew he was making it easy for her; he was letting her go.
37
I love Simon! I love my husband… We’re going to be OK!
Abby loved having her notebook with her to confide in, she liked the new optimistic tone it was taking. She really had turned a corner, she was sure of it now.
She decided not to tell Simon how she felt on the phone. She spoke to him and they had a chat about the girls and Bramble and it was lovely. Since then she had called her mum to fill her in about the day, minus a few details, and lay awake most of the night, cursing the fact that she had drunk earlier in the day. As morning finally came she decided not to wait for breakfast, checked she had all her things, took the flowers Simon had sent from the sink, inhaled their lovely scent and left. She couldn’t wait to wave Adam and Melissa off; instead she sent Melissa a text telling her to have a great time. She’d have to find out where they were honeymooning later.
Abby breathed in the crisp morning air. She was early enough for the dew still to be beaded on the cobwebs, like discarded jewels from the opulence of the day before. The sun was rising in the bright blue sky but didn’t yet offer the full force of its warmth. It was that moment in the day where everything smells fresh, a new dawn, a new beginning full of hope and promise. Abby beamed; she genuinely beamed in a way she hadn’t for too long. She thought about the unwritten future that stretched out in f
ront of her and knew for the first time since everything had happened that she and Simon and the girls would be forging that future together. For a moment she almost felt whole again.
Throwing her case into the back seat of her car Abby noticed something attached to her windscreen. It was a bag containing wedding favours and a note. Taking it out, she read, You didn’t collect your favours, not that anybody actually likes sugared almonds (don’t tell Melissa I said that). But I wasn’t sure you would stop to say goodbye and I just wanted to say good luck Abby, and stay crazy (in a good way). Love Brad xxx
Abby looked at the net of five coloured almonds. Attached to it was a label:
For life there are no retakes, no outtakes and no sequel; live each day as if it’s your final take, make every minute count and be happy!
It was perfect and it was the kind of thoughtful gesture Simon would have made. It bought tears to Abby’s eyes; she knew she was letting someone special go. But more than anything she knew that what she was doing was right. She wanted her life back, she wanted her family all under the same roof, she wanted her husband and she wanted it all now! Her mind was clear on that, blissfully, uncomplicatedly clear. She ripped the label off and tucked it inside her notebook.
Sitting outside the house, feeling a little sweaty now the sun was high in the sky and glaring through the windscreen, Abby wished she had spent at least part of the journey thinking how she should play it once she got home instead of driving like a lunatic, cursing at anybody who dared get in her way. Rachel was there, her car was outside, but that didn’t matter. In fact knowing how excited Rachel would be to see them back together kind of built the moment even more in Abby’s mind. She so wanted to get it right.