It was empowering to face them and also terrifying. More than anything, I struggled with the need and desire to die. Losing Avery left me no reason to live.
For months, I would get up and run with Deacon, making sure to remind him everything I said was because of the infection in my body. He gave me that play and many others.
Avery.
Well, Avery doesn’t give me any reprieve. Like a drug I couldn’t resist, I reached to Avery not long after we left. In a late night drunken call, I told him more than I should. I also said I wouldn’t come back for him because the risk was too great. I didn’t tell him everything and I didn’t tell him my plan and set up for the money.
When I was capable, I went to the bank and transferred all my savings to Avery. Living off nothing, when I got a job at sixteen, I had saved every penny I could. With Laura buying my clothes and knowing how to eat without gorging myself, I had money in the bank. I wrote a letter to Laura, telling her of my desire to see the world. I also gave her money to cover Avery’s first semester of college, books, and living expenses. I then continued to cover as much of his education as I could, using his mom as my money funnel until she passed away.
My stomach churns thinking about the way I let Avery think what built between us had driven me away. I let Avery believe I wasn’t man enough to be with him, all while every ounce of my being craved him.
I owed him everything I have given him and so much more.
Avery gave me a place to belong with him and, even now, I will bust my ass until my dying breath to lay the world at his feet, if only he will let me. Well, as he tells me all the time: on my terms.
The one thing Avery wants, I can’t give him.
Me.
I’m off limits. I’m cursed, damned, and hellfire rains down on anything or anyone I touch.
Ask my mother.
For years, I didn’t visit Avery at all. The occasional call or text when I would selfishly touch base, but never anything consistent. I always kept up with him through his mother. She got a call from me three times a week like clockwork. If Laura hadn’t died, I don’t know if Avery and I would have had the communication we did have for a while … until he disconnected his phone, that is. The memory of her funeral assaults me. It’s what brought me back to Alabama and face-to-face with Avery.
I push it down, saving the torture to my soul for later.
I kick the loose rocks on the sidewalk as I take in the gray sky above. Taking out my cigarettes, I pull one out and light up. Inhaling, I let the nicotine fill my lungs.
The air has a chill to it.
I’m unsteady. It’s a feeling I am familiar with, but this is more, so much more.
Deacon stayed in Tennessee with his woman Tempest. They are playing house with her daughter and all that happily ever after shit. Judge and Tamalyn stayed, too. Tamalyn and Tempest are cousins who might as well be sisters with as close as they are.
The Devil’s Due MC, six nomads with no place to call home, suddenly aren’t such wanderers after all.
To me, watching each of my brothers settle down has done nothing but rattle my soul even more. Collector was the first to fall, and it happened right here in this very shop. His baby sister was kidnapped, raped, and killed when she was just a kid. Her best friend, Emerson, who goes by Sonnie, was running from the past when she landed at Old Dog’s shop. She’s a tattoo artist.
Since the guys all have this connection to Old Dog, including me, we always stop in to visit. We never stay long, though. I’m thankful for it.
Usually, a stop in Leed means three days, which is enough time for me to go to the bank, add money to Avery’s account, put flowers on Laura’s grave, and yank one out until I spew jizz all over Butch’s grave while I silently think of what I hope hell is like for him. By the time we leave, I’m in overdrive, ready to escape.
I rub my arms, wishing the chills away. Every time we are here, it’s like I have spiders crawling under my skin.
Where do I go from here?
In my fantasies, I give Avery everything he wants. I open myself and my world to him.
In my realities, I stay on the run.
He drew the line in the sand a long time ago.
Avery always said he was my dirty little secret. But it wasn’t that. And it isn’t that even today. I have brass balls as the bastard I’ve become and I’ll tell the world I suck his dick if it meant his happiness and safety.
Look what happened? I couldn’t risk someone cutting into him, causing him pain because no one knew the secrets we shared.
I wouldn’t dare risk him. Ever.
How can a love like ours be explained?
How can it be healthy when it’s born of fire and pain?
The best thing I ever did for Avery Marcus Collins was send that text then take off as soon as I could. However, to keep paying for his school and house, I had to stay in touch. I did it for him.
Selfishly, for me, too.
Checking in was the only reminder I had that my heart actually fucking beat.
No one gets to me like Avery. I won’t let them. I have tasted pussy, had that shit all over my cock. None of it makes me feel or gets me as rock-hard as Avery Collins. No woman in the world can give me what he has.
“Hey, man, thanks for gettin’ Avery to watch the fish,” Collector mutters as he comes out of the shop’s front door, pulling out his own cigarettes.
“So, this is it?” I ask, knowing Sonnie has her shotgun house for them to build their life together in. Old Dog left her the business in his will. We all needed space and time on the road after he was killed trying to protect Sonnie and Collector. Old Dog hired a man whose brother turned out to be a serial rapist. With twisted loyalties, Randy, who worked at Old Dog’s shop, covered for his brother Ralphie, by killing his victims, and then they would move on to a different city and state.
On the road, we ended up back in New Orleans where X found out the girl he lived on the streets with wasn’t dead like he thought. No, in the twisted, fucked-up life he left behind, she was a hooker just trying to stay alive.
X and Hadley had so much to overcome, and they have. Still, the two of them seem as unsettled on where to go from here as I am. While Sonnie has made it clear she wants life in the shop here in Alabama, Hadley has a friend who is still in Tennessee. She said, if Cameron Linn would move, they will stay wherever she thinks is best for her son Brennan. The bond they created together in a life of pain is one they want to carry into the comforts and securities of the life they have today.
Stacked, the stories from each of their pasts have stacked together, leading us to where we are today. Collector, X, Judge, Rowdy, and Deacon are finally at peace.
I get it.
Happy as fuck for them. Well, as happy as someone like me can be.
Could I have that comfort with Avery? At this point in time, I don’t even know if Avery is planning to stay here or will give me the second chance to right the wrongs between us. Would I like the opportunity? Yes, Mitchell would. Trapper would like to show the whole town of Leed, Alabama they didn’t win.
What holds me back? The fact that Avery has all the power in his large, masculine hands. I’m man enough to take a lot of shit, but rejection from him isn’t something I think I can take.
Then again, do I give a fuck enough to take the chance? That is the biggest question of them all.
Chapter Thirteen
~Avery~
“W e can get some fish,” Meaghan says, staring at me from the bed where she lays with a simple white sheet covering her naked bottom underneath.
“Break the chains. It’s a habit to feed the fish, Meaghan. It will pass in time,” I explain as I look out of the window of our bedroom. The sky outside is gray. I tend to get up before her and do this very thing every day—absently try to feed fish that aren’t here. I guess I spent too much time in Sonnie’s house, waiting on Mitchell, like a fool.
I look to the nightstand where I see the time is eleven twenty-two in the morning.
/> It’s quiet in this house. The noise from the fish tank is absent.
When Mitchell asked me to stay at Sonnie’s house, I didn’t want to. I didn’t know Sonnie. And everything I knew of the Devil’s Due MC was tangled in them taking Mitchell away. It took some time and more than one drunken call from Mitchell to learn that he left to protect me. I still don’t know what to make of the whole situation except some assholes ripped us apart before we could even begin. There was this piece of me, though, that had this hope staying at Sonnie’s would reconnect the two of us.
I mean, Sonnie and her man Collector would be coming home one day. With them, I could hope Trapper, as they call him, would come, too. I would have Mitchell “Trapper” Gates back in my life. However, the more time that passed, the more life moved on without him.
He has a good life with the Devil’s Due. They are six nomads roaming the roads solving unsolved crime and delivering justice. Trapper has made a name for himself in other club’s too. Collecting markers, he calls it. To me, I think he gets off on the thought of dying. The boy who wanted to do better than his beginnings has grown into a man who doesn’t care to have a future.
I owe Mitchell Gates everything.
My pain and my love are all his. I have learned to move on. I have learned to love again, albeit a little differently, I have found a way to survive without the piece of me that belongs solely to him.
Growing up, my mom was amazing. She was everything anyone could ask for in a mom. Butch was great until he wasn’t.
When my mom passed away, she left me a letter with money.
Mitchell’s money.
I thought it was hers but quickly learned it wasn’t. No, the money in her account was mine, but there was more.
Apparently, Mitchell paid for my entire college education.
He didn’t want me to struggle, but he didn’t know how to be with me. My mother knew it all and carried his secrets for him. Inside, it ate away at me. She knew how much I loved him, yet she let him stay away. The piece of me that holds on to hope relished the way he still took care of me from so far away. The angry side of me wanted to give him back every penny before kicking him in the balls.
Life had other plans, or I should say, Mitchell did.
The secrets between us, I will take to my grave, while I have shared everything with Meaghan, I have never given her the piece of me that belongs to him. I have never told her about the kiss. It’s mine to hold onto. To have him in my life, even if he won’t be my lover, is an agony I will endure for him, for us. I don’t feel complete without him. As much as he’s hurt me, he heals all the broken inside me. It’s like we’re these two puzzle pieces left to complete a masterpiece but without one it can never be done.
I have an amazing job as a photo journalist for the Leed Daily News . And I still paint on the side with a studio in the back of Meaghan’s pottery and pastry shop—Arts and Tarts. When we first graduated, I got a job painting furniture because I liked jobs where I could do my own thing. It carried over into canvas work and has grown slowly from there. When my mother died, I got into photography and it turns out I am much better at pictures than paintings, which is saying a lot.
Meaghan. My unexpected angel is my very best friend, my lover, and all the light in the very darkest depths of my soul. She came along in the most unlikely places and gave me peace in the chaos of my mind, even when I thought I didn’t deserve it.
She also is a reminder that there is always worse in the world than what you face. She has overcome so much more than I think even I could have endured. Together we draw strength from each other.
“Thinkin’ awfully hard over there,” she whispers seductively from our bed. “You thinkin’ about him?”
I sigh.
She moves slowly to me, dropping the sheet in a puddle on the side of the bed. In all her naked beauty, she reaches out and tentatively touches my chest. “Everyone works through things differently, Avery. Can’t fault the man for running when he’s keeping shit from touching you. We know how this town is. Whether he ever admits it or not, everyone talks. Your mother’s letter even confirmed what you already knew.”
My mother’s letter. The one that spoke volumes about the way Mitchell really felt.
My dearest Avery,
If you’re reading this, then I am in Heaven smiling down. Since I’m gone, I’m not breaking Mitchell’s confidence in telling you the truth. The money that has paid for your education came from Mitchell. The money I’ve been slipping you to cover your apartment so you didn’t have to move home comes from him.
He loves you, son.
With every breath he takes, he loves you.
I always told you, to really know a person is to not hear the words, but to see their heart. I know Mitchell left and it was hard.
I need you to forgive him for the pain, Avery. I need you not to hear the words, but to see his heart.
Avery, his heart, his actions have all been to keep you safe and allow you to live out your dreams.
Man or woman, I couldn’t ask for a better partner for you, my only child. Straight or gay, I couldn’t ask for someone to love you more than he does.
He’s on a rough path but his heart will one day guide him home again. Be open and be ready. Be forgiving and be is ever steady, son.
He loves you to the depths of his soul.
Avery, I had a good life where I got to watch you grow into a smart, strong, and successful man. I die in peace knowing that even if it doesn’t happen right now, one day you and Mitchell will find a way to be together. I find peace knowing you have someone who loves you as much as I do.
Love harder, son.
Forgive easily.
Hold on tight when it matters most.
Love, Mom
The letter is engraved in my memories. She knew about Mitchell. From the moment I read the letter, my soul was seared to his without him even knowing it. Part of me still feels guilty for moving on. But life felt like it was passing me by until Meaghan came into my world.
I wrap my arm around her, pulling her close before pressing my lips to her temple in a small kiss. “My every hell tainted him, broke him, and covered him. I never shielded him the way he has me.”
She sighs softly. “The way I see it, you may not have shielded him, but you’ve protected me. Every gift Mitchell gave you with his unconditional acceptance, his love, and his protection, you have now bestowed upon me.”
Holding her, a calm washes over me. “You see so much strength in the broken mess that is me.”
“You are stronger than you think, Avery. One day, I hope to meet Mitchell. I hope to share our story with him. I hope to express my gratitude for the sacrifice he made so you would be in the right place at the right time to save me from myself.”
I stiffen at the memory of finding her.
Meaghan rolls up on her tiptoes before gripping my face in both hands, tilting my head to look her in the eyes. She is short at five-foot-one with blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Her every emotion plays in those pupils. She is an open book and it’s refreshing to have it so easy with her.
The determination in her eyes burns bright in their depths. “One day, I’m going to have the honor of meeting Mitchell Gates. One day, I’m gonna kiss the man for saving you the pain he endured, the hate he took on all to save you so you could one day save me. Everything happens for a reason, Avery. While I hate to see you hurt, I am beyond grateful for the man you are in my life today.”
Pulling her to me, our lips engage. She doesn’t despise Mitchell and the past we share. There is no jealousy that he will swoop in and take me away because she knows he already has a part of me I can’t give to her. She accepts me as I am.
The passion fills me as my cock hardens.
No longer afraid of sexual feelings, I embrace the endorphins as my body comes alive. Leaning down, I grip the back of her thighs, easily scooping her up as she wraps those limbs around me. My cock throbs, standing at attention as she rocks her hips
, teasing me.
I tangle my tongue with hers as she easily gives as much as she takes.
She sucks on my bottom lip before biting down, giving me the pinch of pain I crave.
“Give in to me, Avery,” she whispers, moving her hips to line her entrance with my dick. Holding her legs, I let her drop her ass and slide my cock deep inside her heat.
Moving to press her back into the wall, I still, feeling every inch of my manhood as her inner muscles pulse around me. She bounces against me, causing my cock to slide a little ways out, and then she drops her hips, taking me deep again. Her tits pressed against my chest, she whimpers, wanting me to thrust.
“Never knew anything could feel like this,” I half-growl before dropping my head to her neck where I suck before sliding out and back inside her wet pussy.
“I want to meet him, your Mitchell, I want to meet him. I want to watch as he gives you everything you both have denied yourselves. I want to know him.”
Fuck, I get harder.
She knows it, too.
I haven’t kept a single secret from Meaghan. There isn’t a fantasy or encounter I haven’t told her, including the kiss I shared a lifetime ago with Mitchell Gates. Even now, with all the pain between us, the heartbreak, the betrayal, a simple mention of his name has me ready to go wild.
I slam into her. “You want us both. You want us both to fill you. Fuck that pretty pink pussy and that ass,” I groan as I pound in and out of her, envisioning the erotic things we could do with Mitchell if he were here.
Fantasies are all they are and ever will be. Meaghan gets off on the images as much as I do, so it works for us both.
“I want you to grind over his cock, sliding it between your pussy lips without going inside you. I want to lick you both at the same time,” I tell her as she trembles in my arms, no doubt getting close to her pinnacle. “I want to watch you suck him off while I fuck you from behind. I want to give you my world, his world, and create a world of our own together.”
“He’ll come back, Avery,” she pants, gripping my face and making me look at her. “He’ll be back, and then everything from the past will be the past. I feel it in my core,” she says as she clenches around my cock.
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