Now, as I reread that, it feels mighty good.
Bluff City, Utah Territory
Tuesday, March 6th, 1888. Some very good news. At our recent stake conference, President Hammond called twenty more men to join the Blue Mountain Mission. Now we will have the manpower to really work on our settlement on the North Fork.
One note of interest. After conference, as we sat around eating, those of us who had been up north were talking with President Hammond. We kept referring to our two sites for settlements as North and South Montezuma, or sometimes Verdure for South Montezuma. President Hammond liked that name, but he didn’t feel that North Montezuma was a suitable name for a settlement.
Names were bandied about, including Hammond, after President Hammond, or Antioch, which is a Biblical name. One of the younger people suggested Monticello, the name of Thomas Jefferson’s plantation in Virginia. That struck a responsive chord in many of us, and President Hammond declared that henceforth, North Montezuma would be called Monticello. So now we have a name for our town—just no town yet.
Monday, March 12th, 1888. I went back this morning to try to patch things up with Edie. I think it helped, but there is still a coolness between us that hurts a little. It is completely my fault. Last night, I went over fully expecting to talk to her about getting engaged. I had hinted to her that I had something really important to talk about. In the rush of getting ready to go over, I forgot to take the ring with me. Then her parents both stayed right in the sitting room with us all night. Her father wants to know everything about the mission. I think he’s a little envious. Then, as usual, he gave us five minutes to say good-bye, and I lost my nerve. I felt that rushing through it was not the best idea. She was very disappointed and a little upset, I think. Did she know what I was thinking of doing? Not sure. But I don’t blame her for being frustrated. This winter has been very hard for both of us. I did not kiss her good night.
With my usual lack of finesse, I botched things badly. I leave before dawn to return to Monticello, but I plan to come back for my stock in a couple of weeks, so I hope to fix things then. I am already missing her.
Saturday, March 24th, 1888. We’ve been working at the town site nearly two weeks. It’s been stormy and miserable all week. Not good working conditions, but we did lay out some plots for Monticello. I decided to return to Bluff tomorrow. That is good. My mind is made up. When I return home, I am going to ask Edie to marry me.
March 28, 1888—Bluff City, Utah Territory
Mitch helped Edie climb up onto the high seat of the Swing Tree and gave her a gentle push. He backed away, looking around. “I can’t believe we’re actually alone at last.”
“You can thank me for that,” she said primly.
“How so?”
“Well, first I told Papa that you and I needed some time alone to talk.”
Mitch hooted. “You really did? That’s wonderful. How did he take that?”
“He likes you, Mitch. He has high hopes for us, and so with a little nudge from Mama he gave his permission. He just doesn’t want us home too late.”
“Okay.” He was watching Edie closely. Her “high hopes” comment had thrown him a little.
“I . . .” Mitch started. “I have high hopes for us too, Edie, and that’s what I want to talk to you about.”
“I would say that it’s time.”
He swallowed hard. Her tone of voice made it clear that this wasn’t going to be a shoo-in. “Could we sit over here where we can talk facing each other?”
She instantly let go of the ropes and hopped down. “I would like that.”
There were two short cottonwood logs that half framed the fire pit at an angle. He lifted the end of one and swung it around until they were opposite each other. Edie sat down, and Mitch took the seat across from her. It felt like the ring in his pocket weighed about a ton and a half. He resisted the temptation to pull it out and start with that. For several seconds he studied his hands, and then he finally he looked up at her. He went to open his mouth but was struck with the sight of her. The sun was down now, but the evening light was soft on her face. She was so lovely he found it hard to begin. But he knew it was time. He took a quick breath and plunged forward.
“If it’s all right, Edie. I’d like to say something first. Then, if you have questions or comments, we can talk.”
“All right. And after you’re done, I’d like to ask you to do the same for me.”
“Good.” Again he hesitated. He had been going over and over this moment in his mind, rehearsing what to say. Now it all left him. He cleared his throat. “Let me begin by sharing an experience I had two years ago now. It was connected with the death of Amasa Barton out on the Rincon.”
That obviously surprised her, but she only nodded. So he told her about how his belt had broken as they were leaving for Elk Mountain and how he had gone to the trading post to find a replacement. “I was so impressed with Feenie Barton,” he said. “What a remarkable woman she was—out there away from everyone, with two little kids, enduring some pretty harsh living conditions. And she was not only caring for her family, but she was also helping Amasa run the store, taking inventory, ordering supplies, accounting for the money. She even dealt with the Navajo on a regular basis.” He frowned. “That was a couple of days before that horrible thing took place. How she conducted herself so bravely in those circumstances is astonishing to me.”
Edie was nodding. “I totally agree. She is a remarkable woman.”
Mitch took another breath. Here goes. “Well, as I was riding back down here, I started thinking about you and me. Remember, at that point, we were just getting to know each other, and we were both still a couple of kids—you sixteen, me barely eighteen. So keep that in mind as I say what I’m going to say next.”
“Okay,” she said slowly.
“Well, to be honest, I started asking myself if you would turn into that kind of a woman someday.”
Her eyebrows arched. “Someday?”
He shot her a look and she quickly apologized. “Sorry, go on.”
“I thought I sensed that same kind of strength and faith in you, though it was too early to be sure. And—well, frankly, I started thinking about marriage. Not right away,” he added hastily. “But in a few years. Like when you were at least eighteen. And that felt good. Well, two of those years have passed now. You’ll be eighteen in May. I’m getting established. I’m even hoping to start on my house that I could have ready by then.”
“Ready for what?”
“For us,” he said in exasperation. “What did you think?”
She was watching him steadily, her eyes hooded and hard to read. Somehow he sensed that what he was saying was not getting her all warm and soft. “Go on.”
How could she do that to him, even after all this time? He felt like he had on that day he’d asked to sign her dance card. So he decided to just go for it—get everything out on the table so they could talk about it.
He reached in his pocket and took out the ring but kept it cupped in his hand. Her eyes followed his movement, but he still couldn’t read her expression. So he just blurted it out. “I love you, Edna Rae Zimmer. I love you so much it hurts sometimes.”
She blinked quickly several times, and for a moment he thought she was going to cry. “You’ve never said that before.”
“I know, but I’m saying it now. You’re almost a woman now, and a beautiful one at that. And I love you. And I want to take care of you for the rest of your life.” He opened his hand and held out the ring.
To his bewilderment, she didn’t seem surprised when she saw what it was. “Will you marry me, Edie? I know we’re not ready yet, but I want us to be engaged so we can start making our plans. And I was thinking that if you like, we could get married a year from this May, on your birthday. We’d have Bishop Nielson marry us and then we could go to St. George to be sealed in the temple. Or Manti. They’re saying the Manti Temple will be open in a few months. Or, if you want, I’ll even take you
to Salt Lake so we can be married in the Endowment House and—”
She smiled and leaned forward. “It’s all right to take a breath, Mitch.”
Laughing, he sat back and drew in a deep breath. “Whew!”
She leaned even closer to him and stretched out her hand. “May I see it?”
“Of course.” He reached over and dropped it in her hand.
She examined it for a moment. Mitch expected her to slip it on her finger to see if it fit, but she did not. When she looked up, her eyes were . . . what? Mitch searched for a word and then was startled when it came. Sad. Her eyes were almost sad.
“It’s beautiful, Mitch.”
“I thought so too. There was also an engagement ring, but . . .” He flushed a little. “But together they were pretty expensive.”
“I don’t need a ring to be engaged.” She studied it for a moment longer and then handed it back to him.
Not sure what to say, he laughed awkwardly. “All right. It’s your turn. Any questions? Comments?” There was nothing on her face as she watched him continue stammering. “A joke, maybe?”
She stood up and came around to sit down beside him. She reached out and took his hand and pulled it into both of hers. “I am deeply honored, Mitch. Do you remember the song that’s in the music box you gave me?”
“Of course. ‘Beautiful Dreamer.’”
“Well, that’s me. Not the beautiful, but the dreamer.”
He squeezed her hand. “No, Edie. You are beautiful.”
She ignored that. “And I’ve dreamed about this moment since . . . since about the time you called me this skinny little freckle-faced kid. And now . . .”
He stared at her in disbelief. She was going to say no.
“Can I have twenty-four hours before I give you my answer?”
“Uh . . . Of course. Take whatever time you need.”
“Thank you. I have some things I want to say to you and some questions as well. But I need to think about them. Will you meet me here tomorrow night? Same time?”
He forced a smile, even though he knew that it would give away the pain he was feeling. “Shall I hire Johnny and Martha to guard the tree from anyone else using it?”
A soft laugh came and went quickly, Edie’s dimple showing for just a second or two. “That would be nice.”
She got to her feet, and then, totally catching him off guard, she bent down and took his face in both of her hands. Tipping it up, she kissed him. She held his face for a long time, and somehow he could feel all of the love, all of the longing, all of the . . . sorrow that she was feeling. Then, without a word, she whirled and ran off into the gathering twilight.
Notes
The five families who opened up the Blue Mountain Mission in 1887 returned to Bluff for the winter. Their accomplishments are detailed in the sources (see Saga, 95).
There was a stake conference in Bluff in March of 1888 in which twenty new families were called to join the mission. It is not clear if it was at the same time that the discussion was held regarding what to call the settlement planned for North Montezuma Creek. However, by that time, President Hammond was living at Mancos. He would have come to the stake conference, and since he was present at the time when Monticello was named, it seemed logical to have both events occur at the same time (see ibid., 96).
Chapter 20
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March 29, 1888—Bluff City, Utah Territory
Mitch came twenty minutes early. Edie was already seated on one of the logs, which were still where they had left them the night before. “Hi,” he murmured before taking a seat across from her.
“How are you?”
“Well,” he said, trying to keep things light, “I’m still working things out in my head.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s . . .” He smiled ruefully. “Somehow in my mind, when I asked you to marry me, I saw it playing out a little differently than it did.”
“So did I. Up until a few days ago.”
He leaned forward, clasping his hands together. “So, it’s your turn, Edie. Ask what you will and I shall try to answer as honestly as I can.”
“Okay. First, a simple, practical question. If I had said yes last night, would you have given me the ring to wear right then?”
“No. I . . . I wasn’t thinking of it as an engagement ring. I just wanted you to see it. But I thought we’d wait until—”
“Good. I don’t want to wear it unless we’re married.”
Unless, he thought morosely, not until. But he said nothing. She sat back, and he could see she seemed to be debating what to say next. He steeled himself.
“Another question, and I need you to be totally honest with me on this, Mitch. Okay?”
“I told you I would.”
“I know that my coming up with Emma Decker last June was a huge shock to you.”
“It was, but I was very happy to see you.”
“I know you were. And that meant a lot to me. But suppose I had asked you beforehand if you thought it was a good idea for me to come up there. What would you have said?”
“I would have counseled you against it,” he said right back.
“Why?”
“Because as tempting as it would have been for me to have you up there with me, I don’t think it was a place for a single young woman. We knew we could be facing some very dangerous situations—and we did. I was sick with worry for you during the time that Bishop Jones and I went for help. All I could think about was what I would do if something happened to you.”
She was nodding as he finished. “Thank you. I understand. I appreciate your concern. And what if I told you that Emma Decker is with child and that she has asked me to come up again this summer? What would you say?”
Totally blindsided, he stared at her, sensing how important this question was. He was sorely tempted to soften his answer, but he had promised to be honest. “I would counsel you not to go.”
“Why?”
“Because your grandmother is coming here, and—”
“No, Mitch! Tell me the truth.”
“Because it could be even worse this year. Give it one more year, Edie. By next year I’ll have my own ranch. There will be others around us, so there won’t be as much danger.”
“I understand.” She sighed, and her eyes were filled with that same sadness again. “So, with that—and thank you for being honest with me—let me make two observations, and then I’ll give you my answer.”
He nodded, feeling a terrible hollowness in the pit of his stomach.
“This will sound like I’m being picky with words, so bear with me for a moment. Last night, after you told me that you loved me, you said, ‘I want to take care of you.’”
“That’s right, I do.”
“You also have everything all planned out for us, Mitch. When to marry, where to marry, when to start our home. Except you didn’t call it our home. You called it your home.”
“But, Edie, you know it’s for us.”
“It may seem like a little thing, but if you had just worded that a little differently, I would have said yes.” She laughed somewhat bitterly. “I would have thrown myself into your arms and shouted, ‘Yes, Mitch, I will marry you. I will marry you today. I will marry you tomorrow, or a year from now, or twenty years from now.’”
Bewildered and confused, Mitch just stared at her.
“Instead of saying ‘I want to take care of you,’ I wish you had said, ‘I care for you.’ That would have made all the difference. And I would have loved it if you had said, ‘I want you to help me build our new home.’”
He threw up his hands. “But I do care for you, Edie,” he exploded. “And I want to take care of you, too.”
“Don’t say that,” she snapped. “You take care of cows and little children. It makes it sound as if you’re my father or my mother. And what it says to me is that you still see me as a child, as a girl who is growing up, not as a woman who has
grown up.”
“Ah, Edie,” he pleaded. “Don’t turn me away because of a word. I’m not good with words like you are.”
“It’s not that at all, Mitch. Let me ask you this, then. I’ll be eighteen in May. Why didn’t you suggest we get married on my birthday this year? Lots of girls marry when they’re eighteen.”
“I . . .”
“It’s because you think I’m not ready yet. And that hurts.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know you didn’t, and that’s what hurts the most. Maybe if you were angry with me and trying to hurt me it would be easier to accept, but you’re totally unaware of what you’re doing when you say these things. You’ve got it all worked out—your life and mine.”
He said nothing, just hunched down to ride it out.
“Don’t do that,” she snapped. “If you’re thinking something, then say it. We need to talk this through, Mitch, not just retreat.”
He shook his head. “Why? No matter what I say, you turn it against me. I can’t win here, Edie. I’m safer to just keep my mouth shut.”
She blinked rapidly. The anger drained from her face. “I am doing that, aren’t I? I’m sorry.” When he only stirred, she continued, “No, I really mean it. I didn’t mean to attack you like that. It was unfair.”
He watched her, encouraged by her apology, but totally lost when it came to what to say.
“It’s just that I am so frustrated right now. Sometimes I want to scream.”
“I’m here. Scream at me.”
“No. Let me see if I can help you understand. Do you want to know why I think you talked about us getting married a year from now and not this year?”
“Yes.” It felt like a lie, but saying no was hardly the right answer at this moment.
“It’s not because I’m not ready. It’s because you’re not ready. You still have things you want to do to get your life in order.” She had to look away. “And you don’t want to do them with me. You want to do them for me.”
She got to her feet and turned her back on him. He wanted to get up and go to her, to take her in his arms and beg for her forgiveness. But he knew it would not be welcomed.
Only the Brave: The Continuing Saga of the San Juan Pioneers Page 23