I should have been there with him. He’d always yelled at me for having my gun ready, but I had done it to protect him. If I had been with him when he needed me, I could have stopped whoever it was from shooting him. If I had stayed with him, he would still be alive right now.
I sucked in a breath as another thought hit me. If it happened the night before last, that meant that I’d been with Landon when it happened. Oh God. Fresh tears slipped down my cheeks as I tried to process that. I had been having sex with Landon while Joel died alone with some druggie.
My eyes drifted to the nightstand where my cell phone was sitting. Before I could think about what I was doing, I grabbed it and took off running. I stopped long enough to pull on my shoes before continuing outside. I ran to the barn and threw open the doors. The four-wheeler was sitting where Landon had parked it earlier with the key still in it. I jumped on and started it. After backing out of the barn, I tore down the driveway. My mind shut off as I drove to the gate leading to the hayfield.
I almost expected someone to follow me, but no one did. I was grateful as I unlocked the gate and then drove the four-wheeler through it. I was careful as I drove through the trees and into the field. As soon as I made it, I shut it off and pulled my phone from my pocket. Once I powered it on, it started dinging to alert me that I had new text messages. I waited until it stopped before opening my messages. The first one was from Riley. It had been sent only an hour before.
Riley: I need you to call me, Lexi. Something happened. It’s Joel. He’s gone, Lex. He’s gone. Please call me when you get this.
Tears clouded my vision as I backed out of his message and stared at the rest. My phone showed that I had over twenty texts from Joel’s number. Either he’d lied to me about losing his phone or he’d purchased a new one. I held my breath as I clicked on his name and scrolled to the oldest one.
Joel: I’m so sorry, baby.
Joel: Please call me. I was fucked-up and didn’t realize what I was doing.
Joel: Lexi, you’re my world. Please call me.
Joel: I want to make this right.
Joel: I know I hurt you. I’m so sorry. I can’t tell you that enough times.
Joel: Please, baby, I can’t take this. I can’t function, knowing how much you hate me. Call me.
Joel: Lexi, call me. I’m not giving up on us. You mean too much to me. I can’t just let you go.
Joel: I know I fucked up, but this is cruel. Call me.
Joel: I love you.
Joel: I get it. You’re not going to respond, but you will be home in a few weeks. I will make this right.
Joel: I miss you so much. You’re my everything, and I fucked it up. I’ve never loved someone the way I love you.
There were several more like those. Finally, I reached the last one. It had been sent three days ago.
Joel: Lexi, I fucked up. I know it, and you know it. I want you to know that I haven’t touched alcohol or drugs, not even weed, since that night. I’m trying to change, so I can be the man you need me to be. I’m going to stop selling as soon as I get a little more cash saved up. Then, I’ll find a real job and make you proud. I’ve never loved someone the way I love you. You’re the most precious thing in this world, and I know that if you give me another chance, I can make all of this better. You’re my everything, baby. I love you so much. I’ll see you soon.
I dropped my phone and watched as it bounced off the four-wheeler and onto the ground. He’d never given up on us while I was off having fun and falling for Landon. Joel had planned to make things right with me. He had planned to stop selling and change his ways. He’d wanted to give up a life that he excelled at just to make me happy.
Tears streamed down my face as I lay back on the four-wheeler and stared up at the sky. How can I have any tears left at this point? I couldn’t stop thinking about how I’d been with Landon while Joel was dying. What kind of person does that make me?
Landon found me after dark. The moon was exceptionally bright tonight, making it easy to see him. I didn’t pay him much attention as I was still staring up at the sky, unable to move. My mind wasn’t working anymore, and neither was my body. I watched as he grabbed my cell phone off the ground and shoved it into his pocket. He scooped me up into his arms and climbed onto the four-wheeler. He held me against his chest as he started it and drove us back to my grandparents’ house.
I never said a word as he carried me up to my room and tucked me into bed. I continued to stay silent when he climbed into bed with me and wrapped his arms around me.
“I’m so sorry, City. I’m here for you,” he whispered into my ear.
I grinned as Joel kissed my forehead.
“You’re so beautiful, Lexi.”
“I’m sure you say that to all the girls,” I said, only half-joking.
We’d been a couple for almost a month, and it still didn’t feel real. I couldn’t believe that I’d snagged Joel. Every chick in this town wanted him, but he’d picked me. That didn’t mean that I didn’t feel jealous when I watched other girls throw themselves at him. Ever since he’d told me he wanted to be with me exclusively, he’d pushed them away every time. I couldn’t help but feel smug about that.
I sighed as he leaned in and kissed me gently. His kisses felt like sunshine to me. I loved them.
“Stay with me tonight,” he whispered against my lips.
“I can’t. My mom will freak out if I don’t come home.”
She had blown a gasket when I told her that I was officially with Joel. I knew she didn’t approve, but I didn’t care. She thought I was out with a few girls from school tonight. That was a lie, of course. I’d never made plans with anyone besides Joel. If she knew I was here with him right now, she would beat the door down to get to me. She, like everyone else in this town, knew of his reputation as a badass and a drug dealer.
“Please…I can’t wait any longer, Lexi. I need you,” Joel said, his eyes pleading with me.
My stomach churned at his words. I knew what he wanted—sex. I wanted it, too, but I was scared. I’d never been with anyone like that, and I’d heard stories from other girls at school about how much it hurt.
“I…I don’t know,” I whispered.
“Do you trust me?” he asked as he cupped my face.
“Of course! I’m just afraid.”
He smiled before kissing me again. “There’s nothing to be afraid of, Lexi.”
“I’m a virgin!” I blurted out. “I’m afraid that it’s going to hurt.”
His eyes widened for a split second before he masked his surprise. “It’ll hurt, but I promise, I’ll be gentle. Trust me.”
He took my hand and led me through his house to his bedroom. I was terrified and excited at the same time. I’d wanted him like this since the first time we met, but I’d been scared that the pain would be too much.
What if I’m not good at it and he decides that he doesn’t want me?
As soon as we reached his bedroom, he grabbed me and pulled my body tight against his. His lips found mine, and then he plunged his tongue into my mouth. I moaned, loving the feel of his body against mine. I could feel just how much he wanted me as his hardness pressed against me.
I gasped as he pulled back far enough to pick me up and toss me onto his bed. He pulled his shirt off and tossed it aside before climbing on top of me and kissing me again. Fire shot through my veins as his hands started roaming underneath my shirt.
How could I have been nervous? This is heaven.
He sat up and pulled me up with him. After tugging my shirt off, he tossed it to the floor and pushed me back down onto the bed. Now that my shirt was gone, he explored more of my body. His hands roamed across my stomach before moving up. His fingers skimmed across the top of my bra, making me jump. No one had ever touched me like this.
“You’re beautiful, Lexi,” he murmured. His lips settled on where his fingers had been seconds before.
“Keep touching me,” I said as he kissed up my chest to my neck.
He chuckled softly. “I can do that.”
I froze for a second as he lifted himself up on one arm. He reached between us and unsnapped the front clasp on my bra. He pushed my bra away and ran a finger between my breasts.
“You’ve never done anything with a guy before?” he asked softly.
I shook my head. “No, you’re the only one who has ever seen me like this.”
He smiled. “I like that—a lot.”
My body jerked when he leaned down and ran his tongue across one of my nipples. “Ah!”
“You like that?” he asked.
“Yes,” I managed to gasp out as he repeated the action.
“Let’s spend tonight finding out what else you like.”
I closed my eyes as he kissed a trail from my breasts to the top of my shorts. When he reached them, I felt him unbuttoning them. I opened my eyes to watch as he slowly tugged them down my legs. Once they were gone, he grabbed my underwear and pulled them down, too. I watched him as he hungrily stared down at my body. No one had ever seen me like this. I suddenly felt self-conscious.
What if I’m not good enough?
Without even realizing what I was doing, I crossed my arms over my chest to hide my breasts.
He grinned as he tugged my arms away. “Don’t act shy now, Lexi.”
“I’m sorry. I just…this is new to me.”
“I know. Don’t worry, I’ll show you everything you need to know.”
He stood and kicked off his jeans. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him as he slid his boxers off. I felt my cheeks warm as I stared at that part of him.
He laughed as he climbed back onto the bed with me. “You’re adorable.”
I frowned. “That’s not something a girl wants to hear when she’s in a guy’s bed.”
“I meant it as a compliment. Your innocence and shyness is adorable. I love it.”
He kissed me after that, and no more words were spoken. I dropped my head back as he kissed my neck. His fingers tweaked my nipples as he nibbled his way down my body. I moaned when he kissed my hip bone. He ran his hand down my leg to my knee and then back up.
“You’re so soft,” he whispered as he kissed lower. He stopped right above where my body was throbbing with need. “You trust me, right?”
“I do.” And I did.
He smiled as he pushed my legs apart and lowered his head. I shouted as his mouth covered my clit. I’d never felt anything like this. I was sure that my body was going to explode with need as his tongue darted out and made circling motions around my clit. His fingers found my opening, and he slowly slid one inside me. His mouth never slowed as he thrust first one finger and then two, in and out. I lost control of my body as stars exploded behind my eyelids.
“Oh my God, Joel!” I shouted as my fingernails dug into his shoulders.
“Let it out, baby,” he said, his voice strained.
When I finally came back down to earth, Joel was watching me.
His eyes were almost black with lust. “That was so hot, Lexi. Jesus, I’m about to explode.”
I stayed silent as he scooted up the bed and reached over into his nightstand. He pulled a condom from the drawer and ripped it open. After putting the condom on, he turned his attention back to me. I wrapped my arms around him as he moved until he was hovering over me.
“Are you ready, baby?”
I nodded, but my body tensed.
He felt it. “Lexi, you have to relax, or this is going to hurt.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, trying to relax.
“It’s fine.” He leaned down and started kissing me passionately.
I moaned as I kissed him back. I felt him nudge my opening, but I was too busy kissing him to care.
He broke our kiss for a split second. “Here we go, baby.”
Before I could speak, his lips covered mine again. His mouth muffled my cry of pain as he slid into me. Tears leaked from my eyes.
“I’m sorry, Lexi. Are you okay?” he asked, concern filling his voice.
“I will be. Just give me a second.”
He nodded as I waited for the pain to fade.
“I think I’m okay now,” I said once the pain eased.
“If it hurts, tell me, and I’ll stop.”
I said nothing as he pulled out and thrust back into me again. My pain was replaced by pleasure as I felt him moving inside me.
“Oh!” I gasped out. “That feels good.”
“I’m just getting started,” he mumbled just before he kissed me. “Wrap your legs around me.”
I did as he’d said, allowing him to go deeper. My hips rose to meet him each time that he thrust into me. I couldn’t stop the moans escaping me as he built me up, higher and higher.
I will never forget this night for as long as I live.
“Babe, I’m about to explode. I can’t hold back,” Joel said, his voice rough.
“Then, don’t.”
He kissed me once before pulling back and slamming into me with enough force that I was pushed up the bed a few inches. He continued pounding into me roughly until I felt his body shudder with his release. I followed right behind him, clinging to him with my arms and legs.
He pulled out and dropped to the bed. I smiled as he pulled me into his arms and kissed me.
“That was incredible, babe.”
“I have no experience here, but I thought it was pretty good, too,” I joked.
He laughed. “I promise, I’ll give you tons more experience. I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”
“Glad to hear it,” I mumbled into his chest before sleep overtook me.
I woke up crying. Of course I would dream about our first time together. Even after all this time, it had been a night that I could never forget. I’d known then that I was falling for Joel. The things he’d made me feel that night were seared into my brain. I couldn’t believe that he was really gone.
This has to be just another dream…a nightmare.
But it wasn’t, and I had to deal with it.
I rolled onto my side to see that Landon had fallen asleep next to me. More guilt crippled me as I realized that I was with him again, and Joel was gone. Landon shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t find comfort in the fact that he was here. That wasn’t fair to Joel.
I slipped silently from the bed and walked downstairs to the living room. I curled up on the couch and waited for sleep to take me. I hoped that there wouldn’t be any more dreams this time.
The next few days seemed to pass in a blur.
My mom had arrived at my grandparents’ farm two days after I learned about Joel’s death. She’d tried calling numerous times, but I’d refused to talk to her. I’d refused to talk to anyone, even Landon. He’d stayed by my side constantly, trying to get me to open up, but I hadn’t wanted to. I’d wanted to hide within myself and deal with the fact that Joel was really gone. I wasn’t sure if Gram had called my mom or if she’d decided to come on her own, but it didn’t really matter.
My mom helped me pack my stuff and load it into the back of her car. Gram cried as we said our good-byes, and even my grandfather hugged me.
“Please let me come with you. I want to help you,” Landon said.
“I don’t want you to help me,” I said quietly.
“You’re hurting right now¸ City. Let me take care of you. I want to be with you.”
It almost killed me to say the next words, but I did anyway. I couldn’t be with him now. I couldn’t be with him ever. Joel was gone, and that was the only thing that I could focus on.
“I don’t want you, Landon, and I sure as hell don’t want you there when I go home. You don’t belong there. Good-bye.”
I watched as pain filled his eyes.
“City…”
I ignored him as I climbed into the car, and my mother pulled away. I looked back once to see Landon still standing in the exact same spot. I closed my eyes as I fought the tears trying to fall. It had been the right thing to do. He could move on,
and I could…I could mourn Joel.
Mom spent most of the car ride alternating between telling me what she knew and asking if I was okay. We both knew that I wasn’t, so I didn’t bother to answer her each time she asked. Over the past two days, details of Joel’s death had emerged. The most shocking was the fact that Joel had been working with the police over the last few months. That was how they’d recognized him so fast.
The police were aware of who he had gone to meet that night. He hadn’t been selling. He had been buying. He’d been wearing a wire, but something had happened, and it had malfunctioned, so the cops hadn’t known what was going on. When they had tracked down the man Joel met that night, he’d opened fire on them. He had been killed. I couldn’t bring myself to care since they were ninety-nine percent sure that he had killed Joel. I hoped the fucker was rotting in hell right now.
Joel had died from a gunshot to the chest. My mother said that he’d died instantly. She was sure of it. He hadn’t suffered. That should have brought me comfort, but it didn’t. He was gone, and that was all that mattered.
The rest of the ride home was silent. When we finally arrived, my mother helped me bring my bags upstairs. Joel’s funeral was tomorrow, so she laid out a black dress for me to wear. I appreciated it. I wasn’t sure if I was capable of doing it on my own. Getting dressed had seemed to be hard enough, and that had been when I threw on whatever my hands had landed on.
Mom tried to get me to eat, but I refused. She finally gave up and left me alone for the night.
Even though I curled up in my bed before eight o’clock, I didn’t fall asleep until well after midnight. Memories of Joel and I together kept running through my head. When I finally did pass out, I had nightmares, one right after another. I woke up drenched in sweat. I managed to drag myself from the bed to shower and get dressed. I barely remembered any of it. It was like my mind had shut down.
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